Category Archives: Judaism

My View, Bitch.

Yo recently we moved, I’m not sure if you knew

From our first New York apartment with a stunning river view

And we quickly learned our view of New York living was quite slanted

Cuz we took that river view of ours TOTALLY FOR GRANTED

Sure it’s nice to see the sun as if it’s rising just for you

And to watch the boats sail by in the East River, oh so blue brown

But we fell into a habit there, it hardly is a crime

Bitch, we were MOTHA FUCKIN NAKED ALL THE MOTHA FUCKIN TIME

I would wake up every morning, watch the sunrise in euphoria

Nobody could see me (‘cept for sections of Astoria)

I’d drink a cup of coffee and I’d even shake a titty

That was my morning ritual GOOD MORNING NEW YORK CITAAYY

The nearest building was a hospital which hardly was in sight

There was a SLIGHT chance they could see me if my light was on at night

But the chances were so small, that I’d kinda just ignore it

If a patient caught a glimpse of me, no one  was worse off for it

I pretended like that hospital that sorta was in view

Was the one Macaulay Culkin helped in Home Alone PART TWO

I had no turtle doves to give them, but I always was undressed

So every Christmas I’d be sure to flash my DUNCAN’S TOY CHEST

I have a decent rack, and I’m not saying it to gloat

If the sick folks saw, I was FULFILLING MY MITZVOT

Now our new place is real nice and great, please don’t get me wrong

But don’t it always seem to go? (Like in that Joni Mitchell song)

When we are naked and we look out on what used to be the water

Now there’s a family staring back, a mom and dad, a son and daughter

The dad saw me the first time, I wasn’t sure how to behave

I thought, I hadn’t met them yet, I might as well just wave

The nanny and the girl saw my guy and were offended

Old habits do die hard, (let’s say that pun was not intended)

They were sitting at the table doing homework–long division

But she got a bonus lesson plan on Jewish circumcision

The mother saw me once, and she ran away quite frantic

She had never seen a chest that was so Jewishly gigantic

I am trying to improve, but now and then I’m found

So my newest plan of action is to drop right to the ground

There’s nowhere else to hide in that lapse of self control

So I make like a fire drill and  STOP DROP AND ROLL

For them it’s better than a river view, Hudson River’s septic

It’s more fun to watch their neighbor who’s a NUDIST EPILEPTIC

But just the other day, bitch, I think I learned my lesson

When I saw the dad across the way, openly undressin’

And from that point on, I changed my ways, I don’t need no adjustin’

Cuz bitch, I tell you, what I saw was really damn DISGUSTIN’

So I may not have my river view, that chapter sadly ends

But I have my ugly naked guy, LIKE MONICA ON FRIENDS

He’s clothed right now, and he just waved, he caught the look I shot him

Little does he know, I’m fuckin’ naked on the bottom

word.

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Soda, Bitch.

Yo I’ve thought a lot about it y’all and I am not a fan

Of lil’ Mayor Bloomberg’s motha fuckin’ SODA BAN

I was all about the trans fat rules but now he goes and pounces

On my right to drink a big-ass drink OVER 16 OUNCES

You don’t realize, Mr. Mayor, but you’re really overthrowin’

This Jewey girl’s experience of movie theatre goin’

You’d know that this proposal is not even worth debating

If you knew the role big soda plays in my movie rating

See, the first thing that I do when I see a movie, sister

Is I go and buy a huge-ass drink–A FUCKIN’ DOUBLE-FISTER

I start sippin’ when the movie starts and by the end I know

Whether or not to say this film’s a MUST GO

See, the quality of film is indirectly correlated

To the number of times that I got up and urinated

And I thusly have developed my own movie rating system

You want a few examples? YEAH, YOU GOT IT, BITCH!  I’LL LIST EM:

I never left to pee even though I sat there grunting

When I watched a young Matt Damon mop the floors in Good Will Hunting

Sometimes films are long, but I have my ways to deal

I spent The King’s Speech sitting on my fuckin’ heel

The Departed was amazing so I needed some finagling

I sat glued to my seat simply practicing my kageling

At the remake of King Kong I both peed and took a poo

I peed twice and called my grandma during Transformers PART TWO

I didn’t leave at Up or at Toy Story 3

I simply sat there weeping and just cryin’ out my pee

I made it through the whole damn thing when I saw Inception

But I think I might have dreamt I had a BLADDER INFECTION

So basically, Bloomie, all this nonsense has to stop

This is the USA where we’re free to drink our pop

Put your focus somewhere else, Mike, perhaps on something fiscal

While my Diet Coke and bladder help make me the next Gene Siskel

Wait, hold up, this just in, HOLD THE PHONE, BITCH BE QUIET

This ban is just for REGULAR??? I’m a Jew girl, I DRINK DIET

Y’all are drinking regular? OMG THAT’S GROSS AND LAME

Instead you should be healthy: SUPERSIZE YOUR ASPARTAME

Bloomberg wants to help, he isn’t trying to defeat us

Or we’ll all be Wilford Brimleys dealing with our diabeetus

I gots to go see Magic Mike, I bet I’ll pee before it ends

I’ll skip the Diet Coke and stick to Twizzlers and Depends

word.

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Pizza, Bitch.

Yo I moved to New York from the good ol’ Midwest

Why did I move? Cuz it’s the MOTHA FUCKIN’ BEST

Sure Ohio’s less expensive, more charming, and much greener

New York has more pollution and is Jewier and meaner

I’ll always love Ohio, Cleveland’s really fuckin’ great

But I gotsta say my mind is in an EMPIRE STATE

Bitch, I loves what Jay-Z and Alicia be dishin’

Even with their quite improper USE OF A PREPOSITION

I defend it to my family like, “People here aren’t rude!”

And plus, if nothing else, I love New York for the food

Cuz frankly I don’t need you to be all cute and nice

When I go into a pizza joint to feed my face a slice

But just the other night I had a pizza run go bad

I won’t mention where I was cuz STANTON PIZZA WOULD BE MAD

127 Stanton is the more precise address

We stopped in because my husband has male-onset PMS

So once a month I feed him all the food I have on hand

And I give him the remote to watch THE NOTEBOOK ON DEMAND

I know him so well that by the way he was behaving

I would gladly give in to his late-night pizza craving

So we walk into the joint and I can’t believe my eyes

So many fuckin’ beautiful fuckin’ PIZZA PIES

The pepperoni look delicious, they’re all juicy and big

But I’m all good and Jewey so I DO NOT EAT THE PIG

At the the time it seemed too girly to just get a slice of veggie

I was tired and sweaty with a HUGE SPANX WEDGIE

My husband decides that he thinks he’s gonna getta

Slice of the fresh lookin’ one THAT IS THEIR BRUSCHETTA

So the dude cuts a slice for my very handsome fella

And I think I’m leaning toward the one with fresh mozzarella

But he cuts my guys bruschetta and that shit looks good as hell

So I’m like, “Actually, I’m gonna please have one of those as well”

And the dude shoots me this sneer that’s sayin’, “Really? are you shitting me?”

And I laugh cuz he’s just playin’, right? He’s gotta be kidding me

So I’m all like, “Whoops, sorry!” still thinking that he’s toying

He barks, “CUTTING SEPARATE SLICES IS JUST REALLY DAMN ANNOYING”

He was yellin’ pretty sternly which was givin’ me the shakes

Which resulted in my pouring all of the RED PEPPER FLAKES

So we ate our pizza quietly and left right at the end

We headed down the street and then we bumped into a friend

We all were early for a party right there on Stanton Street

She’s like, “You guys know somewhere close where I can grab a bite to eat?”

I tell her ’bout the pizza place and say the guy was vicious

But the more I talk about it, man, THAT PIZZA WAS DELICIOUS

So the three of us walk in and the guy’s about to plotz

This time I’d play it safe and simply order GARLIC KNOTS

Garlic knots are friendly! I love eatin’ ’em and smellin’ ’em

And then he yells at me again, “I HATE MAKIN’ ‘EM AND SELLIN’ ‘EM”

I have no clue what’s going on, I am really at a loss

And he mockingly turns to me as asks, “You want some sauce?”

BITCH, OF COURSE I WANT SAUCE! So I mutter, “Yes please”

But I wasn’t gonna push and ask for PARMESAN CHEESE

The next customer comes in that this dude’s about to serve

He says, “I hate it when people ask for sauce, WHAT NERVE”

I just cannot pick up on these social cues he’s handin’

I feel awkward and Aspergery like fuckin’ TEMPLE GRANDIN

I wanted to tell someone–like the pizza paparazzi

SOMETHING MUST BE DONE ABOUT THE FUCKIN’ GARLIC NAZI

Bullying is bad, but I couldn’t let it fester

This was a pizza joint, bitch, not a school bus in Rochester

So I take a big deep breath and I try not to get mad

And those fuckin’ garlic knots were like, the best I’d ever had

I loved the pizza and the knots, every bite, I couldn’t help it

I wanted to go home and fucking FIVE STAR YELP IT

So I wrote a good review, I know, I couldn’t be much dorkier

Getting yelled at with great pizza, bitch, it don’t get much New Yorkier

And I left him a good tip and now attention has been paid

All in this concrete jungle, OF WHICH DREAMS ARE MADE

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My Sweetie, Bitch.

Yo just last week was our anniversary

And marriage, let me say, is everything I’d hoped it’d be

We’re partners and lovers, a team and best friends

We watch The Bachelorette and fall asleep before it ENDS

These past four years have truly been nothing short of heaven

He does wake up before me cuz he has to work at seven

And every day I wake up knowing just what I’ll encounter

When I walk into the kitchen and I look upon the counter

Although he leaves so quietly and doesn’t make a racket

HE NEVER FUCKIN’ THROWS AWAY HIS MOTHER FUCKIN’ SPLENDA PACKET

Ya see, we love our coffee maker, like I can’t even express-o

A morning ain’t a morning til this bitch has her Nespresso

He always makes his cappuccino from the comfort of our home

He knows just how to sweeten it and not disturb his FOAM

Two thirds of a Splenda, and he stirs in gingerly

I’M DOWN WITH OCD, YEAH YOU KNOW ME

He drinks his morning java and he cleans up the machine

He puts on that little stethoscope and flees the fuckin’ scene

So then I wake up about an hour or so later

And see some yellow on the counter next to the ‘frigerator

Believe it or not, he’s a doctor, not a trucker

BUT HE NEVER THROWS AWAY THAT SPLENDA PACKET MOTHA FUCKER

The trash can’s right below, it don’t require you to think

(We Jews all keep our garbage cans underneath the sink)

Now my husband is real brilliant, this fact I must admit

He not only is a doctor, but does RESEARCH AND SHIT

If you have a question, you can bet he’ll have an answer

I bet him a B.J. that he’ll probably cure cancer

There is nary a disease that he cannot diagnose

BUT HE CANNOT THROW AWAY THAT MOTHA FUCKIN’ SUCRALOSE

This problem used to take place only in our house

Cuz who would clean your Splenda up other than your spouse?

But the other day we stopped to get an iced coffee or two

At this little shop by us that does a mean COLD BREW

I knew he wouldn’t do it there, so I just took sip

But I turned around and saw that he had left out JUST THE TIP

Just the TIP of the Splenda, yeah–word to your mom

Just the TIP? It’s a coffee shop–not the fuckin’ PROM

It’s like my smart sexy man has this crazy presumption

That the world needs to keep tabs on his Splenda consumption

He can’t believe he does this cuz he’s usually so neat

And he always says he’s sorry cuz he’s NAT-U-RALLY SWEET

And he goes to hold my hand, and I feel his wedding ring

In these past four years of marriage, bitch, I wouldn’t change a thing

He says he’ll try to change next time, but really I don’t care

Cuz that little yellow packet lets me know that he was there

We just went out for coffee at this little cafe

He said, “Don’t you even worry, I know what you’re gonna say”

“It’s our fifth year of marriage now, so Baby, let’s begin it”

And he walked right by the garbage and he threw his Splenda in it on itImageword.

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Camping, Bitch.

Yo once upon a time I was young and in love

We was just like peas and carrots, just like OJ and his GLOVE

But oftentimes love just gets you stupid and naive

You agree to do some shit that you wouldn’t BELIEVE

So of course my little heart filled with joy and such elation

When my guy described what would be our “romantic vacation”

So although this bitch was bloated with full pre-menstrual cramping

I joyfully agreed to go mothafuckin CAMPING

Now, believe me when I tell you just how nice he made it sound

All alone in the wild without anyone around

He’s all, “Just pack up some bikinis and some shorts and a few tanks”

And I really kinda dug it–NO NEED FOR HEELS OR SPANX

So we packed up the car and drove to Canada’s border

Which took an hour to cross cuz we were stuck behind a HOARDER

Then out of the blue, it kinda started to drizzle

Then the skies opened up and that rain was off the HIZZLE

He was totally unfazed and all, “Don’t worry! It’ll pass!”

So we bought a box of wine (cuz the parks allow NO GLASS)

We pull up to the parking lot, the rain has yet to stop

And I smile with my sunscreen and my little white tank top

So we drive and buy some sweatshirts just to cover up my titties

(Jewish boobs fare better when they’re placed in major cities)

So we set off to our campsite, this entire time he knew

To get to our site took two hours by CANOE

So I tried to row my paddles, simply trying to be dutiful

Through the rain and thunder I screamed, “BABY THIS IS BEAUTIFUL!”

We finally reached land and I needed a massage

I thought we were all done, NU UH, we still had to PORTAGE

That didn’t sound so bad HA! actually instead

That means you go on a hike with the canoe on your dang HEAD

We finally get to the site, and I thought I’d get some tongue

But no, we had to search the site to check for BEAR DUNG

He decided that the site was gonna be just fine

So he went to pitch the tent and I drank the box of wine

There was nothing but rain for as far as we could see

This was nothing like “glamping” on REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC

Those bitches had a cabin and each had her cell pho-en

And I ain’t under contract with Bravo’s Andy Co-hen

So I waited in the tent, soaking wet from head to toe

I hadn’t peed all day, I was TOO AFRAID TO GO

I knew how to do it, but it still was kinda divey

I was scared I’d wipe my chach with the wrong kind of BLUE IVY

So whereas I thought this trip would bring us sexual elation

Instead I was wet and drunk and faced with CAMPING CONSTIPATION

I heard a rustle and I screamed, I thought a bear had come to greet us

But instead it was my cold wet guy, he had made fajitas

We snuggled up and went to bed, too cold to get real frisky

I stayed awake and watched for bears–sleeping was TOO RISKY

So our camping night that should have been filled with such romance

Turned into one where every sound made me crap my pants

In the morning my guy hung a little hammock that he found

I jumped on in and flipped it and we both fell on the ground

And for a moment we were happy, though I may have been obtuse

Cuz as soon as we stood up I squealed, “HOLY FUCK! A MOOSE!”

“Just be quiet,” my guy said, “You don’t wanna scare him off”

But he was just a yard away so I took pictures with a scoff

Then it ran away, my guy sighed and made a tinkle

I guess a moose can kill a bitch, THANKS A LOT, BULLWINKLE

The rain looked like it’d come again, we thought we might as well

Gather all our shit and get our asses a hotel

So we packed up all our stuff, the tent and the canoe

And I pretended to paddle for an hour or two

I took a look around us, just the water and the green

It was the most gorgeous place that I ever had seen

The rain kept pelting down, thunder roaring from above

I looked back at my guy and thought, Fuck. I am in love.

So although I’d sooner go to yoga class to get my zen

When it comes camping, well, for him, I’d do it all again

Nearly moosed and hypothermic, but at least we were together

So, yeah, I’d try again, but I would check the fucking weather.

word.

4 Comments

Hot Toys, Bitch.

Yo, every now and then my husband works the night shift

It gets lonely up in here, a girl could use a little lift

So what do ladies do when they’re left without their boys?

Bitches this is when you gotsta go and get yourself some TOYS

And my favorite toy of all is one handsome little devil

He is sleek and stainless steel and I call him my Breville

Yes, when I am all alone and I need a little lovin’

I ain’t gotta look much further than my fuckin’ TOASTER OVEN

Ladies, when you are in need of a little affection

Why not give yourself the added perk of cooking with CONVECTION?

I guess my Foreman will do when I need a grilling fix

I use my KitchenAid when I am just too lazy to mix

That immersion wand’s the shit when I’m whipping heavy cream

And I stay hydrated now, thanks to my SODA STREAM

But as I look my appliances and all of their utilities

The toaster oven always wins with its ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES

It does ANYTHING I WANT when I plug it in the socket

Bitch, if I swung that way it would make me a HOT POCKET

When you defrost things in the microwave, they’re chewy–IT’S UPSETTING

The toaster oven makes things perfectly–THANK YOU FROZEN SETTING

When food is gross and soggy, bitch, I really do abhor it

I’m so happy with my Breville- GLAD I REGISTERED FOR IT!

You can cook a small roast in there if you really wanna

That’s where I made my kugel–when?–ON FUCKIN’ ROSH HASHANAH!

And for all those sleepless nights when you’re sad and all alone

There’s a special pizza setting and a CUSTOM PIZZA STONE

If you have a chicken breast and a little olive oil

Just set it and forget it, LET THE BREVILLE DO THE BROIL

Keep your leftovers, it reheats them for you later

You can make a tiny brisket for a TINY PESACH SEDER

It has infinite potential just for you to uncork

Just ask Sonja Morgan–from Real Housewives of NEW YORK

It makes me tons of food and it stops when I say when

Yeah, I like my toaster ovens, bitch,  just like I like my men (Jewish)

So of course I miss my husband, cuz I do love him the most

I’ll think about him later, cuz now mama needs some TOAST

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Allergies, Bitch.

Yo you’re sneezy and itchy, and I’ll tell you all the reason

It’s that time of year, bitch, that’s right, IT’S ALLERGY SEASON

Now, I’m kinda an expert, cuz of course I get them too

Bitch, allergies are part of what it means to be a JEW

So I feel like it’s my duty just to lay you out some terms

‘Bout how yous gots to be responsible with your fuckin’ GERMS

I can’t tell you how often I be yellin’ BITCH PLEASE

When y’all don’t cover up when you motha fuckin’ SNEEZE

You should be prepared, it shouldn’t come as a surprise

Lee Goldberg’s AccuWeather forecast says when pollen levels RISE

Ever since the Civil War, both the Rebels and the Yankees

Took a break from slaves and killing to catch sneezes in their HANKIES

You bet drinking and schtuppin’ dont’ be stoppin Don Draper

From catchin’ his damn sexy snot in some TISSUE PAPER

We’ve got new guidelines now, bitch, you know what I mean

This ain’t the nineteen hundreds, this two thousand and THIRTEEN

So if you don’t have a kleenex, bitch, don’t act all naive

Simply sneeze in your elbow–yeah girl– in your UPPER SLEEVE

Gone are the days of sneezin’ in your fuckin’ hand

That’s how cholera spread throughout MANY A LAND

Yes, your nasty-ass cough could wipe out the whole nation

Either that or put a damper on my POST-PASSOVER VACATION

You bet the girl on the plane wasn’t havin’ much fun

When a dude coughed and gave her herpes simplex TYPE ONE

And I heard about a chick who sneezed and touched the subway bars

Then the whole fuckin N train got mother fuckin’ SARS

And another time a mom snotted on her kid’s strolla

And all them kids in playgroup ended up gettin’ EBOLA

You betta believe it, all these stories are true

And the way we stop the germs, bitch, it begins with YOU

So sneeze in your sleeve, and then wash your hands real well

And then marry a doctor, simply for the FREE PURELL

And now you know when you feel your nose itch

Take care of your germs, or else I will choke a bitch

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3 Comments

Passover, Bitch.

Easter is upon us, bitch, and as you might suspect

I ain’t out celebratin’ Jesus bein’ RESURRECT

While all you kids are mackin’ on your Peeps and chocolate eggs

I’ll eat some mandel bread at home and shavin’ my JEWISH LEGS

While you don your Lilly Pulitzer and patent leather shoes

I will celebrate a different day with my fellow Jews

It’s a very special holiday, can you tell me which?

Toss that bread out the window cuz IT’S PASSOVER, BITCH!

So for the next week you bet yo ass I am goin’ to be

One of them bitches who’s all, “UMMMM…Is this gluten-free?”

So gather all around, all my sisters and brothers,

And I’ll tell you why this night is so much DIFFERENT THAN THE OTHERS

We tell the tale of our escape from the Pharaoh and some haters

We still eat and still complain but we call these dinners SEDERS

Our people fled from Egypt thanks to locusts and some frogs

So that their greatgreatgreatgreat granddaughter could write some RAPPING BLOGS

And Pharoah had some boils and noone could diagnose it

Cuz the Jewish doctors LEFT and now we laugh and eat CHAROSET

They had to flee the land with just the matzo on their backs

Bitch, you know those were my ancestors, WE ALWAYS CARRY SNACKS

It was one long-ass journey, through the desert they were roamin’

And as we read about it someone hides the afikomen

And the kids all run to find it, hopin’ they will be the winner

Leave it to us Jews to MAKE SOME MONEY DURING DINNER

And the Jews escaped to freedom and were filled with such elation

So we celebrate with matzo and a week of constipation

And we laugh and eat and every year the brisket gets much chewier

So it kinda is like other nights, but better, and much Jewier

So no matter what you celebrate, please enjoy your day-ach

And if you see a Jew, you wish that bitch a CHAG SAMEACH.

word.

6 Comments

Caffeine, Bitch.

Yo once in a while, I’ll do a focus group or two

Cuz I can’t say no to money, bitch, because I am a Jew

So of course I jumped right on it–didn’t even have to think

When I was offered 80 bucks to test an ENERGY DRINK

Now this seemed like a cinch, and I’ll tell you what I mean

Bitch, I may be small, but I can hold my damn CAFFEINE

If I don’t have my coffee I will really feel unstable

When it comes to espresso I’ll drink a bitch UNDER THE TABLE

So it seemed like I’d won the focus group lotto

And I went to test the drink (after my MORNING MACCHIATO)

All I had to do was taste the drink that I was dealt

And five hours later, report back on how I felt

Now they had warned against it, but I guess I forgot

We weren’t supposed to have caffeine pre-energy shot

I didn’t say a word (I didn’t want them to reject me)

Cuz how much was one coffee really gonna affect me?

They asked me how I felt and I smiled like a pro

Cuz that amount of caffeine puts me at my STATUS QUO

And so I said goodbye, with 80 dollars, feelin’ rich

Who can handle her caffeine? THAT’S RIGHT! THIS BITCH!

I start to head home and I’m feelin quite awake

When out of the blue, my whole body starts to SHAKE

I decide I need some sugar–I work out, I deserve it

I spot a shop with Jelly Bellys and I SELF-SERVE IT

So I grab a paper bag, I smile at the owner fellow

And I dig that candy shovel into TOASTED MARSHMALLOW

I pour them in my shaky bag, I try to keep decorum

But that bag is shakin’ louder than a GROGGER ON PURIM

I shove the beans into my mouth as I’m trekkin’ through bohemia

This ain’t from the caffeine, this shit’s HYPOGLYCEMIA

You give me caffeine, I’m no pussy, I can take it

I saw a bus and thought, “IF I RUN I’LL PROLLY MAKE IT!”

So I start to run real fast, I think I’m really gonna meet it

And then I think NO! I’m gonna MOTHA FUCKIN BEAT IT!

I’ve never run so fast, I was hardly even tryin’

I was soarin up 1st Avenue–Bitch, I was fuckin’ FLYIN’

I couldn’t believe just how fast that I was goins

Like a little white Jewish motha fuckin’ JESSE OWENS

The bus was fast approachin’ so I kicked it into thrust

I ran past a group of ghetto kids and shouted “EAT MY DUST!”

I watched the bus get closer–I was about to reach my goal!

AND I MOTHAFUCKIN RAN INTO A MOTHAFUCKIN POLE

I hit it with my head and made it ring for a bit

And those ghetto kids I passed were all like “AWWW SHITTT”

But I kept on my way–I didn’t even make a fuss

And wouldn’t ya know! I STILL MADE THE FUCKIN’ BUS!

So I call my Jewish mother (yeas, I gots me one of those)

And of course her first question is “DID YOU HIT YOUR NOSE?”

She seemed a bit upset when I said no and nixed it

And she whispered to my dad “Well, insurance could have fixed it”

So I got back home and reported how I felt

I was shakin’ like crazy and on my head I had a welt

And my mother was cryin for her Jewey-nosed daughter

From now on I should stick to drinkin’ lemon with hot water

For the money I made, I was not a pretty sight

I would NOT do that again (Well for 90 bucks I might)

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10 Comments

Nudity, Bitch.

YO I gots a problem to tell you about

It occurs at the gym when I finish working out

Now when I’m at the gym, kids, I follow the laws

I  put my shit in a locker and wear MULTIPLE bras

I handle myself with poise and with grace

And don’t scatter Lululemon ALL OVA the place

So after I’m done, I gots to go to my locker

And each time I do, son,  I am in for a SHOCKER

The NAKEDEST OLD LADY that you ever saw

Stands right there at my locker, no underwear, no bra

She gets right up there close to me, I know this will be trouble

Bitch, when you are nude you need a BIGGER SPACIAL BUBBLE

I gesture at a towel, suggesting she should try it

But she’s all, “Oh no thank you, dear,” she’d rather just AIR DRY IT

I need to get away, so I go get myself some tissues

And I think to myself, I’ve got major naked issues

Yeah, nudity’s always been a problem for me

It dates back to overnight camp at the CLEVELAND JCC

Of course we were in bunks, everything was done tribunally

Even when we showered, bitch, we just showered all communally

When I came home at the end, my was like, “What reeks?”

Cuz I didn’t take my swimsuit off for SIX ENTIRE WEEKS

We had to shower all together, so I wore it for protection

Yes instead of bein naked, bitch, I risked a YEAST INFECTION

So fast forward to this locker room, she’s naked, right? You got that

And each and every time this crazy bitch just wants to chat

We talk about the spinning class, complain about the weather

We end up spending 10 or 15 minutes there together

My eyes just dart around cuz I’m tryin not to stare

At her wrinkly old bosoms, just floppin in the air

She’s older than Miss Daisy was, when Morgan Freeman drove her

And the worst of it occurs when this bitch turns and bends right over

To compensate I cover up myself in twenty towels

Cuz she’s still there all naked and I’m staring up her bowels

So it’s more than just the nudity, and how this bitch displays it

It’s just that she has a welcome and she NAKED OVERSTAYS IT

So I gather my belongings cuz I gots to be escaping

And I notice that by 70, folks stop their LADYSCAPING

I go to walk away and I hang my head in sorrow

So the nudity is over, well, at least until tomorrow

I zip my jacket all the way, putting on my hood

And I just can’t help but think that that bitch looked real fuckin good

So I guess I’ll just get over it, although it may be yucky

If I look like her at 70, I’ll be real fuckin lucky

I got back to my apartment and I made myself some food

And I wrote this little rap, and I did it in the nude

word.

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