Category Archives: Love
Fix-Up/Mix-Up, Bitch!
#ALSIceBucketChallenge
Valentine’s Day, Bitch.
YO it’s fuckin’ February I ain’t Punxsutawney Phillin’
6 more weeks of winter, bitch, that groundhog he BE ILLIN’
(I be illin’ too, so you ain’t hearin’ my inflection
I got a–WHAT WHAT–RESPIRATORY INFECTION)
AND all this homophobia–it gets me all emoshi
So I cannot watch The Bachelor or STRAIGHT PEOPLE IN SOCHI
This ain’t no time for hatred, go and coz beneath your covers
Cuz it’s Februrary, bitch, and it’s for MOTHER FUCKIN’ LOVERS
It’s the time to get real lucky (like with peens or like, vagines)
Cuz it’s fuckin’ mother fuckin’ FRIGGIN FUCKIN’ VALENTINE’S READ MO, YO!
10
It’s summer and you think I’m gonna rap ’bout somethin’ lotional
Today’s a little different, y’all, forgive me if I’m ‘motional
Let’s take a little breather, slow it down and maybe park it
Put away your kale from your co-op hipster market
Let’s gather like it’s Pesach, all my sisters and my brothers
While I tell you why this night is so much DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHERS
So let’s all listen up, just relax or take a pill
And I’ll tell y’all the story cuz this shit ’bout to get RIL
Ten years ago today, in his junior year of college
Was a Jewey little pre-med who was fillin’ up with knowledge
(And frat parties and beer, but like, he was young and bonery
and KINDA maybe KINDA SORTA just a LITTLE stonery)
And while the other kids at Michigan sang “Hail to the VIC”
He was singin, “HAELLL, you guys, I feel kinda SICK”
He went and got some blood tests and was soon faced with the answer
And headed to the hospital with motherfucking cancer
When you go off to college, you might worry ’bout bulimia
And OBVIOUSLY herpes, but for real y’all, LEUKEMIA?
He did chemo, radiation, and the outcome still looked narrow
The kid needed a transplant of like, ALL of his bone marrow
He comes from this great family, they’re there for one another
And luckily he found a match in his little brother
(On a side note, join the donor list, PREACH THAT, Doctor Oz,
It’s tough to match minorities like blacks and ASHKENAZ)
In the midst of this he met a girl, which might sound real alarming
He may have been all bald and sick but WORKED it, and was charming
They chatted on IM (You remember that? I’m old…)
And she was super awesome, or like, that’s what I am told
They counted down his quarantine, the hurdles and the hoops
Their first kiss sent him to the hospital–can I get an OOPS?
So she asked him how long it would be till he’s out of the wood?
And he said 10 years post-transplant would be like, REALLY REALLY good
Ten years seemed like forever, so they just went on with life
They finished school, started careers, and then the girl became his wife
If you measure life in love LIKE RENT, then they had lots of wealth
And were thankful every day, for each other, and their health
And the boy became a cancer doc, yea, that deserves some clapping
The girl became an actress and she dabbles in Jew rapping
And though you can’t say ten whole years ever goes by fast
The day they waited for so long is finally here at last
I’m jappy rappy, never sappy, but these years have been a whirl
I’m so grateful for this guy, and I’m so lucky I’m his girl
If the cheesiness ain’t too much yet, well, now I’m ’bout to ruin it
Know where he’s at work today? The bone marrow transplant unit
He says fate can gently guide you, but sometimes it’s a firm push
And he’s one hell of a doctor, and has one hell of a tush
I try not to rap too personal, I usually berate it
But when life gives you a gift like this, you have to celebrate it
Life is full of ups and downs, it comes with hope and doubt
And there’s times when you should have your cake and blow your candles out
Happy 10 years, my sweet love, you took cancer and you beat it
Today’s the day you’ll have your cake and motherfuckin’ eat it
So let’s all celebrate today, even just a sliver
Cuz I have got a cake I’ve waited ten years to deliver
word.
Equality, Bitch.
So I’m riding on the subway with my fellow Jews & goys
And sitting right across I see these gorgeous little boys
They were riding on the 6 train with this chick who was their nanny
(No, not cuz they’re Hispanic and this chick is Pakistani)
I heard her tellin’ someone she’s a nanny and a bassist
I didn’t make assumptions, bitch, I AIN’T NO NANNY RACIST
They were playing nice and quietly with little cars and boats
And dressed up so adorably in MATCHING MONCLER COATS
They were munching on some healthy snacks, a little veggie crudo
They looked like tiny 4-year-old MEMBERS OF MENUDO
As I looked into their gorgeous eyes and perfect dimpled grins
I whispered, “Motherfucker. THOSE ARE RICKY MARTIN’S TWINS.”
Bitch, I’m well-versed in celeb kids (I once saw Bronx Mowgli Wentz)
And Ricky Martin’s on the East Side SO THE 6 TRAIN WOULD MAKE SENSE!
Of course I kept real quiet (didn’t wanna seem a dork)
Bitch, that’s just how you roll when YOU ARE FUCKIN’ FROM NEW YORK
(Well, I’m actually from Cleveland, but I’m sayin’ that’s how I WOULD in fact roll, if I was actually from New York) (bitch)
And speaking of New York, there is no place I’d rather be
Than where these two boys and their dads can be a fuckin’ family
I looked right at these happy kids, how nicely they were seated
And I thought about some news of late and got real fuckin’ heated
I promised long ago I wouldn’t make this blog political
But this shit isn’t politics–BITCH, I ain’t hypocritical
Keeping anyone from marrying just really gets me fumin’
I told ya, it ain’ politics, it’s simply fuckin’ HUMAN
Folks comparing beastiality to people who are gay!?!?
If anyone’s unfit to parent it’s the ones who think that way
Politicians cheering Chick-fil-a, all in the name of God?
And what if Track or Trig were gay?? Or (more likely)Todd?
The best thing we can give this world, so far and above
Is to let us all live equally and openly with love
I left train and smiled at Matteo and his brother (Valentino. duh.)
Who on earth would keep their dads from fuckin’ marrying each other?
Bitch, I fucking love my husband, our bond is crazy thick
I’d SO marry him again, even if he were a chick
Love is simply love, gay or straight, New York or Boca
And for two people in love to wed? That vida sure ain’t loca
I walked home and I thought about how much I find it bothering
How anyone could question love and question loving fathering
NPH and David Burtka, Ellen, Portia, Cam & Mitch?
If anyone keeps them from marrying, I’ll fuckin’ choke a bitch
I got home and went online for just a little decompression
And I wrote this lil’ rap for you in true PASSIVE AGGRESSION
And I Google Image searched a pic of Ricky and his tots
And I found one from that very day! I’M LIKE GONNA PLOTZ
He was walking through an airport, kids in hand and standing tall
And I zoomed in on the boys AND THEY WEREN’T WHO I SAW AT ALL
They were acting like his kids, one on each leg so tightly latching
BUT IT JUST CAN’T BE SO! THEIR JACKETS AREN’T EVEN MATCHING
They had no designer clothes and no Evita paraphernalia
And they weren’t on the 6 train–THEY WERE FUCKING IN AUSTRALIA
So my boys weren’t Ricky Martin’s kids, as far as I can tell
But I’m sure they have gay dads–they just were dressed too fucking well
No matter who their parents are, why not let them wed?
I logged onto my Facebook, seems we all be seeing red
Other people’s love is good, please don’t be a hater
Don’t be a Scalia, be a Kagan or RUTH BADER
Let’s keep our fingers crossed that we will see the end of DOMA
And see some FAB new registries at Williams and Sonoma
And let’s all teach our kids to love, they hear what we’re impartin’
Do it for the greater good (and for Ricky Martin)
Word.
Jap Rap 