Equality, Bitch.

So I’m riding on the subway with my fellow Jews & goys

And sitting right across I see these gorgeous little boys

They were riding on the 6 train with this chick who was their nanny

(No, not cuz they’re Hispanic and this chick is Pakistani)

I heard her tellin’ someone she’s a nanny and a bassist

I didn’t make assumptions, bitch, I AIN’T NO NANNY RACIST

They were playing nice and quietly with little cars and boats

And dressed up so adorably in MATCHING MONCLER COATS

They were munching on some healthy snacks, a little veggie crudo

They looked like tiny 4-year-old MEMBERS OF MENUDO

As I looked into their gorgeous eyes and perfect dimpled grins

I whispered, “Motherfucker. THOSE ARE RICKY MARTIN’S TWINS.”

Bitch, I’m well-versed in celeb kids (I once saw Bronx Mowgli Wentz)

And Ricky Martin’s on the East Side SO THE 6 TRAIN WOULD MAKE SENSE!

Of course I kept real quiet (didn’t wanna seem a dork)

Bitch, that’s just how you roll when YOU ARE FUCKIN’ FROM NEW YORK

(Well, I’m actually from Cleveland, but I’m sayin’ that’s how I WOULD in fact roll, if I was actually from New York) (bitch)

And speaking of New York, there is no place I’d rather be

Than where these two boys and their dads can be a fuckin’ family

I looked right at these happy kids, how nicely they were seated

And I thought about some news of late and got real fuckin’ heated

I promised long ago I wouldn’t make this blog political

But this shit isn’t politics–BITCH, I ain’t hypocritical

Keeping anyone from marrying just really gets me fumin’

I told ya, it ain’ politics, it’s simply fuckin’ HUMAN

Folks comparing beastiality to people who are gay!?!?

If anyone’s unfit to parent it’s the ones who think that way

Politicians cheering Chick-fil-a, all in the name of God?

And what if Track or Trig were gay?? Or (more likely)Todd?

The best thing we can give this world, so far and above

Is to let us all live equally and openly with love

I left train and smiled at Matteo and his brother (Valentino. duh.)

Who on earth would keep their dads from fuckin’ marrying each other?

Bitch, I fucking love my husband, our bond is crazy thick

I’d SO marry him again, even if he were a chick

Love is simply love, gay or straight, New York or Boca

And for two people in love to wed? That vida sure ain’t loca

I walked home and I thought about how much I find it bothering

How anyone could question love and question loving fathering

NPH and David Burtka, Ellen, Portia, Cam & Mitch?

If anyone keeps them from marrying, I’ll fuckin’ choke a bitch

I got home and went online for just a little decompression

And I wrote this lil’ rap for you in true PASSIVE AGGRESSION

And I Google Image searched a pic of Ricky and his tots

And I found one from that very day! I’M LIKE GONNA PLOTZ

He was walking through an airport, kids in hand and standing tall

And I zoomed in on the boys AND THEY WEREN’T WHO I SAW AT ALL

They were acting like his kids, one on each leg so tightly latching

BUT IT JUST CAN’T BE SO! THEIR JACKETS AREN’T EVEN MATCHING

They had no designer clothes and no Evita paraphernalia

And they weren’t on the 6 train–THEY WERE FUCKING IN AUSTRALIA

So my boys weren’t Ricky Martin’s kids, as far as I can tell

But I’m sure they have gay dads–they just were dressed too fucking well

No matter who their parents are, why not let them wed?

I logged onto my Facebook, seems we all be seeing red

Other people’s love is good, please don’t be a hater

Don’t be a Scalia, be a Kagan or RUTH BADER

Let’s keep our fingers crossed that we will see the end of DOMA

And see some FAB new registries at Williams and Sonoma

And let’s all teach our kids to love, they hear what we’re impartin’

Do it for the greater good (and for Ricky Martin)

Word.

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Jap Rap

Easter is upon us, bitch, and as you might suspect

I ain’t out celebratin’ Jesus bein’ RESURRECT

While all you kids are mackin’ on your Peeps and chocolate eggs

I’ll eat some mandel bread at home and shavin’ my JEWISH LEGS

While you don your Lilly Pulitzer and patent leather shoes

I will celebrate a different day with my fellow Jews

It’s a very special holiday, can you tell me which?

Toss that bread out the window cuz IT’S PASSOVER, BITCH!

So for the next week you bet yo ass I am goin’ to be

One of them bitches who’s all, “UMMMM…Is this gluten-free?”

So gather all around, all my sisters and brothers,

And I’ll tell you why this night is so much DIFFERENT THAN THE OTHERS

We tell the tale of our escape from the Pharaoh and some haters

We still eat and still complain but we call these…

View original post 186 more words

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Menstrual Man, Bitch.

If you’re livin’ with a lady, then you know there’s nothing worse

Than that one week of the month when she gets the fuckin’ CURSE

No matter what you say, there will always be a fight

For that week (and more) you’re wrong, I mean, ladies, am I right?

So don’t bother with affection, you’re just wasting all your doting

Cuz we’d rather be alone with our Chipotle, gas, and bloating

And though I do want that burrito, I’m not trying to brag

But I really don’t get moody when I’m on the fuckin’ RAG

Now, please don’t be mistaken, thinkin’ that’s so advantageous

Because lately I’m convinced that menstrual symptoms are contagious

I have lots of detailed evidence, I’m sharing just a kernel

I’MMMA publish all this shit in the New England fuckin’ JOURNAL

It’s a medical wonder, but to you I will confess:

That when I get my ladies, my man gets the PMS

I think the estrogen just floats around and does a little switchy

I get the zits and bloating and my husband GETS THE BITCHY

Don’t get me wrong, he is a dude, all manly and testicular

But on that one week he’s stubborn and he’s so crazily particular

He’s perfect all the other weeks, with hardly any flaws

So I’ll put up with all this shit UNTIL WE MENOPAUSE

I could tell so many stories cuz the instances are ample

But here is just the latest–I’M ‘BOUT TO GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE:

Last weekend we went out of town to see our good friends marry

Our flight was Friday evening when the traffic can be hairy

We planned to cab it straight from work which was already quite darin’

But we couldn’t miss this wedding MAZEL TOV TO BEN AND ARYN

So Friday morning when he left for work, my guy knew he’d been meaning

To drop of his enormous load of dirty damn dry cleaning

‘Twas seven in the morning and of course he had supposed

That the cleaners would be open, but bitch, they were fuckin’ closed

Hong’s Cleaners is his favorite, whether April, June, or March

He goes there all year long because he LOVES THE WAY THEY STARCH

He passed by 5 other stores because their starch is “reprehensible”

So he brought that shit to work, he’s a doctor AND SO SENSIBLE

So the patients that were crying that their cancer really hurts

Were prob’ly thrilled to see their doctor AND HIS FUCKIN’ DIRTY SHIRTS

I should mention we’ve no laundry bag, so don’t misunderstand, NO

He had his shirts all free and loose: DRY CLEANING COMMANDO

But of course he came up with a plan, never once forgetting

That he wasn’t going home that night, but flying to a wedding

He’d hop right in a cab, we had a flight and we would catch it

He’d meet me with his dry cleaning and like a WIFE I’d fetch it

I drop it with my doorman who’s all, “Someone come and getting it??”

I yell back, “YEP,” jump in the cab, already regretting it

I say, “Let’s call the cleaners, not leave shirts there in obscurity”

And he’s like, “NO! WE HAVE TO WAIT ‘TIL WE GET THROUGH SECURITY”

I sigh, “OK” and didn’t say, “THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE”

Cuz all these years have taught me YOU CAN’T REASON WITH THE MENSE

Now the best thing you can do is get a menstrual one some grub

Like the baller that I am I got us in the DELTA CLUB

At this point PMS was really getting kinda scary

So I go straight to the bar and get my man a bloody mary

When your man has PMS and he starts to get real colicky

Get him something spicy, pickled, and REAL alcoholicky

I snuck away to call the cleaners and I left my guy alone

(With 3 packets of Nutella and some HUMMUS IN A CONE)

So I go look up the number thinking Google’d be of help

But I couldn’t find Hong’s Cleaners there, NOT EVEN ON YELP

Nervously I searched and searched and then to my surpriser

HONG TEAM CLEANERS! THANK YOU SO MUCH, TRIP ADVISOR!

The guy answers the phone and I can’t understand a word

English isn’t his first language IT’S HIS MOTHA FUCKIN’ THIRD

I say my last name and address maybe six or seven times

I’d repeat what he yelled back but THERE AIN’T NO WAY THAT IT RHYMES

We go back and forth for minutes and now both of us are yelling

Who’d be picking up our clothes? There really was no way of telling

The chances it’d be Hong you’d think are looking rather slim, huh?

But otherwise he would have brought his LAUNDRY TO A SIMCHA

I look back at my guy who was three bloody marys deep

We stepped aboard the plane and went to MOTHAFUCKIN’ SLEEP

We had a lovely weekend, danced and drank the wine of Bacchus

We celebrated Ben and Aryn, OMG you guys, SUCH NACHES

We got back home that Sunday, took the bus from LGA

And we walked home from the bus stop and passed Hong along the way

They are always closed on Sundays, but my eye did catch their awning

And my jaw dropped to the ground (but I pretended I was yawning)

Their phone number was on it, though the digits were quite small

I knew that wasn’t who I called–UM LIKE NOT EVEN AT ALL

The shirts weren’t at my building, so who had them was a mystery

But I would crack this case, THANK YOU IPHONE CALLER HISTORY

I snuck on my computer and I got the fuckin’ hookup

Hong “TEAM” Cleaners, THANK YOU REVERSE FUCKIN’ LOOKUP

Now as far as my guy knew, there were no problems all along

And I’ll never ever tell him that I got the WRONG HONG

Within two fucking blocks how many Hongs could there be?

Well bitch, I learned the hard way that the answer here is THREE

I tracked the cleaning down and the next day went and got it

I took the plastic off and swiftly placed it in the closet

And he never had to know about this tiny little hiccup

And I went back to his Hong and signed his ass up for FREE PICK-UP

He got dressed today and said, “This starch is weird”, OH?? IS IT?!

I just told him to back off because AUNT FLO IS HERE TO VISIT.

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1 Comment

Purim, Bitch.

If you see some Jews in costumes don’t scream, “Dear, they’re gonna rob us!”

It’s a Jewish holiday, and bitch, I don’t mean that it’s Shabbos

You may not know don’t know the story, ‘specially if you vote Santorum

So that’s why I am here today to tell y’all ’bout PURIM

The story all began with the ancient Persian King

Celebrating with his bros and simply doin’ his king thing

When he called upon his wife, the hottie Queen named Vashti

To parade around in front of them–ABSOLUTELY NASHTY

Ladies, am I right? She’s a queen and not a hoe

But shit got crazy awkward after my girl Vash said NO

So the king asked his advisors what they thought that he should do

(Achashverosh needs some help with a decision or two)

If they were Jew advisors then they would have fined and billed her

But Jewish guys they weren’t, and bitch, they MOTHA FUCKIN’ KILLED HER

So they’re all, “So that happened…moving on…end scene”

But Achashverosh be like, “Dudes, I GOTSTA FIND ANOTHER QUEEN”

There were just so many ladies, so like how they gonna pluck her?

So they did it in a contest, LIKE THE BACHELOR MOTHA FUCKER

So now lil’ Jewish Esther’s out there with her uncle Mo

Who thinks she could be Queen and he encouraged her to go

He told her not to say she’s Jewish, and the secret never leaked

(Thank G-d she was an orphan CUZ HER MOTHER WOULDA FREAKED)

And of all the many ladies from which Achashverosh chose

Little Jewish Esther got the FUCKING FINAL ROSE

Now he doesn’t know she’s Jewish here at this point now, however

This rose ceremony was the MOST DRAMATIC EVER

Mordechai, meanwhile, stayed real close nearby the palace

And warned Esther of an evil plot and saved the king from malice

His helpful advice really saved that king’s life

And the king is like, “Remind me to say thank you to him, WIFE”

Then the king made a bad move when he decided he’d be namin’

To the job of chief advisor this motherfucker HAMAN

This dude despised the Jews, he’d kill you if you had a bagel

(And gets approved more easily than former SENATOR CHUCK HAGEL)

Haman comes across our friend, or dear little Mordechai

And demanded he bow down, like he was pledging Sigma Chi

Mordechai’s like, “…no” and when Haman heard this news

He’s all, “Bitch I’m gonna kill you and kill ALL Y’ALL JEWS”

Haman told the king his plan and all his nasty visions

And the king is like, “Sounds good! Because I cannot make decisions!”

Haman builds Mo’s gallows where he plans to hang and yank him

King’s like, “That dude who saved me! I totes forgot to thank him!”

So the king asks his dude Haman, “Tell me, what’s a good reward?”

Haman’s like, “The nicest horse and robe that your ass can afford”

Haman thought it’d be for him, thinking he would do the riding

But as I said before, the king just NEEDED HELP DECIDING

At the banquet that night, Esther gave her big reveal

She told the king she was a Jew, sensibly, over a meal

He heard of Haman’s plan and so he sent him to be hanged

He gave Mordechai his prize, and he and Esther prolly banged

And now we read their story in our dear old Megillah

And we scream at Haman’s (AHHHHHHHH) name cuz he a CRAZY EYE KILLA

And we all dress up in costumes and sing some Purim tunes

And we Jews turned Haman’s (AHHHHHHHHH) hat into a COOKIE FILLED WITH PRUNES

And then you’re supposed to drink until you lose all of your clarity

And nosh that fuckin’ ‘taschen (prune ones help irregularity)

So put down that Sunday Times, you’ve had enough of the sequester

And molesters, and investors, and go hang out with Queen Esther

Y’all can dress as a queen–no matter if you’re straight or gay men

I go to my own drum and dress as Vashti or as Ham-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

And there you have it, PURIM! From your favorite rappin’ blogger

So now go and shake that thang (AND BY “THAT THANG” I MEAN YOUR GROGGER)

word.

1 Comment

I Met Bill Clinton, Bitch.

Yo I write the little raps, y’all, and oftentimes I feel

I gots to trick you all and pull this fuckin’ big reveal

Like that time I made you think I was using toys for lovin’

When really I was rappin’ bout my BREVILLE TOASTER OVEN

Or just last rap I said I had this big thing to confess

And it was that I had flu, (but fo reals I was a mess)

I think some misdirection sometimes is a little nice

Bitch, I love me some red herring LIT-ER-ARY DEVICE

But today I’ll come right out, you don’t need no fuckin’ hintin’

I’ll just say it, OH EM GEE, you guys, I MET BILL FUCKIN’ CLINTON

I just had left the gym, didn’t shower, I just went

I’m all, “Who is gonna see me? Not my FAVORITE PRESIDENT!”

I rocked my Uggs and puffy coat, Lululemon up my crotch

There was funeral traffic, REST IN PEACE TO MAYOR KOCH

So I’m waiting for the bus, just three stops, but that’s just fine

I GOTSTA USE MY MONTHLY ON THE M79

The bus stops right outside this fancy vegan restaurant

But on this afternoon three Escalades were PARKED OUT FRAUUNT

I had eaten there before, I found it gimmicky and faddish

I ordered ravioli, bitch, they made it outta RADDISH

I don’t know about y’all, but when I order ravioli

I don’t like to go home starving and eat MIDNIGHT GUACAMOLE

But after he left office and left Hills to deal with Putin

Billy boy went vegan and he cut down on his GLUTEN

So I’m standing with this Asian woman and her little son

When a guy jumps out the Escalade and then another one

They walk up to the restaurant and open up the door

And then the thing happened THAT I TOLD YOU BOUT BEFORE

BILL CLINTON emerged, bitch, the whole damn world stopped turning

It coulda been my lack of shower, but my underparts were burning

He walked right out the door and the scene played in slow motion

There was just so much to say and I was filled with such emotion

This man was good for everyone, small business and big firms

Our country saw such surplus when Bill Clinton served his terms

He led us from a dark place to unheralded prosperity

He gives hope and with his intellect, he always sheds such clarity

He’s sensible and wise and he always sticks to facts

(He’s a vegan silver fox and he could play me like a sax)

I thought of all these things and I stayed calm with all my might

When before he reached his car, he turned slightly to the right

With security around to make sure no one had a bomb

He walked right to the bus stop, UP TO ME AND ASIAN MOM

I looked into his eyes, like a sea of baby blue

And I melted to a puddle of a little rapping Jew

He extended his hand, with the secret service flanking him

I didn’t know what I should do, so I thought I’d stick to spanking him thanking him

He shook my hand, said, “Nice to meet you,” so gentle and so kind

When all my English words quickly left my little mind

I couldn’t feel my face, I could hardly even hear

So I just smiled with my whole face, bitch, from ear to shining ear

He then shook Asian Mom’s hand and her son’s hand in the middle

And he nodded back at grinning me (I maybe peed a little)

And shaking hands with him, by proxy, probably would mean

That I shook hands with the President of 20damn16

He climbed into his car, and he went along his way

And I thought a lot about the words I never got to say

I just met the greatest leader that our lives may ever know

And THANK YOU, CROSSTOWN BUS, for always being so damn slow

And thank you, Mr. President, I never will forget you

And let’s lay off Lewinsky, folks, cuz Monica, I get you

word.

A Confession, Bitch.

Yo, I’ve got a confession you can add to your roster

No, I’m not “single,” sorry, Jodie frickin’ Foster

And the rumors aren’t true, sorry those who were hopin’

Though I have mad flow, I ain’t RAP BLOOD DOPIN’

But it’s time I come out and be reals witch alla you

WHEW, here it goes, OK, I HAD THE FUCKIN’ FLU

When it comes to making friends, I know this news ain’t advantageous

So I waited weeks to tell ya so I’m not at all contagious

I cannot believe I got it, since I’m such a germaphobie

But I had all of these symptoms (POP THIS SHIT UP ON ADOBE)

I always wash my hands, and got a flu shot as well

Bitch, I married a doctor simply for the free Purell

I’ll explain how it went down so that you can all avert it

This is how I got the flu, I NOW WILL PUBLIC HEALTH ALERT IT

It was just a normal night, I was feelin’ good and perky

On the phone with my mom, mackin’ on some TURKEY JERKY

My ma’s all, “Whachu eating?” And I’m like, “Jerkey, of course”

STOP JUDGING ME, MOM, “IT’S A GOOD LEAN PROTEIN SOURCE”

“Well, you sound a little sick,” my mother had to denote

“I just have turkey jerky ALL UP IN MY THROAT”

I tried to clear it out and then let out a cough,

“It’s the motha fuckin’ jerky! UGH MOM, BACK OFF”

She’s like, “I’m gonna hang up, but you’re sounding rather fluish”

And I’m like, “I’MMA HANG UP, YOU SOUNDIN’ MOTHERLY AND JEWISH”

So I put down the phone, took a breath and regrouped

And I turn on CNN “HEY SEXY LIL’ SANJAY GUPT“

He was talkin’ bout the flu and said, “The symptoms come on quickly”

And all of the sudden, bitch, I started feelin’ sickly

My body got real shaky and my muscles started achin’

I looked like Liam Neeson’s daughter’s friend in fuckin’ TAKEN

(the original, BUT PROBABLY TAKEN 2 TOO, BITCH)

My temperature clocked in at a hundred and TWO

BITCH I MOTHAFUCKIN’ HAD THE FUCKIN’ MOTHAFUCKIN’ FLU

I spent the next week in a little fetal tuck

It wasn’t the jerky, my ma was right, motha FUCK

And the rest of the week, this was pretty much my story

I spend entire days in my bed with Roma Torre

All the comics would make jokes about the flu and when they went, “So you’ve heard about this flu?”

I would eek out a “REPRESENT”

I had an awesome dream my bestie was Maria Shriver

And I dreamt they gave a talk show to that host guy from Survivor

I spent five days in bed and was all sweaty and dirty

I looked just like the tortured guy in ZERO DARK THIRTY

Most people’s flus went longer, but my symptoms started slowin’

That’s because I had a flu shot, THANK YOU DOCTOR BARRY COHEN

So the moral of the story is, it just ain’t worth the plight

Wash your hands, get a flu shot, and your mother’s always right

Although, I will admit, I felt relaxed and kinda thin

And probably the trendiest that I’ve ever been

And even though I lost a week and was feeling really shitty

I think we can agree that I looked real frickin’ pretty.

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1 Comment

Holiday Recap, Bitch.

‘Twas the holiday season, so I took a little breather

For New Years and for Christmas, (even though I’m no believer)

So everybody clap your hands and maybe shake a titty

And I’ll tell you ’bout my holidays RIGHT HERE IN NEW YORK CITY

The greatest city in the world, at the best of the year

Christmas day’s my favorite when I spend it UP IN HERE

I made some coffee in my Chemex which I bought at Sur La Table

And hopped aboard the train to see LES FUCKIN’ MISERABLES

The only tickets I could get required us to travel down

DON’T UNDERESTIMATE HOW MANY JEWS LIVE HERE UPTOWN

Now, this is real embarrassing, I am quite ashamed to tout

I had never seen the show, I never knew what it’s about

I know, I know, I’m sorry, on Yom Kippur I’ll repent

But for now, I saw the movie, SO I’LL TELL YOU HOW IT WENT

Jean Valjean stole what must’ve been some really damn good bread

Fantine becomes a whore because of her enormous head

She sings and cries real hard and it’s emotionally draining

And she let the cameraman fulfill his endoscopic training

I thought I heard a sheep with Parkinson’s, but that was just Cosette

And I felt bad for Eponine, so single, and so wet

The rebels fought on mounds of furniture, just asking for an injury

While Marius was hiding that he’s really rich and ging ery

Javert falls real far to the water down below

And I kinda didn’t mind, I couldn’t listen to him CROWe

They all die and wave a flag and sing a big ol’ song

You should go, but bring a catheter, it’s eighteen hours long

And so we left the movie and the streets were calm and placid

And we made our way to Chinatown and each popped an antacid

As Jewish folk, we’re prone to acid reflux damn disease

And we’re also prone on Christmas day to eat some DAMN CHINESE

I thought we’d go downtown and celebrate Chinese ethnicity

So we went to Spicy Village, bitch, I’m all ’bout authenticity

We got the big hot pot of chicken from a waitress who was toneless

But it freaked my Jew boy out cuz HE PREFERS HIS CHICKEN BONELESS

Which brings me to the new year, bitch, you just would not believe

What it’s like to be in NYC on NEW YEARS FUCKIN’ EVE

You’ll pay a ton at shitty restaurants, fixed menus and bad food

Bitch, I wouldn’t pay that much for Daniel fuckin’ BOULUD

You could pay a ton for parties and before the bubbly’s popped

You’re surrounded by obnoxious kids whose own balls haven’t dropped

And you kiss someone at midnight cuz you think that sounds like fun

And you start the new year off with herpes simplex TYPE ONE

We totally were gonna go to a crazy rager

But my husband is a doctor, it’d be hard to hear his pager

So we stayed in our apartment, locked the deadbolt on the door

And we had our favorite new years, which I really do adore

We order tons of shitty tacos, the worst we can obtain

And pair them with a bottle of fantastic-ass champagne

And we eat and drink and get into a gassy drunken stupor

And watch some Kathy Griffin and a giggly Andy Cooper

I find the best of holidays are drama-free and braless

And spent with the one I the love most–these holidays were flawless

So there you have my full recap, from Christmas to the ball

And a very happy new year from Jap Rapper to y’all.

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2 Comments

Party Foul, Bitch.

Ho Ho Ho, bitch! ‘Tis the fuckin’ season

To throw a fuckin’ party for just any rhyme or reason

Time to take a vacay (or pretend and wear some bronzer)

And light all of the lights for Jesus, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaar

But before you head out and party with your friends or firms

I feel I need to teach you to spread CHEER and not your GERMS

I’ve rapped to you before ’bout how to keep from getting sick

But there’s one germy threat happ’nin’ at parties IN PARTIC

Now I’m not a fan of parties, though I know most of you are

I’d rather eat Chinese and watch The View on DVR

But I always end up going cuz I’m not a fuckin’ flake

I go to spread the joy, but bitch, I mostly go for CAKE

Actually I prob’ly should be slightly more specific

I could do without the cake itself, but FROSTING IS TERRIFIC

Open bars are nice, but bitch, ain’t nothing more enticing

Than a fuckin’ slice of cake with a WHOLE SHIT-TON OF ICING

And my husband won’t eat frosting! NOPE! The cake part’s all he eats

That’s why we got married, bitch, ECONOMY OF TREATS

He know’s all he’s got do if he wants to get some nookie

Is to let me make a bitch out of a BLACK & WHITE COOKIE (only the white side, duh)

And so I’m here to tell you all something that really makes me scowl

My number one all time biggest fuckin’ party foul

It’s an issue that dates back to when I was a lil’ child

When the coolest girl in school had this birthday that was wild

At that roller skating rink with the disco lights for Thriller

The coolest kids in school were there, the GOODIE BAGS WERE KILLER

And then her mom brought out the cake–it was white with chocolate drizzle

There was tons of fuckin’ frosting, bitch, this cake was off the HIZZLE

And her mom cut her the first piece, which of course I thought was fine

Do I really need to tell you who was fucking next in line?

And then the most horrific thing I had seen in my young life

Her mothafuckin’ mom LICKED the MOTHAFUCKIN’ KNIFE!

She put the knife back in the cake and my eyes were wide with horror

She cut me off a piece and my jaw dropped on the FLOORER

I watched her do it ever time, licking all that fucking frosting

And I simply couldn’t eat the cake, THAT SHIT WAS DISGOSTING

Which brings us to last week when I was faced with this aGAIN

Now I’m all adult and shit, toasting my champagne

When all of the sudden I got real enthusiastic

When they brought out a cake that looked FUCKING FANTASTIC

This cake looked so amazing, it looked like an utter dream

With tons of salted caramel fuckin’ buttercream

The bartender began to cut amidst my great emotion

And all of the sudden things just went into slow motion

He wiped the knife off on his hand and of course my gaze did linger

As he slowly sucked the frosting off of EVERY FUCKING FINGER

It was like a fucking crime, I shoulda called the dang police

As he went and stuck those hands in every motherfuckin’ piece

Pensively I took my slice, and perhaps it was the booze

But I knew cake was something that was just too good to lose

And that shit was so damn good, you guys, I swear I’d give fellatio

To the baker who decided on that frosting to cake ratio

And I’m glad I stretched my bounds a bit, this Hanukkah I grew

But this entire fuckin’ week I’ve had the mothafuckin’ flu

So simply to avoid this very tragic party foul

I urge you to use protection, wipe your knife off on a towel

And that girl whose mom was gross, well, she turned out kinda groovy

You can all see her this Christmas starring in that Les Miz movie

(Totally kidding, it wasn’t Anne Hathaway. But it would be crazy if it was, right?)

word.

Thanksgiving, Bitch.

Yo I gots a secret I gotta reveal

I never told nobody this, I don’t know how they gonna feel

Let me first make clear, I don’t want any misgivings

I MOTHAFUCKIN’ LOVE ME MOTHAFUCKIN’ THANKSGIVINGS (yeah, ALL of them)

I love that dang parade with that monkey made of sock

And I’ve got a thing for pilgrims, bitch, they MAKE MY PLYMOUTH ROCK

But the one thing that might leave you just LITTLE BIT murky

BITCH I fuckin’ HATE fuckinmothafuckin’ TURKEY

Not not to get all Freudian, a rapper never should

But I think my turkey loathing dates back to my childhood

See my Jewish mother loved me quite a mothafuckin’ bunch

And to ensure I got my protein packed me turkey for lunch

At first I didn’t mind, I’d just unpack my lunch and chew it

But as Jewish mothers often do, mine tends to overdo it

The turkey grew and grew to make sure that I was fed

All the sudden that dang sandwich was as big as my damn head

I was just a little girl, did she really think I’d eat a

Fuckin’ half a pound of turkey stuffed into a MINI PITA?

Kids would watch me eat it every day for years and years

And I’d be all covered in turkey smell and mustard (and some tears)

I tried to tell my mother that the turkey was for rookies

Why couldn’t she be cool and pack me SNACKWELL FUCKIN’ COOKIES?

But I’d lug around that turkey really looking like a fool

And that’s the reason why I wasn’t popular in school (and this, and maybe this)

So when I sit down at Thanksgiving I say, “Mmmm this turkey’s GREAT!”

But little do they know I ain’t got NONE upon my plate

All throughout the years I’ve gotten really good at bluffing

So that nobody would know I eat ENTIRE PLATES OF STUFFING

I see that bowl of stuffing and my lil eyeball twinkles

It’s my second favorite food group, next, of course, to RAINBOW SPRINKLES

My favorite kind of stuffing? Now, that’s up to some debate

But I love so many kinds, so bitch, I DON’T DISCRIMINATE

I once had a cornbread kind thanks to that Al Roker fella

And I tasted chestnut stuffing, LOVE FREE SAMPLES, CITARELLA

But my favorite’s challah stuffing, bitch, that always is a hit

I’m telling you I’d take a bath ALL UP IN THAT SHIT

My mom-in-law’s is so good, may require 5-star Yelping

NO I DO NOT MIND IF I TAKE A SEVENTH ANOTHER HELPING

My guy and I, we love to eat, but today our tastes get clashy

He loves his Thanksgiving food real mothafuckin’ trashy

The whole rest of the year he loves the Michelin man

But he won’t eat cranberries that aren’t shaped just like the can

And he loves to fill his plate with that nasty greenish slop

He loves that green bean casserole FRENCH’S ONIONS ON THE TOP

But man, I’m thankful for him, and for my dad and brother

And I’m really fuckin’ thankful for my turkey lovin’ mother

Who always really cared ’bout the nutrition that I got

If you measured love in turkey, then she sure loves me a lot

So go and eat your dishes, I hope you do adore ’em

And eat them with your loved ones and tell them you’re thankful for ’em

And thanks to all of you who read my silly little words

Now I’ve gots to eat my stuffing–bitch, that turkey’s for the birds

Gobble.

1 Comment

Jap Rap

This Jew girl's got flow…and it ain't regular.

Author Archives: japrap

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