Tag Archives: Ohio
High School, Bitch.
I know you’ll be real shocked, based on just how cool I am
That in high school being popular, wasn’t quite my jam
I never smoked cigarettes, I was scared of emphysema
I didn’t drink till college when I passed out from one ZIMA
I wore Doc Martens and huge glasses cuz I couldn’t see real far
The Stephen Schwartz pic in my locker didn’t make me populer–lar
If two popular kids were talkin’ bout a wild party
I’d ask, “Lippa or LaChiusa?” and they’d think I was retardy
I didn’t re’lize to be cool it would really help to flaunt your
Assets other than your Jewish hair and your orthodonture
So I knew my only chance to be even slightly cool
Would come my sophomore of high school on our CHOIR TRIP FOOL
The only glimmer of hope throughout my dark awkward phase
Was in our choir trip to Disney WHAT UP MAGIC MUSIC DAYS
I wasn’t good at being slutty, I could never go commando
But I knew that I could make some friends when we were in Orlando
There I’d finally be free from the cruel high school brutality
And score some friends at Disney with my WINNING PERSONALITY
We’d be free to be ourselves, I thought, without drugs or booze
And I’d make friends in choir with my fellow ALTO TWOS
On our first day in Orlando, we thought we would embark
On a choir, band, and orchestra trip to a water park
A water park in Disney? My public school just wouldn’t hear it
So our rickety old bus drove to a water park NEAR IT
There were only two slides, because this place was fuckin’ janky
The water was cold and a LITTLE BIT STANKY
I thought this could be my chance to show them I was fun and clever
And we’d be BFFFFs (BEST FUCKIN’ FRIENDS FOR FUCKIN’ EVER)
So all the other kids rushed to the family raft ride
No one dared go near The Bomb, a frightening vertical slide
Then I thought to myself, I was done with high school slavery
Maybe I could win some friends with some chutzpah (Jewish bravery)
This was so outside my comfort zone, that water was contagious
But I decided it was time for me to do something courageous
So I boldly broke away and walked straight toward The Bomb
They all saw me and saluted like I was on my way to Nam
The entire group was watching me, standing at attention
As I grasped the rusty railing and I started my ascension
My heart was pounding quickly at the top of the ladder
I could feel it in my chest, and a little in my bladder
Every eye was on me, just to see me do my duty
They started chanting my name! Like I was mother fuckin’ RUDY
I lay down and crossed my arms and I laid back my head
And I said the HaMotzi, BITCH, THE JEWISH PRAYER FOR BREAD
And then I was on my way, it was rather histrionic
My life flashed before my eyes and I received my first colonic
And I finally got down to the pool at the bottom
I envisioned my new friends and the crazy way I got ’em
I proudly stood up, overcome with such emotion
And the rest of the world started moving in slow motion
It was like a lucid dream, or whatever that thing’s called
Where there’s 80’s music and I’m MOLLY FUCKIN’ RINGWALD
I threw my arms up in the air, I was filled with such elation
I turned to the crowd to receive my celebration
High school would be better now, with friends, and boys and kissing
But I stood there in the water and knew there was something missing
A heavy silence filled the air, you could have heard a pin drop
Soon I realized what was missing, bitch, MY MOTHAFUCKIN TOP
It was floating in the wading pool, right there in the middle
I sank down under water and I maybe peed a little
No thread of popularity ever did transpire
And now all of my bikinis, I make sure, have underwire
They missed out on a great kid, so they’re all a buncha suckers
And they sure missed out cuz now my tits are huge, mothafuckas
word.
Pizza, Bitch.
Yo I moved to New York from the good ol’ Midwest
Why did I move? Cuz it’s the MOTHA FUCKIN’ BEST
Sure Ohio’s less expensive, more charming, and much greener
New York has more pollution and is Jewier and meaner
I’ll always love Ohio, Cleveland’s really fuckin’ great
But I gotsta say my mind is in an EMPIRE STATE
Bitch, I loves what Jay-Z and Alicia be dishin’
Even with their quite improper USE OF A PREPOSITION
I defend it to my family like, “People here aren’t rude!”
And plus, if nothing else, I love New York for the food
Cuz frankly I don’t need you to be all cute and nice
When I go into a pizza joint to feed my face a slice
But just the other night I had a pizza run go bad
I won’t mention where I was cuz STANTON PIZZA WOULD BE MAD
127 Stanton is the more precise address
We stopped in because my husband has male-onset PMS
So once a month I feed him all the food I have on hand
And I give him the remote to watch THE NOTEBOOK ON DEMAND
I know him so well that by the way he was behaving
I would gladly give in to his late-night pizza craving
So we walk into the joint and I can’t believe my eyes
So many fuckin’ beautiful fuckin’ PIZZA PIES
The pepperoni look delicious, they’re all juicy and big
But I’m all good and Jewey so I DO NOT EAT THE PIG
At the the time it seemed too girly to just get a slice of veggie
I was tired and sweaty with a HUGE SPANX WEDGIE
My husband decides that he thinks he’s gonna getta
Slice of the fresh lookin’ one THAT IS THEIR BRUSCHETTA
So the dude cuts a slice for my very handsome fella
And I think I’m leaning toward the one with fresh mozzarella
But he cuts my guys bruschetta and that shit looks good as hell
So I’m like, “Actually, I’m gonna please have one of those as well”
And the dude shoots me this sneer that’s sayin’, “Really? are you shitting me?”
And I laugh cuz he’s just playin’, right? He’s gotta be kidding me
So I’m all like, “Whoops, sorry!” still thinking that he’s toying
He barks, “CUTTING SEPARATE SLICES IS JUST REALLY DAMN ANNOYING”
He was yellin’ pretty sternly which was givin’ me the shakes
Which resulted in my pouring all of the RED PEPPER FLAKES
So we ate our pizza quietly and left right at the end
We headed down the street and then we bumped into a friend
We all were early for a party right there on Stanton Street
She’s like, “You guys know somewhere close where I can grab a bite to eat?”
I tell her ’bout the pizza place and say the guy was vicious
But the more I talk about it, man, THAT PIZZA WAS DELICIOUS
So the three of us walk in and the guy’s about to plotz
This time I’d play it safe and simply order GARLIC KNOTS
Garlic knots are friendly! I love eatin’ ’em and smellin’ ’em
And then he yells at me again, “I HATE MAKIN’ ‘EM AND SELLIN’ ‘EM”
I have no clue what’s going on, I am really at a loss
And he mockingly turns to me as asks, “You want some sauce?”
BITCH, OF COURSE I WANT SAUCE! So I mutter, “Yes please”
But I wasn’t gonna push and ask for PARMESAN CHEESE
The next customer comes in that this dude’s about to serve
He says, “I hate it when people ask for sauce, WHAT NERVE”
I just cannot pick up on these social cues he’s handin’
I feel awkward and Aspergery like fuckin’ TEMPLE GRANDIN
I wanted to tell someone–like the pizza paparazzi
SOMETHING MUST BE DONE ABOUT THE FUCKIN’ GARLIC NAZI
Bullying is bad, but I couldn’t let it fester
This was a pizza joint, bitch, not a school bus in Rochester
So I take a big deep breath and I try not to get mad
And those fuckin’ garlic knots were like, the best I’d ever had
I loved the pizza and the knots, every bite, I couldn’t help it
I wanted to go home and fucking FIVE STAR YELP IT
So I wrote a good review, I know, I couldn’t be much dorkier
Getting yelled at with great pizza, bitch, it don’t get much New Yorkier
And I left him a good tip and now attention has been paid
All in this concrete jungle, OF WHICH DREAMS ARE MADE
word.
Halloween, Bitch.
Yo yo yo it’s that time of year
When a little eight-year-old dressed as Golda Meir
Comes and knocks on my door and I fill her sack with suckers
Yo trick-or-treat, Bitch, it’s HALLOWEEN MOTHAFUCKAS
Halloween’s fun for the young and old
But as a kid in Ohio, it was mothafuckin’ cold
And as a damper on things for me and my brother
We had to wear our jackets, THANKS A LOT JEWISH MOTHER
This shit pissed me off cuz I couldn’t even gloat
‘Bout the kick-ass costume that was covered by my coat
And I’d look at my mom in pure disbelief
And I’d say “Fine bitch, I’ll wear that jacket UNDERNEAF”
While other girls dressed as sluts, and the boys as the deceased
I was happy to be warm and dressed UP AS THE OBESED
And at least all my neighbors were able to tell
I was the best fat Sally fuckin’ JESSE RAPHAEL
Now for the kids in NYC, these problems simply don’t exist
They just go through their halls to the apartments on their list
And they don’t need their coats and they look so much leaner
I give them candy and smile.
They can suck my Halloweener.
word.
Jap Rap 