In Charge, Bitch.

When I was a kid, I was prolly six or seven

My mama said three words to me that sounded just like heaven

At only three feet tall I was feelin’ rather large

When my ma turned to my bro and me and told me, “You’re in charge”

She was going to our neighbor’s house for only ’bout an hour

But bitch, I was in charge, and I felt a sense of power

‘Twas the very first time she had left us home alone

She left a list of numbers on the fridge right by the phone

I shouldn’t need to use them, that was really the main goal

But if I Windexed my bro again I’d call POISON CONTROL

So she kissed us both goodbye and then I grabbed the damn remote

“I’m in charge,” I told my brother, “that means you don’t get a vote”

“We are gonna watch some Snick, so don’t even try to switch”

When you’re in charge, motha fuckas, then your BROTHER IS YOUR BITCH

“Head into the kitchen and go get your sis a snack,

And then we’ll watch the FUCKIN’ SECRET WORLD OF ALEX MACK”

So we’re sittin’ watchin’ Snick with some salsa and some chips

When unbeknownst to me my little finger kinda slips

And before I could do anything to stop the commotion

The chip tumbles to the floor in fuckin’ SALSA SLOW MOTION

I shoulda used some napkins or some towels just to tarp it

But instead I dropped the salsa on my parents’ NEW WHITE CAPET

I wanted to scream but I couldn’t be so manic

I was in charge, motha fucka, so I COULDN’T INDUCE PANIC

“WE HAVE TO STAY CALM” I assured to my little brother

So I grabbed to contact list and I CALLED MY GRANDMOTHER

“You know how to get a stain out?” and she told me, “You bet!

Your mom will clean it up, but until then, just keep it wet”

So I hung up the phone and I had no other choice

But to keep this damn stain wet, THANKS A MILLION GRANDMA JOYCE

I thought to call my mom, but then I though, well fuck it

I would show her I’m responsible, so I went and got a bucket

I filled it up with water in the little bathroom sink

But I knew I could do better, THINK, ALY, THINK!

I’m not sure why but next I screamed, “LET’S TAKE OFF ALL OUR CLOTHES”

And I ran out in the back and lugged inside the GARDEN HOSE


And I ran to and from the bathroom pouring buckets on top

We were goin for an hour, my brother’s finger got a blister


My mom came home an hour later to her precious son and daughter

Screaming fully naked in a foot of standing water

She turned her glance to me and asked me why I didn’t call her

For a salsa stain the size of fuckin’ silver dollar

As the days passed and the floor began to dry

The floor swelled into a mountain that, like me, was three feet high

And therefore, thanks to me, my parents got a den replacement

And cuz the water went below they also got a BRAND NEW BASEMENT

And I see my mom’s new carpeting, and when I look upon it

I get a sense of pride because there AIN’T NO SALSA ON IT

So many years have passed and I have moved on with my life

I watch Alex Mack on Mad Men, bitch, she plays KEN COSGROVE’S WIFE

I’m in charge all the time, and get undressed when home alone

And I drop shit all the time, bitch, I’m still ACCIDENT PRONE

But when I drop some salsa now, no one groans or growls

I’ve got hardwood floors, bitch, and a ton of paper towels