Tag Archives: Cooking

Thanksgiving, Bitch.

Yo I gots a secret I gotta reveal

I never told nobody this, I don’t know how they gonna feel

Let me first make clear, I don’t want any misgivings

I MOTHAFUCKIN’ LOVE ME MOTHAFUCKIN’ THANKSGIVINGS (yeah, ALL of them)

I love that dang parade with that monkey made of sock

And I’ve got a thing for pilgrims, bitch, they MAKE MY PLYMOUTH ROCK

But the one thing that might leave you just  LITTLE BIT murky

BITCH I fuckin’ HATE fuckinmothafuckin’ TURKEY

Not not to get all Freudian, a rapper never should

But I think my turkey loathing dates back to my childhood

See my Jewish mother loved me quite a mothafuckin’ bunch

And to ensure I got my protein packed me turkey for lunch

At first I didn’t mind, I’d just unpack my lunch and chew it

But as Jewish mothers often do, mine tends to overdo it

The turkey grew and grew to make sure that I was fed

All the sudden that dang sandwich was as big as my damn head

I was just a little girl, did she really think I’d eat a

Fuckin’ half a pound of turkey stuffed into a MINI PITA?

Kids would watch me eat it every day for years and years

And I’d be all covered in turkey smell and mustard (and some tears)

I tried to tell my mother that the turkey was for rookies

Why couldn’t she be cool and pack me SNACKWELL FUCKIN’ COOKIES?

But I’d lug around that turkey really looking like a fool

And that’s the reason why I wasn’t popular in school (and this, and maybe this)

So when I sit down at Thanksgiving I say, “Mmmm this turkey’s GREAT!”

But little do they know I ain’t got NONE upon my plate

All throughout the years I’ve gotten really good at bluffing

So that nobody would know I eat ENTIRE PLATES OF STUFFING

I see that bowl of stuffing and my lil eyeball twinkles

It’s my second favorite food group, next, of course, to RAINBOW SPRINKLES

My favorite kind of stuffing? Now, that’s up to some debate

But I love so many kinds, so bitch, I DON’T DISCRIMINATE

I once had a cornbread kind thanks to that Al Roker fella

And I tasted chestnut stuffing, LOVE FREE SAMPLES, CITARELLA

But my favorite’s challah stuffing, bitch, that always is a hit

I’m telling you I’d take a bath ALL UP IN THAT SHIT

My mom-in-law’s is so good, may require 5-star Yelping

NO I DO NOT MIND IF I TAKE  A SEVENTH ANOTHER HELPING

My guy and I, we love to eat, but today our tastes get clashy

He loves his Thanksgiving food real mothafuckin’ trashy

The whole rest of the year he loves the Michelin man

But he won’t eat cranberries that aren’t shaped just like the can

And he loves to fill his plate with that nasty greenish slop

He loves that green bean casserole FRENCH’S ONIONS ON THE TOP

But man, I’m thankful for him, and for my dad and brother

And I’m really fuckin’ thankful for my turkey lovin’ mother

Who always really cared ’bout the nutrition that I got

If you measured love in turkey, then she sure loves me a lot

So go and eat your dishes, I hope you do adore ’em

And eat them with your loved ones and tell them you’re thankful for ’em

And thanks to all of you who read my silly little words

Now I’ve gots to eat my stuffing–bitch, that turkey’s for the birds

 Gobble.

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Harvest, Bitch.

There’s a chill in the air and it’s feelin’ pretty nice

And when you go into a Starbucks yous be gettin’ pumpkin spice

So break out that padded vest, put away them seersuckers

It’s my favorite time of year, IT’S THE HARVEST MOTHAFUCKAS

Time to go jump in the leaves and time to follow me on twitter

Time to pick some apples and then eat a frickin’ fritter

And boys, it’s time you find a bitch to take under your covers

Cuz I’m telling you, you heard it here, THE HARVEST IS FOR LOVERS

And to get yourself a lady you need tips, well boys, I got ’em

If you follow my instructions you will get some tail this autumn

The secret to make sure that you will get some harvest lovin’

It be right under your nose, right in your MOTHAFUCKIN’ OVEN

You don’t need no sexy music, you don’t need no water bed

All you need to know is how to make a PUMPKIN BREAD

Now if baking freaks you out and you normally eschew it

Don’t worry, mothafucka, I’MMA TEACH YOU HOW TO DO IT

First you take a cup a sugar, cream it with a stick of butter

Give your bitch a little wink and then her heart will go aflutter

Add a teaspoon of vanilla and two eggs and stir it well

(Maybe crack the eggs beforehand YOU DON’T WANT NO BITS OF SHELL)

In a different bowl add flour, like a whole cup and a half

(And verify your bitch is clean of STDs or STAPH)

Add a half teaspoon of salt and one teaspoon baking soda

And to get her in the mood just turn on Kathy Lee and Hoda

Mix all that shit together and then soon she’ll know what’s up

When to that you add some pumpkin ONE ENTIRE FUCKIN’ CUP

Now for my big secret that’ll really make her scream

To that you add a half a cup of fuckin’ SOUR CREAM

SOUR CREAM? You may ask? BITCH YOU CRAZY, MAKE NO SENSE!

But you betta believe–it makes that loaf so MOIST AND DENSE

Sour cream and pumpkin is a combo that’s climactic

It’s creamy and it’s tangy from the acid that’s all LACTIC

Now she’ll really want you but you gots to tell her “IN A MIN”

Cuz you gots to add a teaspoon of some fuckin’ cinnamon

And you make you lady wait, even though by now she’s beggin’

You need a half a teaspoon–you be gettin NUTEGGIN

And one last thing to make sure you be gettin in her hips

Stir in some fuckin’ semi-sweet CHOCOLATE FUCKIN CHIPS

Pour it in a loaf pan that you’ve parchmented or greased

Bake at 350 for an hour, brotha, YOURE A FUCKIN’ BEAST

Then go and get your freak on and a pumpkiny aroma

Will wake you up like Folgers from your fall post-coital coma

And I promise you there’s no way that that chick was even faking

Though I cannot guarantee she didn’t use you for your your baking

And if you think baking’s girly work, best for a maid or elf

I’ve got a BINDER FULL OF WOMEN telling you to fuck yourself

So go and get your bake on, don’t you think of hesitating

(This works especially well if she is fat or menstruating)

And when all is said and done you can go cuddle up beside her

And instead of cigarettes cool off with pumpkin bread and cider

word.

(recipe adapted from http://www.food.com/recipe/sour-cream-pumpkin-bread-157475)

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Hot Toys, Bitch.

Yo, every now and then my husband works the night shift

It gets lonely up in here, a girl could use a little lift

So what do ladies do when they’re left without their boys?

Bitches this is when you gotsta go and get yourself some TOYS

And my favorite toy of all is one handsome little devil

He is sleek and stainless steel and I call him my Breville

Yes, when I am all alone and I need a little lovin’

I ain’t gotta look much further than my fuckin’ TOASTER OVEN

Ladies, when you are in need of a little affection

Why not give yourself the added perk of cooking with CONVECTION?

I guess my Foreman will do when I need a grilling fix

I use my KitchenAid when I am just too lazy to mix

That immersion wand’s the shit when I’m whipping heavy cream

And I stay hydrated now, thanks to my SODA STREAM

But as I look my appliances and all of their utilities

The toaster oven always wins with its ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES

It does ANYTHING I WANT when I plug it in the socket

Bitch, if I swung that way it would make me a HOT POCKET

When you defrost things in the microwave, they’re chewy–IT’S UPSETTING

The toaster oven makes things perfectly–THANK YOU FROZEN SETTING

When food is gross and soggy, bitch, I really do abhor it

I’m so happy with my Breville- GLAD I REGISTERED FOR IT!

You can cook a small roast in there if you really wanna

That’s where I made my kugel–when?–ON FUCKIN’ ROSH HASHANAH!

And for all those sleepless nights when you’re sad and all alone

There’s a special pizza setting and a CUSTOM PIZZA STONE

If you have a chicken breast and a little olive oil

Just set it and forget it, LET THE BREVILLE DO THE BROIL

Keep your leftovers, it reheats them for you later

You can make a tiny brisket for a TINY PESACH SEDER

It has infinite potential just for you to uncork

Just ask Sonja Morgan–from Real Housewives of NEW YORK

It makes me tons of food and it stops when I say when

Yeah, I like my toaster ovens, bitch,  just like I like my men (Jewish)

So of course I miss my husband, cuz I do love him the most

I’ll think about him later, cuz now mama needs some TOAST

word.

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Eggs, Bitch.

Yo very few things can make your lady feel finer

Than an all-inclusive breakfast at your favorite local diner

You’ll know you’re gettin lucky when you see her start to smile

When she reads, “Two Eggs” what what “ANY STYLE”

But before you even think of gettin into her legs,

You can learn a lot about a bitch from how she takes her eggs

If she wants them over hard, then she’s gonna be a bore

On the flip side, over easy means you’ve got yourself a whore

Scrambled chicks are crazy, I suggest you run and hide up

And she’s got daddy issues if she wants them sunny-side up

If your lady orders egg whites, for an extra buck or twoish

Then that bitch has high cholesterol, well that or she’s just Jewish

But the hottest girls of all, they don’t want Tiffany or Coach,

What really turns them on is when a MAN KNOWS HOW TO POACH

And what could make a Jew boy feel more sexually alive

Than to cook the eggs at home and save himself 4.95?

So as an early gift for Chanukah, to help you get your freak on

Here’s the step-by-step to get your egg poachin’ technique on

First thing you gots to do is put some water in a pot

Heat it just below a simmer, YOU DON’T WANT IT BOILIN’ HOT

I add a touch of vinegar, that’s up to some debates

But I really fuckin’ love it cuz that SHIT COAGULATES

You gently stir the water with a spatula or spoon

You make a lil’ whirlpool and your bitch will start to swoon

Then simply pour the egg into the center of the well

I crack that shit beforehand, I don’t want no bits of SHELL

3-4 minutes is the time that you should budget

Let it cook real nice until you’re just able to nudge it

Then you carefully remove it with a spoon that’s nice and slotted

(Girls get really horny when their arteries are clotted)

Drain it on a paper towel and then go ahead and serve it

And then go and get your nookie–you poached it, you deserve it

So next time you feel freaky, no need to flirt or beg

Just grab your favorite lady and then poach that bitch an egg

Word.

(poaching method adapted from Smitten Kitchen)

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