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Yo yo yo bitch welcome to my turf

It’s the greatest time of year

IN THE GREATEST PLACE ON EARF

Let’s all raise a glass, clap your hands, and shake a titty

IT’S NEW YEAR’S FUCKIN’ EVE right here in NEW YORK FUCKIN CITAAYYY

There’s a million things to do, ya’ll, the options here are varied

Shit gets fuckin’ CRAZY when you’re fuckin’ OLD AND MARRIED

I’ve got myself BIG plans, BITCH I TAKE A LOT OF PRIDE

NEW YEAR’S EVE BE OFF THE HIZZLE ON THE UPPER EAST SIDEE

I PARTY ALL NIGHT, bitch, and there ain’t no stopping

New Year’s Eve with me and you BET SOME BALLS BE DROPPIN’

I got me some confetti and a popper, BITCH I’LL YANK IT

And I picked my outfit you WHAT WHAT it’s a SLAKNET

(It’s kinda like a nicer snuggie, if you know what I mean

plus snuggies are SO over)

SLANKET 2014

You won’t believe the crazy shit that I’ve got in store

I be in my damn apartment with the deadbolt on the door

And I’ll order nasty tacos and some nachos, bitch, for grazing

You bet they goooonn be nasty, like, NASTY AMAZING

And we pair it with champagne, every year cuz we’re classy

And we get SO FUCKED UP

(by which I mean like, super gassy)

And we wake up in the morning, don’t be knowin’ what occured

But quickly we remember cuz we JEWISH AND HAVE GERD

But this year I be thinkin’ we’ll do wine and not champagne

We got this bottle on our honeymoon that gonna be INSANE

When we bought it we were told that it would take 5 years to peak

I’s like “I WANNA DRINK IT NOW”

YEAH BITCH, I’M A FREAK

The guy was all like, “Save it, girl, take my advice,

it’s for your five year anniversary” and I like, OH… “Ohh that’ll be so nice”

Well, I should note our anniversary was seven months ago

But this bottle’s fuckin’ huge, so we look at it like, WOAH

So we’ll drink it up on New Year’s so it wont do so much harm

and we’ll pass out from one glass so we be settin’ an alarm

to wake our asses up from our lil drunken stupor

And watch the big o’l ball with Kathy G and Andy Cooper

But I remember when we bought it i just stopped and thought like, WOW

i wonder where we’ll be five mother fuckin’ years from now

And if you told me then, i’d be happy to believe

We’d be here and eating tacos bitch on New Year’s fuckin’ eve

And when I look back on five years ago, on all the time that’s passed

I can’t help to think how time goes by so mother fuckin’ fast

And New Year’s is the perfect time to pour yourself a cup

And reflect a bit and think how things have really opened up

And toast to the year that past and then fuckin’ turn the page

if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s things get better with like, age

Be with the ones you love and maybe find thomeone to kith you

If you’re lucky you may find someone to share your tacos with you

And you can shake it off, all that shit that mighta shook us

It’s New Year’s fuckin’ Eve and you can New Year’s KISS MY TUCHAS

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