Yoga, Bitch.

Yo, we bitches need ways to relax when we are STRESSED

Like I watch The Bachelor and eat popchips while undressed

Some of you may bite your nails or give a stress ball squeezes

Some may pray the stress away, Hail Maryin’ to Jesus

Some feel better when they run or walk or bike or jog

Some of us are passive and rap stress out in a BLOG

If I was still in college I’d get drunk and wear a toga

But since I’m all adult and shit, I thought I’d TRY SOME YOGA

Now, I am not real flexible, this I’ve always known

The doctor told my mom, “This bitch is ACCIDENT-PRONE!”

I trip on every sidewalk crack, fall in every hole

Just the other day I fuckin’ ran into a POLE

My best friend loves that Bikram shit, she sweats right through her bras

There’s a time for sweat and twisting, bitch–it’s called MENOPAUSE

She kept tellin’ me that yoga would free all this stress I got

So I put my Lululemon on and GAVE THAT SHIT a SHOT

So I walk into the studio, I set up on the floor

“Your first time?” the teacher says

How’d she know that?!?


The teacher dims the lights and we’re all ready to go

And I’m kinda gettin’ into it!  THANKS VINYASA FLOW!

I’m feelin’ pretty good!  And I’m posin’ like a child

And out of the blue, my stomach goes a little wild

‘Twas a quiet, peaceful moment, like that whole class was on mute

And before I knew what happened, I let out a big ol’ TOOT

I tried to play it off and quickly balanced on a block

But I looked around the room and these bitches were in SHOCK

I thought that yoga peeps were nice, with warm, forgiving hearts

But I guess that all just goes to shit the minute someone FARTS

I start to go in panic mode, my mind and thoughts are racing

And Im feelin’ like a dog that is fuckin’ DOWNWARD FACING

So I take a big deep yoga breath, and try to feel all Zen

And I get in chaturanga and I FUCKING FART AGAIN!

The girls all shoot me evil looks, they can’t believe my gaffe

There’s really nothing I could do, except of course, to laugh

So I try to hold my laughter in, but I kinda just cannot

So I do this mix of giggles, snorting, and a little SNOT

The bitch behind me shoots a look like, “How’d you find your way here?”

And I look up at the clock because I just can’t nama-stay here

Luckily the time was up, the class let out an OM

And I gather up my shit and I start to head hommmeee

I leave the yoga studio, laughing all the way

When I realize through my laughter that my stress had gone away

And I’m lookin’ on the bright side, maybe yoga’s kinda nice

I’m smiling and relaxed, and I ONLY FARTED TWICE

So I give my friend props, I guess yoga’s kinda neato

But next time that I go, I’ll skip the pre-yoga burrito


Nudity, Bitch.

YO I gots a problem to tell you about

It occurs at the gym when I finish working out

Now when I’m at the gym, kids, I follow the laws

I  put my shit in a locker and wear MULTIPLE bras

I handle myself with poise and with grace

And don’t scatter Lululemon ALL OVA the place

So after I’m done, I gots to go to my locker

And each time I do, son,  I am in for a SHOCKER

The NAKEDEST OLD LADY that you ever saw

Stands right there at my locker, no underwear, no bra

She gets right up there close to me, I know this will be trouble

Bitch, when you are nude you need a BIGGER SPACIAL BUBBLE

I gesture at a towel, suggesting she should try it

But she’s all, “Oh no thank you, dear,” she’d rather just AIR DRY IT

I need to get away, so I go get myself some tissues

And I think to myself, I’ve got major naked issues

Yeah, nudity’s always been a problem for me

It dates back to overnight camp at the CLEVELAND JCC

Of course we were in bunks, everything was done tribunally

Even when we showered, bitch, we just showered all communally

When I came home at the end, my was like, “What reeks?”

Cuz I didn’t take my swimsuit off for SIX ENTIRE WEEKS

We had to shower all together, so I wore it for protection

Yes instead of bein naked, bitch, I risked a YEAST INFECTION

So fast forward to this locker room, she’s naked, right? You got that

And each and every time this crazy bitch just wants to chat

We talk about the spinning class, complain about the weather

We end up spending 10 or 15 minutes there together

My eyes just dart around cuz I’m tryin not to stare

At her wrinkly old bosoms, just floppin in the air

She’s older than Miss Daisy was, when Morgan Freeman drove her

And the worst of it occurs when this bitch turns and bends right over

To compensate I cover up myself in twenty towels

Cuz she’s still there all naked and I’m staring up her bowels

So it’s more than just the nudity, and how this bitch displays it

It’s just that she has a welcome and she NAKED OVERSTAYS IT

So I gather my belongings cuz I gots to be escaping

And I notice that by 70, folks stop their LADYSCAPING

I go to walk away and I hang my head in sorrow

So the nudity is over, well, at least until tomorrow

I zip my jacket all the way, putting on my hood

And I just can’t help but think that that bitch looked real fuckin good

So I guess I’ll just get over it, although it may be yucky

If I look like her at 70, I’ll be real fuckin lucky

I got back to my apartment and I made myself some food

And I wrote this little rap, and I did it in the nude


Bitch in Spinning Class

Yo I gots to tell you what I just saw

This bitch in my spinning class not wearin’ a bra

Now, that bitch is crazy, I didn’t wanna meet her

All bouncin’ around in her WHITE WIFE BEATER

Her chest wasn’t flat, NO, it was QUITE feminine

But bitch you betta go and do some Lululemonin’

Cuz I see enough when we’re dow at the lockers

And in class I don’t gots to be starin’ at your knockers

When I’m on a climb I don’t need to see your titties

This ain’t Ithaca, bitch, this is NEW YORK CITY

So go and buy a bra and but those bosoms on a shelf

If I wanna see some tits, I got a fine-ass pair myself