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Gobble Gobble, Bitch

Yo yo gobble gobble and break out that stuffin’

Cuz it’s time for Thanksgiving and BITCH, I ain’t bluffin’

So bake them pumpkin pies and go deep fry your geese

(Do we really need to wonder why America’s obese?)

So go to the store, cuz you’ll need a pair of  Spanx

And think of all the reasons that you have for sayin THANKS

As I sit down this year to my Thanksgiving turkey

I am thankful for the homeless guy who says my tits are perky

I give thanks to firefighters, they’re so big and brave and burly

I am thankful for my husband, he’s so Jewey AND SO CURLY

I am thankful for my mother, she’s so perfectly insane

I am thankful for the laughter brought to me by HERMAN CAIN

And I’m thankful for the memory of Governor Rick Perry

I am thankful for New York and and that my friends can finally marry

I am thankful for cheap manicures within a minute’s walk

And that they don’t speak no English so that I don’t have to talk

I give thanks to Lactaid milk for not giving me the runs

I give thanks to Roma Torre and to WEATHER on the ONES

I give thanks to kick-ass actors who stick it out as waiters

I am thankful that my neighbor never holds the elevators

(because I’m a feminist?…asshole)

I am thankful for Real Housewives, I love those crazy hoes

I give thanks to spicy hummus THAT I BUY FROM TRADER JOE’S

I am thankful when the Mexicans sing on my subway ride

I am thankful for huge salads with the dressing ON THE SIDE

I give thanks for Andy Cooper with his sexy baby blues

And that the Mayflower brought his people instead of mine, the Jews

(Cuz, like, can you imagine how much food there would be then?? oy.)

I give thanks to gynocologists for givin me my paps

 I give thanks to every one of you who reads my silly raps

So go enjoy your families, don’t bicker, fight, or mock

And if you are not thankful you can suck a Plymouth cock.

gobble.

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