Category Archives: Jew Rap

Camping, Bitch.

Yo once upon a time I was young and in love

We was just like peas and carrots, just like OJ and his GLOVE

But oftentimes love just gets you stupid and naive

You agree to do some shit that you wouldn’t BELIEVE

So of course my little heart filled with joy and such elation

When my guy described what would be our “romantic vacation”

So although this bitch was bloated with full pre-menstrual cramping

I joyfully agreed to go mothafuckin CAMPING

Now, believe me when I tell you just how nice he made it sound

All alone in the wild without anyone around

He’s all, “Just pack up some bikinis and some shorts and a few tanks”

And I really kinda dug it–NO NEED FOR HEELS OR SPANX

So we packed up the car and drove to Canada’s border

Which took an hour to cross cuz we were stuck behind a HOARDER

Then out of the blue, it kinda started to drizzle

Then the skies opened up and that rain was off the HIZZLE

He was totally unfazed and all, “Don’t worry! It’ll pass!”

So we bought a box of wine (cuz the parks allow NO GLASS)

We pull up to the parking lot, the rain has yet to stop

And I smile with my sunscreen and my little white tank top

So we drive and buy some sweatshirts just to cover up my titties

(Jewish boobs fare better when they’re placed in major cities)

So we set off to our campsite, this entire time he knew

To get to our site took two hours by CANOE

So I tried to row my paddles, simply trying to be dutiful

Through the rain and thunder I screamed, “BABY THIS IS BEAUTIFUL!”

We finally reached land and I needed a massage

I thought we were all done, NU UH, we still had to PORTAGE

That didn’t sound so bad HA! actually instead

That means you go on a hike with the canoe on your dang HEAD

We finally get to the site, and I thought I’d get some tongue

But no, we had to search the site to check for BEAR DUNG

He decided that the site was gonna be just fine

So he went to pitch the tent and I drank the box of wine

There was nothing but rain for as far as we could see

This was nothing like “glamping” on REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC

Those bitches had a cabin and each had her cell pho-en

And I ain’t under contract with Bravo’s Andy Co-hen

So I waited in the tent, soaking wet from head to toe

I hadn’t peed all day, I was TOO AFRAID TO GO

I knew how to do it, but it still was kinda divey

I was scared I’d wipe my chach with the wrong kind of BLUE IVY

So whereas I thought this trip would bring us sexual elation

Instead I was wet and drunk and faced with CAMPING CONSTIPATION

I heard a rustle and I screamed, I thought a bear had come to greet us

But instead it was my cold wet guy, he had made fajitas

We snuggled up and went to bed, too cold to get real frisky

I stayed awake and watched for bears–sleeping was TOO RISKY

So our camping night that should have been filled with such romance

Turned into one where every sound made me crap my pants

In the morning my guy hung a little hammock that he found

I jumped on in and flipped it and we both fell on the ground

And for a moment we were happy, though I may have been obtuse

Cuz as soon as we stood up I squealed, “HOLY FUCK! A MOOSE!”

“Just be quiet,” my guy said, “You don’t wanna scare him off”

But he was just a yard away so I took pictures with a scoff

Then it ran away, my guy sighed and made a tinkle

I guess a moose can kill a bitch, THANKS A LOT, BULLWINKLE

The rain looked like it’d come again, we thought we might as well

Gather all our shit and get our asses a hotel

So we packed up all our stuff, the tent and the canoe

And I pretended to paddle for an hour or two

I took a look around us, just the water and the green

It was the most gorgeous place that I ever had seen

The rain kept pelting down, thunder roaring from above

I looked back at my guy and thought, Fuck. I am in love.

So although I’d sooner go to yoga class to get my zen

When it comes camping, well, for him, I’d do it all again

Nearly moosed and hypothermic, but at least we were together

So, yeah, I’d try again, but I would check the fucking weather.

word.

4 Comments

Hot Toys, Bitch.

Yo, every now and then my husband works the night shift

It gets lonely up in here, a girl could use a little lift

So what do ladies do when they’re left without their boys?

Bitches this is when you gotsta go and get yourself some TOYS

And my favorite toy of all is one handsome little devil

He is sleek and stainless steel and I call him my Breville

Yes, when I am all alone and I need a little lovin’

I ain’t gotta look much further than my fuckin’ TOASTER OVEN

Ladies, when you are in need of a little affection

Why not give yourself the added perk of cooking with CONVECTION?

I guess my Foreman will do when I need a grilling fix

I use my KitchenAid when I am just too lazy to mix

That immersion wand’s the shit when I’m whipping heavy cream

And I stay hydrated now, thanks to my SODA STREAM

But as I look my appliances and all of their utilities

The toaster oven always wins with its ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES

It does ANYTHING I WANT when I plug it in the socket

Bitch, if I swung that way it would make me a HOT POCKET

When you defrost things in the microwave, they’re chewy–IT’S UPSETTING

The toaster oven makes things perfectly–THANK YOU FROZEN SETTING

When food is gross and soggy, bitch, I really do abhor it

I’m so happy with my Breville- GLAD I REGISTERED FOR IT!

You can cook a small roast in there if you really wanna

That’s where I made my kugel–when?–ON FUCKIN’ ROSH HASHANAH!

And for all those sleepless nights when you’re sad and all alone

There’s a special pizza setting and a CUSTOM PIZZA STONE

If you have a chicken breast and a little olive oil

Just set it and forget it, LET THE BREVILLE DO THE BROIL

Keep your leftovers, it reheats them for you later

You can make a tiny brisket for a TINY PESACH SEDER

It has infinite potential just for you to uncork

Just ask Sonja Morgan–from Real Housewives of NEW YORK

It makes me tons of food and it stops when I say when

Yeah, I like my toaster ovens, bitch,  just like I like my men (Jewish)

So of course I miss my husband, cuz I do love him the most

I’ll think about him later, cuz now mama needs some TOAST

word.

4 Comments

Allergies, Bitch.

Yo you’re sneezy and itchy, and I’ll tell you all the reason

It’s that time of year, bitch, that’s right, IT’S ALLERGY SEASON

Now, I’m kinda an expert, cuz of course I get them too

Bitch, allergies are part of what it means to be a JEW

So I feel like it’s my duty just to lay you out some terms

‘Bout how yous gots to be responsible with your fuckin’ GERMS

I can’t tell you how often I be yellin’ BITCH PLEASE

When y’all don’t cover up when you motha fuckin’ SNEEZE

You should be prepared, it shouldn’t come as a surprise

Lee Goldberg’s AccuWeather forecast says when pollen levels RISE

Ever since the Civil War, both the Rebels and the Yankees

Took a break from slaves and killing to catch sneezes in their HANKIES

You bet drinking and schtuppin’ dont’ be stoppin Don Draper

From catchin’ his damn sexy snot in some TISSUE PAPER

We’ve got new guidelines now, bitch, you know what I mean

This ain’t the nineteen hundreds, this two thousand and THIRTEEN

So if you don’t have a kleenex, bitch, don’t act all naive

Simply sneeze in your elbow–yeah girl– in your UPPER SLEEVE

Gone are the days of sneezin’ in your fuckin’ hand

That’s how cholera spread throughout MANY A LAND

Yes, your nasty-ass cough could wipe out the whole nation

Either that or put a damper on my POST-PASSOVER VACATION

You bet the girl on the plane wasn’t havin’ much fun

When a dude coughed and gave her herpes simplex TYPE ONE

And I heard about a chick who sneezed and touched the subway bars

Then the whole fuckin N train got mother fuckin’ SARS

And another time a mom snotted on her kid’s strolla

And all them kids in playgroup ended up gettin’ EBOLA

You betta believe it, all these stories are true

And the way we stop the germs, bitch, it begins with YOU

So sneeze in your sleeve, and then wash your hands real well

And then marry a doctor, simply for the FREE PURELL

And now you know when you feel your nose itch

Take care of your germs, or else I will choke a bitch

word.

3 Comments

Passover, Bitch.

Easter is upon us, bitch, and as you might suspect

I ain’t out celebratin’ Jesus bein’ RESURRECT

While all you kids are mackin’ on your Peeps and chocolate eggs

I’ll eat some mandel bread at home and shavin’ my JEWISH LEGS

While you don your Lilly Pulitzer and patent leather shoes

I will celebrate a different day with my fellow Jews

It’s a very special holiday, can you tell me which?

Toss that bread out the window cuz IT’S PASSOVER, BITCH!

So for the next week you bet yo ass I am goin’ to be

One of them bitches who’s all, “UMMMM…Is this gluten-free?”

So gather all around, all my sisters and brothers,

And I’ll tell you why this night is so much DIFFERENT THAN THE OTHERS

We tell the tale of our escape from the Pharaoh and some haters

We still eat and still complain but we call these dinners SEDERS

Our people fled from Egypt thanks to locusts and some frogs

So that their greatgreatgreatgreat granddaughter could write some RAPPING BLOGS

And Pharoah had some boils and noone could diagnose it

Cuz the Jewish doctors LEFT and now we laugh and eat CHAROSET

They had to flee the land with just the matzo on their backs

Bitch, you know those were my ancestors, WE ALWAYS CARRY SNACKS

It was one long-ass journey, through the desert they were roamin’

And as we read about it someone hides the afikomen

And the kids all run to find it, hopin’ they will be the winner

Leave it to us Jews to MAKE SOME MONEY DURING DINNER

And the Jews escaped to freedom and were filled with such elation

So we celebrate with matzo and a week of constipation

And we laugh and eat and every year the brisket gets much chewier

So it kinda is like other nights, but better, and much Jewier

So no matter what you celebrate, please enjoy your day-ach

And if you see a Jew, you wish that bitch a CHAG SAMEACH.

word.

6 Comments

Caffeine, Bitch.

Yo once in a while, I’ll do a focus group or two

Cuz I can’t say no to money, bitch, because I am a Jew

So of course I jumped right on it–didn’t even have to think

When I was offered 80 bucks to test an ENERGY DRINK

Now this seemed like a cinch, and I’ll tell you what I mean

Bitch, I may be small, but I can hold my damn CAFFEINE

If I don’t have my coffee I will really feel unstable

When it comes to espresso I’ll drink a bitch UNDER THE TABLE

So it seemed like I’d won the focus group lotto

And I went to test the drink (after my MORNING MACCHIATO)

All I had to do was taste the drink that I was dealt

And five hours later, report back on how I felt

Now they had warned against it, but I guess I forgot

We weren’t supposed to have caffeine pre-energy shot

I didn’t say a word (I didn’t want them to reject me)

Cuz how much was one coffee really gonna affect me?

They asked me how I felt and I smiled like a pro

Cuz that amount of caffeine puts me at my STATUS QUO

And so I said goodbye, with 80 dollars, feelin’ rich

Who can handle her caffeine? THAT’S RIGHT! THIS BITCH!

I start to head home and I’m feelin quite awake

When out of the blue, my whole body starts to SHAKE

I decide I need some sugar–I work out, I deserve it

I spot a shop with Jelly Bellys and I SELF-SERVE IT

So I grab a paper bag, I smile at the owner fellow

And I dig that candy shovel into TOASTED MARSHMALLOW

I pour them in my shaky bag, I try to keep decorum

But that bag is shakin’ louder than a GROGGER ON PURIM

I shove the beans into my mouth as I’m trekkin’ through bohemia

This ain’t from the caffeine, this shit’s HYPOGLYCEMIA

You give me caffeine, I’m no pussy, I can take it

I saw a bus and thought, “IF I RUN I’LL PROLLY MAKE IT!”

So I start to run real fast, I think I’m really gonna meet it

And then I think NO! I’m gonna MOTHA FUCKIN BEAT IT!

I’ve never run so fast, I was hardly even tryin’

I was soarin up 1st Avenue–Bitch, I was fuckin’ FLYIN’

I couldn’t believe just how fast that I was goins

Like a little white Jewish motha fuckin’ JESSE OWENS

The bus was fast approachin’ so I kicked it into thrust

I ran past a group of ghetto kids and shouted “EAT MY DUST!”

I watched the bus get closer–I was about to reach my goal!

AND I MOTHAFUCKIN RAN INTO A MOTHAFUCKIN POLE

I hit it with my head and made it ring for a bit

And those ghetto kids I passed were all like “AWWW SHITTT”

But I kept on my way–I didn’t even make a fuss

And wouldn’t ya know! I STILL MADE THE FUCKIN’ BUS!

So I call my Jewish mother (yeas, I gots me one of those)

And of course her first question is “DID YOU HIT YOUR NOSE?”

She seemed a bit upset when I said no and nixed it

And she whispered to my dad “Well, insurance could have fixed it”

So I got back home and reported how I felt

I was shakin’ like crazy and on my head I had a welt

And my mother was cryin for her Jewey-nosed daughter

From now on I should stick to drinkin’ lemon with hot water

For the money I made, I was not a pretty sight

I would NOT do that again (Well for 90 bucks I might)

word.Image

10 Comments

Extramarital Ice Cream, Bitch.

Yo I love bein’ married, bitch, I love it quite a bit

He’s my best friend, my soulmate, and like, all of that shit

He’s honest and he’s loyal, our love is unsurpassed

He isn’t into threesomes (but NOT LIKE I’VE EVER ASKED)

We always stay faithful even when temptation lurks

But what’s wrong with harmless flirting if it gets this bitch some PERKS?

Sometimes I get free coffee from Amir at the bodega

If she’d let us win the lottery, I’d schtupp Yolanda Vega

But my favorite crush of all, I’d say far and above

Was my ice cream boyfriend, my COLD STONE LOVE

When my husband was in med school, bitch, we had to live apart

So I lived with my best gay, but I had a broken heart

So to make myself feel better while my husband was away

I’d be mackin’ on some ice cream at least ONCE OR TWICE A DAY

Lucky for me, when I needed a treat

A Cold Stone opened up–where?–RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET

And the kid behind the counter acted like he’d wanna bone me

And I rolled my eyes and said, “um..can’t you just cold stone me?”

And then he rang me up and I thought there was a miscount

But he winked at me and whispered, “Girl, you get my family discount”

And thus began our love affair, and it was like a dream

Bitch, the way to my heart is through FREE ICE CREAM

So I’d go back every day and simply make some flirty faces

And he’d smile through his acne and his SEXY CLEAR BRACES

And he’d say something weird like “Your left eye really twinkles”

And I’d say “Thanks” and ask for EXTRA RAINBOW SPRINKLES

And he’d go to ring me up and he’d be feelin like a balla

When he’d tell that I owed WHAT WHAT THREE DOLLA

(actual retail value was like, $177)

He knew me so well and knew I didn’t wanna spenda

Lotta money on my yogurt–well–that sweet cream made with SPLENDA

He knew just what I wanted, he just had a way of guessing

He’d even add some Oreos when I was PMSing

If they were running low on gummy bears, he’d always keep some hidden

So he could add them to mine, “OH MICHAEL, NO YOU DIDDUNN”

When my husband came to visit, I’d make him wait outside

I couldn’t let Michael see him, I didn’t wanna crush his pride

Plus if he came in, he would have blown my cover

And I just couldn’t do that to my COLD STONE LOVER

I never said goodbye when we moved uptown

I couldn’t bear to imagine those clear braces in a frown

There are lots of ice cream places in our new neighborhood

And all of them suffice, but sadly, none are quite as good

Jamal at TLC always treats me alright

And they double punch my card down at Tasti-D-Lite

And they all give me lots of sprinkles, cuz of course they all know me

But each time they do, I pour some out for my homie

word.

7 Comments

Movie Date, Bitch.

I went on a date with my husband, yo

We wanted to stay in, but I told that fucker NO

We’re not staying home like a bunch of married suckers

There’s only one thing to do: MUPPET MOVIE MOTHA FUCKAS

So we set out on our date, and we’re lookin’ pretty posh

And we stop at Dylan’s Candy Bar cuz this bitch needs a NOSH

Five dollas for Twizzlers at the theatre is a curse

So I get my own shit and I STUFF IT IN MY PURSE

Dylan’s is real crowded–those sticky kids all verminy

But mama needs some CANDY CORN and gummy bears from Germany

I look over at my husband and I’m sure he’s getting randy

Watching me knock over kids to buy a pound of candy

We continue on our movie date, I can’t wait to begin it

My purse won’t even close because there’s SO MUCH CANDY IN IT

$12 for a ticket, bitch, that really is an oucher

But you can count on me to bring my LIVING SOCIAL VOUCHER

Going to the movies, bitch, can really make you broke

But $5 won’t keep me from a GIGANTIC DIET COKE

So we sit down to our movie date all ready to get jiggy

Cuz there ain’t nothing sexier than Kermie and Miss Piggy

This lady sitting next to me is talking on her phone

I wanna punch her face, but I just leave the bitch alone

If I wasn’t on this date I’d prob’ly poke her in the eye

When all of the sudden I hear a baby start to cry

I look to my left thinking someone must be joking

And I see a fucking baby, ok, now I’ll start eye pokin’

Now I really love babies, but this shit is uncanny

Either don’t come to the movies, or just get yoself a NANNY

Then I see a flash–I look up at the light fixtures,

But bitch, hold the phone, there’s a FELLA TAKIN PICTURES

He whispers “Smile! Say cheese!” and his daughter starts to squeal

And he starts flashin’ away–THIS SHIT CANNOT BE FO REAL

I grab my husband’s leg and I cough into my sleeve

PICTURES IN THE PICTURES, bitch, do you even BELIEVE?

Infants and flash photos, bitch now that should be illegal

‘Specially at films with Fozzie Bear and Jason Segel

Now, I’m a good moviegoer unlike all of these fools

I don’t add my own soundtrack, bitch, I all follow the rules

I was gonna say something, but I ain’t no complainer

I pitch in and throw my trash in the SPECIFIED CONTAINER

I walk out of the movie thinkin’ what a fuckin’ joke

(and I gots to stop and tinkle cuz of ALL THAT DIET COKE)

We start the long walk home and I gather up my pride

That’s what I get for seein’ movies on the UPPA EAST SOOIIDE

I’ll see the film again, and I’ll concentrate for real

(but now I gotsta wait for a LIVING SOClAL DEAL)

And for our next date, to avoid this same result

We’ll maybe see something that’s a little more adult

Perhaps we’ll see a porno, my husband’d prolly love it

I guess that would be funny–I’ll take a picture of it

word.

6 Comments

Learn the Trade, Bitch.

Yo New York City is that kind of a town

With lots of places to go when you feel like gettin’ down

They’ve got lounges and bars and clubs with bottle service

But slutty girls and sparklers make me ITCHY and NERVOUS

The drinks there are expensive and the bathrooms always dirty

I prefer somewhere clean and much more Hawaiian shirty

So when I wanna hang with my bitches and hoes

I grab my canvas bags and I head to TRADER JOE’S

I walk in the door and I get the party started

There’s no bouncer, but a GREETER and he gets me SHOPPING CARTED

I get on my way and I tell my husband SEE YAS

Cuz mama’s gotta get some fuckin’ whole wheat tortillas

The guy stocking yogurt is kinda a putz

I’ll come back and get it later and I’ll stock up on some NUTS

Then this little Jew girl really thinks she’s seein’ Jesus

When I get to the wall of AFFORDABLE CHEESES

Then the snack food aisle makes all the bitches horny

I get peanut butter pretzels and all CRAZY KETTLE CORNEY

There’s shampoo for your hair, for your feet they’ve got pumice

But the real shiznit is that HORSERADISH HUMMUS

Yogurt! There you are! I will come and I will get you!

Don’t you DARE think for a second that I’d ever forget you

I get all the new items cuz I love me some change

Then get a dozen eggs WHAT WHAT FREE RANGE

The fun doesn’t stop even when I’m in line

A pound of dark chocolate for A DOLLAR NINETY-NINE

And so I wait my turn and I’m admiring my load

And they ring their little bells

TRADER JOE’S MORSE CODE

We get up to the front and I jump and celebrate

And they wave the little flag and tell me LINE 28

We go to check out, the guy scans my chicken patty

And my husband rolls his eyes cuz this dude’s OVERLY CHATTY

He talks about each item and it kinda takes forever

But I don’t mind a bit, thank you, TRADER JOE’S TREVOR

The bill is so cheap and my husband is stoked

Bitch, I need a cigarette and I ain’t NEVA even smoked

So we got enough food to fill an auditorium

Bitch I’m never goin’ back to fuckin’ Food Emporium

word.

1 Comment

Hanukkah, Bitch.

While Santa hits the skies to deliver gifts with Blitzen

My people are in Boca, complaining that they’re schvitzin’

And they’re slappin on some lotion, cuz their eczema, it itches

Yes, even though it’s Christmas, it’s still HANUKKAH, BITCHES!

So set aside your presents, step away from them trees

And celebrate for Judah and the fuckin’ Maccabees

Because without them Maccabees, we would all be pagan

And there would be no Hanukkah for Judge ELENA KAGAN

All because these Jewish boys defeated Greeks and Syrians

So their children could be doctors up at New York Presbyterian

They had one night of oil, they were running out of luck,

But it burned for eight whole nights and Judah’s all like, “HOLY FUCK”

So while you get that egg nog, and youre fillin’ up your cup

I’ll grab my menorah and I’ll LIGHT THAT FUCKER UP

And then I’ll spin a dreidel and I’ll win some gelt, it’s funny–

Leave it to us Jews to make our chocolate look like money

So don’t give me no fruitcake, I assure you I will toss it

Just give this bitch a latke and I’ll fuckin’ APPLESAUCE IT

Go open up your presents, I hope they are insane

I’ll be at the movies and then eating some lo mein

I wish a Happy Hanukkah to all you girls and boys

And of course a Merry Christmas goes out to all you goys

word.

4 Comments

Eggs, Bitch.

Yo very few things can make your lady feel finer

Than an all-inclusive breakfast at your favorite local diner

You’ll know you’re gettin lucky when you see her start to smile

When she reads, “Two Eggs” what what “ANY STYLE”

But before you even think of gettin into her legs,

You can learn a lot about a bitch from how she takes her eggs

If she wants them over hard, then she’s gonna be a bore

On the flip side, over easy means you’ve got yourself a whore

Scrambled chicks are crazy, I suggest you run and hide up

And she’s got daddy issues if she wants them sunny-side up

If your lady orders egg whites, for an extra buck or twoish

Then that bitch has high cholesterol, well that or she’s just Jewish

But the hottest girls of all, they don’t want Tiffany or Coach,

What really turns them on is when a MAN KNOWS HOW TO POACH

And what could make a Jew boy feel more sexually alive

Than to cook the eggs at home and save himself 4.95?

So as an early gift for Chanukah, to help you get your freak on

Here’s the step-by-step to get your egg poachin’ technique on

First thing you gots to do is put some water in a pot

Heat it just below a simmer, YOU DON’T WANT IT BOILIN’ HOT

I add a touch of vinegar, that’s up to some debates

But I really fuckin’ love it cuz that SHIT COAGULATES

You gently stir the water with a spatula or spoon

You make a lil’ whirlpool and your bitch will start to swoon

Then simply pour the egg into the center of the well

I crack that shit beforehand, I don’t want no bits of SHELL

3-4 minutes is the time that you should budget

Let it cook real nice until you’re just able to nudge it

Then you carefully remove it with a spoon that’s nice and slotted

(Girls get really horny when their arteries are clotted)

Drain it on a paper towel and then go ahead and serve it

And then go and get your nookie–you poached it, you deserve it

So next time you feel freaky, no need to flirt or beg

Just grab your favorite lady and then poach that bitch an egg

Word.

(poaching method adapted from Smitten Kitchen)

3 Comments