Yo I moved to New York from the good ol’ Midwest

Why did I move? Cuz it’s the MOTHA FUCKIN’ BEST

Sure Ohio’s less expensive, more charming, and much greener

New York has more pollution and is Jewier and meaner

I’ll always love Ohio, Cleveland’s really fuckin’ great

But I gotsta say my mind is in an EMPIRE STATE

Bitch, I loves what Jay-Z and Alicia be dishin’

Even with their quite improper USE OF A PREPOSITION

I defend it to my family like, “People here aren’t rude!”

And plus, if nothing else, I love New York for the food

Cuz frankly I don’t need you to be all cute and nice

When I go into a pizza joint to feed my face a slice

But just the other night I had a pizza run go bad

I won’t mention where I was cuz STANTON PIZZA WOULD BE MAD

127 Stanton is the more precise address

We stopped in because my husband has male-onset PMS

So once a month I feed him all the food I have on hand

And I give him the remote to watch THE NOTEBOOK ON DEMAND

I know him so well that by the way he was behaving

I would gladly give in to his late-night pizza craving

So we walk into the joint and I can’t believe my eyes

So many fuckin’ beautiful fuckin’ PIZZA PIES

The pepperoni look delicious, they’re all juicy and big

But I’m all good and Jewey so I DO NOT EAT THE PIG

At the the time it seemed too girly to just get a slice of veggie

I was tired and sweaty with a HUGE SPANX WEDGIE

My husband decides that he thinks he’s gonna getta

Slice of the fresh lookin’ one THAT IS THEIR BRUSCHETTA

So the dude cuts a slice for my very handsome fella

And I think I’m leaning toward the one with fresh mozzarella

But he cuts my guys bruschetta and that shit looks good as hell

So I’m like, “Actually, I’m gonna please have one of those as well”

And the dude shoots me this sneer that’s sayin’, “Really? are you shitting me?”

And I laugh cuz he’s just playin’, right? He’s gotta be kidding me

So I’m all like, “Whoops, sorry!” still thinking that he’s toying

He barks, “CUTTING SEPARATE SLICES IS JUST REALLY DAMN ANNOYING”

He was yellin’ pretty sternly which was givin’ me the shakes

Which resulted in my pouring all of the RED PEPPER FLAKES

So we ate our pizza quietly and left right at the end

We headed down the street and then we bumped into a friend

We all were early for a party right there on Stanton Street

She’s like, “You guys know somewhere close where I can grab a bite to eat?”

I tell her ’bout the pizza place and say the guy was vicious

But the more I talk about it, man, THAT PIZZA WAS DELICIOUS

So the three of us walk in and the guy’s about to plotz

This time I’d play it safe and simply order GARLIC KNOTS

Garlic knots are friendly! I love eatin’ ’em and smellin’ ’em

And then he yells at me again, “I HATE MAKIN’ ‘EM AND SELLIN’ ‘EM”

I have no clue what’s going on, I am really at a loss

And he mockingly turns to me as asks, “You want some sauce?”

BITCH, OF COURSE I WANT SAUCE! So I mutter, “Yes please”

But I wasn’t gonna push and ask for PARMESAN CHEESE

The next customer comes in that this dude’s about to serve

He says, “I hate it when people ask for sauce, WHAT NERVE”

I just cannot pick up on these social cues he’s handin’

I feel awkward and Aspergery like fuckin’ TEMPLE GRANDIN

I wanted to tell someone–like the pizza paparazzi

SOMETHING MUST BE DONE ABOUT THE FUCKIN’ GARLIC NAZI

Bullying is bad, but I couldn’t let it fester

This was a pizza joint, bitch, not a school bus in Rochester

So I take a big deep breath and I try not to get mad

And those fuckin’ garlic knots were like, the best I’d ever had

I loved the pizza and the knots, every bite, I couldn’t help it

I wanted to go home and fucking FIVE STAR YELP IT

So I wrote a good review, I know, I couldn’t be much dorkier

Getting yelled at with great pizza, bitch, it don’t get much New Yorkier

And I left him a good tip and now attention has been paid

All in this concrete jungle, OF WHICH DREAMS ARE MADE