Equality, Bitch.

So I’m riding on the subway with my fellow Jews & goys

And sitting right across I see these gorgeous little boys

They were riding on the 6 train with this chick who was their nanny

(No, not cuz they’re Hispanic and this chick is Pakistani)

I heard her tellin’ someone she’s a nanny and a bassist

I didn’t make assumptions, bitch, I AIN’T NO NANNY RACIST

They were playing nice and quietly with little cars and boats

And dressed up so adorably in MATCHING MONCLER COATS

They were munching on some healthy snacks, a little veggie crudo

They looked like tiny 4-year-old MEMBERS OF MENUDO

As I looked into their gorgeous eyes and perfect dimpled grins

I whispered, “Motherfucker.  THOSE ARE RICKY MARTIN’S TWINS.”

Bitch, I’m well-versed in celeb kids (I once saw Bronx Mowgli Wentz)

And Ricky Martin’s on the East Side SO THE 6 TRAIN WOULD MAKE SENSE!

Of course I kept real quiet (didn’t wanna seem a dork)

Bitch, that’s just how you roll when YOU ARE FUCKIN’ FROM NEW YORK

(Well, I’m actually from Cleveland, but I’m sayin’ that’s how I WOULD in fact roll, if I was actually from New York) (bitch)

And speaking of New York, there is no place I’d rather be

Than where these two boys and their dads can be a fuckin’ family

I looked right at these happy kids, how nicely they were seated

And I thought about some news of late and got real fuckin’ heated

I promised long ago I wouldn’t make this blog political

But this shit isn’t politics–BITCH, I ain’t hypocritical

Keeping anyone from marrying just really gets me fumin’

I told ya, it ain’ politics, it’s simply fuckin’ HUMAN

Folks comparing beastiality to people who are gay!?!?

If anyone’s unfit to parent it’s the ones who think that way

Politicians cheering Chick-fil-a, all in the name of God?

And what if Track or Trig were gay?? Or (more likely)Todd?

The best thing we can give this world, so far and above

Is to let us all live equally and openly with love

I left train and smiled at Matteo and his brother (Valentino. duh.)

Who on earth would keep their dads from fuckin’ marrying each other?

Bitch, I fucking love my husband, our bond is crazy thick

I’d SO marry him again, even if he were a chick

Love is simply love, gay or straight, New York or Boca

And for two people in love to wed? That vida sure ain’t loca

I walked home and I thought about how much I find it bothering

How anyone could question love and question loving fathering

NPH and David Burtka, Ellen, Portia, Cam & Mitch?

If anyone keeps them from marrying, I’ll fuckin’ choke a bitch

I got home and went online for just a little decompression

And I wrote this lil’ rap for you in true PASSIVE AGGRESSION

And I Google Image searched a pic of Ricky and his tots

And I found one from that very day!  I’M LIKE GONNA PLOTZ

He was walking through an airport, kids in hand and standing tall

And I zoomed in on the boys  AND THEY WEREN’T WHO I SAW AT ALL

They were acting like his kids, one on each leg so tightly latching

BUT IT JUST CAN’T BE SO! THEIR JACKETS AREN’T EVEN MATCHING

They had no designer clothes and no Evita paraphernalia

And they weren’t on the 6 train–THEY WERE FUCKING IN AUSTRALIA

So my boys weren’t Ricky Martin’s kids, as far as I can tell

But I’m sure they have gay dads–they just were dressed too fucking well

No matter who their parents are, why not let them wed?

I logged onto my Facebook, seems we all be seeing red

Other people’s love is good, please don’t be a hater

Don’t be a Scalia, be a Kagan or RUTH BADER

Let’s keep our fingers crossed that we will see the end of DOMA

And see some FAB new registries at Williams and Sonoma

And let’s all teach our kids to love, they hear what we’re impartin’

Do it for the greater good (and for Ricky Martin)

Word.japequality

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Allergies, Bitch.

Yo you’re sneezy and itchy, and I’ll tell you the reason

It’s that time of year, bitch, IT’S ALLERGY SEASON

Now, I’m kinda an expert, cuz of course I get them too

Bitch, allergies are part of what it means to be a JEW

So I feel like it’s my duty just to lay out some terms

‘Bout how yous gots to be responsible with your fuckin’ GERMS

I can’t tell you how often I be yellin’ BITCH PLEASE

When y’all don’t cover up when you motha fuckin’ SNEEZE

You should be prepared, it shouldn’t come as a surprise

Lee Goldberg’s AccuWeather forecast says when pollen levels RISE

Ever since the Civil War, both the Rebels and the Yankees

Took a break from slaves and killing to catch sneezes in their HANKIES

And you bet drinking and schtuppin’ dont’ be stoppin Don Draper

From catchin’ his damn sexy snot in a piece of TISSUE PAPER

We’ve got new guidelines now, bitch you know what I mean

This ain’t the nineteen hundreds, this two thousand and THIRTEEN

So if you don’t have a kleenex, bitch, don’t act all naive

Simply sneeze in your elbow–yeah girl–your UPPER SLEEVE

Gone are the days of sneezin’ in your hand

That’s how cholera spread throughout many a land

Yes, your nasty-ass cough could wipe out the whole nation

Either that or put a damper on my POST-PASSOVER VACATION

You bet the girl on the plane wasn’t havin’ much fun

When a dude coughed and gave her herpes simplex TYPE ONE

And I heard about a chick who sneezed and touched the subway bars

Then the whole fuckin N train got mother fuckin’ SARS

And another time a mom snotted on her kid’s strolla

And all them kids in playgroup ended up gettin’ EBOLA

You betta believe it, all these stories are true

And the way we stop the germs, bitch, it begins with YOU

So sneeze in your sleeve, and then wash your hands real well

And then marry a doctor simply for the FREE PURELL

And now you know when you feel your nose itch

Take care of your germs, or else I will choke a bitch

Word.

Equality, Bitch.

So I’m riding on the subway with my fellow Jews & goys

And sitting right across I see these gorgeous little boys

They were riding on the 6 train with this chick who was their nanny

(No, not cuz they’re Hispanic and this chick is Pakistani)

I heard her tellin’ someone she’s a nanny and a bassist

I didn’t make assumptions, bitch, I AIN’T NO NANNY RACIST

They were playing nice and quietly with little cars and boats

And dressed up so adorably in MATCHING MONCLER COATS

They were munching on some healthy snacks, a little veggie crudo

They looked like tiny 4-year-old MEMBERS OF MENUDO

As I looked into their gorgeous eyes and perfect dimpled grins

I whispered, “Motherfucker.  THOSE ARE RICKY MARTIN’S TWINS.”

Bitch, I’m well-versed in celeb kids (I once saw Bronx Mowgli Wentz)

And Ricky Martin’s on the East Side SO THE 6 TRAIN WOULD MAKE SENSE!

Of course I kept real quiet (didn’t wanna seem a dork)

Bitch, that’s just how you roll when YOU ARE FUCKIN’ FROM NEW YORK

(Well, I’m actually from Cleveland, but I’m sayin’ that’s how I WOULD in fact roll, if I was actually from New York) (bitch)

And speaking of New York, there is no place I’d rather be

Than where these two boys and their dads can be a fuckin’ family

I looked right at these happy kids, how nicely they were seated

And I thought about some news of late and got real fuckin’ heated

I promised long ago I wouldn’t make this blog political

But this shit isn’t politics–BITCH, I ain’t hypocritical

Keeping anyone from marrying just really gets me fumin’

I told ya, it ain’ politics, it’s simply fuckin’ HUMAN

Folks comparing beastiality to people who are gay!?!?

If anyone’s unfit to parent it’s the ones who think that way

Politicians cheering Chick-fil-a, all in the name of God?

And what if Track or Trig were gay?? Or (more likely)Todd?

The best thing we can give this world, so far and above

Is to let us all live equally and openly with love

I left train and smiled at Matteo and his brother (Valentino. duh.)

Who on earth would keep their dads from fuckin’ marrying each other?

Bitch, I fucking love my husband, our bond is crazy thick

I’d SO marry him again, even if he were a chick

Love is simply love, gay or straight, New York or Boca

And for two people in love to wed? That vida sure ain’t loca

I walked home and I thought about how much I find it bothering

How anyone could question love and question loving fathering

NPH and David Burtka, Ellen, Portia, Cam & Mitch?

If anyone keeps them from marrying, I’ll fuckin’ choke a bitch

I got home and went online for just a little decompression

And I wrote this lil’ rap for you in true PASSIVE AGGRESSION

And I Google Image searched a pic of Ricky and his tots

And I found one from that very day!  I’M LIKE GONNA PLOTZ

He was walking through an airport, kids in hand and standing tall

And I zoomed in on the boys  AND THEY WEREN’T WHO I SAW AT ALL

They were acting like his kids, one on each leg so tightly latching

BUT IT JUST CAN’T BE SO! THEIR JACKETS AREN’T EVEN MATCHING

They had no designer clothes and no Evita paraphernalia

And they weren’t on the 6 train–THEY WERE FUCKING IN AUSTRALIA

So my boys weren’t Ricky Martin’s kids, as far as I can tell

But I’m sure they have gay dads–they just were dressed too fucking well

No matter who their parents are, why not let them wed?

I logged onto my Facebook, seems we all be seeing red

Other people’s love is good, please don’t be a hater

Don’t be a Scalia, be a Kagan or RUTH BADER

Let’s keep our fingers crossed that we will see the end of DOMA

And see some FAB new registries at Williams and Sonoma

And let’s all teach our kids to love, they hear what we’re impartin’

Do it for the greater good (and for Ricky Martin)

Word.japequality

Allergies, Bitch.

Yo you’re sneezy and itchy, and I’ll tell you all the reason

It’s that time of year, bitch, that’s right, IT’S ALLERGY SEASON

Now, I’m kinda an expert, cuz of course I get them too

Bitch, allergies are part of what it means to be a JEW

So I feel like it’s my duty just to lay you out some terms

‘Bout how yous gots to be responsible with your fuckin’ GERMS

I can’t tell you how often I be yellin’ BITCH PLEASE

When y’all don’t cover up when you motha fuckin’ SNEEZE

You should be prepared, it shouldn’t come as a surprise

Lee Goldberg’s AccuWeather forecast says when pollen levels RISE

Ever since the Civil War, both the Rebels and the Yankees

Took a break from slaves and killing to catch sneezes in their HANKIES

You bet drinking and schtuppin’ dont’ be stoppin Don Draper

From catchin’ his damn sexy snot in some TISSUE PAPER

We’ve got new guidelines now, bitch, you know what I mean

This ain’t the nineteen hundreds, this two thousand and THIRTEEN

So if you don’t have a kleenex, bitch, don’t act all naive

Simply sneeze in your elbow–yeah girl– in your UPPER SLEEVE

Gone are the days of sneezin’ in your fuckin’ hand

That’s how cholera spread throughout MANY A LAND

Yes, your nasty-ass cough could wipe out the whole nation

Either that or put a damper on my POST-PASSOVER VACATION

You bet the girl on the plane wasn’t havin’ much fun

When a dude coughed and gave her herpes simplex TYPE ONE

And I heard about a chick who sneezed and touched the subway bars

Then the whole fuckin N train got mother fuckin’ SARS

And another time a mom snotted on her kid’s strolla

And all them kids in playgroup ended up gettin’ EBOLA

You betta believe it, all these stories are true

And the way we stop the germs, bitch, it begins with YOU

So sneeze in your sleeve, and then wash your hands real well

And then marry a doctor, simply for the FREE PURELL

And now you know when you feel your nose itch

Take care of your germs, or else I will choke a bitch

word.

Bitch Eatin’ Fish on the Bus

By now you know that I really can’t deal

When I get on the train and a bitch pulls out a meal

You’re just askin’ for your food to get gross and germy

When you eat in on a train that’s all MUCOUSY AND SPERMY

Since I rapped about it last I thought this problem would reverse

But on the contrary, bitch, it just GOT MUCH WORSE

Perhaps I wasn’t clear, and you didn’t realize

That when you’re on the bus my same philosophy applies

So I’m sittin’ on the bus about to send my mom a text

And you never will believe what HAPPENED TO ME NEXT

This crazy-ass bitch, yo I can’t even explain ‘er

Stepped on to the bus with a styrofoam container

She sat right next to me and my eyes opened wide

Cuz I knew I  wasn’t gonna like WHATEVER WAS INSIDE

She reached into a sack that I thought contained some pencils

But much to my dismay, she pulled out PLASTIC-ASS UTENSILS

And then the situation went from orange to red alert

When she took out a napkin and she TUCKED IT IN HER SHIRT

She opened up the box and in my pants I made a pish

YES, right there on the bus this bitch was eatin’ a FISH

Like The Sandlot kid dreamt of the Great Bambino

I was livin a nightmare, with a BUS BRANZINO

The bus quickly filled with its stanky aroma

A lady in the back fell into a coma

A smell like that just worsens and lingers

And she’s all smackin’ her lips and like, lickin’ her fingers

A guy in the front held his face with a rag

While the rest of the bus just started to gag

Babies were cryin’, ladies makin’ a fuss

That’s the shit we’s gots to deal with on the CROSSTOWN BUS

This bitch just kept on eatin’, like she didn’t even think

That this bus smelled worse than one in the STINK

I couldn’t even breathe, there was nowhere to hide

Somehow I had to get to the UPPA WEST SIIIIEED

I needed to get out so I pressed the exit taping

I gots to get a way from this FISH NOSE RAPING

So I got off the bus, and I regained my power

And I walked across town, and it took me an hour

Now, I know that you may think that I should quit my bitchin’

This is New York City, we ain’t got no eat-in kitchen

But eating on the bus, folks, is simply abhorous

Especially something that’s so smelly and porous

The MTA is dirty, the seats will give you crabs

So leave the food at home. I should start to take more cabs.

word.

Bitch Eatin’ Yogurt on the Train

Bitch eatin’ yogurt on the train

WHAT UP BITCH, are you insane?

I kept my mouth shut cuz I don’t like bein’ rude

But the MTA is not the place to EAT YO OPEN FOOD

Now I love eatin’ yogurt, bitch, please don’t get me wrong

In the comfort of my home, in the comfort of my thong

I like Dannon and Yoplait and Fage to boot

Activia tastes good but it REALLY MAKES ME TOOT

Those ones with cookie crumbs? HEAALLLS yeah bitch, I got ’em

I gots all those mother fuckers with the FRUIT on the BOTTOM

But when you’re on the subway, bitch you bet you betta toss it

This ain’t no LIRR on its way to Syosset

People here are crazy, drunk and on narcotics

And you’re just chillin’ there with your PRO-BI-OTICS

People coughin’ and sneezin’, they probably have SARS

Bitch, that’s just how we roll on the NQRs

Now I’m glad that you like yogurt, it aids in digestion

But when you ride the train, bitch, it’s just out of the question.

word.