I know you’ll be real shocked, based on just how cool I am

That in high school being popular, wasn’t quite my jam

I never smoked cigarettes, I was scared of emphysema

I didn’t drink till college when I passed out from one ZIMA

I wore Doc Martens and huge glasses cuz I couldn’t see real far

The Stephen Schwartz pic in my locker didn’t make me populer–lar

If two popular kids were talkin’ bout a wild party

I’d ask, “Lippa or LaChiusa?” and they’d think I was retardy

I didn’t re’lize to be cool it would really help to flaunt your

Assets other than your Jewish hair and your orthodonture

So I knew my only chance to be even slightly cool

Would come my sophomore of high school on our CHOIR TRIP FOOL

The only glimmer of hope throughout my dark awkward phase

Was in our choir trip to Disney WHAT UP MAGIC MUSIC DAYS

I wasn’t good at being slutty, I could never go commando

But I knew that I could make some friends when we were in Orlando

There I’d finally be free from the cruel high school brutality

And score some friends at Disney with my WINNING PERSONALITY

We’d be free to be ourselves, I thought, without drugs or booze

And I’d make friends in choir with my fellow ALTO TWOS

On our first day in Orlando, we thought we would embark

On a choir, band, and orchestra trip to a water park

A water park in Disney? My public school just wouldn’t hear it

So our rickety old bus drove to a water park NEAR IT

There were only two slides, because this place was fuckin’ janky

The water was cold and a LITTLE BIT STANKY

I thought this could be my chance to show them I was fun and clever

And we’d be BFFFFs (BEST FUCKIN’ FRIENDS FOR FUCKIN’ EVER)

So all the other kids rushed to the family raft ride

No one dared go near The Bomb, a frightening vertical slide

Then I thought to myself, I was done with high school slavery

Maybe I could win some friends with some chutzpah (Jewish bravery)

This was so outside my comfort zone, that water was contagious

But I decided it was time for me to do something courageous

So I boldly broke away and walked straight toward The Bomb

They all saw me and saluted like I was on my way to Nam

The entire group was watching me, standing at attention

As I grasped the rusty railing and I started my ascension

My heart was pounding quickly at the top of the ladder

I could feel it in my chest, and a little in my bladder

Every eye was on me, just to see me do my duty

They started chanting my name! Like I was mother fuckin’ RUDY

I lay down and crossed my arms and I laid back my head

And I said the HaMotzi, BITCH, THE JEWISH PRAYER FOR BREAD

And then I was on my way, it was rather histrionic

My life flashed before my eyes and I received my first colonic

And I finally got down to the pool at the bottom

I envisioned my new friends and the crazy way I got ’em

I proudly stood up, overcome with such emotion

And the rest of the world started moving in slow motion

It was like a lucid dream, or whatever that thing’s called

Where there’s 80’s music and I’m  MOLLY FUCKIN’ RINGWALD

I threw my arms up in the air, I was filled with such elation

I turned to the crowd to receive my celebration

High school would be better now, with friends, and boys and kissing

But I stood there in the water and knew there was something missing

A heavy silence filled the air, you could have heard a pin drop

Soon I realized what was missing, bitch, MY MOTHAFUCKIN TOP

It was floating in the wading pool, right there in the middle

I sank down under water and I maybe peed a little

No thread of popularity ever did transpire

And now all of my bikinis, I make sure, have underwire

They missed out on a great kid, so they’re all a buncha suckers

And they sure missed out cuz now my tits are huge, mothafuckas

word.