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Soda, Bitch.

Yo I’ve thought a lot about it y’all and I am not a fan

Of lil’ Mayor Bloomberg’s motha fuckin’ SODA BAN

I was all about the trans fat rules but now he goes and pounces

On my right to drink a big-ass drink OVER 16 OUNCES

You don’t realize, Mr. Mayor, but you’re really overthrowin’

This Jewey girl’s experience of movie theatre goin’

You’d know that this proposal is not even worth debating

If you knew the role big soda plays in my movie rating

See, the first thing that I do when I see a movie, sister

Is I go and buy a huge-ass drink–A FUCKIN’ DOUBLE-FISTER

I start sippin’ when the movie starts and by the end I know

Whether or not to say this film’s a MUST GO

See, the quality of film is indirectly correlated

To the number of times that I got up and urinated

And I thusly have developed my own movie rating system

You want a few examples? YEAH, YOU GOT IT, BITCH!  I’LL LIST EM:

I never left to pee even though I sat there grunting

When I watched a young Matt Damon mop the floors in Good Will Hunting

Sometimes films are long, but I have my ways to deal

I spent The King’s Speech sitting on my fuckin’ heel

The Departed was amazing so I needed some finagling

I sat glued to my seat simply practicing my kageling

At the remake of King Kong I both peed and took a poo

I peed twice and called my grandma during Transformers PART TWO

I didn’t leave at Up or at Toy Story 3

I simply sat there weeping and just cryin’ out my pee

I made it through the whole damn thing when I saw Inception

But I think I might have dreamt I had a BLADDER INFECTION

So basically, Bloomie, all this nonsense has to stop

This is the USA where we’re free to drink our pop

Put your focus somewhere else, Mike, perhaps on something fiscal

While my Diet Coke and bladder help make me the next Gene Siskel

Wait, hold up, this just in, HOLD THE PHONE, BITCH BE QUIET

This ban is just for REGULAR??? I’m a Jew girl, I DRINK DIET

Y’all are drinking regular? OMG THAT’S GROSS AND LAME

Instead you should be healthy: SUPERSIZE YOUR ASPARTAME

Bloomberg wants to help, he isn’t trying to defeat us

Or we’ll all be Wilford Brimleys dealing with our diabeetus

I gots to go see Magic Mike, I bet I’ll pee before it ends

I’ll skip the Diet Coke and stick to Twizzlers and Depends


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