Tag Archives: Family
10
It’s summer and you think I’m gonna rap ’bout somethin’ lotional
Today’s a little different, y’all, forgive me if I’m ‘motional
Let’s take a little breather, slow it down and maybe park it
Put away your kale from your co-op hipster market
Let’s gather like it’s Pesach, all my sisters and my brothers
While I tell you why this night is so much DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHERS
So let’s all listen up, just relax or take a pill
And I’ll tell y’all the story cuz this shit ’bout to get RIL
Ten years ago today, in his junior year of college
Was a Jewey little pre-med who was fillin’ up with knowledge
(And frat parties and beer, but like, he was young and bonery
and KINDA maybe KINDA SORTA just a LITTLE stonery)
And while the other kids at Michigan sang “Hail to the VIC”
He was singin, “HAELLL, you guys, I feel kinda SICK”
He went and got some blood tests and was soon faced with the answer
And headed to the hospital with motherfucking cancer
When you go off to college, you might worry ’bout bulimia
And OBVIOUSLY herpes, but for real y’all, LEUKEMIA?
He did chemo, radiation, and the outcome still looked narrow
The kid needed a transplant of like, ALL of his bone marrow
He comes from this great family, they’re there for one another
And luckily he found a match in his little brother
(On a side note, join the donor list, PREACH THAT, Doctor Oz,
It’s tough to match minorities like blacks and ASHKENAZ)
In the midst of this he met a girl, which might sound real alarming
He may have been all bald and sick but WORKED it, and was charming
They chatted on IM (You remember that? I’m old…)
And she was super awesome, or like, that’s what I am told
They counted down his quarantine, the hurdles and the hoops
Their first kiss sent him to the hospital–can I get an OOPS?
So she asked him how long it would be till he’s out of the wood?
And he said 10 years post-transplant would be like, REALLY REALLY good
Ten years seemed like forever, so they just went on with life
They finished school, started careers, and then the girl became his wife
If you measure life in love LIKE RENT, then they had lots of wealth
And were thankful every day, for each other, and their health
And the boy became a cancer doc, yea, that deserves some clapping
The girl became an actress and she dabbles in Jew rapping
And though you can’t say ten whole years ever goes by fast
The day they waited for so long is finally here at last
I’m jappy rappy, never sappy, but these years have been a whirl
I’m so grateful for this guy, and I’m so lucky I’m his girl
If the cheesiness ain’t too much yet, well, now I’m ’bout to ruin it
Know where he’s at work today? The bone marrow transplant unit
He says fate can gently guide you, but sometimes it’s a firm push
And he’s one hell of a doctor, and has one hell of a tush
I try not to rap too personal, I usually berate it
But when life gives you a gift like this, you have to celebrate it
Life is full of ups and downs, it comes with hope and doubt
And there’s times when you should have your cake and blow your candles out
Happy 10 years, my sweet love, you took cancer and you beat it
Today’s the day you’ll have your cake and motherfuckin’ eat it
So let’s all celebrate today, even just a sliver
Cuz I have got a cake I’ve waited ten years to deliver
word.
Thanksgiving, Bitch.
Yo I gots a secret I gotta reveal
I never told nobody this, I don’t know how they gonna feel
Let me first make clear, I don’t want any misgivings
I MOTHAFUCKIN’ LOVE ME MOTHAFUCKIN’ THANKSGIVINGS (yeah, ALL of them)
I love that dang parade with that monkey made of sock
And I’ve got a thing for pilgrims, bitch, they MAKE MY PLYMOUTH ROCK
But the one thing that might leave you just LITTLE BIT murky
BITCH I fuckin’ HATE fuckinmothafuckin’ TURKEY
Not not to get all Freudian, a rapper never should
But I think my turkey loathing dates back to my childhood
See my Jewish mother loved me quite a mothafuckin’ bunch
And to ensure I got my protein packed me turkey for lunch
At first I didn’t mind, I’d just unpack my lunch and chew it
But as Jewish mothers often do, mine tends to overdo it
The turkey grew and grew to make sure that I was fed
All the sudden that dang sandwich was as big as my damn head
I was just a little girl, did she really think I’d eat a
Fuckin’ half a pound of turkey stuffed into a MINI PITA?
Kids would watch me eat it every day for years and years
And I’d be all covered in turkey smell and mustard (and some tears)
I tried to tell my mother that the turkey was for rookies
Why couldn’t she be cool and pack me SNACKWELL FUCKIN’ COOKIES?
But I’d lug around that turkey really looking like a fool
And that’s the reason why I wasn’t popular in school (and this, and maybe this)
So when I sit down at Thanksgiving I say, “Mmmm this turkey’s GREAT!”
But little do they know I ain’t got NONE upon my plate
All throughout the years I’ve gotten really good at bluffing
So that nobody would know I eat ENTIRE PLATES OF STUFFING
I see that bowl of stuffing and my lil eyeball twinkles
It’s my second favorite food group, next, of course, to RAINBOW SPRINKLES
My favorite kind of stuffing? Now, that’s up to some debate
But I love so many kinds, so bitch, I DON’T DISCRIMINATE
I once had a cornbread kind thanks to that Al Roker fella
And I tasted chestnut stuffing, LOVE FREE SAMPLES, CITARELLA
But my favorite’s challah stuffing, bitch, that always is a hit
I’m telling you I’d take a bath ALL UP IN THAT SHIT
My mom-in-law’s is so good, may require 5-star Yelping
NO I DO NOT MIND IF I TAKE A SEVENTH ANOTHER HELPING
My guy and I, we love to eat, but today our tastes get clashy
He loves his Thanksgiving food real mothafuckin’ trashy
The whole rest of the year he loves the Michelin man
But he won’t eat cranberries that aren’t shaped just like the can
And he loves to fill his plate with that nasty greenish slop
He loves that green bean casserole FRENCH’S ONIONS ON THE TOP
But man, I’m thankful for him, and for my dad and brother
And I’m really fuckin’ thankful for my turkey lovin’ mother
Who always really cared ’bout the nutrition that I got
If you measured love in turkey, then she sure loves me a lot
So go and eat your dishes, I hope you do adore ’em
And eat them with your loved ones and tell them you’re thankful for ’em
And thanks to all of you who read my silly little words
Now I’ve gots to eat my stuffing–bitch, that turkey’s for the birds
Gobble.
Passover, Bitch.
Easter is upon us, bitch, and as you might suspect
I ain’t out celebratin’ Jesus bein’ RESURRECT
While all you kids are mackin’ on your Peeps and chocolate eggs
I’ll eat some mandel bread at home and shavin’ my JEWISH LEGS
While you don your Lilly Pulitzer and patent leather shoes
I will celebrate a different day with my fellow Jews
It’s a very special holiday, can you tell me which?
Toss that bread out the window cuz IT’S PASSOVER, BITCH!
So for the next week you bet yo ass I am goin’ to be
One of them bitches who’s all, “UMMMM…Is this gluten-free?”
So gather all around, all my sisters and brothers,
And I’ll tell you why this night is so much DIFFERENT THAN THE OTHERS
We tell the tale of our escape from the Pharaoh and some haters
We still eat and still complain but we call these dinners SEDERS
Our people fled from Egypt thanks to locusts and some frogs
So that their greatgreatgreatgreat granddaughter could write some RAPPING BLOGS
And Pharoah had some boils and noone could diagnose it
Cuz the Jewish doctors LEFT and now we laugh and eat CHAROSET
They had to flee the land with just the matzo on their backs
Bitch, you know those were my ancestors, WE ALWAYS CARRY SNACKS
It was one long-ass journey, through the desert they were roamin’
And as we read about it someone hides the afikomen
And the kids all run to find it, hopin’ they will be the winner
Leave it to us Jews to MAKE SOME MONEY DURING DINNER
And the Jews escaped to freedom and were filled with such elation
So we celebrate with matzo and a week of constipation
And we laugh and eat and every year the brisket gets much chewier
So it kinda is like other nights, but better, and much Jewier
So no matter what you celebrate, please enjoy your day-ach
And if you see a Jew, you wish that bitch a CHAG SAMEACH.
word.
Jap Rap 