Yo.

So just the other day, I walked into this little shop

To buy a little trinket for a SECRET SANTA SWAP

Jingle bells be jinglin’, and the atmosphere was festive

And just like all the sneezin’s, I BE SEASONS AND CONGESTIVE

I found my little gift, and I checked out with the cashier

Who was dressed up in a costume, so I thought I’d spread some cheer

“Happy Holidays!” I said to little Krissily the Elf

“Merry Christmas, you mean?”

“Nnnno. I mean go f #$k yourself”

If you could not tell from my sneezing and my overall appearance

Lululemon, wonky nose, and how I veer toward things on clearance

Or prescriptions for my eczema, my star of david sucker

I’M CELEBRATING HANUKKAH

I’M JEWISH MOTHER FUCKER

“It’s secular,” said Krisily

But see, it really ain’t

Every time a child says that, I get warts upon the taint

“But you’ve gotta have a tree!”

Did I stutter? Are you crazy?

I don’t even have a bush!

(‘Cept in the winter when I’m lazy)

“Krissily,” I said, “Child take a walk with me”

Let’s go back in time to ‘rond 200 B.C.E.”

“B.C.”

In Judea, Jews were cool ‘neath Antiochus the Third

But then his son took over who was just a total turd

He took away the freedoms that his own damn father gave us

A crazy son like Kim Jong-Un—

“No Dennis Rodman, though, to save us”

He’d get rid of Judaism—was determined ‘gainst all odds

He made Jewish shit illegal

Made Jews worship Greeker gods

His peeps were massacring Jews which, really, totally is gauche

Slaughtered pigs inside the temple which, like, totally ain’t kosh

And messing with the temple, well that shit ain’t gonna go

Judah’s dad was like, “Wait stop!”

Then Judah be all like, “HEEAAALLL NOO”

So Judah and the Maccabees revolted in a clamor

And they motherfuckin’ won

THAT WHY HE THE HEBREW HAMMER

So they stayed to clean the temple, which was in like, such distress

Plus they all had Jewish mothers who taught, “Never leave a mess!”

For a temple to be holy, bitch, a light must always burn

Judah had one day of oil

“JUDAH! WHEN YOU GONNA LEARN??”

But still he thought he’d burn it

“Hey, at least we better try”

It’d take about eight days for them to make a fresh supply

And by G-d, perhaps a miracle, a huge amount of luck

It lasted all eight days

Judah be like, “HOLY FUCK”

So the Jews could then be Jews, they didn’t have to be like, pagan

And Jews celebrate today—like me and Judge Elena Kagan

We light candles, spin the dradel, win some gelt, it’s pretty funny

Leave it to us Jews to make our chocolate look like money

But it’s all because that Judah could defeat the Greeks and Syrians

Cuz if not there’d be no doctors up at New York Presbyterian

And how would Judah feel to see our thriving Jewish nation

Celebrating Christmas…cuz ya know, assimilation…??

I didn’t say this all to Krissily, but bitch I gave a look

I’m not good with confrontation, but I’m SURE THAT’S WHAT SHE TOOK

We are in America—not living on some isthmus

We’re free to be ourselves and bitch, that ain’t no war on Christmas

If you’re celebrating Christmas, then I hope that shit’s insane

I’ll be at the movies and be mackin’ on lo mein

And especially in the world today, my sisters and my brothers

Let’s celebrate our differences and learn from one another’s

We could use more tolerance, try not to be so vicious

Go make like a latke and

BE FUCKING DAMN DELICIOUS

Here’s to a happy season, full of health, and love, and learning

And to my Hanukkah bush

Which is new for me

And burning

Word.