Tag Archives: Sex
Fix-Up/Mix-Up, Bitch!
Valentine’s Day, Bitch.
YO it’s fuckin’ February I ain’t Punxsutawney Phillin’
6 more weeks of winter, bitch, that groundhog he BE ILLIN’
(I be illin’ too, so you ain’t hearin’ my inflection
I got a–WHAT WHAT–RESPIRATORY INFECTION)
AND all this homophobia–it gets me all emoshi
So I cannot watch The Bachelor or STRAIGHT PEOPLE IN SOCHI
This ain’t no time for hatred, go and coz beneath your covers
Cuz it’s Februrary, bitch, and it’s for MOTHER FUCKIN’ LOVERS
It’s the time to get real lucky (like with peens or like, vagines)
Cuz it’s fuckin’ mother fuckin’ FRIGGIN FUCKIN’ VALENTINE’S READ MO, YO!
10
It’s summer and you think I’m gonna rap ’bout somethin’ lotional
Today’s a little different, y’all, forgive me if I’m ‘motional
Let’s take a little breather, slow it down and maybe park it
Put away your kale from your co-op hipster market
Let’s gather like it’s Pesach, all my sisters and my brothers
While I tell you why this night is so much DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHERS
So let’s all listen up, just relax or take a pill
And I’ll tell y’all the story cuz this shit ’bout to get RIL
Ten years ago today, in his junior year of college
Was a Jewey little pre-med who was fillin’ up with knowledge
(And frat parties and beer, but like, he was young and bonery
and KINDA maybe KINDA SORTA just a LITTLE stonery)
And while the other kids at Michigan sang “Hail to the VIC”
He was singin, “HAELLL, you guys, I feel kinda SICK”
He went and got some blood tests and was soon faced with the answer
And headed to the hospital with motherfucking cancer
When you go off to college, you might worry ’bout bulimia
And OBVIOUSLY herpes, but for real y’all, LEUKEMIA?
He did chemo, radiation, and the outcome still looked narrow
The kid needed a transplant of like, ALL of his bone marrow
He comes from this great family, they’re there for one another
And luckily he found a match in his little brother
(On a side note, join the donor list, PREACH THAT, Doctor Oz,
It’s tough to match minorities like blacks and ASHKENAZ)
In the midst of this he met a girl, which might sound real alarming
He may have been all bald and sick but WORKED it, and was charming
They chatted on IM (You remember that? I’m old…)
And she was super awesome, or like, that’s what I am told
They counted down his quarantine, the hurdles and the hoops
Their first kiss sent him to the hospital–can I get an OOPS?
So she asked him how long it would be till he’s out of the wood?
And he said 10 years post-transplant would be like, REALLY REALLY good
Ten years seemed like forever, so they just went on with life
They finished school, started careers, and then the girl became his wife
If you measure life in love LIKE RENT, then they had lots of wealth
And were thankful every day, for each other, and their health
And the boy became a cancer doc, yea, that deserves some clapping
The girl became an actress and she dabbles in Jew rapping
And though you can’t say ten whole years ever goes by fast
The day they waited for so long is finally here at last
I’m jappy rappy, never sappy, but these years have been a whirl
I’m so grateful for this guy, and I’m so lucky I’m his girl
If the cheesiness ain’t too much yet, well, now I’m ’bout to ruin it
Know where he’s at work today? The bone marrow transplant unit
He says fate can gently guide you, but sometimes it’s a firm push
And he’s one hell of a doctor, and has one hell of a tush
I try not to rap too personal, I usually berate it
But when life gives you a gift like this, you have to celebrate it
Life is full of ups and downs, it comes with hope and doubt
And there’s times when you should have your cake and blow your candles out
Happy 10 years, my sweet love, you took cancer and you beat it
Today’s the day you’ll have your cake and motherfuckin’ eat it
So let’s all celebrate today, even just a sliver
Cuz I have got a cake I’ve waited ten years to deliver
word.
Equality, Bitch.
So I’m riding on the subway with my fellow Jews & goys
And sitting right across I see these gorgeous little boys
They were riding on the 6 train with this chick who was their nanny
(No, not cuz they’re Hispanic and this chick is Pakistani)
I heard her tellin’ someone she’s a nanny and a bassist
I didn’t make assumptions, bitch, I AIN’T NO NANNY RACIST
They were playing nice and quietly with little cars and boats
And dressed up so adorably in MATCHING MONCLER COATS
They were munching on some healthy snacks, a little veggie crudo
They looked like tiny 4-year-old MEMBERS OF MENUDO
As I looked into their gorgeous eyes and perfect dimpled grins
I whispered, “Motherfucker. THOSE ARE RICKY MARTIN’S TWINS.”
Bitch, I’m well-versed in celeb kids (I once saw Bronx Mowgli Wentz)
And Ricky Martin’s on the East Side SO THE 6 TRAIN WOULD MAKE SENSE!
Of course I kept real quiet (didn’t wanna seem a dork)
Bitch, that’s just how you roll when YOU ARE FUCKIN’ FROM NEW YORK
(Well, I’m actually from Cleveland, but I’m sayin’ that’s how I WOULD in fact roll, if I was actually from New York) (bitch)
And speaking of New York, there is no place I’d rather be
Than where these two boys and their dads can be a fuckin’ family
I looked right at these happy kids, how nicely they were seated
And I thought about some news of late and got real fuckin’ heated
I promised long ago I wouldn’t make this blog political
But this shit isn’t politics–BITCH, I ain’t hypocritical
Keeping anyone from marrying just really gets me fumin’
I told ya, it ain’ politics, it’s simply fuckin’ HUMAN
Folks comparing beastiality to people who are gay!?!?
If anyone’s unfit to parent it’s the ones who think that way
Politicians cheering Chick-fil-a, all in the name of God?
And what if Track or Trig were gay?? Or (more likely)Todd?
The best thing we can give this world, so far and above
Is to let us all live equally and openly with love
I left train and smiled at Matteo and his brother (Valentino. duh.)
Who on earth would keep their dads from fuckin’ marrying each other?
Bitch, I fucking love my husband, our bond is crazy thick
I’d SO marry him again, even if he were a chick
Love is simply love, gay or straight, New York or Boca
And for two people in love to wed? That vida sure ain’t loca
I walked home and I thought about how much I find it bothering
How anyone could question love and question loving fathering
NPH and David Burtka, Ellen, Portia, Cam & Mitch?
If anyone keeps them from marrying, I’ll fuckin’ choke a bitch
I got home and went online for just a little decompression
And I wrote this lil’ rap for you in true PASSIVE AGGRESSION
And I Google Image searched a pic of Ricky and his tots
And I found one from that very day! I’M LIKE GONNA PLOTZ
He was walking through an airport, kids in hand and standing tall
And I zoomed in on the boys AND THEY WEREN’T WHO I SAW AT ALL
They were acting like his kids, one on each leg so tightly latching
BUT IT JUST CAN’T BE SO! THEIR JACKETS AREN’T EVEN MATCHING
They had no designer clothes and no Evita paraphernalia
And they weren’t on the 6 train–THEY WERE FUCKING IN AUSTRALIA
So my boys weren’t Ricky Martin’s kids, as far as I can tell
But I’m sure they have gay dads–they just were dressed too fucking well
No matter who their parents are, why not let them wed?
I logged onto my Facebook, seems we all be seeing red
Other people’s love is good, please don’t be a hater
Don’t be a Scalia, be a Kagan or RUTH BADER
Let’s keep our fingers crossed that we will see the end of DOMA
And see some FAB new registries at Williams and Sonoma
And let’s all teach our kids to love, they hear what we’re impartin’
Do it for the greater good (and for Ricky Martin)
Word.
Trust, Bitch.
Yo sometimes I leave town when I’m doin’ a show
And bitch, I miss my husband like, more than you know
Without me he’s so sad, he’s prob’ly home singin’ a ballad
And crying lonely tears into our FAVORITE TACO SALAD
And he’ll be sitting there confused and really feeling a loss
Cuz I’m the one who always orders extra SPICY YELLOW SAUCE
What if he’s so lonely he just takes up Dianetics?
I’m a worrier, bitch, THANK YOU JEWISH GENETICS
But I don’t worry ’bout him cheating, he’s too good to scratch that itch
And I hung posters ’round Manhattan warning I WILL CHOKE A BITCH
So all them ladies in New York know that they BETTA stay real far
Yeah, they know it like they know Dan Smith will TEACH THEM THE GUITAR
And though I’m doin’ MY thang, I just can’t seem to forget
All my worries that his needs aren’t bein’ mothafuckin’ MET
So the other day I’m worryin’ that he’s at home unstable
When my phone rings with an email from our friends at OPENTABLE
If you don’t use OpenTable, then yous GOTSTA be insane
Bitch, we NEED our reservations, we ain’t ANTHONY BOURDAIN
And the emails come to me, not because I am imperious
We’re just Jewish and we take our OpenTable points FOR SERIOUS
“Table for 2, Friday night,” a confirmation
With an email like that, one might resort to castration
(For me, it put an end to my past week of constipation)
And then my email rings AGAIN! Who’s it from? Bitch, are you curious?
Fandango.com! Two seats for FAST and FUCKIN’ FURIOUS
And fast and furious was I, all my trust flew out the door
My heart goes racing wildly, I’m gonna kill this whore
My hands shook as I dialed, cuz the news kinda impaled me
But it only rang through twice–OH NO HE DIN-UNT—HE VOICEMAILED ME!
So I sent that boy a text like, “MOTHERFUCKER–WHERE YOU ARE??”
Typing…Typing…he’s like, “DYLAN’S mothafuckin’ CANDY BAR!”
And my anger turned to sadness, this shit REALLY hurt my fillins
That’s our very special thing–PRE-MOVIE mothafuckin’ DYLAN’S
He knows the mix I like: gummies bottom, chocolate middle,
Topped with TONS of sour shit, and like, ONE Sour Skittle
He knows that once I dig in, I just giggle like I’m tickerish
When the perfect ‘mout of sour gets on that AUSTRALIAN LICORICE
And basically, he knows that when he makes that mix of candy
There’s 100% success rate that he’ll prolly get a handy
Just right then phone rang, it was him and I was seething
But I calmly said hello and I practiced LAMAZE BREATHING
(NO, Mom…no)
“Whatcha doin’ tonight?” He’s like, “A movie and a drinkler”
“OH YEAH??” “WITH WHOM? ” He’s says, “With FUCKIN’ Jason FUCKIN’ Finkler”*
(*not exactly a direct quote I don’t think)
(AND BITCH, you BETTA know your WHO from WHOM–sorry for the pause,
BUT YOU GOTSTA KNOW use WHOM when it’s the OBJECT OF A CLAUSE)
“JASON FINKLER??” I said, and I felt like such a sucker
“JASON FINKLER!” he says, “IT’S A MAN DATE, MOTHER FUCKER”*
(*again, not like 100% sure that was the exact quote)
“Fandango and Dylans?” I say, “Those are OUR routines!”
He’s like, “I changed the mix cuz Jason really likes his JELLY BEANS”
“Did you get two separate bags?” He’s all, “No–we’re gonna share”
“We’ll just put it on the armrest of the MOTHAFUCKIN’ chair”
“And OpenTable for a man date? Dudes just go to burger joints!”
He’s like, “Baby, I am serious ABOUT MY FUCKIN’ POINTS”*
(*actually this may have been a direct quote)
So I told him, “Go have fun with Jason Finkler on your date”
“And call me when it’s over, and Aar–don’t stay out too late”
I then put down my phone, so ashamed I freaked and fussed
When I know I married my best friend, whoM I can always trust
And really, was I worried that someone would date and kiss him?
Nah–truth is when I’m gone, I simply really fuckin’ miss him
And while I’m here it’s nice to know he’s taken care of by good friends
And Finkler, if you cared, perhaps some nookie when it ends
Jason, I’m just kidding you, you know I like to joke ya
(Cuz Finkler if you did, you saw the signs, I’D FUCKIN’ CHOKE YA)
And Fast and Furious? I’d NEVER, even if you paid me MILLINS
(Or I’d see it for a handy and two pounds from fuckin’ Dylan’s)
word.
(Names have been changed to protect the totally innocent Jordan fuckin’ Finkler)Marriage, Bitch.
With Delaware there’s now eleven states in our great nation
To have legalized gay marriage, bitch, that’s cause for celeBRATION
And when it comes to marriage, I am TOTES the expert source
I’ve been married five whole years, so like, DUH OF COURSE
Now that so many more of us can enter wedded bliss
I’m ’bout to give y’all some insight BETTA LISTEN UP TO THIS
Now, I really love my husband, bitch, I’ve said it many times
We’re committed to each other (COUGH COUGH LeAnn COUGH COUGH Rimes)
But marriage is complex and really nobody explores
All the things be happenin’ behind closed married doors
So before y’all get hitched and go become co-haBITable
There are many things ’bout which you should make sure you’re compatTITible
Today I’m here to tell you ’bout just one point of contention
That has lately caused some stress on our here marital convention
See there’s one thing that my husband likes a VERY certain way
Whereas I prefer it sloppily and sometimes twice a day
I initiate and get it done most of the time, however,
He would rather do it rigidly and frankly, HARDLY EVER
Now, Im not intent to scare you or cause feelings of foreboding
But before you wed, you GOTSTA talk about DISHWASHER LOADING
This is a sad sad problem, kids, so go and grab your tissues
And thank y’all for listenin’ to my WHITE GIRL JEWISH ISSUES
This has long been a problem in our real humble abode
Though I get away with my way, almost every fuckin’ load
The only time is sucks is when my guy catches a glimpse
He thinks he’s the big daddy of DISHWASHER LOADING PIMPS
And he kinda is an expert on the loading of it since
He’s never EVER lived without one (he’s a pretty pretty prince)
We’re equals in our marriage, so bitch, I don’t let him rule me
But when he sees my sloppy loading he can’t help but try to school me
His arrangement of the forks is always much better than mine
“You have to separate them so they’re CLEAN BETWEEN EACH TINE”
(That’s what the spikes on a fork are called. BITCH)
I put the glasses on the prongs and he’s all, “NO! They’re there to NESTLE”
“And tupperware goes on the top OR ELSE YOU’LL WARP THE VESSEL”
He tries to be real tender as he flips over the knives
“Honey, you don’t realize this is endangering our lives” (they’re butter knives)
“And only put as many glasses in as the tray can take,
Overcrowding and vibrations gonna cause that shit to BREAK”
“AND separate the plates, it’s REALLY BAD when they are stacking”
BITCH, you know what’s REALLY BAD? FUCKIN’hydroFRICKINGfracking
But I always get the job done when I do it my own way
He’s like the mean coach from The Mighty Ducks and BITCH, I’M COACH BOMBAY
And truth be told, the tips he has are really kinda great
But he hasn’t loaded up that shit since TWO THOUSAND AND EIGHT
And he’s so smart it blows my mind, he never stops to think
How those dishes all get clean when he just leaves them in the SINK
There are famous sloppy loaders, take Korean rapper Psy or
Perhaps Elena Kagan or SONIA SOTOMAYOR
Ok, I made that up, but you get what I mean
If a tree falls in a forest, THEN THAT SHIT’S STILL FUCKIN’ CLEAN
But when he redoes all my loading and tells me that’s horrible
I can’t help but to smile cuz his OCD’s adorable
And each time we end up laughing, every time a little louder
As he tells me why the tablets are much better than the powder
So even with this issue, this problem SO domestic
Being married to your best friend bitch, really is majestic
I’ll go put away the dishes now, no reason to protest
There’s only two glasses to put away (cuz bitch, I broke the rest)
word.
Jap Rap 