Category Archives: Politics
Jew Girl Rapper Raps Hanukkah!
Yo.
So just the other day, I walked into this little shop
To buy a little trinket for a SECRET SANTA SWAP
Jingle bells be jinglin’, and the atmosphere was festive
And just like all the sneezin’s, I BE SEASONS AND CONGESTIVE
I found my little gift, and I checked out with the cashier
Who was dressed up in a costume, so I thought I’d spread some cheer
“Happy Holidays!” I said to little Krissily the Elf
“Merry Christmas, you mean?”
“Nnnno. I mean go f #$k yourself” READ MO, YO!
#ALSIceBucketChallenge
Equality, Bitch.
So I’m riding on the subway with my fellow Jews & goys
And sitting right across I see these gorgeous little boys
They were riding on the 6 train with this chick who was their nanny
(No, not cuz they’re Hispanic and this chick is Pakistani)
I heard her tellin’ someone she’s a nanny and a bassist
I didn’t make assumptions, bitch, I AIN’T NO NANNY RACIST
They were playing nice and quietly with little cars and boats
And dressed up so adorably in MATCHING MONCLER COATS
They were munching on some healthy snacks, a little veggie crudo
They looked like tiny 4-year-old MEMBERS OF MENUDO
As I looked into their gorgeous eyes and perfect dimpled grins
I whispered, “Motherfucker. THOSE ARE RICKY MARTIN’S TWINS.”
Bitch, I’m well-versed in celeb kids (I once saw Bronx Mowgli Wentz)
And Ricky Martin’s on the East Side SO THE 6 TRAIN WOULD MAKE SENSE!
Of course I kept real quiet (didn’t wanna seem a dork)
Bitch, that’s just how you roll when YOU ARE FUCKIN’ FROM NEW YORK
(Well, I’m actually from Cleveland, but I’m sayin’ that’s how I WOULD in fact roll, if I was actually from New York) (bitch)
And speaking of New York, there is no place I’d rather be
Than where these two boys and their dads can be a fuckin’ family
I looked right at these happy kids, how nicely they were seated
And I thought about some news of late and got real fuckin’ heated
I promised long ago I wouldn’t make this blog political
But this shit isn’t politics–BITCH, I ain’t hypocritical
Keeping anyone from marrying just really gets me fumin’
I told ya, it ain’ politics, it’s simply fuckin’ HUMAN
Folks comparing beastiality to people who are gay!?!?
If anyone’s unfit to parent it’s the ones who think that way
Politicians cheering Chick-fil-a, all in the name of God?
And what if Track or Trig were gay?? Or (more likely)Todd?
The best thing we can give this world, so far and above
Is to let us all live equally and openly with love
I left train and smiled at Matteo and his brother (Valentino. duh.)
Who on earth would keep their dads from fuckin’ marrying each other?
Bitch, I fucking love my husband, our bond is crazy thick
I’d SO marry him again, even if he were a chick
Love is simply love, gay or straight, New York or Boca
And for two people in love to wed? That vida sure ain’t loca
I walked home and I thought about how much I find it bothering
How anyone could question love and question loving fathering
NPH and David Burtka, Ellen, Portia, Cam & Mitch?
If anyone keeps them from marrying, I’ll fuckin’ choke a bitch
I got home and went online for just a little decompression
And I wrote this lil’ rap for you in true PASSIVE AGGRESSION
And I Google Image searched a pic of Ricky and his tots
And I found one from that very day! I’M LIKE GONNA PLOTZ
He was walking through an airport, kids in hand and standing tall
And I zoomed in on the boys AND THEY WEREN’T WHO I SAW AT ALL
They were acting like his kids, one on each leg so tightly latching
BUT IT JUST CAN’T BE SO! THEIR JACKETS AREN’T EVEN MATCHING
They had no designer clothes and no Evita paraphernalia
And they weren’t on the 6 train–THEY WERE FUCKING IN AUSTRALIA
So my boys weren’t Ricky Martin’s kids, as far as I can tell
But I’m sure they have gay dads–they just were dressed too fucking well
No matter who their parents are, why not let them wed?
I logged onto my Facebook, seems we all be seeing red
Other people’s love is good, please don’t be a hater
Don’t be a Scalia, be a Kagan or RUTH BADER
Let’s keep our fingers crossed that we will see the end of DOMA
And see some FAB new registries at Williams and Sonoma
And let’s all teach our kids to love, they hear what we’re impartin’
Do it for the greater good (and for Ricky Martin)
Word.
My Birthday, Bitch.
Yo–I had a special day, y’all–don’t just sit there i-dl-y
Bitch, it ain’t no mystery, I made it nice and title-y
So don a little hat, have a lollipop or sucker
Cuz just the other day it was my BIRTHDAY MOTHER FUCKER
And as always on my birthday, while I softly celebrate it
I’ll tell you all a secret–well, I kinda fuckin’ hate it
This all dates back to when I was a tiny little Jew
The night was New Years Eve NINETEEN FUCKING NINETY-TWO
My parents had big plans to go out with their friends to dinner
And I was sure to make this New Years Eve a fuckin’ winner
My dad took me to Blockbuster and rented me The Witches
We picked up the babysitter IT’S A SLUMBER PARTY BITCHES
I cut up all my Tiger Beats, made three bowls of confetti
And defrosted some pierogies BITCH THEY’RE BETTER THAN SPAGHETTI
I then called up every single girl in my fuckin’ class
“I gots pierogies and The Witches –ANJIE HUSTON KICKS SOME ASS”
My parents overheard this and just rolled their eyes in shame
And prolly weren’t surprised at all when just one person came
But she was TOTES MY BFF, so I didn’t mind a bit
And she brought me sparkling cider MARTINELLI’S IS THE SHIT
She didn’t want to watch The Witches, but that was our only clash
(If she don’t like Ms. Huston’s work in that, I HOPE SHE DON’T WATCH SMASH)
We danced with hats necklaces that glowed up in the dark
Like a two-person Bar Mitzvah for our dear old love, DICK CLARK
We had more cider and more candy than quite possibly could feed us
A night like this I think gave Wilford Brimley diabeetus
As the clock ticked down to twelve we were screaming and a-hopping
(We hadn’t learned ’bout balls, or I’d have joked about them dropping)
We counted down to one and I sent confetti flying
As it fell I looked down at my friend, and she just started crying
“OMG What’s wrong??” I ran right up to her and asked
She said to me through teary eyes, “Time just goes by so fast”
In poor form, I popped a popper (it was begging me to pop it)
She cried, “The years go by so fast and really nobody can stop it”
I stopped through falling streamers and I let her words just chill me
“I gotsta dustbust this confetti or my mom is gonna kill me”
We cried through the whole night, gravely questioning our fate
(I should probably mention here that we were motherfuckin’ EIGHT)
We still joke about that night, our thoughts at eight were so severe
But I go right back to that place ’round my birthday every year
I get scared when I see birthday cake and even some gift wrappin’
And for some reason on my birthday week, awful things just happen
Throughout much of history, that week is hella shitty
It was the week of Columbine and Oklahoma City,
The San Francisco earthquake and the siege at Waco, Texas
One year that week I backed my car into my neighbor’s Lexus
The Titanic hit an iceberg, Jack and Rosie started sinkin’
‘Twas a bad week at the theatre for President Abe Lincoln
That week the BP oil rig exploded in the Gulf
Mrs. Hitler had a baby and she named him fuckin ‘dolf
The Revolutionary War began, shots at Virginia Tech
All occurred my birthday week, and it’s like WHAT THE HECK?
The only good part ’bout my day is it’s Tim Curry’s birthday too
Without whom there’s no Frank-N-Furter, Home Alone, or CLUE
I try to see the good in things, we Jews don’t do the devil
But this year brought my birthday week down to a whole new level
Last week our dear ol’ country needed somebody to spare her
From hatred and from politics, from tragedy and from terror
Each day seemed to get worse than I ever thought it could
But through all the loads of evil, we saw ten times that much good
The goodness that came trough in itself was redefining
We saw new depths of darkness, but the brightest silver lining
We help each other run again, and carry those who fall
To be reminded of such goodness was the greatest gift of all
(Well, on the subject of great gifts my husband did get me a banjo
So to him I give my thanks and very possibly a hand-jo)
Now I think back on that New Years and my tiny worried self
And I think it’s time I take those fears and place them on the shelf
If we let our anxieties cripple and confound us
We miss out on the beauty that is right there all around us
I’m not sure what next year will bring, but I can guarantee
That I’ll be smiling on my birthday, with a banjo on my knee
And I hope you too will celebrate the good amidst the fury
And don’t do it for me, of course, but do it for Tim Curry
word.
Equality, Bitch.
So I’m riding on the subway with my fellow Jews & goys
And sitting right across I see these gorgeous little boys
They were riding on the 6 train with this chick who was their nanny
(No, not cuz they’re Hispanic and this chick is Pakistani)
I heard her tellin’ someone she’s a nanny and a bassist
I didn’t make assumptions, bitch, I AIN’T NO NANNY RACIST
They were playing nice and quietly with little cars and boats
And dressed up so adorably in MATCHING MONCLER COATS
They were munching on some healthy snacks, a little veggie crudo
They looked like tiny 4-year-old MEMBERS OF MENUDO
As I looked into their gorgeous eyes and perfect dimpled grins
I whispered, “Motherfucker. THOSE ARE RICKY MARTIN’S TWINS.”
Bitch, I’m well-versed in celeb kids (I once saw Bronx Mowgli Wentz)
And Ricky Martin’s on the East Side SO THE 6 TRAIN WOULD MAKE SENSE!
Of course I kept real quiet (didn’t wanna seem a dork)
Bitch, that’s just how you roll when YOU ARE FUCKIN’ FROM NEW YORK
(Well, I’m actually from Cleveland, but I’m sayin’ that’s how I WOULD in fact roll, if I was actually from New York) (bitch)
And speaking of New York, there is no place I’d rather be
Than where these two boys and their dads can be a fuckin’ family
I looked right at these happy kids, how nicely they were seated
And I thought about some news of late and got real fuckin’ heated
I promised long ago I wouldn’t make this blog political
But this shit isn’t politics–BITCH, I ain’t hypocritical
Keeping anyone from marrying just really gets me fumin’
I told ya, it ain’ politics, it’s simply fuckin’ HUMAN
Folks comparing beastiality to people who are gay!?!?
If anyone’s unfit to parent it’s the ones who think that way
Politicians cheering Chick-fil-a, all in the name of God?
And what if Track or Trig were gay?? Or (more likely)Todd?
The best thing we can give this world, so far and above
Is to let us all live equally and openly with love
I left train and smiled at Matteo and his brother (Valentino. duh.)
Who on earth would keep their dads from fuckin’ marrying each other?
Bitch, I fucking love my husband, our bond is crazy thick
I’d SO marry him again, even if he were a chick
Love is simply love, gay or straight, New York or Boca
And for two people in love to wed? That vida sure ain’t loca
I walked home and I thought about how much I find it bothering
How anyone could question love and question loving fathering
NPH and David Burtka, Ellen, Portia, Cam & Mitch?
If anyone keeps them from marrying, I’ll fuckin’ choke a bitch
I got home and went online for just a little decompression
And I wrote this lil’ rap for you in true PASSIVE AGGRESSION
And I Google Image searched a pic of Ricky and his tots
And I found one from that very day! I’M LIKE GONNA PLOTZ
He was walking through an airport, kids in hand and standing tall
And I zoomed in on the boys AND THEY WEREN’T WHO I SAW AT ALL
They were acting like his kids, one on each leg so tightly latching
BUT IT JUST CAN’T BE SO! THEIR JACKETS AREN’T EVEN MATCHING
They had no designer clothes and no Evita paraphernalia
And they weren’t on the 6 train–THEY WERE FUCKING IN AUSTRALIA
So my boys weren’t Ricky Martin’s kids, as far as I can tell
But I’m sure they have gay dads–they just were dressed too fucking well
No matter who their parents are, why not let them wed?
I logged onto my Facebook, seems we all be seeing red
Other people’s love is good, please don’t be a hater
Don’t be a Scalia, be a Kagan or RUTH BADER
Let’s keep our fingers crossed that we will see the end of DOMA
And see some FAB new registries at Williams and Sonoma
And let’s all teach our kids to love, they hear what we’re impartin’
Do it for the greater good (and for Ricky Martin)
Word.
I Met Bill Clinton, Bitch.
Yo I write the little raps, y’all, and oftentimes I feel
I gots to trick you all and pull this fuckin’ big reveal
Like that time I made you think I was using toys for lovin’
When really I was rappin’ bout my BREVILLE TOASTER OVEN
Or just last rap I said I had this big thing to confess
And it was that I had flu, (but fo reals I was a mess)
I think some misdirection sometimes is a little nice
Bitch, I love me some red herring LIT-ER-ARY DEVICE
But today I’ll come right out, you don’t need no fuckin’ hintin’
I’ll just say it, OH EM GEE, you guys, I MET BILL FUCKIN’ CLINTON
I just had left the gym, didn’t shower, I just went
I’m all, “Who is gonna see me? Not my FAVORITE PRESIDENT!”
I rocked my Uggs and puffy coat, Lululemon up my crotch
There was funeral traffic, REST IN PEACE TO MAYOR KOCH
So I’m waiting for the bus, just three stops, but that’s just fine
I GOTSTA USE MY MONTHLY ON THE M79
The bus stops right outside this fancy vegan restaurant
But on this afternoon three Escalades were PARKED OUT FRAUUNT
I had eaten there before, I found it gimmicky and faddish
I ordered ravioli, bitch, they made it outta RADDISH
I don’t know about y’all, but when I order ravioli
I don’t like to go home starving and eat MIDNIGHT GUACAMOLE
But after he left office and left Hills to deal with Putin
Billy boy went vegan and he cut down on his GLUTEN
So I’m standing with this Asian woman and her little son
When a guy jumps out the Escalade and then another one
They walk up to the restaurant and open up the door
And then the thing happened THAT I TOLD YOU BOUT BEFORE
BILL CLINTON emerged, bitch, the whole damn world stopped turning
It coulda been my lack of shower, but my underparts were burning
He walked right out the door and the scene played in slow motion
There was just so much to say and I was filled with such emotion
This man was good for everyone, small business and big firms
Our country saw such surplus when Bill Clinton served his terms
He led us from a dark place to unheralded prosperity
He gives hope and with his intellect, he always sheds such clarity
He’s sensible and wise and he always sticks to facts
(He’s a vegan silver fox and he could play me like a sax)
I thought of all these things and I stayed calm with all my might
When before he reached his car, he turned slightly to the right
With security around to make sure no one had a bomb
He walked right to the bus stop, UP TO ME AND ASIAN MOM
I looked into his eyes, like a sea of baby blue
And I melted to a puddle of a little rapping Jew
He extended his hand, with the secret service flanking him
I didn’t know what I should do, so I thought I’d stick to spanking him thanking him
He shook my hand, said, “Nice to meet you,” so gentle and so kind
When all my English words quickly left my little mind
I couldn’t feel my face, I could hardly even hear
So I just smiled with my whole face, bitch, from ear to shining ear
He then shook Asian Mom’s hand and her son’s hand in the middle
And he nodded back at grinning me (I maybe peed a little)
And shaking hands with him, by proxy, probably would mean
That I shook hands with the President of 20damn16
He climbed into his car, and he went along his way
And I thought a lot about the words I never got to say
I just met the greatest leader that our lives may ever know
And THANK YOU, CROSSTOWN BUS, for always being so damn slow
And thank you, Mr. President, I never will forget you
And let’s lay off Lewinsky, folks, cuz Monica, I get you
word.
Potty Politics
Yo I’ve got a bone that I’ve gotsta pick with you
Sometimes I complain, you see, because I am a Jew
And when something annoys me, or stresses me out it
Occurs to me to write a fuckin’ Jewey rap about it
So I came to you today with a well-defined mission
To make things better in the bathroom when we’re agoing public pishin’
Now this shit is for serious, a really major gripe
When people tinkle on the seat and they don’t even care to WIPE
And that’s what I’ll discuss today, with you I’ll share my views
But what irks me even more is what I’m seein’ on the news
BUT I decided long ago I wouldn’t make this blog political
So I won’t rap about that, cuz this bitch ain’t hypocritical
So hereby I’ll return to the aforementioned matter
About all these people peein’ and not cleanin’ EXCESS SPLATTER
When you choose your public bathroom stall, before you’ve peed or shitted
Once you turn that little lock you’re fuckin’ FULL TOILET COMMITTED
Whatever splatter’s on the seat, no matter just how insurmountable
Is left for you to clean up or you will be held accountable
So let’s say you have this guy, cleanin’ up for those before him
Cuz any droplets left behind, he’s now RESPONSIBLE FOR ‘EM
So he’s gotta make a mitt with the whole damn roll of paper
And clean up for the toilet seat’s LEGITIMATE RAPER
And though the problem may be worse than he could ever ascertain
He grits his teeth, gets to work, and never thinks to complain
And he chose that stall even though he really had a hunch
That the guy who went before him had CHIPOTLE FOR LUNCH
Any thought of backing down? This dude would certainly nix it
There is a problem in this stall and he DEVOTES HIS LIFE TO FIX IT
And still you have these folks outside always so quickly criticizing
Before he even took that stall they were politicizing
And what really blows my mind is that they even have the gall
To overlook the things he’s gotten done while locked inside that stall
In his efforts to clean up he’s saved American cars
And given healthcare to the people who have PREEXISTING SARS
And let’s say he may not always be the very best DEBATA
But he fuckin’ decimated mothafuckin’ AL-QAEDA
He let soldiers serve us proudly, whether they be straight or gay
And doesn’t plan to make amendments that would TAKE FOLKS’ RIGHTS AWAY
Still the others really think that they can clean up all that wiz
They’ve got a five-point plan to do it, but WON’T TELL YOU WHAT IT IS
But they’ll sneer and point their fingers and just never will confess
That they’re proposing the same shit that got us INTO THIS MESS
They have this puppet speaking for them and he’s sounding like a clown
Saying there will be less mess if we go back and TRICKLE DOWN?
And still they want us to believe that they could better represent
All of our bathrooms (‘CEPT FORTY-SEVEN PERCENT)
And they’re flopping back and forth on every mothafuckin’ issue
While they guy in there is down to his last square of toilet tissue
Therefore in the world of bathrooms we now have this great divide
Of those who work to clean things up and those who blame and hide
I know neither side is perfect, but at least one guy is trying
Instead of simply pandering and frankly FLAT-OUT LYING
Now just to clarify that you’re in no need of correction
I’m talkin’ about BATHROOMS here, not of no damn election
We all need our public toilets so we have to do our parts
They’re there for our emergencies and ghost poops (those are farts)
And now’s the time to exercise that very basic right
And support the ones who you best think will help us to win this fight
Any effort set to block your voice I simply do abhor
Just as much as I hate a LACKLUSTER METAPHOR
So go pull up your pants and wipe your lil’ booty
And make sure your voice is heard because now that’s what I call DUTY
That’s what this land is all about, the core of our foundation
So wipe the fuckin’ seat and let’s clean up our uriNATION
word.
Jap Rap 