Author Archives: japrap

Nudity, Bitch.

YO I gots a problem to tell you about

It occurs at the gym when I finish working out

Now when I’m at the gym, kids, I follow the laws

I  put my shit in a locker and wear MULTIPLE bras

I handle myself with poise and with grace

And don’t scatter Lululemon ALL OVA the place

So after I’m done, I gots to go to my locker

And each time I do, son,  I am in for a SHOCKER

The NAKEDEST OLD LADY that you ever saw

Stands right there at my locker, no underwear, no bra

She gets right up there close to me, I know this will be trouble

Bitch, when you are nude you need a BIGGER SPACIAL BUBBLE

I gesture at a towel, suggesting she should try it

But she’s all, “Oh no thank you, dear,” she’d rather just AIR DRY IT

I need to get away, so I go get myself some tissues

And I think to myself, I’ve got major naked issues

Yeah, nudity’s always been a problem for me

It dates back to overnight camp at the CLEVELAND JCC

Of course we were in bunks, everything was done tribunally

Even when we showered, bitch, we just showered all communally

When I came home at the end, my was like, “What reeks?”

Cuz I didn’t take my swimsuit off for SIX ENTIRE WEEKS

We had to shower all together, so I wore it for protection

Yes instead of bein naked, bitch, I risked a YEAST INFECTION

So fast forward to this locker room, she’s naked, right? You got that

And each and every time this crazy bitch just wants to chat

We talk about the spinning class, complain about the weather

We end up spending 10 or 15 minutes there together

My eyes just dart around cuz I’m tryin not to stare

At her wrinkly old bosoms, just floppin in the air

She’s older than Miss Daisy was, when Morgan Freeman drove her

And the worst of it occurs when this bitch turns and bends right over

To compensate I cover up myself in twenty towels

Cuz she’s still there all naked and I’m staring up her bowels

So it’s more than just the nudity, and how this bitch displays it

It’s just that she has a welcome and she NAKED OVERSTAYS IT

So I gather my belongings cuz I gots to be escaping

And I notice that by 70, folks stop their LADYSCAPING

I go to walk away and I hang my head in sorrow

So the nudity is over, well, at least until tomorrow

I zip my jacket all the way, putting on my hood

And I just can’t help but think that that bitch looked real fuckin good

So I guess I’ll just get over it, although it may be yucky

If I look like her at 70, I’ll be real fuckin lucky

I got back to my apartment and I made myself some food

And I wrote this little rap, and I did it in the nude

word.

1 Comment

Movie Date, Bitch.

I went on a date with my husband, yo

We wanted to stay in, but I told that fucker NO

We’re not staying home like a bunch of married suckers

There’s only one thing to do: MUPPET MOVIE MOTHA FUCKAS

So we set out on our date, and we’re lookin’ pretty posh

And we stop at Dylan’s Candy Bar cuz this bitch needs a NOSH

Five dollas for Twizzlers at the theatre is a curse

So I get my own shit and I STUFF IT IN MY PURSE

Dylan’s is real crowded–those sticky kids all verminy

But mama needs some CANDY CORN and gummy bears from Germany

I look over at my husband and I’m sure he’s getting randy

Watching me knock over kids to buy a pound of candy

We continue on our movie date, I can’t wait to begin it

My purse won’t even close because there’s SO MUCH CANDY IN IT

$12 for a ticket, bitch, that really is an oucher

But you can count on me to bring my LIVING SOCIAL VOUCHER

Going to the movies, bitch, can really make you broke

But $5 won’t keep me from a GIGANTIC DIET COKE

So we sit down to our movie date all ready to get jiggy

Cuz there ain’t nothing sexier than Kermie and Miss Piggy

This lady sitting next to me is talking on her phone

I wanna punch her face, but I just leave the bitch alone

If I wasn’t on this date I’d prob’ly poke her in the eye

When all of the sudden I hear a baby start to cry

I look to my left thinking someone must be joking

And I see a fucking baby, ok, now I’ll start eye pokin’

Now I really love babies, but this shit is uncanny

Either don’t come to the movies, or just get yoself a NANNY

Then I see a flash–I look up at the light fixtures,

But bitch, hold the phone, there’s a FELLA TAKIN PICTURES

He whispers “Smile! Say cheese!” and his daughter starts to squeal

And he starts flashin’ away–THIS SHIT CANNOT BE FO REAL

I grab my husband’s leg and I cough into my sleeve

PICTURES IN THE PICTURES, bitch, do you even BELIEVE?

Infants and flash photos, bitch now that should be illegal

‘Specially at films with Fozzie Bear and Jason Segel

Now, I’m a good moviegoer unlike all of these fools

I don’t add my own soundtrack, bitch, I all follow the rules

I was gonna say something, but I ain’t no complainer

I pitch in and throw my trash in the SPECIFIED CONTAINER

I walk out of the movie thinkin’ what a fuckin’ joke

(and I gots to stop and tinkle cuz of ALL THAT DIET COKE)

We start the long walk home and I gather up my pride

That’s what I get for seein’ movies on the UPPA EAST SOOIIDE

I’ll see the film again, and I’ll concentrate for real

(but now I gotsta wait for a LIVING SOClAL DEAL)

And for our next date, to avoid this same result

We’ll maybe see something that’s a little more adult

Perhaps we’ll see a porno, my husband’d prolly love it

I guess that would be funny–I’ll take a picture of it

word.

6 Comments

Learn the Trade, Bitch.

Yo New York City is that kind of a town

With lots of places to go when you feel like gettin’ down

They’ve got lounges and bars and clubs with bottle service

But slutty girls and sparklers make me ITCHY and NERVOUS

The drinks there are expensive and the bathrooms always dirty

I prefer somewhere clean and much more Hawaiian shirty

So when I wanna hang with my bitches and hoes

I grab my canvas bags and I head to TRADER JOE’S

I walk in the door and I get the party started

There’s no bouncer, but a GREETER and he gets me SHOPPING CARTED

I get on my way and I tell my husband SEE YAS

Cuz mama’s gotta get some fuckin’ whole wheat tortillas

The guy stocking yogurt is kinda a putz

I’ll come back and get it later and I’ll stock up on some NUTS

Then this little Jew girl really thinks she’s seein’ Jesus

When I get to the wall of AFFORDABLE CHEESES

Then the snack food aisle makes all the bitches horny

I get peanut butter pretzels and all CRAZY KETTLE CORNEY

There’s shampoo for your hair, for your feet they’ve got pumice

But the real shiznit is that HORSERADISH HUMMUS

Yogurt! There you are! I will come and I will get you!

Don’t you DARE think for a second that I’d ever forget you

I get all the new items cuz I love me some change

Then get a dozen eggs WHAT WHAT FREE RANGE

The fun doesn’t stop even when I’m in line

A pound of dark chocolate for A DOLLAR NINETY-NINE

And so I wait my turn and I’m admiring my load

And they ring their little bells

TRADER JOE’S MORSE CODE

We get up to the front and I jump and celebrate

And they wave the little flag and tell me LINE 28

We go to check out, the guy scans my chicken patty

And my husband rolls his eyes cuz this dude’s OVERLY CHATTY

He talks about each item and it kinda takes forever

But I don’t mind a bit, thank you, TRADER JOE’S TREVOR

The bill is so cheap and my husband is stoked

Bitch, I need a cigarette and I ain’t NEVA even smoked

So we got enough food to fill an auditorium

Bitch I’m never goin’ back to fuckin’ Food Emporium

word.

1 Comment

Hanukkah, Bitch.

While Santa hits the skies to deliver gifts with Blitzen

My people are in Boca, complaining that they’re schvitzin’

And they’re slappin on some lotion, cuz their eczema, it itches

Yes, even though it’s Christmas, it’s still HANUKKAH, BITCHES!

So set aside your presents, step away from them trees

And celebrate for Judah and the fuckin’ Maccabees

Because without them Maccabees, we would all be pagan

And there would be no Hanukkah for Judge ELENA KAGAN

All because these Jewish boys defeated Greeks and Syrians

So their children could be doctors up at New York Presbyterian

They had one night of oil, they were running out of luck,

But it burned for eight whole nights and Judah’s all like, “HOLY FUCK”

So while you get that egg nog, and youre fillin’ up your cup

I’ll grab my menorah and I’ll LIGHT THAT FUCKER UP

And then I’ll spin a dreidel and I’ll win some gelt, it’s funny–

Leave it to us Jews to make our chocolate look like money

So don’t give me no fruitcake, I assure you I will toss it

Just give this bitch a latke and I’ll fuckin’ APPLESAUCE IT

Go open up your presents, I hope they are insane

I’ll be at the movies and then eating some lo mein

I wish a Happy Hanukkah to all you girls and boys

And of course a Merry Christmas goes out to all you goys

word.

4 Comments

Eggs, Bitch.

Yo very few things can make your lady feel finer

Than an all-inclusive breakfast at your favorite local diner

You’ll know you’re gettin lucky when you see her start to smile

When she reads, “Two Eggs” what what “ANY STYLE”

But before you even think of gettin into her legs,

You can learn a lot about a bitch from how she takes her eggs

If she wants them over hard, then she’s gonna be a bore

On the flip side, over easy means you’ve got yourself a whore

Scrambled chicks are crazy, I suggest you run and hide up

And she’s got daddy issues if she wants them sunny-side up

If your lady orders egg whites, for an extra buck or twoish

Then that bitch has high cholesterol, well that or she’s just Jewish

But the hottest girls of all, they don’t want Tiffany or Coach,

What really turns them on is when a MAN KNOWS HOW TO POACH

And what could make a Jew boy feel more sexually alive

Than to cook the eggs at home and save himself 4.95?

So as an early gift for Chanukah, to help you get your freak on

Here’s the step-by-step to get your egg poachin’ technique on

First thing you gots to do is put some water in a pot

Heat it just below a simmer, YOU DON’T WANT IT BOILIN’ HOT

I add a touch of vinegar, that’s up to some debates

But I really fuckin’ love it cuz that SHIT COAGULATES

You gently stir the water with a spatula or spoon

You make a lil’ whirlpool and your bitch will start to swoon

Then simply pour the egg into the center of the well

I crack that shit beforehand, I don’t want no bits of SHELL

3-4 minutes is the time that you should budget

Let it cook real nice until you’re just able to nudge it

Then you carefully remove it with a spoon that’s nice and slotted

(Girls get really horny when their arteries are clotted)

Drain it on a paper towel and then go ahead and serve it

And then go and get your nookie–you poached it, you deserve it

So next time you feel freaky, no need to flirt or beg

Just grab your favorite lady and then poach that bitch an egg

Word.

(poaching method adapted from Smitten Kitchen)

3 Comments

Bitch Eatin’ Fish on the Bus

By now you know that I really can’t deal

When I get on the train and a bitch pulls out a meal

You’re just askin’ for your food to get gross and germy

When you eat in on a train that’s all MUCOUSY AND SPERMY

Since I rapped about it last I thought this problem would reverse

But on the contrary, bitch, it just GOT MUCH WORSE

Perhaps I wasn’t clear, and you didn’t realize

That when you’re on the bus my same philosophy applies

So I’m sittin’ on the bus about to send my mom a text

And you never will believe what HAPPENED TO ME NEXT

This crazy-ass bitch, yo I can’t even explain ‘er

Stepped on to the bus with a styrofoam container

She sat right next to me and my eyes opened wide

Cuz I knew I  wasn’t gonna like WHATEVER WAS INSIDE

She reached into a sack that I thought contained some pencils

But much to my dismay, she pulled out PLASTIC-ASS UTENSILS

And then the situation went from orange to red alert

When she took out a napkin and she TUCKED IT IN HER SHIRT

She opened up the box and in my pants I made a pish

YES, right there on the bus this bitch was eatin’ a FISH

Like The Sandlot kid dreamt of the Great Bambino

I was livin a nightmare, with a BUS BRANZINO

The bus quickly filled with its stanky aroma

A lady in the back fell into a coma

A smell like that just worsens and lingers

And she’s all smackin’ her lips and like, lickin’ her fingers

A guy in the front held his face with a rag

While the rest of the bus just started to gag

Babies were cryin’, ladies makin’ a fuss

That’s the shit we’s gots to deal with on the CROSSTOWN BUS

This bitch just kept on eatin’, like she didn’t even think

That this bus smelled worse than one in the STINK

I couldn’t even breathe, there was nowhere to hide

Somehow I had to get to the UPPA WEST SIIIIEED

I needed to get out so I pressed the exit taping

I gots to get a way from this FISH NOSE RAPING

So I got off the bus, and I regained my power

And I walked across town, and it took me an hour

Now, I know that you may think that I should quit my bitchin’

This is New York City, we ain’t got no eat-in kitchen

But eating on the bus, folks, is simply abhorous

Especially something that’s so smelly and porous

The MTA is dirty, the seats will give you crabs

So leave the food at home. I should start to take more cabs.

word.

4 Comments

Gobble Gobble, Bitch

Yo yo gobble gobble and break out that stuffin’

Cuz it’s time for Thanksgiving and BITCH, I ain’t bluffin’

So bake them pumpkin pies and go deep fry your geese

(Do we really need to wonder why America’s obese?)

So go to the store, cuz you’ll need a pair of  Spanx

And think of all the reasons that you have for sayin THANKS

As I sit down this year to my Thanksgiving turkey

I am thankful for the homeless guy who says my tits are perky

I give thanks to firefighters, they’re so big and brave and burly

I am thankful for my husband, he’s so Jewey AND SO CURLY

I am thankful for my mother, she’s so perfectly insane

I am thankful for the laughter brought to me by HERMAN CAIN

And I’m thankful for the memory of Governor Rick Perry

I am thankful for New York and and that my friends can finally marry

I am thankful for cheap manicures within a minute’s walk

And that they don’t speak no English so that I don’t have to talk

I give thanks to Lactaid milk for not giving me the runs

I give thanks to Roma Torre and to WEATHER on the ONES

I give thanks to kick-ass actors who stick it out as waiters

I am thankful that my neighbor never holds the elevators

(because I’m a feminist?…asshole)

I am thankful for Real Housewives, I love those crazy hoes

I give thanks to spicy hummus THAT I BUY FROM TRADER JOE’S

I am thankful when the Mexicans sing on my subway ride

I am thankful for huge salads with the dressing ON THE SIDE

I give thanks to gynocologists for givin me my paps

 I give thanks to every one of you who reads my silly raps

So go enjoy your families, don’t bicker, fight, or mock

And if you are not thankful you can suck a Plymouth cock.

gobble.

1 Comment

Love, Bitch.

Yo, flowers and chocolates and really good food

Are just some of the things that put folks in the mood

Some look at porn whenever they’re able

Or watch Robin Byrd (cuz it’s on basic cable)

Some get turned on when they meet girls at bars

Or buy blow up dolls, like that real girl with Lars

Now I love my husband, he knows I adore him

Cuz I know exactly the thing that does it for him

And if you’re good, I’ll tell you my tip

Nothing turns a man on like a GOOD COSTCO TRIP

At only 5’7 he feels like the Hulk

When my man is able to buy his shit in bulk

Shampoo, paper towels, 3 flip cam recorders

My apartment looks like it’s a scene out of HOARDERS

We’ve got 35 yogurts with fruit on the bottom

100 super tampons? OH BITCH, you BET I got ’em

Got a liter of Gold Bond for when your balls itch

Don’t cut me for samples, cuz like, I will choke a bitch

My guy’s got a swagger unmatched by Don Draper

With 84 rolls of 3-ply toilet paper

(that’s like 252 1-ply rolls, BITCH)

So whenever my man is feelin’ real beddish

I gladly give in to his WILD Costco fetish

Please heed my advice, I find it applies

Especially well to like, ALL JEWISH GUYS

So forget the champagne and the horse-drawn carriage

And head up to Costco,

Hells yeah, bitch, that’s marriage.

word.

1 Comment

It’s the Marathon, Bitch.

Yo yo yo it’s the marathon, bitch, coming up First Ave

Have YOU ever run a marathon? You know it, bitch, I have

OMG I’m kidding, OH GUUURL, you must be crazy

I prefer my Sundays with a big-ass side of lazy

On Sundays I eat tons of brunch, retire to my bedding

And catch up with my DVR and Kim’s Fairytale Wedding

I thought I would go out to eat, and then I though, forget it

That’s why we have delivery, I don’t GOTSTA walk and get it

Now of course I’ll watch the runners, cheer them on as they are trotting

But let’s be real, I really go for some good celeb spotting

Last year the Today Show ran, Meredith and Al Roker

And Katie Holmes looked like she was ’bout to have a stroker

Apolo Anton Ohno will join this year’s running crew

Andy Baldwin from The Bachelor’s runnin’ 26.2

Richard Blais will run today with cute Ethan from Survivor

Christy Turlington will try, but they may have to revive her

AC Slater trained real hard, his abs could not look finer

He will run the race today with the Chilean miner

So if you are a runner, I’ll cheer you on like I’m supposedta

I’ll be watching with my coffee mug (it’s really a mimosa)

word.

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Halloween, Bitch.

Yo yo yo it’s that time of year

When a little eight-year-old dressed as Golda Meir

Comes and knocks on my door and I fill her sack with suckers

Yo trick-or-treat, Bitch, it’s HALLOWEEN MOTHAFUCKAS

Halloween’s fun for the young and old

But as a kid in Ohio, it was mothafuckin’ cold

And as a damper on things for me and my brother

We had to wear our jackets, THANKS A LOT JEWISH MOTHER

This shit pissed me off cuz I couldn’t even gloat

‘Bout the kick-ass costume that was covered by my coat

And I’d look at my mom in pure disbelief

And I’d say “Fine bitch, I’ll wear that jacket UNDERNEAF”

While other girls dressed as sluts, and the boys as the deceased

I was happy to be warm and dressed UP AS THE OBESED

And at least all my neighbors were able to tell

I was the best fat Sally fuckin’ JESSE RAPHAEL

Now for the kids in NYC, these problems simply don’t exist

They just go through their halls to the apartments on their list

And they don’t need their coats and they look so much leaner

I give them candy and smile.

They can suck my Halloweener.

word.

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