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High School, Bitch.

I know you’ll be real shocked, based on just how cool I am

That in high school being popular, wasn’t quite my jam

I never smoked cigarettes, I was scared of emphysema

I didn’t drink till college when I passed out from one ZIMA

I wore Doc Martens and huge glasses cuz I couldn’t see real far

The Stephen Schwartz pic in my locker didn’t make me populer–lar

If two popular kids were talkin’ bout a wild party

I’d ask, “Lippa or LaChiusa?” and they’d think I was retardy

I didn’t re’lize to be cool it would really help to flaunt your

Assets other than your Jewish hair and your orthodonture

So I knew my only chance to be even slightly cool

Would come my sophomore of high school on our CHOIR TRIP FOOL

The only glimmer of hope throughout my dark awkward phase

Was in our choir trip to Disney WHAT UP MAGIC MUSIC DAYS

I wasn’t good at being slutty, I could never go commando

But I knew that I could make some friends when we were in Orlando

There I’d finally be free from the cruel high school brutality

And score some friends at Disney with my WINNING PERSONALITY

We’d be free to be ourselves, I thought, without drugs or booze

And I’d make friends in choir with my fellow ALTO TWOS

On our first day in Orlando, we thought we would embark

On a choir, band, and orchestra trip to a water park

A water park in Disney? My public school just wouldn’t hear it

So our rickety old bus drove to a water park NEAR IT

There were only two slides, because this place was fuckin’ janky

The water was cold and a LITTLE BIT STANKY

I thought this could be my chance to show them I was fun and clever

And we’d be BFFFFs (BEST FUCKIN’ FRIENDS FOR FUCKIN’ EVER)

So all the other kids rushed to the family raft ride

No one dared go near The Bomb, a frightening vertical slide

Then I thought to myself, I was done with high school slavery

Maybe I could win some friends with some chutzpah (Jewish bravery)

This was so outside my comfort zone, that water was contagious

But I decided it was time for me to do something courageous

So I boldly broke away and walked straight toward The Bomb

They all saw me and saluted like I was on my way to Nam

The entire group was watching me, standing at attention

As I grasped the rusty railing and I started my ascension

My heart was pounding quickly at the top of the ladder

I could feel it in my chest, and a little in my bladder

Every eye was on me, just to see me do my duty

They started chanting my name! Like I was mother fuckin’ RUDY

I lay down and crossed my arms and I laid back my head

And I said the HaMotzi, BITCH, THE JEWISH PRAYER FOR BREAD

And then I was on my way, it was rather histrionic

My life flashed before my eyes and I received my first colonic

And I finally got down to the pool at the bottom

I envisioned my new friends and the crazy way I got ’em

I proudly stood up, overcome with such emotion

And the rest of the world started moving in slow motion

It was like a lucid dream, or whatever that thing’s called

Where there’s 80’s music and I’m  MOLLY FUCKIN’ RINGWALD

I threw my arms up in the air, I was filled with such elation

I turned to the crowd to receive my celebration

High school would be better now, with friends, and boys and kissing

But I stood there in the water and knew there was something missing

A heavy silence filled the air, you could have heard a pin drop

Soon I realized what was missing, bitch, MY MOTHAFUCKIN TOP

It was floating in the wading pool, right there in the middle

I sank down under water and I maybe peed a little

No thread of popularity ever did transpire

And now all of my bikinis, I make sure, have underwire

They missed out on a great kid, so they’re all a buncha suckers

And they sure missed out cuz now my tits are huge, mothafuckas

word.

Pizza, Bitch.

Yo I moved to New York from the good ol’ Midwest

Why did I move? Cuz it’s the MOTHA FUCKIN’ BEST

Sure Ohio’s less expensive, more charming, and much greener

New York has more pollution and is Jewier and meaner

I’ll always love Ohio, Cleveland’s really fuckin’ great

But I gotsta say my mind is in an EMPIRE STATE

Bitch, I loves what Jay-Z and Alicia be dishin’

Even with their quite improper USE OF A PREPOSITION

I defend it to my family like, “People here aren’t rude!”

And plus, if nothing else, I love New York for the food

Cuz frankly I don’t need you to be all cute and nice

When I go into a pizza joint to feed my face a slice

But just the other night I had a pizza run go bad

I won’t mention where I was cuz STANTON PIZZA WOULD BE MAD

127 Stanton is the more precise address

We stopped in because my husband has male-onset PMS

So once a month I feed him all the food I have on hand

And I give him the remote to watch THE NOTEBOOK ON DEMAND

I know him so well that by the way he was behaving

I would gladly give in to his late-night pizza craving

So we walk into the joint and I can’t believe my eyes

So many fuckin’ beautiful fuckin’ PIZZA PIES

The pepperoni look delicious, they’re all juicy and big

But I’m all good and Jewey so I DO NOT EAT THE PIG

At the the time it seemed too girly to just get a slice of veggie

I was tired and sweaty with a HUGE SPANX WEDGIE

My husband decides that he thinks he’s gonna getta

Slice of the fresh lookin’ one THAT IS THEIR BRUSCHETTA

So the dude cuts a slice for my very handsome fella

And I think I’m leaning toward the one with fresh mozzarella

But he cuts my guys bruschetta and that shit looks good as hell

So I’m like, “Actually, I’m gonna please have one of those as well”

And the dude shoots me this sneer that’s sayin’, “Really? are you shitting me?”

And I laugh cuz he’s just playin’, right? He’s gotta be kidding me

So I’m all like, “Whoops, sorry!” still thinking that he’s toying

He barks, “CUTTING SEPARATE SLICES IS JUST REALLY DAMN ANNOYING”

He was yellin’ pretty sternly which was givin’ me the shakes

Which resulted in my pouring all of the RED PEPPER FLAKES

So we ate our pizza quietly and left right at the end

We headed down the street and then we bumped into a friend

We all were early for a party right there on Stanton Street

She’s like, “You guys know somewhere close where I can grab a bite to eat?”

I tell her ’bout the pizza place and say the guy was vicious

But the more I talk about it, man, THAT PIZZA WAS DELICIOUS

So the three of us walk in and the guy’s about to plotz

This time I’d play it safe and simply order GARLIC KNOTS

Garlic knots are friendly! I love eatin’ ’em and smellin’ ’em

And then he yells at me again, “I HATE MAKIN’ ‘EM AND SELLIN’ ‘EM”

I have no clue what’s going on, I am really at a loss

And he mockingly turns to me as asks, “You want some sauce?”

BITCH, OF COURSE I WANT SAUCE! So I mutter, “Yes please”

But I wasn’t gonna push and ask for PARMESAN CHEESE

The next customer comes in that this dude’s about to serve

He says, “I hate it when people ask for sauce, WHAT NERVE”

I just cannot pick up on these social cues he’s handin’

I feel awkward and Aspergery like fuckin’ TEMPLE GRANDIN

I wanted to tell someone–like the pizza paparazzi

SOMETHING MUST BE DONE ABOUT THE FUCKIN’ GARLIC NAZI

Bullying is bad, but I couldn’t let it fester

This was a pizza joint, bitch, not a school bus in Rochester

So I take a big deep breath and I try not to get mad

And those fuckin’ garlic knots were like, the best I’d ever had

I loved the pizza and the knots, every bite, I couldn’t help it

I wanted to go home and fucking FIVE STAR YELP IT

So I wrote a good review, I know, I couldn’t be much dorkier

Getting yelled at with great pizza, bitch, it don’t get much New Yorkier

And I left him a good tip and now attention has been paid

All in this concrete jungle, OF WHICH DREAMS ARE MADE

word.

Halloween, Bitch.

Yo yo yo it’s that time of year

When a little eight-year-old dressed as Golda Meir

Comes and knocks on my door and I fill her sack with suckers

Yo trick-or-treat, Bitch, it’s HALLOWEEN MOTHAFUCKAS

Halloween’s fun for the young and old

But as a kid in Ohio, it was mothafuckin’ cold

And as a damper on things for me and my brother

We had to wear our jackets, THANKS A LOT JEWISH MOTHER

This shit pissed me off cuz I couldn’t even gloat

‘Bout the kick-ass costume that was covered by my coat

And I’d look at my mom in pure disbelief

And I’d say “Fine bitch, I’ll wear that jacket UNDERNEAF”

While other girls dressed as sluts, and the boys as the deceased

I was happy to be warm and dressed UP AS THE OBESED

And at least all my neighbors were able to tell

I was the best fat Sally fuckin’ JESSE RAPHAEL

Now for the kids in NYC, these problems simply don’t exist

They just go through their halls to the apartments on their list

And they don’t need their coats and they look so much leaner

I give them candy and smile.

They can suck my Halloweener.

word.