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Caffeine, Bitch.

Yo once in a while, I’ll do a focus group or two

Cuz I can’t say no to money, bitch, because I am a Jew

So of course I jumped right on it–didn’t even have to think

When I was offered 80 bucks to test an ENERGY DRINK

Now this seemed like a cinch, and I’ll tell you what I mean

Bitch, I may be small, but I can hold my damn CAFFEINE

If I don’t have my coffee I will really feel unstable

When it comes to espresso I’ll drink a bitch UNDER THE TABLE

So it seemed like I’d won the focus group lotto

And I went to test the drink (after my MORNING MACCHIATO)

All I had to do was taste the drink that I was dealt

And five hours later, report back on how I felt

Now they had warned against it, but I guess I forgot

We weren’t supposed to have caffeine pre-energy shot

I didn’t say a word (I didn’t want them to reject me)

Cuz how much was one coffee really gonna affect me?

They asked me how I felt and I smiled like a pro

Cuz that amount of caffeine puts me at my STATUS QUO

And so I said goodbye, with 80 dollars, feelin’ rich

Who can handle her caffeine? THAT’S RIGHT! THIS BITCH!

I start to head home and I’m feelin quite awake

When out of the blue, my whole body starts to SHAKE

I decide I need some sugar–I work out, I deserve it

I spot a shop with Jelly Bellys and I SELF-SERVE IT

So I grab a paper bag, I smile at the owner fellow

And I dig that candy shovel into TOASTED MARSHMALLOW

I pour them in my shaky bag, I try to keep decorum

But that bag is shakin’ louder than a GROGGER ON PURIM

I shove the beans into my mouth as I’m trekkin’ through bohemia

This ain’t from the caffeine, this shit’s HYPOGLYCEMIA

You give me caffeine, I’m no pussy, I can take it

I saw a bus and thought, “IF I RUN I’LL PROLLY MAKE IT!”

So I start to run real fast, I think I’m really gonna meet it

And then I think NO! I’m gonna MOTHA FUCKIN BEAT IT!

I’ve never run so fast, I was hardly even tryin’

I was soarin up 1st Avenue–Bitch, I was fuckin’ FLYIN’

I couldn’t believe just how fast that I was goins

Like a little white Jewish motha fuckin’ JESSE OWENS

The bus was fast approachin’ so I kicked it into thrust

I ran past a group of ghetto kids and shouted “EAT MY DUST!”

I watched the bus get closer–I was about to reach my goal!


I hit it with my head and made it ring for a bit

And those ghetto kids I passed were all like “AWWW SHITTT”

But I kept on my way–I didn’t even make a fuss

And wouldn’t ya know! I STILL MADE THE FUCKIN’ BUS!

So I call my Jewish mother (yeas, I gots me one of those)

And of course her first question is “DID YOU HIT YOUR NOSE?”

She seemed a bit upset when I said no and nixed it

And she whispered to my dad “Well, insurance could have fixed it”

So I got back home and reported how I felt

I was shakin’ like crazy and on my head I had a welt

And my mother was cryin for her Jewey-nosed daughter

From now on I should stick to drinkin’ lemon with hot water

For the money I made, I was not a pretty sight

I would NOT do that again (Well for 90 bucks I might)


10 responses to “Caffeine, Bitch.

  1. morezennow ⋅

    LMFAO, this is so funny! You had me when I spotted the title.
    “I may be small, but I can hold my fuckin’ CAFFEINE

    If I don’t have my coffee I will really feel unstable

    When it comes to espresso I’ll drink a bitch under the table”
    is fuckin’ priceless!

  2. From one true Caffeind to another, thank you for this hilariously cautionary tale, told in a way that only you know how to pull off! LOL
    Love the wide brown eyed photo at the end, which gives my comment here a certain symmetry, since I want to thank you for liking my post “Moving to Australia” in which I also tried to also save my best for the end, but instead of ending with a face, I ended mine with my “end”. 🙂

  3. “DID YOU HIT YOUR NOSE?” is too funny. witty shit. continue…

  4. Thanks for stopping by my blog. This rap is hilarious! I thought only my kids ran into poles. Don’t take this badly but I’m glad it can happen to grown-ups too. I don’t handle caffeine overload very well either…

  5. Thanx for the like on my blog! 🙂

  6. OMG, each one of this is funnier than the last — I have yet to not laugh out loud HARD! Keep ’em coming — and publish them in a book! I’m NOT KIDDING!

  7. HILARIOUS!!! Complete with a photo at the end! 🙂

  8. Pingback: Yoga, Bitch. | Jap Rap

  9. Pingback: In Charge, Bitch. | Jap Rap

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