Jap Rap

Yo yo yo bitch, I’m sure that you’ve heard

That for Thanksgiving this year, you better get a KOSHER bird

Everybody knows this, even Jamie Foxx and Vivica

I’m sure by now you’ve heard it’s fuckin’ mother fuck THANKSGIVUKKAH

This shit makes me happier than you would ever know

Not only do I love these holidays, but I LOVE PORTMANTEAU

I love that big parade with that monkey made of sock

And Judah and his Maccabbes they make my PLYMOUTH ROCK

And I know I’ll get a question maybe from my little brother

He be all, “WHY this night be bein’ so much different than the other?”

And I’m all, Wait…WHAT? What’s this shit that I just heard?

UM HELLO?! IT’S EVERY HOLIDAY BUT PASSOVER, YOU NERD

But I’ve got a little secret, let’s just keep this me and you

It’s Thanksgivukkah, yeah, BUT IT’S MY PERIOD TOO

Now I wasn’t gonna tell y’all but I’m just so excited

There’s a party in my pants and bitch, ain’t NOBODY invited

Never thought too much about it cuz, like, it’s the wrong divinity

But these three things all happening—like, it’s my holy trinity

When I get PMSy and all achy ’round my muffin

I’d give you my left titty for some presents and some stuffin’

Spin the dreidel, eat some turkey and get all sufganiyoted

And greatest gift this Hanukkah’s that EVERYBODY’S bloated

We’ll eat some pumpkin pie and then we’ll go and light the candles

Then you bet I’ll wash it down with some sixteen fuckin’ handles

You bet I’ll eat some turkey and a drink that’s nice and brandied

You bet I’ll spin the dreidel and you BET MY YAMS BE CANDIED

I’m not sure what that means but when I wrote it it made sense…

I ADVISE YOU NOT TO MESS WITH ME WHEN I BE ON THE MENSE

AND I’ll warn y’all right now, I will get in quite a mood

If you all start futzin’ with the motherfuckin food

Just leave that shit alone, I don’t want some fuckin’ busted

Turkey that you thought’d be cute if it were latke crusted

“Make a challah stuffing,” um hello excuse me, who dat??

CHALLAH STUFFING IS AMAZING SO LIKE, BITCH WE ALWAYS DO DAT

No marshmallows on the latkas, do ya hear me girls and boys??

LET’S JUST KEEP THEM OFF OF EVERYHTING, THEM MALLOWS FOR THE GOYS

Goys can celebrate, take Elisabeth Hasserole

Take a little break from your fuckin’ greenbean casserole

And pour out for your homies just a little sweet potater

Make a latke for a Ginsberg BE IT MAD MEN OR RUTH BADER

And maybe make a toast and fill your glass with Manachewitz

Say baruch atah I’m thankful for Joseph Gordon-leavitz

Spin a dreidel with Trey Radel cuz you bet that will be funny

Leave it to us Jews to make our chocolate look like money

No matter who you are, take a moment to reflect a bit

On all of these occurrences and all of this trifecta shit

I don’t make up no words, bitch, I find that so bourgeois

THANKSGIVUUKERIOD: PORTMANTEAU MANAGE A TROIS

I’m real good at statistics, so forgive me if I’m nerdy

But the chance of this shit happening’s like SEVEN OUTTA THIRTY

It’s extremely rare, so forgive me if I’m lyrical

And if I’m burning for eight days, THAT shit ain’t a miracle

So let’s all raise a glass whether Jew or Goy or Pagan

Thanksgivukeriod for me and Judge Elena Kagen

Send me all your leftovers, you know I ain’t no waif

Unless of course it’s ham, ya know, this bitch don’t do no traif.

Word.