Yo sometimes I leave town when I’m doin’ a show
And bitch, I miss my husband like, more than you know
Without me he’s so sad, he’s prob’ly home singin’ a ballad
And crying lonely tears into our FAVORITE TACO SALAD
And he’ll be sitting there confused and really feeling a loss
Cuz I’m the one who always orders extra SPICY YELLOW SAUCE
What if he’s so lonely he just takes up Dianetics?
I’m a worrier, bitch, THANK YOU JEWISH GENETICS
But I don’t worry ’bout him cheating, he’s too good to scratch that itch
And I hung posters ’round Manhattan warning I WILL CHOKE A BITCH
So all them ladies in New York know that they BETTA stay real far
Yeah, they know it like they know Dan Smith will TEACH THEM THE GUITAR
And though I’m doin’ MY thang, I just can’t seem to forget
All my worries that his needs aren’t bein’ mothafuckin’ MET
So the other day I’m worryin’ that he’s at home unstable
When my phone rings with an email from our friends at OPENTABLE
If you don’t use OpenTable, then yous GOTSTA be insane
Bitch, we NEED our reservations, we ain’t ANTHONY BOURDAIN
And the emails come to me, not because I am imperious
We’re just Jewish and we take our OpenTable points FOR SERIOUS
“Table for 2, Friday night,” a confirmation
With an email like that, one might resort to castration
(For me, it put an end to my past week of constipation)
And then my email rings AGAIN! Who’s it from? Bitch, are you curious?
Fandango.com! Two seats for FAST and FUCKIN’ FURIOUS
And fast and furious was I, all my trust flew out the door
My heart goes racing wildly, I’m gonna kill this whore
My hands shook as I dialed, cuz the news kinda impaled me
But it only rang through twice–OH NO HE DIN-UNT—HE VOICEMAILED ME!
So I sent that boy a text like, “MOTHERFUCKER–WHERE YOU ARE??”
Typing…Typing…he’s like, “DYLAN’S mothafuckin’ CANDY BAR!”
And my anger turned to sadness, this shit REALLY hurt my fillins
That’s our very special thing–PRE-MOVIE mothafuckin’ DYLAN’S
He knows the mix I like: gummies bottom, chocolate middle,
Topped with TONS of sour shit, and like, ONE Sour Skittle
He knows that once I dig in, I just giggle like I’m tickerish
When the perfect ‘mout of sour gets on that AUSTRALIAN LICORICE
And basically, he knows that when he makes that mix of candy
There’s 100% success rate that he’ll prolly get a handy
Just right then phone rang, it was him and I was seething
But I calmly said hello and I practiced LAMAZE BREATHING
(NO, Mom…no)
“Whatcha doin’ tonight?” He’s like, “A movie and a drinkler”
“OH YEAH??” “WITH WHOM? ” He’s says, “With FUCKIN’ Jason FUCKIN’ Finkler”*
(*not exactly a direct quote I don’t think)
(AND BITCH, you BETTA know your WHO from WHOM–sorry for the pause,
BUT YOU GOTSTA KNOW use WHOM when it’s the OBJECT OF A CLAUSE)
“JASON FINKLER??” I said, and I felt like such a sucker
“JASON FINKLER!” he says, “IT’S A MAN DATE, MOTHER FUCKER”*
(*again, not like 100% sure that was the exact quote)
“Fandango and Dylans?” I say, “Those are OUR routines!”
He’s like, “I changed the mix cuz Jason really likes his JELLY BEANS”
“Did you get two separate bags?” He’s all, “No–we’re gonna share”
“We’ll just put it on the armrest of the MOTHAFUCKIN’ chair”
“And OpenTable for a man date? Dudes just go to burger joints!”
He’s like, “Baby, I am serious ABOUT MY FUCKIN’ POINTS”*
(*actually this may have been a direct quote)
So I told him, “Go have fun with Jason Finkler on your date”
“And call me when it’s over, and Aar–don’t stay out too late”
I then put down my phone, so ashamed I freaked and fussed
When I know I married my best friend, whoM I can always trust
And really, was I worried that someone would date and kiss him?
Nah–truth is when I’m gone, I simply really fuckin’ miss him
And while I’m here it’s nice to know he’s taken care of by good friends
And Finkler, if you cared, perhaps some nookie when it ends
Jason, I’m just kidding you, you know I like to joke ya
(Cuz Finkler if you did, you saw the signs, I’D FUCKIN’ CHOKE YA)
And Fast and Furious? I’d NEVER, even if you paid me MILLINS
(Or I’d see it for a handy and two pounds from fuckin’ Dylan’s)
word.