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Holiday Recap, Bitch.

‘Twas the holiday season, so I took a little breather

For New Years and for Christmas, (even though I’m no believer)

So everybody clap your hands and maybe shake a titty

And I’ll tell you ’bout my holidays RIGHT HERE IN NEW YORK CITY

The greatest city in the world, at the best of the year

Christmas day’s my favorite when I spend it UP IN HERE

I made some coffee in my Chemex which I bought at Sur La Table

And hopped aboard the train to see LES FUCKIN’ MISERABLES

The only tickets I could get required us to travel down

DON’T UNDERESTIMATE HOW MANY JEWS LIVE HERE UPTOWN

Now, this is real embarrassing, I am quite ashamed to tout

I had never seen the show, I never knew what it’s about

I know, I know, I’m sorry, on Yom Kippur I’ll repent

But for now, I saw the movie, SO I’LL TELL YOU HOW IT WENT

Jean Valjean stole what must’ve been some really damn good bread

Fantine becomes a whore because of her enormous head

She sings and cries real hard and it’s emotionally draining

And she let the cameraman fulfill his endoscopic training

I thought I heard a sheep with Parkinson’s, but that was just Cosette

And I felt bad for Eponine, so single, and so wet

The rebels fought on mounds of furniture, just asking for an injury

While Marius was hiding that he’s really rich and gingery

Javert falls real far to the water down below

And I kinda didn’t mind, I couldn’t listen to him CROWe

They all die and wave a flag and sing a big ol’ song

You should go, but bring a catheter, it’s eighteen hours long

And so we left the movie and the streets were calm and placid

And we made our way to Chinatown and each popped an antacid

As Jewish folk, we’re prone to acid reflux damn disease

And we’re also prone on Christmas day to eat some DAMN CHINESE

I thought we’d go downtown and celebrate Chinese ethnicity

So we went to Spicy Village, bitch, I’m all ’bout authenticity

We got the big hot pot of chicken from a waitress who was toneless

But it freaked my Jew boy out cuz HE PREFERS HIS CHICKEN BONELESS

Which brings me to the new year, bitch, you just would not believe

What it’s like to be in NYC on NEW YEARS FUCKIN’ EVE

You’ll pay a ton at shitty restaurants, fixed menus and bad food

Bitch, I wouldn’t pay that much for Daniel fuckin’ BOULUD

You could pay a ton for parties and before the bubbly’s popped

You’re surrounded by obnoxious kids whose own balls haven’t dropped

And you kiss someone at midnight cuz you think that sounds like fun

And you start the new year off with herpes simplex TYPE ONE

We totally were gonna go to a crazy rager

But my husband is a doctor, it’d be hard to hear his pager

So we stayed in our apartment, locked the deadbolt on the door

And we had our favorite new years, which I really do adore

We order tons of shitty tacos, the worst we can obtain

And pair them with a bottle of fantastic-ass champagne

And we eat and drink and get into a gassy drunken stupor

And watch some Kathy Griffin and a giggly Andy Cooper

I find the best of holidays are drama-free and braless

And spent with the one I the love most–these holidays were flawless

So there you have my full recap, from Christmas to the ball

And a very happy new year from Jap Rapper to y’all.

word.

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2 responses to “Holiday Recap, Bitch.

  1. TiZ

    love ya, bitch…

  2. Lee ⋅

    Awesome! Happy New Year!

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