Tag Archives: Health
10
It’s summer and you think I’m gonna rap ’bout somethin’ lotional
Today’s a little different, y’all, forgive me if I’m ‘motional
Let’s take a little breather, slow it down and maybe park it
Put away your kale from your co-op hipster market
Let’s gather like it’s Pesach, all my sisters and my brothers
While I tell you why this night is so much DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHERS
So let’s all listen up, just relax or take a pill
And I’ll tell y’all the story cuz this shit ’bout to get RIL
Ten years ago today, in his junior year of college
Was a Jewey little pre-med who was fillin’ up with knowledge
(And frat parties and beer, but like, he was young and bonery
and KINDA maybe KINDA SORTA just a LITTLE stonery)
And while the other kids at Michigan sang “Hail to the VIC”
He was singin, “HAELLL, you guys, I feel kinda SICK”
He went and got some blood tests and was soon faced with the answer
And headed to the hospital with motherfucking cancer
When you go off to college, you might worry ’bout bulimia
And OBVIOUSLY herpes, but for real y’all, LEUKEMIA?
He did chemo, radiation, and the outcome still looked narrow
The kid needed a transplant of like, ALL of his bone marrow
He comes from this great family, they’re there for one another
And luckily he found a match in his little brother
(On a side note, join the donor list, PREACH THAT, Doctor Oz,
It’s tough to match minorities like blacks and ASHKENAZ)
In the midst of this he met a girl, which might sound real alarming
He may have been all bald and sick but WORKED it, and was charming
They chatted on IM (You remember that? I’m old…)
And she was super awesome, or like, that’s what I am told
They counted down his quarantine, the hurdles and the hoops
Their first kiss sent him to the hospital–can I get an OOPS?
So she asked him how long it would be till he’s out of the wood?
And he said 10 years post-transplant would be like, REALLY REALLY good
Ten years seemed like forever, so they just went on with life
They finished school, started careers, and then the girl became his wife
If you measure life in love LIKE RENT, then they had lots of wealth
And were thankful every day, for each other, and their health
And the boy became a cancer doc, yea, that deserves some clapping
The girl became an actress and she dabbles in Jew rapping
And though you can’t say ten whole years ever goes by fast
The day they waited for so long is finally here at last
I’m jappy rappy, never sappy, but these years have been a whirl
I’m so grateful for this guy, and I’m so lucky I’m his girl
If the cheesiness ain’t too much yet, well, now I’m ’bout to ruin it
Know where he’s at work today? The bone marrow transplant unit
He says fate can gently guide you, but sometimes it’s a firm push
And he’s one hell of a doctor, and has one hell of a tush
I try not to rap too personal, I usually berate it
But when life gives you a gift like this, you have to celebrate it
Life is full of ups and downs, it comes with hope and doubt
And there’s times when you should have your cake and blow your candles out
Happy 10 years, my sweet love, you took cancer and you beat it
Today’s the day you’ll have your cake and motherfuckin’ eat it
So let’s all celebrate today, even just a sliver
Cuz I have got a cake I’ve waited ten years to deliver
word.
A Confession, Bitch.
Yo, I’ve got a confession you can add to your roster
No, I’m not “single,” sorry, Jodie frickin’ Foster
And the rumors aren’t true, sorry those who were hopin’
Though I have mad flow, I ain’t RAP BLOOD DOPIN’
But it’s time I come out and be reals witch alla you
WHEW, here it goes, OK, I HAD THE FUCKIN’ FLU
When it comes to making friends, I know this news ain’t advantageous
So I waited weeks to tell ya so I’m not at all contagious
I cannot believe I got it, since I’m such a germaphobie
But I had all of these symptoms (POP THIS SHIT UP ON ADOBE)
I always wash my hands, and got a flu shot as well
Bitch, I married a doctor simply for the free Purell
I’ll explain how it went down so that you can all avert it
This is how I got the flu, I NOW WILL PUBLIC HEALTH ALERT IT
It was just a normal night, I was feelin’ good and perky
On the phone with my mom, mackin’ on some TURKEY JERKY
My ma’s all, “Whachu eating?” And I’m like, “Jerkey, of course”
STOP JUDGING ME, MOM, “IT’S A GOOD LEAN PROTEIN SOURCE”
“Well, you sound a little sick,” my mother had to denote
“I just have turkey jerky ALL UP IN MY THROAT”
I tried to clear it out and then let out a cough,
“It’s the motha fuckin’ jerky! UGH MOM, BACK OFF”
She’s like, “I’m gonna hang up, but you’re sounding rather fluish”
And I’m like, “I’MMA HANG UP, YOU SOUNDIN’ MOTHERLY AND JEWISH”
So I put down the phone, took a breath and regrouped
And I turn on CNN “HEY SEXY LIL’ SANJAY GUPT“
He was talkin’ bout the flu and said, “The symptoms come on quickly”
And all of the sudden, bitch, I started feelin’ sickly
My body got real shaky and my muscles started achin’
I looked like Liam Neeson’s daughter’s friend in fuckin’ TAKEN
(the original, BUT PROBABLY TAKEN 2 TOO, BITCH)
My temperature clocked in at a hundred and TWO
BITCH I MOTHAFUCKIN’ HAD THE FUCKIN’ MOTHAFUCKIN’ FLU
I spent the next week in a little fetal tuck
It wasn’t the jerky, my ma was right, motha FUCK
And the rest of the week, this was pretty much my story
I spend entire days in my bed with Roma Torre
All the comics would make jokes about the flu and when they went, “So you’ve heard about this flu?”
I would eek out a “REPRESENT”
I had an awesome dream my bestie was Maria Shriver
And I dreamt they gave a talk show to that host guy from Survivor
I spent five days in bed and was all sweaty and dirty
I looked just like the tortured guy in ZERO DARK THIRTY
Most people’s flus went longer, but my symptoms started slowin’
That’s because I had a flu shot, THANK YOU DOCTOR BARRY COHEN
So the moral of the story is, it just ain’t worth the plight
Wash your hands, get a flu shot, and your mother’s always right
Although, I will admit, I felt relaxed and kinda thin
And probably the trendiest that I’ve ever been
And even though I lost a week and was feeling really shitty
I think we can agree that I looked real frickin’ pretty.
word.
Jap Rap 