Tag Archives: Food
Party Foul, Bitch.
Ho Ho Ho, bitch! ‘Tis the fuckin’ season
To throw a fuckin’ party for just any rhyme or reason
Time to take a vacay (or pretend and wear some bronzer)
And light all of the lights for Jesus, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaar
But before you head out and party with your friends or firms
I feel I need to teach you to spread CHEER and not your GERMS
I’ve rapped to you before ’bout how to keep from getting sick
But there’s one germy threat happ’nin’ at parties IN PARTIC
Now I’m not a fan of parties, though I know most of you are
I’d rather eat Chinese and watch The View on DVR
But I always end up going cuz I’m not a fuckin’ flake
I go to spread the joy, but bitch, I mostly go for CAKE
Actually I prob’ly should be slightly more specific
I could do without the cake itself, but FROSTING IS TERRIFIC
Open bars are nice, but bitch, ain’t nothing more enticing
Than a fuckin’ slice of cake with a WHOLE SHIT-TON OF ICING
And my husband won’t eat frosting! NOPE! The cake part’s all he eats
That’s why we got married, bitch, ECONOMY OF TREATS
He know’s all he’s got do if he wants to get some nookie
Is to let me make a bitch out of a BLACK & WHITE COOKIE (only the white side, duh)
And so I’m here to tell you all something that really makes me scowl
My number one all time biggest fuckin’ party foul
It’s an issue that dates back to when I was a lil’ child
When the coolest girl in school had this birthday that was wild
At that roller skating rink with the disco lights for Thriller
The coolest kids in school were there, the GOODIE BAGS WERE KILLER
And then her mom brought out the cake–it was white with chocolate drizzle
There was tons of fuckin’ frosting, bitch, this cake was off the HIZZLE
And her mom cut her the first piece, which of course I thought was fine
Do I really need to tell you who was fucking next in line?
And then the most horrific thing I had seen in my young life
Her mothafuckin’ mom LICKED the MOTHAFUCKIN’ KNIFE!
She put the knife back in the cake and my eyes were wide with horror
She cut me off a piece and my jaw dropped on the FLOORER
I watched her do it ever time, licking all that fucking frosting
And I simply couldn’t eat the cake, THAT SHIT WAS DISGOSTING
Which brings us to last week when I was faced with this aGAIN
Now I’m all adult and shit, toasting my champagne
When all of the sudden I got real enthusiastic
When they brought out a cake that looked FUCKING FANTASTIC
This cake looked so amazing, it looked like an utter dream
With tons of salted caramel fuckin’ buttercream
The bartender began to cut amidst my great emotion
And all of the sudden things just went into slow motion
He wiped the knife off on his hand and of course my gaze did linger
As he slowly sucked the frosting off of EVERY FUCKING FINGER
It was like a fucking crime, I shoulda called the dang police
As he went and stuck those hands in every motherfuckin’ piece
Pensively I took my slice, and perhaps it was the booze
But I knew cake was something that was just too good to lose
And that shit was so damn good, you guys, I swear I’d give fellatio
To the baker who decided on that frosting to cake ratio
And I’m glad I stretched my bounds a bit, this Hanukkah I grew
But this entire fuckin’ week I’ve had the mothafuckin’ flu
So simply to avoid this very tragic party foul
I urge you to use protection, wipe your knife off on a towel
And that girl whose mom was gross, well, she turned out kinda groovy
You can all see her this Christmas starring in that Les Miz movie
(Totally kidding, it wasn’t Anne Hathaway. But it would be crazy if it was, right?)
word.
Thanksgiving, Bitch.
Yo I gots a secret I gotta reveal
I never told nobody this, I don’t know how they gonna feel
Let me first make clear, I don’t want any misgivings
I MOTHAFUCKIN’ LOVE ME MOTHAFUCKIN’ THANKSGIVINGS (yeah, ALL of them)
I love that dang parade with that monkey made of sock
And I’ve got a thing for pilgrims, bitch, they MAKE MY PLYMOUTH ROCK
But the one thing that might leave you just LITTLE BIT murky
BITCH I fuckin’ HATE fuckinmothafuckin’ TURKEY
Not not to get all Freudian, a rapper never should
But I think my turkey loathing dates back to my childhood
See my Jewish mother loved me quite a mothafuckin’ bunch
And to ensure I got my protein packed me turkey for lunch
At first I didn’t mind, I’d just unpack my lunch and chew it
But as Jewish mothers often do, mine tends to overdo it
The turkey grew and grew to make sure that I was fed
All the sudden that dang sandwich was as big as my damn head
I was just a little girl, did she really think I’d eat a
Fuckin’ half a pound of turkey stuffed into a MINI PITA?
Kids would watch me eat it every day for years and years
And I’d be all covered in turkey smell and mustard (and some tears)
I tried to tell my mother that the turkey was for rookies
Why couldn’t she be cool and pack me SNACKWELL FUCKIN’ COOKIES?
But I’d lug around that turkey really looking like a fool
And that’s the reason why I wasn’t popular in school (and this, and maybe this)
So when I sit down at Thanksgiving I say, “Mmmm this turkey’s GREAT!”
But little do they know I ain’t got NONE upon my plate
All throughout the years I’ve gotten really good at bluffing
So that nobody would know I eat ENTIRE PLATES OF STUFFING
I see that bowl of stuffing and my lil eyeball twinkles
It’s my second favorite food group, next, of course, to RAINBOW SPRINKLES
My favorite kind of stuffing? Now, that’s up to some debate
But I love so many kinds, so bitch, I DON’T DISCRIMINATE
I once had a cornbread kind thanks to that Al Roker fella
And I tasted chestnut stuffing, LOVE FREE SAMPLES, CITARELLA
But my favorite’s challah stuffing, bitch, that always is a hit
I’m telling you I’d take a bath ALL UP IN THAT SHIT
My mom-in-law’s is so good, may require 5-star Yelping
NO I DO NOT MIND IF I TAKE A SEVENTH ANOTHER HELPING
My guy and I, we love to eat, but today our tastes get clashy
He loves his Thanksgiving food real mothafuckin’ trashy
The whole rest of the year he loves the Michelin man
But he won’t eat cranberries that aren’t shaped just like the can
And he loves to fill his plate with that nasty greenish slop
He loves that green bean casserole FRENCH’S ONIONS ON THE TOP
But man, I’m thankful for him, and for my dad and brother
And I’m really fuckin’ thankful for my turkey lovin’ mother
Who always really cared ’bout the nutrition that I got
If you measured love in turkey, then she sure loves me a lot
So go and eat your dishes, I hope you do adore ’em
And eat them with your loved ones and tell them you’re thankful for ’em
And thanks to all of you who read my silly little words
Now I’ve gots to eat my stuffing–bitch, that turkey’s for the birds
Gobble.
Harvest, Bitch.
There’s a chill in the air and it’s feelin’ pretty nice
And when you go into a Starbucks yous be gettin’ pumpkin spice
So break out that padded vest, put away them seersuckers
It’s my favorite time of year, IT’S THE HARVEST MOTHAFUCKAS
Time to go jump in the leaves and time to follow me on twitter
Time to pick some apples and then eat a frickin’ fritter
And boys, it’s time you find a bitch to take under your covers
Cuz I’m telling you, you heard it here, THE HARVEST IS FOR LOVERS
And to get yourself a lady you need tips, well boys, I got ’em
If you follow my instructions you will get some tail this autumn
The secret to make sure that you will get some harvest lovin’
It be right under your nose, right in your MOTHAFUCKIN’ OVEN
You don’t need no sexy music, you don’t need no water bed
All you need to know is how to make a PUMPKIN BREAD
Now if baking freaks you out and you normally eschew it
Don’t worry, mothafucka, I’MMA TEACH YOU HOW TO DO IT
First you take a cup a sugar, cream it with a stick of butter
Give your bitch a little wink and then her heart will go aflutter
Add a teaspoon of vanilla and two eggs and stir it well
(Maybe crack the eggs beforehand YOU DON’T WANT NO BITS OF SHELL)
In a different bowl add flour, like a whole cup and a half
(And verify your bitch is clean of STDs or STAPH)
Add a half teaspoon of salt and one teaspoon baking soda
And to get her in the mood just turn on Kathy Lee and Hoda
Mix all that shit together and then soon she’ll know what’s up
When to that you add some pumpkin ONE ENTIRE FUCKIN’ CUP
Now for my big secret that’ll really make her scream
To that you add a half a cup of fuckin’ SOUR CREAM
SOUR CREAM? You may ask? BITCH YOU CRAZY, MAKE NO SENSE!
But you betta believe–it makes that loaf so MOIST AND DENSE
Sour cream and pumpkin is a combo that’s climactic
It’s creamy and it’s tangy from the acid that’s all LACTIC
Now she’ll really want you but you gots to tell her “IN A MIN”
Cuz you gots to add a teaspoon of some fuckin’ cinnamon
And you make you lady wait, even though by now she’s beggin’
You need a half a teaspoon–you be gettin NUTEGGIN
And one last thing to make sure you be gettin in her hips
Stir in some fuckin’ semi-sweet CHOCOLATE FUCKIN CHIPS
Pour it in a loaf pan that you’ve parchmented or greased
Bake at 350 for an hour, brotha, YOURE A FUCKIN’ BEAST
Then go and get your freak on and a pumpkiny aroma
Will wake you up like Folgers from your fall post-coital coma
And I promise you there’s no way that that chick was even faking
Though I cannot guarantee she didn’t use you for your your baking
And if you think baking’s girly work, best for a maid or elf
I’ve got a BINDER FULL OF WOMEN telling you to fuck yourself
So go and get your bake on, don’t you think of hesitating
(This works especially well if she is fat or menstruating)
And when all is said and done you can go cuddle up beside her
And instead of cigarettes cool off with pumpkin bread and cider
word.
(recipe adapted from http://www.food.com/recipe/sour-cream-pumpkin-bread-157475)
Bagels, Bitch.
YO every Sunday morning all we Jews go on a mission
Like Tevye told Lazar Wolf, “THIS SHIT IS OUR TRADITION”
You jump right out of bed (where you are practicing your kagels)
And you get your ass in line to get some MOTHA FUCKIN’ BAGELS
I don’t want no fancy shit, NO THANKS, BAREFOOT CONTESSA
I used to go to H&H but now I go to ESS-A
And fellas, if you want a bitch, before you go and pork her
Take her out for bagels, see if she’s a true New Yorker
You don’t need no background check, no need to check her references
All you need to know is in her FUCKIN’ BAGEL PREFERENCES
Yo don’t want a bitch who goes and orders a dozen
They’ll be bad in 3 hours, eat them HOT NOW, COUSIN
She’ll tell you she’ll just freeze ’em when she gives her big-ass order
Back the fuck away, you’ve found a FUCKIN’ BAGEL HOARDER
If she likes a lot of seeds, I’m talkin’ sesame or poppy
And gets ’em all up in her teeth, then you can bet that bitch is sloppy
You know she’ll be a downer with some deep, depressing ballad
If she orders MOTHAFUCKIN’ WHITEFISH MOTHAFUCKIN’ SALAD
Girls are fun and quirky if they order pumpernickel
She’ll be easy if she gets herself a BIG FULL SOUR PICKLE
Beware of cinnamon raisin, if you know what I mean
They may be real hot but they’re like, SO under eighteen
She’s real Jewey if she asks them, “Can you scoop it out please??”
Yeah, bitch, you’ll get real skinny once you fill that shit with CHEESE
If you wanna bag a shiksa, then you know that you’ll be safe
If she gets bacon on that bagel–LEMME HEAR YA SAY TRAIF
And a bitch who gets a flagel will be sure to take good care of ya
She maximizes overall POTENTIAL SCHMEARING AREA
A bitch who really knows the perfect schmear-to-bagel ratio
In my informal study, tends to give the best fellatio
She knows to spread it evenly, across the whole diameter
She even knows to rap it out in I-AM-BIC PENTAMETER (or really more heptameter…if she’s really awesome)
I can always tell a guy who had a bagel bitch come ova
To me, the smell of love is wholewheat everything and NOVA
And for some extra credit, after you go make your nookie
Forget the cigarette and have a BLACK AND WHITE COOKIE
So why are you still home? Go get some bitches up in here
Get your ass some bagels with some MOTHAFUCKIN SCHMEAR
word.
Pizza, Bitch.
Yo I moved to New York from the good ol’ Midwest
Why did I move? Cuz it’s the MOTHA FUCKIN’ BEST
Sure Ohio’s less expensive, more charming, and much greener
New York has more pollution and is Jewier and meaner
I’ll always love Ohio, Cleveland’s really fuckin’ great
But I gotsta say my mind is in an EMPIRE STATE
Bitch, I loves what Jay-Z and Alicia be dishin’
Even with their quite improper USE OF A PREPOSITION
I defend it to my family like, “People here aren’t rude!”
And plus, if nothing else, I love New York for the food
Cuz frankly I don’t need you to be all cute and nice
When I go into a pizza joint to feed my face a slice
But just the other night I had a pizza run go bad
I won’t mention where I was cuz STANTON PIZZA WOULD BE MAD
127 Stanton is the more precise address
We stopped in because my husband has male-onset PMS
So once a month I feed him all the food I have on hand
And I give him the remote to watch THE NOTEBOOK ON DEMAND
I know him so well that by the way he was behaving
I would gladly give in to his late-night pizza craving
So we walk into the joint and I can’t believe my eyes
So many fuckin’ beautiful fuckin’ PIZZA PIES
The pepperoni look delicious, they’re all juicy and big
But I’m all good and Jewey so I DO NOT EAT THE PIG
At the the time it seemed too girly to just get a slice of veggie
I was tired and sweaty with a HUGE SPANX WEDGIE
My husband decides that he thinks he’s gonna getta
Slice of the fresh lookin’ one THAT IS THEIR BRUSCHETTA
So the dude cuts a slice for my very handsome fella
And I think I’m leaning toward the one with fresh mozzarella
But he cuts my guys bruschetta and that shit looks good as hell
So I’m like, “Actually, I’m gonna please have one of those as well”
And the dude shoots me this sneer that’s sayin’, “Really? are you shitting me?”
And I laugh cuz he’s just playin’, right? He’s gotta be kidding me
So I’m all like, “Whoops, sorry!” still thinking that he’s toying
He barks, “CUTTING SEPARATE SLICES IS JUST REALLY DAMN ANNOYING”
He was yellin’ pretty sternly which was givin’ me the shakes
Which resulted in my pouring all of the RED PEPPER FLAKES
So we ate our pizza quietly and left right at the end
We headed down the street and then we bumped into a friend
We all were early for a party right there on Stanton Street
She’s like, “You guys know somewhere close where I can grab a bite to eat?”
I tell her ’bout the pizza place and say the guy was vicious
But the more I talk about it, man, THAT PIZZA WAS DELICIOUS
So the three of us walk in and the guy’s about to plotz
This time I’d play it safe and simply order GARLIC KNOTS
Garlic knots are friendly! I love eatin’ ’em and smellin’ ’em
And then he yells at me again, “I HATE MAKIN’ ‘EM AND SELLIN’ ‘EM”
I have no clue what’s going on, I am really at a loss
And he mockingly turns to me as asks, “You want some sauce?”
BITCH, OF COURSE I WANT SAUCE! So I mutter, “Yes please”
But I wasn’t gonna push and ask for PARMESAN CHEESE
The next customer comes in that this dude’s about to serve
He says, “I hate it when people ask for sauce, WHAT NERVE”
I just cannot pick up on these social cues he’s handin’
I feel awkward and Aspergery like fuckin’ TEMPLE GRANDIN
I wanted to tell someone–like the pizza paparazzi
SOMETHING MUST BE DONE ABOUT THE FUCKIN’ GARLIC NAZI
Bullying is bad, but I couldn’t let it fester
This was a pizza joint, bitch, not a school bus in Rochester
So I take a big deep breath and I try not to get mad
And those fuckin’ garlic knots were like, the best I’d ever had
I loved the pizza and the knots, every bite, I couldn’t help it
I wanted to go home and fucking FIVE STAR YELP IT
So I wrote a good review, I know, I couldn’t be much dorkier
Getting yelled at with great pizza, bitch, it don’t get much New Yorkier
And I left him a good tip and now attention has been paid
All in this concrete jungle, OF WHICH DREAMS ARE MADE
word.
Learn the Trade, Bitch.
Yo New York City is that kind of a town
With lots of places to go when you feel like gettin’ down
They’ve got lounges and bars and clubs with bottle service
But slutty girls and sparklers make me ITCHY and NERVOUS
The drinks there are expensive and the bathrooms always dirty
I prefer somewhere clean and much more Hawaiian shirty
So when I wanna hang with my bitches and hoes
I grab my canvas bags and I head to TRADER JOE’S
I walk in the door and I get the party started
There’s no bouncer, but a GREETER and he gets me SHOPPING CARTED
I get on my way and I tell my husband SEE YAS
Cuz mama’s gotta get some fuckin’ whole wheat tortillas
The guy stocking yogurt is kinda a putz
I’ll come back and get it later and I’ll stock up on some NUTS
Then this little Jew girl really thinks she’s seein’ Jesus
When I get to the wall of AFFORDABLE CHEESES
Then the snack food aisle makes all the bitches horny
I get peanut butter pretzels and all CRAZY KETTLE CORNEY
There’s shampoo for your hair, for your feet they’ve got pumice
But the real shiznit is that HORSERADISH HUMMUS
Yogurt! There you are! I will come and I will get you!
Don’t you DARE think for a second that I’d ever forget you
I get all the new items cuz I love me some change
Then get a dozen eggs WHAT WHAT FREE RANGE
The fun doesn’t stop even when I’m in line
A pound of dark chocolate for A DOLLAR NINETY-NINE
And so I wait my turn and I’m admiring my load
And they ring their little bells
TRADER JOE’S MORSE CODE
We get up to the front and I jump and celebrate
And they wave the little flag and tell me LINE 28
We go to check out, the guy scans my chicken patty
And my husband rolls his eyes cuz this dude’s OVERLY CHATTY
He talks about each item and it kinda takes forever
But I don’t mind a bit, thank you, TRADER JOE’S TREVOR
The bill is so cheap and my husband is stoked
Bitch, I need a cigarette and I ain’t NEVA even smoked
So we got enough food to fill an auditorium
Bitch I’m never goin’ back to fuckin’ Food Emporium
word.
Jap Rap 