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Harvest, Bitch.

There’s a chill in the air and it’s feelin’ pretty nice

And when you go into a Starbucks yous be gettin’ pumpkin spice

So break out that padded vest, put away them seersuckers

It’s my favorite time of year, IT’S THE HARVEST MOTHAFUCKAS

Time to go jump in the leaves and time to follow me on twitter

Time to pick some apples and then eat a frickin’ fritter

And boys, it’s time you find a bitch to take under your covers

Cuz I’m telling you, you heard it here, THE HARVEST IS FOR LOVERS

And to get yourself a lady you need tips, well boys, I got ’em

If you follow my instructions you will get some tail this autumn

The secret to make sure that you will get some harvest lovin’

It be right under your nose, right in your MOTHAFUCKIN’ OVEN

You don’t need no sexy music, you don’t need no water bed

All you need to know is how to make a PUMPKIN BREAD

Now if baking freaks you out and you normally eschew it

Don’t worry, mothafucka, I’MMA TEACH YOU HOW TO DO IT

First you take a cup a sugar, cream it with a stick of butter

Give your bitch a little wink and then her heart will go aflutter

Add a teaspoon of vanilla and two eggs and stir it well

(Maybe crack the eggs beforehand YOU DON’T WANT NO BITS OF SHELL)

In a different bowl add flour, like a whole cup and a half

(And verify your bitch is clean of STDs or STAPH)

Add a half teaspoon of salt and one teaspoon baking soda

And to get her in the mood just turn on Kathy Lee and Hoda

Mix all that shit together and then soon she’ll know what’s up

When to that you add some pumpkin ONE ENTIRE FUCKIN’ CUP

Now for my big secret that’ll really make her scream

To that you add a half a cup of fuckin’ SOUR CREAM

SOUR CREAM? You may ask? BITCH YOU CRAZY, MAKE NO SENSE!

But you betta believe–it makes that loaf so MOIST AND DENSE

Sour cream and pumpkin is a combo that’s climactic

It’s creamy and it’s tangy from the acid that’s all LACTIC

Now she’ll really want you but you gots to tell her “IN A MIN”

Cuz you gots to add a teaspoon of some fuckin’ cinnamon

And you make you lady wait, even though by now she’s beggin’

You need a half a teaspoon–you be gettin NUTEGGIN

And one last thing to make sure you be gettin in her hips

Stir in some fuckin’ semi-sweet CHOCOLATE FUCKIN CHIPS

Pour it in a loaf pan that you’ve parchmented or greased

Bake at 350 for an hour, brotha, YOURE A FUCKIN’ BEAST

Then go and get your freak on and a pumpkiny aroma

Will wake you up like Folgers from your fall post-coital coma

And I promise you there’s no way that that chick was even faking

Though I cannot guarantee she didn’t use you for your your baking

And if you think baking’s girly work, best for a maid or elf

I’ve got a BINDER FULL OF WOMEN telling you to fuck yourself

So go and get your bake on, don’t you think of hesitating

(This works especially well if she is fat or menstruating)

And when all is said and done you can go cuddle up beside her

And instead of cigarettes cool off with pumpkin bread and cider

word.

(recipe adapted from http://www.food.com/recipe/sour-cream-pumpkin-bread-157475)

Bingo, Bitch.

Yo my father always thought it was kinda pathetic

That he raised two healthy kids and neither one was real althetic

My dad played soccer and baseball and he really kicked some ass

But my allergies act up when I get close to FRESH CUT GRASS

I thought the basketball team in junior high would be my mission

But I was only 4 feet tall and called the tryout my AUDITION

I was bound and determined, even if it took forever

To make my daddy proud and find a sporting endeavor

And in college I had finally found the end to my search

Yes, I found all of the answers down at the LOCAL CHURCH

You’re like, “A church? But you are Jewish! Bitch, this must be some mistake”

See, my friend’s boyfriend volunteered there, so they gave us all free cake

Then they rolled out all these tables and the gaming had begun

I had finally found my sport IT WAS BINGO TIME, SON

Before I knew what hit me, I was well into the game

Everyone was 90 but this shiznit was INSANE

It all happened very quickly, when they called 065

“HOLY FUCK BINGOOO” I’d never felt so damn ALIVE

They came and verified my card and I was feelin’ fuckin’ baller

I won the bingo game–what what–THIRTY DOLLAR

I took my money and I left and I shouted, “GEE THANKS!”

To bad-ass ladies outside smoking with their OXYGEN TANKS

So while other kids did keg stands and some J├Ągerbombs and shot-skis

I spent my college Fridays with my bingo cards and tschotskes

See the old pros all brought rabbit feet and crosses for good luck

I brought a pic of Steven Sondheim and some SKITTLES, MOTHA FUCK

I went to church every Friday like a good Jew girl on Shabbos

Otherwise I’d sit at home and listen to LES MISERABLES

So I’d gamble and eat cake that was free for my consumption

And I’d make my daddy proud, THANK YOU CHURCH OF THE ASSUMPTION

When I moved into the city, though, things weren’t quite the same

Where could a little Jew girl find a friendly Christian game?

So I gave up on my quest and I finally said shalom

And volunteered to call some games down at the Jewish nursing home

They couldn’t hear a thing, but they were really so enthralled

Everybody shouting BINGO at each number that I called

I was charming and so funny and they pooped their pants with laughter

When I would call B4 everyone would yell, “AND AFTER!”

So of course for every ball, I’d come up with some witty line

“The doctor has good news if your tumor is…” (everybody) “B9!”

Sometimes it was too much, and they got a little hyper

Each time that someone won, they would need a brand new diaper

So the other night I tried my luck with some younger cats

When I went to bingo night downtown at Tortilla Flats

I was back in the game! Instead of cake, we had fajitas

And instead of pics of Sondheim I had TONS OF MARGARITAS

I had a lot of fun, but things still were not the same

Cuz all of these young bitches don’t know how to PLAY THE GAME

This girl thought she had bingo so she called it loudly BUT

It was a false alarm, CUZ THAT GIRL’S A STUPID SLUT

This other girl called bingo WHEN SHE STILL NEEDED TWO MORE!

NO YOU DON’T HAVE BINGO, BITCH, YOU STUPID STUPID WHORE

The people I was with were great, but still none of us won

But I have to tell ya, bitch, it was a lot of fuckin’ fun

So although it ain’t the sport my dad had hoped upon his kin

Margaritas with old friends, in my book, always is a win

So go and play some bingo kids, I hope you fill a line

And be sure to think of me next time you get O69

word.

Halloween, Bitch.

Yo yo yo it’s that time of year

When a little eight-year-old dressed as Golda Meir

Comes and knocks on my door and I fill her sack with suckers

Yo trick-or-treat, Bitch, it’s HALLOWEEN MOTHAFUCKAS

Halloween’s fun for the young and old

But as a kid in Ohio, it was mothafuckin’ cold

And as a damper on things for me and my brother

We had to wear our jackets, THANKS A LOT JEWISH MOTHER

This shit pissed me off cuz I couldn’t even gloat

‘Bout the kick-ass costume that was covered by my coat

And I’d look at my mom in pure disbelief

And I’d say “Fine bitch, I’ll wear that jacket UNDERNEAF”

While other girls dressed as sluts, and the boys as the deceased

I was happy to be warm and dressed UP AS THE OBESED

And at least all my neighbors were able to tell

I was the best fat Sally fuckin’ JESSE RAPHAEL

Now for the kids in NYC, these problems simply don’t exist

They just go through their halls to the apartments on their list

And they don’t need their coats and they look so much leaner

I give them candy and smile.

They can suck my Halloweener.

word.