Category Archives: Food
Jew Girl Rapper Raps Hanukkah!
Yo.
So just the other day, I walked into this little shop
To buy a little trinket for a SECRET SANTA SWAP
Jingle bells be jinglin’, and the atmosphere was festive
And just like all the sneezin’s, I BE SEASONS AND CONGESTIVE
I found my little gift, and I checked out with the cashier
Who was dressed up in a costume, so I thought I’d spread some cheer
“Happy Holidays!” I said to little Krissily the Elf
“Merry Christmas, you mean?”
“Nnnno. I mean go f #$k yourself” READ MO, YO!
Yo yo yo bitch, I’m sure that you’ve heard
That for Thanksgiving this year, you better get a KOSHER bird
Everybody knows this, even Jamie Foxx and Vivica
I’m sure by now you’ve heard it’s fuckin’ mother fuck THANKSGIVUKKAH READ MO, YO!
Trust, Bitch.
Yo sometimes I leave town when I’m doin’ a show
And bitch, I miss my husband like, more than you know
Without me he’s so sad, he’s prob’ly home singin’ a ballad
And crying lonely tears into our FAVORITE TACO SALAD
And he’ll be sitting there confused and really feeling a loss
Cuz I’m the one who always orders extra SPICY YELLOW SAUCE
What if he’s so lonely he just takes up Dianetics?
I’m a worrier, bitch, THANK YOU JEWISH GENETICS
But I don’t worry ’bout him cheating, he’s too good to scratch that itch
And I hung posters ’round Manhattan warning I WILL CHOKE A BITCH
So all them ladies in New York know that they BETTA stay real far
Yeah, they know it like they know Dan Smith will TEACH THEM THE GUITAR
And though I’m doin’ MY thang, I just can’t seem to forget
All my worries that his needs aren’t bein’ mothafuckin’ MET
So the other day I’m worryin’ that he’s at home unstable
When my phone rings with an email from our friends at OPENTABLE
If you don’t use OpenTable, then yous GOTSTA be insane
Bitch, we NEED our reservations, we ain’t ANTHONY BOURDAIN
And the emails come to me, not because I am imperious
We’re just Jewish and we take our OpenTable points FOR SERIOUS
“Table for 2, Friday night,” a confirmation
With an email like that, one might resort to castration
(For me, it put an end to my past week of constipation)
And then my email rings AGAIN! Who’s it from? Bitch, are you curious?
Fandango.com! Two seats for FAST and FUCKIN’ FURIOUS
And fast and furious was I, all my trust flew out the door
My heart goes racing wildly, I’m gonna kill this whore
My hands shook as I dialed, cuz the news kinda impaled me
But it only rang through twice–OH NO HE DIN-UNT—HE VOICEMAILED ME!
So I sent that boy a text like, “MOTHERFUCKER–WHERE YOU ARE??”
Typing…Typing…he’s like, “DYLAN’S mothafuckin’ CANDY BAR!”
And my anger turned to sadness, this shit REALLY hurt my fillins
That’s our very special thing–PRE-MOVIE mothafuckin’ DYLAN’S
He knows the mix I like: gummies bottom, chocolate middle,
Topped with TONS of sour shit, and like, ONE Sour Skittle
He knows that once I dig in, I just giggle like I’m tickerish
When the perfect ‘mout of sour gets on that AUSTRALIAN LICORICE
And basically, he knows that when he makes that mix of candy
There’s 100% success rate that he’ll prolly get a handy
Just right then phone rang, it was him and I was seething
But I calmly said hello and I practiced LAMAZE BREATHING
(NO, Mom…no)
“Whatcha doin’ tonight?” He’s like, “A movie and a drinkler”
“OH YEAH??” “WITH WHOM? ” He’s says, “With FUCKIN’ Jason FUCKIN’ Finkler”*
(*not exactly a direct quote I don’t think)
(AND BITCH, you BETTA know your WHO from WHOM–sorry for the pause,
BUT YOU GOTSTA KNOW use WHOM when it’s the OBJECT OF A CLAUSE)
“JASON FINKLER??” I said, and I felt like such a sucker
“JASON FINKLER!” he says, “IT’S A MAN DATE, MOTHER FUCKER”*
(*again, not like 100% sure that was the exact quote)
“Fandango and Dylans?” I say, “Those are OUR routines!”
He’s like, “I changed the mix cuz Jason really likes his JELLY BEANS”
“Did you get two separate bags?” He’s all, “No–we’re gonna share”
“We’ll just put it on the armrest of the MOTHAFUCKIN’ chair”
“And OpenTable for a man date? Dudes just go to burger joints!”
He’s like, “Baby, I am serious ABOUT MY FUCKIN’ POINTS”*
(*actually this may have been a direct quote)
So I told him, “Go have fun with Jason Finkler on your date”
“And call me when it’s over, and Aar–don’t stay out too late”
I then put down my phone, so ashamed I freaked and fussed
When I know I married my best friend, whoM I can always trust
And really, was I worried that someone would date and kiss him?
Nah–truth is when I’m gone, I simply really fuckin’ miss him
And while I’m here it’s nice to know he’s taken care of by good friends
And Finkler, if you cared, perhaps some nookie when it ends
Jason, I’m just kidding you, you know I like to joke ya
(Cuz Finkler if you did, you saw the signs, I’D FUCKIN’ CHOKE YA)
And Fast and Furious? I’d NEVER, even if you paid me MILLINS
(Or I’d see it for a handy and two pounds from fuckin’ Dylan’s)
word.
(Names have been changed to protect the totally innocent Jordan fuckin’ Finkler)Marriage, Bitch.
With Delaware there’s now eleven states in our great nation
To have legalized gay marriage, bitch, that’s cause for celeBRATION
And when it comes to marriage, I am TOTES the expert source
I’ve been married five whole years, so like, DUH OF COURSE
Now that so many more of us can enter wedded bliss
I’m ’bout to give y’all some insight BETTA LISTEN UP TO THIS
Now, I really love my husband, bitch, I’ve said it many times
We’re committed to each other (COUGH COUGH LeAnn COUGH COUGH Rimes)
But marriage is complex and really nobody explores
All the things be happenin’ behind closed married doors
So before y’all get hitched and go become co-haBITable
There are many things ’bout which you should make sure you’re compatTITible
Today I’m here to tell you ’bout just one point of contention
That has lately caused some stress on our here marital convention
See there’s one thing that my husband likes a VERY certain way
Whereas I prefer it sloppily and sometimes twice a day
I initiate and get it done most of the time, however,
He would rather do it rigidly and frankly, HARDLY EVER
Now, Im not intent to scare you or cause feelings of foreboding
But before you wed, you GOTSTA talk about DISHWASHER LOADING
This is a sad sad problem, kids, so go and grab your tissues
And thank y’all for listenin’ to my WHITE GIRL JEWISH ISSUES
This has long been a problem in our real humble abode
Though I get away with my way, almost every fuckin’ load
The only time is sucks is when my guy catches a glimpse
He thinks he’s the big daddy of DISHWASHER LOADING PIMPS
And he kinda is an expert on the loading of it since
He’s never EVER lived without one (he’s a pretty pretty prince)
We’re equals in our marriage, so bitch, I don’t let him rule me
But when he sees my sloppy loading he can’t help but try to school me
His arrangement of the forks is always much better than mine
“You have to separate them so they’re CLEAN BETWEEN EACH TINE”
(That’s what the spikes on a fork are called. BITCH)
I put the glasses on the prongs and he’s all, “NO! They’re there to NESTLE”
“And tupperware goes on the top OR ELSE YOU’LL WARP THE VESSEL”
He tries to be real tender as he flips over the knives
“Honey, you don’t realize this is endangering our lives” (they’re butter knives)
“And only put as many glasses in as the tray can take,
Overcrowding and vibrations gonna cause that shit to BREAK”
“AND separate the plates, it’s REALLY BAD when they are stacking”
BITCH, you know what’s REALLY BAD? FUCKIN’hydroFRICKINGfracking
But I always get the job done when I do it my own way
He’s like the mean coach from The Mighty Ducks and BITCH, I’M COACH BOMBAY
And truth be told, the tips he has are really kinda great
But he hasn’t loaded up that shit since TWO THOUSAND AND EIGHT
And he’s so smart it blows my mind, he never stops to think
How those dishes all get clean when he just leaves them in the SINK
There are famous sloppy loaders, take Korean rapper Psy or
Perhaps Elena Kagan or SONIA SOTOMAYOR
Ok, I made that up, but you get what I mean
If a tree falls in a forest, THEN THAT SHIT’S STILL FUCKIN’ CLEAN
But when he redoes all my loading and tells me that’s horrible
I can’t help but to smile cuz his OCD’s adorable
And each time we end up laughing, every time a little louder
As he tells me why the tablets are much better than the powder
So even with this issue, this problem SO domestic
Being married to your best friend bitch, really is majestic
I’ll go put away the dishes now, no reason to protest
There’s only two glasses to put away (cuz bitch, I broke the rest)
word.
Purim, Bitch.
If you see some Jews in costumes don’t scream, “Dear, they’re gonna rob us!”
It’s a Jewish holiday, and bitch, I don’t mean that it’s Shabbos
You may not know don’t know the story, ‘specially if you vote Santorum
So that’s why I am here today to tell y’all ’bout PURIM
The story all began with the ancient Persian King
Celebrating with his bros and simply doin’ his king thing
When he called upon his wife, the hottie Queen named Vashti
To parade around in front of them–ABSOLUTELY NASHTY
Ladies, am I right? She’s a queen and not a hoe
But shit got crazy awkward after my girl Vash said NO
So the king asked his advisors what they thought that he should do
(Achashverosh needs some help with a decision or two)
If they were Jew advisors then they would have fined and billed her
But Jewish guys they weren’t, and bitch, they MOTHA FUCKIN’ KILLED HER
So they’re all, “So that happened…moving on…end scene”
But Achashverosh be like, “Dudes, I GOTSTA FIND ANOTHER QUEEN”
There were just so many ladies, so like how they gonna pluck her?
So they did it in a contest, LIKE THE BACHELOR MOTHA FUCKER
So now lil’ Jewish Esther’s out there with her uncle Mo
Who thinks she could be Queen and he encouraged her to go
He told her not to say she’s Jewish, and the secret never leaked
(Thank G-d she was an orphan CUZ HER MOTHER WOULDA FREAKED)
And of all the many ladies from which Achashverosh chose
Little Jewish Esther got the FUCKING FINAL ROSE
Now he doesn’t know she’s Jewish here at this point now, however
This rose ceremony was the MOST DRAMATIC EVER
Mordechai, meanwhile, stayed real close nearby the palace
And warned Esther of an evil plot and saved the king from malice
His helpful advice really saved that king’s life
And the king is like, “Remind me to say thank you to him, WIFE”
Then the king made a bad move when he decided he’d be namin’
To the job of chief advisor this motherfucker HAMAN
This dude despised the Jews, he’d kill you if you had a bagel
(And gets approved more easily than former SENATOR CHUCK HAGEL)
Haman comes across our friend, or dear little Mordechai
And demanded he bow down, like he was pledging Sigma Chi
Mordechai’s like, “…no” and when Haman heard this news
He’s all, “Bitch I’m gonna kill you and kill ALL Y’ALL JEWS”
Haman told the king his plan and all his nasty visions
And the king is like, “Sounds good! Because I cannot make decisions!”
Haman builds Mo’s gallows where he plans to hang and yank him
King’s like, “That dude who saved me! I totes forgot to thank him!”
So the king asks his dude Haman, “Tell me, what’s a good reward?”
Haman’s like, “The nicest horse and robe that your ass can afford”
Haman thought it’d be for him, thinking he would do the riding
But as I said before, the king just NEEDED HELP DECIDING
At the banquet that night, Esther gave her big reveal
She told the king she was a Jew, sensibly, over a meal
He heard of Haman’s plan and so he sent him to be hanged
He gave Mordechai his prize, and he and Esther prolly banged
And now we read their story in our dear old Megillah
And we scream at Haman’s (AHHHHHHHH) name cuz he a CRAZY EYE KILLA
And we all dress up in costumes and sing some Purim tunes
And we Jews turned Haman’s (AHHHHHHHHH) hat into a COOKIE FILLED WITH PRUNES
And then you’re supposed to drink until you lose all of your clarity
And nosh that fuckin’ ‘taschen (prune ones help irregularity)
So put down that Sunday Times, you’ve had enough of the sequester
And molesters, and investors, and go hang out with Queen Esther
Y’all can dress as a queen–no matter if you’re straight or gay men
I go to my own drum and dress as Vashti or as Ham-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
And there you have it, PURIM! From your favorite rappin’ blogger
So now go and shake that thang (AND BY “THAT THANG” I MEAN YOUR GROGGER)
word.
Holiday Recap, Bitch.
‘Twas the holiday season, so I took a little breather
For New Years and for Christmas, (even though I’m no believer)
So everybody clap your hands and maybe shake a titty
And I’ll tell you ’bout my holidays RIGHT HERE IN NEW YORK CITY
The greatest city in the world, at the best of the year
Christmas day’s my favorite when I spend it UP IN HERE
I made some coffee in my Chemex which I bought at Sur La Table
And hopped aboard the train to see LES FUCKIN’ MISERABLES
The only tickets I could get required us to travel down
DON’T UNDERESTIMATE HOW MANY JEWS LIVE HERE UPTOWN
Now, this is real embarrassing, I am quite ashamed to tout
I had never seen the show, I never knew what it’s about
I know, I know, I’m sorry, on Yom Kippur I’ll repent
But for now, I saw the movie, SO I’LL TELL YOU HOW IT WENT
Jean Valjean stole what must’ve been some really damn good bread
Fantine becomes a whore because of her enormous head
She sings and cries real hard and it’s emotionally draining
And she let the cameraman fulfill his endoscopic training
I thought I heard a sheep with Parkinson’s, but that was just Cosette
And I felt bad for Eponine, so single, and so wet
The rebels fought on mounds of furniture, just asking for an injury
While Marius was hiding that he’s really rich and gingery
Javert falls real far to the water down below
And I kinda didn’t mind, I couldn’t listen to him CROWe
They all die and wave a flag and sing a big ol’ song
You should go, but bring a catheter, it’s eighteen hours long
And so we left the movie and the streets were calm and placid
And we made our way to Chinatown and each popped an antacid
As Jewish folk, we’re prone to acid reflux damn disease
And we’re also prone on Christmas day to eat some DAMN CHINESE
I thought we’d go downtown and celebrate Chinese ethnicity
So we went to Spicy Village, bitch, I’m all ’bout authenticity
We got the big hot pot of chicken from a waitress who was toneless
But it freaked my Jew boy out cuz HE PREFERS HIS CHICKEN BONELESS
Which brings me to the new year, bitch, you just would not believe
What it’s like to be in NYC on NEW YEARS FUCKIN’ EVE
You’ll pay a ton at shitty restaurants, fixed menus and bad food
Bitch, I wouldn’t pay that much for Daniel fuckin’ BOULUD
You could pay a ton for parties and before the bubbly’s popped
You’re surrounded by obnoxious kids whose own balls haven’t dropped
And you kiss someone at midnight cuz you think that sounds like fun
And you start the new year off with herpes simplex TYPE ONE
We totally were gonna go to a crazy rager
But my husband is a doctor, it’d be hard to hear his pager
So we stayed in our apartment, locked the deadbolt on the door
And we had our favorite new years, which I really do adore
We order tons of shitty tacos, the worst we can obtain
And pair them with a bottle of fantastic-ass champagne
And we eat and drink and get into a gassy drunken stupor
And watch some Kathy Griffin and a giggly Andy Cooper
I find the best of holidays are drama-free and braless
And spent with the one I the love most–these holidays were flawless
So there you have my full recap, from Christmas to the ball
And a very happy new year from Jap Rapper to y’all.
word.
Jap Rap 