Jew Girl Rapper Raps Pregnancy!

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10

It’s summer and you think I’m gonna rap ’bout somethin’ lotional

Today’s a little different, y’all, forgive me if I’m ‘motional

Let’s take a little breather, slow it down and maybe park it

Put away your kale from your co-op hipster market

Let’s gather like it’s Pesach, all my sisters and my brothers

While I tell you why this night is so much DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHERS

So let’s all listen up, just relax or take a pill

And I’ll tell y’all the story cuz this shit ’bout to get RIL

Ten years ago today, in his junior year of college

Was a Jewey little pre-med who was fillin’ up with knowledge

(And frat parties and beer, but like, he was young and bonery

and KINDA maybe KINDA SORTA just a LITTLE stonery)

And while the other kids at Michigan sang “Hail to the VIC”

He was singin, “HAELLL, you guys, I feel kinda SICK”

He went and got some blood tests and was soon faced with the answer

And headed to the hospital with motherfucking cancer

When you go off to college, you might worry ’bout bulimia

And OBVIOUSLY herpes, but for real y’all, LEUKEMIA?

He did chemo, radiation, and the outcome still looked narrow

The kid needed a transplant of like, ALL of his bone marrow

He comes from this great family, they’re there for one another

And luckily he found a match in his little brother

(On a side note, join the donor list, PREACH THAT, Doctor Oz,

It’s tough to match minorities like blacks and ASHKENAZ)

In the midst of this he met a girl, which might sound real alarming

He may have been all bald and sick but WORKED it, and was charming

They chatted on IM (You remember that? I’m old…)

And she was super awesome, or like, that’s what I am told

They counted down his quarantine, the hurdles and the hoops

Their first kiss sent him to the hospital–can I get an OOPS?

So she asked him how long it would be till he’s out of the wood?

And he said 10 years post-transplant would be like, REALLY REALLY good

Ten years seemed like forever, so they just went on with life

They finished school, started careers, and then the girl became his wife

If you measure life in love LIKE RENT, then they had lots of wealth

And were thankful every day, for each other, and their health

And the boy became a cancer doc, yea, that deserves some clapping

The girl became an actress and she dabbles in Jew rapping

And though you can’t say ten whole years ever goes by fast

The day they waited for so long is finally here at last

I’m jappy rappy, never sappy, but these years have been a whirl

I’m so grateful for this guy, and I’m so lucky I’m his girl

If the cheesiness ain’t too much yet, well, now I’m ’bout to ruin it

Know where he’s at work today? The bone marrow transplant unit

He says fate can gently guide you, but sometimes it’s a firm push

And he’s one hell of a doctor, and has one hell of a tush

I try not to rap too personal, I usually berate it

But when life gives you a gift like this, you have to celebrate it

Life is full of ups and downs, it comes with hope and doubt

And there’s times when you should have your cake and blow your candles out

Happy 10 years, my sweet love, you took cancer and you beat it

Today’s the day you’ll have your cake and motherfuckin’ eat it

So let’s all celebrate today, even just a sliver

Cuz I have got a cake I’ve waited ten years to deliver

word.

Post Wedding 3_2_2

Trust, Bitch.

Yo sometimes I leave town when I’m doin’ a show

And bitch, I miss my husband like, more than you know

Without me he’s so sad, he’s prob’ly home singin’ a ballad

And crying lonely tears into our FAVORITE TACO SALAD

And he’ll be sitting there confused and really feeling a loss

Cuz I’m the one who always orders extra SPICY YELLOW SAUCE

What if he’s so lonely he just takes up Dianetics?

I’m a worrier, bitch, THANK YOU JEWISH GENETICS

But I don’t worry ’bout him cheating, he’s too good to scratch that itch

And I hung posters ’round Manhattan warning I WILL CHOKE A BITCH

So all them ladies in New York know that they BETTA stay real far

Yeah, they know it like they know Dan Smith will TEACH THEM THE GUITAR

And though I’m doin’ MY thang, I just can’t seem to forget

All my worries that his needs aren’t bein’ mothafuckin’ MET

So the other day I’m worryin’ that he’s at home unstable

When my phone rings with an email from our friends at OPENTABLE

If you don’t use OpenTable, then yous GOTSTA be insane

Bitch, we NEED our reservations, we ain’t ANTHONY BOURDAIN

And the emails come to me, not because I am imperious

We’re just Jewish and we take our OpenTable points FOR SERIOUS

“Table for 2, Friday night,” a confirmation

With an email like that, one might resort to castration

(For me, it put an end to my past week of constipation)

And then my email rings AGAIN! Who’s it from? Bitch, are you curious?

Fandango.com! Two seats for FAST and FUCKIN’ FURIOUS

And fast and furious was I, all my trust flew out the door

My heart goes racing wildly, I’m gonna kill this whore

My hands shook as I dialed, cuz the news kinda impaled me

But it only rang through twice–OH NO HE DIN-UNT—HE VOICEMAILED ME!

So I sent that boy a text like, “MOTHERFUCKER–WHERE YOU ARE??”

Typing…Typing…he’s like, “DYLAN’S mothafuckin’ CANDY BAR!”

And my anger turned to sadness, this shit REALLY hurt my fillins

That’s our very special thing–PRE-MOVIE mothafuckin’ DYLAN’S

He knows the mix I like: gummies bottom, chocolate middle,

Topped with TONS of sour shit, and like, ONE Sour Skittle

He knows that once I dig in, I just giggle like I’m tickerish

When the perfect ‘mout of sour gets on that AUSTRALIAN LICORICE

And basically, he knows that when he makes that mix of candy

There’s 100% success rate that he’ll prolly get a handy

Just right then phone rang, it was him and I was seething

But I calmly said hello and I practiced LAMAZE BREATHING

(NO, Mom…no)

“Whatcha doin’ tonight?” He’s like, “A movie and a drinkler”

“OH YEAH??” “WITH WHOM? ” He’s says, “With FUCKIN’ Jason FUCKIN’ Finkler”*

 (*not exactly a direct quote I don’t think)

(AND BITCH, you BETTA know your WHO from WHOM–sorry for the pause,

BUT YOU GOTSTA KNOW use WHOM when it’s the OBJECT OF A CLAUSE)

“JASON FINKLER??” I said, and I felt like such a sucker

“JASON FINKLER!” he says, “IT’S A MAN DATE, MOTHER FUCKER”*

(*again, not like 100% sure that was the exact quote)

“Fandango and Dylans?” I say, “Those are OUR routines!”

He’s like, “I changed the mix cuz Jason really likes his JELLY BEANS”

“Did you get two separate bags?” He’s all, “No–we’re gonna share”

“We’ll just put it on the armrest of the MOTHAFUCKIN’ chair”

“And OpenTable for a man date? Dudes just go to burger joints!”

He’s like, “Baby, I am serious ABOUT MY FUCKIN’ POINTS”*

(*actually this may have been a direct quote)

So I told him, “Go have fun with Jason Finkler on your date”

“And call me when it’s over, and Aar–don’t stay out too late”

I then put down my phone, so ashamed I freaked and fussed

When I know I married my best friend, whoM I can always trust

And really, was I worried that someone would date and kiss him?

Nah–truth is when I’m gone, I simply really fuckin’ miss him

And while I’m here it’s nice to know he’s taken care of by good friends

And Finkler, if you cared, perhaps some nookie when it ends

Jason, I’m just kidding you, you know I like to joke ya

(Cuz Finkler if you did, you saw the signs, I’D FUCKIN’ CHOKE YA)

And Fast and Furious? I’d NEVER, even if you paid me MILLINS

(Or I’d see it for a handy and two pounds from fuckin’ Dylan’s)

word.

222814_904360891545_1280311_n(Names have been changed to protect the totally innocent Jordan fuckin’ Finkler)

Marriage, Bitch.

With Delaware there’s now eleven states in our great nation

To have legalized gay marriage, bitch, that’s cause for celeBRATION

And when it comes to marriage, I am TOTES the expert source

I’ve been married five whole years, so like, DUH OF COURSE

Now that so many more of us can enter wedded bliss

I’m ’bout to give y’all some insight BETTA LISTEN UP TO THIS

Now, I really love my husband, bitch, I’ve said it many times

We’re committed to each other (COUGH COUGH LeAnn COUGH COUGH Rimes)

But marriage is complex and really nobody explores

All the things be happenin’ behind closed married doors

So before y’all get hitched and go become co-haBITable

There are many things ’bout which you should make sure you’re compatTITible

Today I’m here to tell you ’bout just one point of contention

That has lately caused some stress on our here marital convention

See there’s one thing that my husband likes a VERY certain way

Whereas I prefer it sloppily and sometimes twice a day

I initiate and get it done most of the time, however,

He would rather do it rigidly and frankly, HARDLY EVER

Now, Im not intent to scare you or cause feelings of foreboding

But before you wed, you GOTSTA talk about DISHWASHER LOADING

This is a sad sad problem, kids, so go and grab your tissues

And thank y’all for listenin’ to my WHITE GIRL JEWISH ISSUES

This has long been a problem in our real humble abode

Though I get away with my way, almost every fuckin’ load

The only time is sucks is when my guy catches a glimpse

He thinks he’s the big daddy of DISHWASHER LOADING PIMPS

And he kinda is an expert on the loading of it since

He’s never EVER lived without one (he’s a pretty pretty prince)

We’re equals in our marriage, so bitch, I don’t let him rule me

But when he sees my sloppy loading he can’t help but try to school me

His arrangement of the forks is always much better than mine

“You have to separate them so they’re  CLEAN BETWEEN EACH TINE”

(That’s what the spikes on a fork are called. BITCH)

I put the glasses on the prongs and he’s all, “NO! They’re there to NESTLE”

“And tupperware goes on the top OR ELSE YOU’LL WARP THE VESSEL”

He tries to be real tender as he flips over the knives

“Honey, you don’t realize this is endangering our lives” (they’re butter knives)

“And only put as many glasses in as the tray can take,

Overcrowding and vibrations gonna cause that shit to BREAK”

“AND separate the plates, it’s REALLY BAD when they are stacking”

BITCH, you know what’s REALLY BAD? FUCKIN’hydroFRICKINGfracking

But I always get the job done when I do it my own way

He’s like the mean coach from The Mighty Ducks and BITCH, I’M COACH BOMBAY

And truth be told, the tips he has are really kinda great

But he hasn’t loaded up that shit since TWO THOUSAND AND EIGHT

And he’s so smart it blows my mind, he never stops to think

How those dishes all get clean when he just leaves them in the SINK

There are famous sloppy loaders, take Korean rapper Psy or

Perhaps Elena Kagan or SONIA SOTOMAYOR

Ok, I made that up, but you get what I mean

If a tree falls in a forest, THEN THAT SHIT’S STILL FUCKIN’ CLEAN

But when he redoes all my loading and tells me that’s horrible

I can’t help but to smile cuz his OCD’s adorable

And each time we end up laughing, every time a little louder

As he tells me why the tablets are much better than the powder

So even with this issue, this problem SO domestic

Being married to your best friend bitch, really is majestic

I’ll go put away the dishes now, no reason to protest

There’s only two glasses to put away (cuz bitch, I broke the rest)

word.

Bagels, Bitch.

YO every Sunday morning all we Jews go on a mission

Like Tevye told Lazar Wolf, “THIS SHIT IS OUR TRADITION”

You jump right out of bed (where you are practicing your kagels)

And you get your ass in line to get some MOTHA FUCKIN’ BAGELS

I don’t want no fancy shit, NO THANKS, BAREFOOT CONTESSA

I used to go to H&H but now I go to ESS-A

And fellas, if you want a bitch, before you go and pork her

Take her out for bagels, see if she’s a true New Yorker

You don’t need no background check, no need to check her references

All you need to know is in her FUCKIN’ BAGEL PREFERENCES

Yo don’t want a bitch who goes and orders a dozen

They’ll be bad in 3 hours, eat them HOT NOW, COUSIN

She’ll tell you she’ll just freeze ’em when she gives her big-ass order

Back the fuck away, you’ve found a FUCKIN’ BAGEL HOARDER

If she likes a lot of seeds, I’m talkin’ sesame or poppy

And gets ’em all up in her teeth, then you can bet that bitch is sloppy

You know she’ll be a downer with some deep, depressing ballad

If she orders MOTHAFUCKIN’ WHITEFISH MOTHAFUCKIN’ SALAD

Girls are fun and quirky if they order pumpernickel

She’ll be easy if she gets herself a BIG FULL SOUR PICKLE

Beware of cinnamon raisin, if you know what I mean

They may be real hot but they’re like, SO under eighteen

She’s real Jewey if she asks them, “Can you scoop it out please??”

Yeah, bitch, you’ll get real skinny once you fill that shit with CHEESE

If you wanna bag a shiksa, then you know that you’ll be safe

If she gets bacon on that bagel–LEMME HEAR YA SAY TRAIF

And a bitch who gets a flagel will be sure to take good care of ya

She maximizes overall POTENTIAL SCHMEARING AREA

A bitch who really knows the perfect schmear-to-bagel ratio

In my informal study, tends to give the best fellatio

She knows to spread it evenly, across the whole diameter

She even knows to rap it out in I-AM-BIC PENTAMETER (or really more heptameter…if she’s really awesome)

I can always tell a guy who had a bagel bitch come ova

To me, the smell of love is wholewheat everything and NOVA

And for some extra credit, after you go make your nookie

Forget the cigarette and have a BLACK AND WHITE COOKIE

So why are you still home? Go get some bitches up in here

Get your ass some bagels with some MOTHAFUCKIN SCHMEAR

word.

Camping, Bitch.

Yo once upon a time I was young and in love

We was just like peas and carrots, just like OJ and his GLOVE

But oftentimes love just gets you stupid and naive

You agree to do some shit that you wouldn’t BELIEVE

So of course my little heart filled with joy and such elation

When my guy described what would be our “romantic vacation”

So although this bitch was bloated with full pre-menstrual cramping

I joyfully agreed to go mothafuckin CAMPING

Now, believe me when I tell you just how nice he made it sound

All alone in the wild without anyone around

He’s all, “Just pack up some bikinis and some shorts and a few tanks”

And I really kinda dug it–NO NEED FOR HEELS OR SPANX

So we packed up the car and drove to Canada’s border

Which took an hour to cross cuz we were stuck behind a HOARDER

Then out of the blue, it kinda started to drizzle

Then the skies opened up and that rain was off the HIZZLE

He was totally unfazed and all, “Don’t worry! It’ll pass!”

So we bought a box of wine (cuz the parks allow NO GLASS)

We pull up to the parking lot, the rain has yet to stop

And I smile with my sunscreen and my little white tank top

So we drive and buy some sweatshirts just to cover up my titties

(Jewish boobs fare better when they’re placed in major cities)

So we set off to our campsite, this entire time he knew

To get to our site took two hours by CANOE

So I tried to row my paddles, simply trying to be dutiful

Through the rain and thunder I screamed, “BABY THIS IS BEAUTIFUL!”

We finally reached land and I needed a massage

I thought we were all done, NU UH, we still had to PORTAGE

That didn’t sound so bad HA! actually instead

That means you go on a hike with the canoe on your dang HEAD

We finally get to the site, and I thought I’d get some tongue

But no, we had to search the site to check for BEAR DUNG

He decided that the site was gonna be just fine

So he went to pitch the tent and I drank the box of wine

There was nothing but rain for as far as we could see

This was nothing like “glamping” on REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC

Those bitches had a cabin and each had her cell pho-en

And I ain’t under contract with Bravo’s Andy Co-hen

So I waited in the tent, soaking wet from head to toe

I hadn’t peed all day, I was TOO AFRAID TO GO

I knew how to do it, but it still was kinda divey

I was scared I’d wipe my chach with the wrong kind of BLUE IVY

So whereas I thought this trip would bring us sexual elation

Instead I was wet and drunk and faced with CAMPING CONSTIPATION

I heard a rustle and I screamed, I thought a bear had come to greet us

But instead it was my cold wet guy, he had made fajitas

We snuggled up and went to bed, too cold to get real frisky

I stayed awake and watched for bears–sleeping was TOO RISKY

So our camping night that should have been filled with such romance

Turned into one where every sound made me crap my pants

In the morning my guy hung a little hammock that he found

I jumped on in and flipped it and we both fell on the ground

And for a moment we were happy, though I may have been obtuse

Cuz as soon as we stood up I squealed, “HOLY FUCK! A MOOSE!”

“Just be quiet,” my guy said, “You don’t wanna scare him off”

But he was just a yard away so I took pictures with a scoff

Then it ran away, my guy sighed and made a tinkle

I guess a moose can kill a bitch, THANKS A LOT, BULLWINKLE

The rain looked like it’d come again, we thought we might as well

Gather all our shit and get our asses a hotel

So we packed up all our stuff, the tent and the canoe

And I pretended to paddle for an hour or two

I took a look around us, just the water and the green

It was the most gorgeous place that I ever had seen

The rain kept pelting down, thunder roaring from above

I looked back at my guy and thought, Fuck. I am in love.

So although I’d sooner go to yoga class to get my zen

When it comes camping, well, for him, I’d do it all again

Nearly moosed and hypothermic, but at least we were together

So, yeah, I’d try again, but I would check the fucking weather.

word.

Love, Bitch.

Yo, flowers and chocolates and really good food

Are just some of the things that put folks in the mood

Some look at porn whenever they’re able

Or watch Robin Byrd (cuz it’s on basic cable)

Some get turned on when they meet girls at bars

Or buy blow up dolls, like that real girl with Lars

Now I love my husband, he knows I adore him

Cuz I know exactly the thing that does it for him

And if you’re good, I’ll tell you my tip

Nothing turns a man on like a GOOD COSTCO TRIP

At only 5’7 he feels like the Hulk

When my man is able to buy his shit in bulk

Shampoo, paper towels, 3 flip cam recorders

My apartment looks like it’s a scene out of HOARDERS

We’ve got 35 yogurts with fruit on the bottom

100 super tampons? OH BITCH, you BET I got ’em

Got a liter of Gold Bond for when your balls itch

Don’t cut me for samples, cuz like, I will choke a bitch

My guy’s got a swagger unmatched by Don Draper

With 84 rolls of 3-ply toilet paper

(that’s like 252 1-ply rolls, BITCH)

So whenever my man is feelin’ real beddish

I gladly give in to his WILD Costco fetish

Please heed my advice, I find it applies

Especially well to like, ALL JEWISH GUYS

So forget the champagne and the horse-drawn carriage

And head up to Costco,

Hells yeah, bitch, that’s marriage.

word.