Trust, Bitch.

Yo sometimes I leave town when I’m doin’ a show

And bitch, I miss my husband like, more than you know

Without me he’s so sad, he’s prob’ly home singin’ a ballad

And crying lonely tears into our FAVORITE TACO SALAD

And he’ll be sitting there confused and really feeling a loss

Cuz I’m the one who always orders extra SPICY YELLOW SAUCE

What if he’s so lonely he just takes up Dianetics?

I’m a worrier, bitch, THANK YOU JEWISH GENETICS

But I don’t worry ’bout him cheating, he’s too good to scratch that itch

And I hung posters ’round Manhattan warning I WILL CHOKE A BITCH

So all them ladies in New York know that they BETTA stay real far

Yeah, they know it like they know Dan Smith will TEACH THEM THE GUITAR

And though I’m doin’ MY thang, I just can’t seem to forget

All my worries that his needs aren’t bein’ mothafuckin’ MET

So the other day I’m worryin’ that he’s at home unstable

When my phone rings with an email from our friends at OPENTABLE

If you don’t use OpenTable, then yous GOTSTA be insane

Bitch, we NEED our reservations, we ain’t ANTHONY BOURDAIN

And the emails come to me, not because I am imperious

We’re just Jewish and we take our OpenTable points FOR SERIOUS

“Table for 2, Friday night,” a confirmation

With an email like that, one might resort to castration

(For me, it put an end to my past week of constipation)

And then my email rings AGAIN! Who’s it from? Bitch, are you curious?

Fandango.com! Two seats for FAST and FUCKIN’ FURIOUS

And fast and furious was I, all my trust flew out the door

My heart goes racing wildly, I’m gonna kill this whore

My hands shook as I dialed, cuz the news kinda impaled me

But it only rang through twice–OH NO HE DIN-UNT—HE VOICEMAILED ME!

So I sent that boy a text like, “MOTHERFUCKER–WHERE YOU ARE??”

Typing…Typing…he’s like, “DYLAN’S mothafuckin’ CANDY BAR!”

And my anger turned to sadness, this shit REALLY hurt my fillins

That’s our very special thing–PRE-MOVIE mothafuckin’ DYLAN’S

He knows the mix I like: gummies bottom, chocolate middle,

Topped with TONS of sour shit, and like, ONE Sour Skittle

He knows that once I dig in, I just giggle like I’m tickerish

When the perfect ‘mout of sour gets on that AUSTRALIAN LICORICE

And basically, he knows that when he makes that mix of candy

There’s 100% success rate that he’ll prolly get a handy

Just right then phone rang, it was him and I was seething

But I calmly said hello and I practiced LAMAZE BREATHING

(NO, Mom…no)

“Whatcha doin’ tonight?” He’s like, “A movie and a drinkler”

“OH YEAH??” “WITH WHOM? ” He’s says, “With FUCKIN’ Jason FUCKIN’ Finkler”*

 (*not exactly a direct quote I don’t think)

(AND BITCH, you BETTA know your WHO from WHOM–sorry for the pause,

BUT YOU GOTSTA KNOW use WHOM when it’s the OBJECT OF A CLAUSE)

“JASON FINKLER??” I said, and I felt like such a sucker

“JASON FINKLER!” he says, “IT’S A MAN DATE, MOTHER FUCKER”*

(*again, not like 100% sure that was the exact quote)

“Fandango and Dylans?” I say, “Those are OUR routines!”

He’s like, “I changed the mix cuz Jason really likes his JELLY BEANS”

“Did you get two separate bags?” He’s all, “No–we’re gonna share”

“We’ll just put it on the armrest of the MOTHAFUCKIN’ chair”

“And OpenTable for a man date? Dudes just go to burger joints!”

He’s like, “Baby, I am serious ABOUT MY FUCKIN’ POINTS”*

(*actually this may have been a direct quote)

So I told him, “Go have fun with Jason Finkler on your date”

“And call me when it’s over, and Aar–don’t stay out too late”

I then put down my phone, so ashamed I freaked and fussed

When I know I married my best friend, whoM I can always trust

And really, was I worried that someone would date and kiss him?

Nah–truth is when I’m gone, I simply really fuckin’ miss him

And while I’m here it’s nice to know he’s taken care of by good friends

And Finkler, if you cared, perhaps some nookie when it ends

Jason, I’m just kidding you, you know I like to joke ya

(Cuz Finkler if you did, you saw the signs, I’D FUCKIN’ CHOKE YA)

And Fast and Furious? I’d NEVER, even if you paid me MILLINS

(Or I’d see it for a handy and two pounds from fuckin’ Dylan’s)

word.

222814_904360891545_1280311_n(Names have been changed to protect the totally innocent Jordan fuckin’ Finkler)

Allergies, Bitch.

Yo you’re sneezy and itchy, and I’ll tell you the reason

It’s that time of year, bitch, IT’S ALLERGY SEASON

Now, I’m kinda an expert, cuz of course I get them too

Bitch, allergies are part of what it means to be a JEW

So I feel like it’s my duty just to lay out some terms

‘Bout how yous gots to be responsible with your fuckin’ GERMS

I can’t tell you how often I be yellin’ BITCH PLEASE

When y’all don’t cover up when you motha fuckin’ SNEEZE

You should be prepared, it shouldn’t come as a surprise

Lee Goldberg’s AccuWeather forecast says when pollen levels RISE

Ever since the Civil War, both the Rebels and the Yankees

Took a break from slaves and killing to catch sneezes in their HANKIES

And you bet drinking and schtuppin’ dont’ be stoppin Don Draper

From catchin’ his damn sexy snot in a piece of TISSUE PAPER

We’ve got new guidelines now, bitch you know what I mean

This ain’t the nineteen hundreds, this two thousand and THIRTEEN

So if you don’t have a kleenex, bitch, don’t act all naive

Simply sneeze in your elbow–yeah girl–your UPPER SLEEVE

Gone are the days of sneezin’ in your hand

That’s how cholera spread throughout many a land

Yes, your nasty-ass cough could wipe out the whole nation

Either that or put a damper on my POST-PASSOVER VACATION

You bet the girl on the plane wasn’t havin’ much fun

When a dude coughed and gave her herpes simplex TYPE ONE

And I heard about a chick who sneezed and touched the subway bars

Then the whole fuckin N train got mother fuckin’ SARS

And another time a mom snotted on her kid’s strolla

And all them kids in playgroup ended up gettin’ EBOLA

You betta believe it, all these stories are true

And the way we stop the germs, bitch, it begins with YOU

So sneeze in your sleeve, and then wash your hands real well

And then marry a doctor simply for the FREE PURELL

And now you know when you feel your nose itch

Take care of your germs, or else I will choke a bitch

Word.

Equality, Bitch.

So I’m riding on the subway with my fellow Jews & goys

And sitting right across I see these gorgeous little boys

They were riding on the 6 train with this chick who was their nanny

(No, not cuz they’re Hispanic and this chick is Pakistani)

I heard her tellin’ someone she’s a nanny and a bassist

I didn’t make assumptions, bitch, I AIN’T NO NANNY RACIST

They were playing nice and quietly with little cars and boats

And dressed up so adorably in MATCHING MONCLER COATS

They were munching on some healthy snacks, a little veggie crudo

They looked like tiny 4-year-old MEMBERS OF MENUDO

As I looked into their gorgeous eyes and perfect dimpled grins

I whispered, “Motherfucker.  THOSE ARE RICKY MARTIN’S TWINS.”

Bitch, I’m well-versed in celeb kids (I once saw Bronx Mowgli Wentz)

And Ricky Martin’s on the East Side SO THE 6 TRAIN WOULD MAKE SENSE!

Of course I kept real quiet (didn’t wanna seem a dork)

Bitch, that’s just how you roll when YOU ARE FUCKIN’ FROM NEW YORK

(Well, I’m actually from Cleveland, but I’m sayin’ that’s how I WOULD in fact roll, if I was actually from New York) (bitch)

And speaking of New York, there is no place I’d rather be

Than where these two boys and their dads can be a fuckin’ family

I looked right at these happy kids, how nicely they were seated

And I thought about some news of late and got real fuckin’ heated

I promised long ago I wouldn’t make this blog political

But this shit isn’t politics–BITCH, I ain’t hypocritical

Keeping anyone from marrying just really gets me fumin’

I told ya, it ain’ politics, it’s simply fuckin’ HUMAN

Folks comparing beastiality to people who are gay!?!?

If anyone’s unfit to parent it’s the ones who think that way

Politicians cheering Chick-fil-a, all in the name of God?

And what if Track or Trig were gay?? Or (more likely)Todd?

The best thing we can give this world, so far and above

Is to let us all live equally and openly with love

I left train and smiled at Matteo and his brother (Valentino. duh.)

Who on earth would keep their dads from fuckin’ marrying each other?

Bitch, I fucking love my husband, our bond is crazy thick

I’d SO marry him again, even if he were a chick

Love is simply love, gay or straight, New York or Boca

And for two people in love to wed? That vida sure ain’t loca

I walked home and I thought about how much I find it bothering

How anyone could question love and question loving fathering

NPH and David Burtka, Ellen, Portia, Cam & Mitch?

If anyone keeps them from marrying, I’ll fuckin’ choke a bitch

I got home and went online for just a little decompression

And I wrote this lil’ rap for you in true PASSIVE AGGRESSION

And I Google Image searched a pic of Ricky and his tots

And I found one from that very day!  I’M LIKE GONNA PLOTZ

He was walking through an airport, kids in hand and standing tall

And I zoomed in on the boys  AND THEY WEREN’T WHO I SAW AT ALL

They were acting like his kids, one on each leg so tightly latching

BUT IT JUST CAN’T BE SO! THEIR JACKETS AREN’T EVEN MATCHING

They had no designer clothes and no Evita paraphernalia

And they weren’t on the 6 train–THEY WERE FUCKING IN AUSTRALIA

So my boys weren’t Ricky Martin’s kids, as far as I can tell

But I’m sure they have gay dads–they just were dressed too fucking well

No matter who their parents are, why not let them wed?

I logged onto my Facebook, seems we all be seeing red

Other people’s love is good, please don’t be a hater

Don’t be a Scalia, be a Kagan or RUTH BADER

Let’s keep our fingers crossed that we will see the end of DOMA

And see some FAB new registries at Williams and Sonoma

And let’s all teach our kids to love, they hear what we’re impartin’

Do it for the greater good (and for Ricky Martin)

Word.japequality

Menstrual Man, Bitch.

If you’re livin’ with a lady, then you know there’s nothing worse

Than that one week of the month when she gets the fuckin’ CURSE

No matter what you say, there will always be a fight

For that week (and more) you’re wrong, I mean, ladies, am I right?

So don’t bother with affection, you’re just wasting all your doting

Cuz we’d rather be alone with our Chipotle, gas, and bloating

And though I do want that burrito, I’m not trying to brag

But I really don’t get moody when I’m on the fuckin’ RAG

Now, please don’t be mistaken, thinkin’ that’s so advantageous

Because lately I’m convinced that menstrual symptoms are contagious

I have lots of detailed evidence, I’m sharing just a kernel

I’MMMA publish all this shit in the New England fuckin’ JOURNAL

It’s a medical wonder, but to you I will confess:

That when I get my ladies, my man gets the PMS

I think the estrogen just floats around and does a little switchy

I get the zits and bloating and my husband GETS THE BITCHY

Don’t get me wrong, he is a dude, all manly and testicular

But on that one week he’s stubborn and he’s so crazily particular

He’s perfect all the other weeks, with hardly any flaws

So I’ll put up with all this shit UNTIL WE MENOPAUSE

I could tell so many stories cuz the instances are ample

But here is just the latest–I’M ‘BOUT TO GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE:

Last weekend we went out of town to see our good friends marry

Our flight was Friday evening when the traffic can be hairy

We planned to cab it straight from work which was already quite darin’

But we couldn’t miss this wedding MAZEL TOV TO BEN AND ARYN

So Friday morning when he left for work, my guy knew he’d been meaning

To drop of his enormous load of dirty damn dry cleaning

‘Twas seven in the morning and of course he had supposed

That the cleaners would be open, but bitch, they were fuckin’ closed

Hong’s Cleaners is his favorite, whether April, June, or March

He goes there all year long because he LOVES THE WAY THEY STARCH

He passed by 5 other stores because their starch is “reprehensible”

So he brought that shit to work, he’s a doctor AND SO SENSIBLE

So the patients that were crying that their cancer really hurts

Were prob’ly thrilled to see their doctor AND HIS FUCKIN’ DIRTY SHIRTS

I should mention we’ve no laundry bag, so don’t misunderstand, NO

He had his shirts all free and loose: DRY CLEANING COMMANDO

But of course he came up with a plan, never once forgetting

That he wasn’t going home that night, but flying to a wedding

He’d hop right in a cab, we had a flight and we would catch it

He’d meet me with his dry cleaning and like a WIFE I’d fetch it

I drop it with my doorman who’s all, “Someone come and getting it??”

I yell back, “YEP,” jump in the cab, already regretting it

I say, “Let’s call the cleaners, not leave shirts there in obscurity”

And he’s like, “NO! WE HAVE TO WAIT ‘TIL WE GET THROUGH SECURITY”

I sigh, “OK” and didn’t say, “THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE”

Cuz all these years have taught me YOU CAN’T REASON WITH THE MENSE

Now the best thing you can do is get a menstrual one some grub

Like the baller that I am I got us in the DELTA CLUB

At this point PMS was really getting kinda scary

So I go straight to the bar and get my man a bloody mary

When your man has PMS and he starts to get real colicky

Get him something spicy, pickled, and REAL alcoholicky

I snuck away to call the cleaners and I left my guy alone

(With 3 packets of Nutella and some HUMMUS IN A CONE)

So I go look up the number thinking Google’d be of help

But I couldn’t find Hong’s Cleaners there, NOT EVEN ON YELP

Nervously I searched and searched and then to my surpriser

HONG TEAM CLEANERS! THANK YOU SO MUCH, TRIP ADVISOR!

The guy answers the phone and I can’t understand a word

English isn’t his first language IT’S HIS MOTHA FUCKIN’ THIRD

I say my last name and address maybe six or seven times

I’d repeat what he yelled back but THERE AIN’T NO WAY THAT IT RHYMES

We go back and forth for minutes and now both of us are yelling

Who’d be picking up our clothes? There really was no way of telling

The chances it’d be Hong you’d think are looking rather slim, huh?

But otherwise he would have brought his LAUNDRY TO A SIMCHA

I look back at my guy who was three bloody marys deep

We stepped aboard the plane and went to MOTHAFUCKIN’ SLEEP

We had a lovely weekend, danced and drank the wine of Bacchus

We celebrated Ben and Aryn, OMG you guys, SUCH NACHES

We got back home that Sunday, took the bus from LGA

And we walked home from the bus stop and passed Hong along the way

They are always closed on Sundays, but my eye did catch their awning

And my jaw dropped to the ground (but I pretended I was yawning)

Their phone number was on it, though the digits were quite small

I knew that wasn’t who I called–UM LIKE NOT EVEN AT ALL

The shirts weren’t at my building, so who had them was a mystery

But I would crack this case, THANK YOU IPHONE CALLER HISTORY

I snuck on my computer and I got the fuckin’ hookup

Hong “TEAM” Cleaners, THANK YOU REVERSE FUCKIN’ LOOKUP

Now as far as my guy knew, there were no problems all along

And I’ll never ever tell him that I got the WRONG HONG

Within two fucking blocks how many Hongs could there be?

Well bitch, I learned the hard way that the answer here is THREE

I tracked the cleaning down and the next day went and got it

I took the plastic off and swiftly placed it in the closet

And he never had to know about this tiny little hiccup

And I went back to his Hong and signed his ass up for FREE PICK-UP

He got dressed today and said, “This starch is weird”, OH?? IS IT?!

I just told him to back off because AUNT FLO IS HERE TO VISIT.

word.

I Met Bill Clinton, Bitch.

Yo I write the little raps, y’all, and oftentimes I feel

I gots to trick you all and pull this fuckin’ big reveal

Like that time I made you think I was using toys for lovin’

When really I was rappin’ bout my BREVILLE TOASTER OVEN

Or just last rap I said I had this big thing to confess

And it was that I had flu, (but fo reals I was a mess)

I think some misdirection sometimes is a little nice

Bitch, I love me some red herring LIT-ER-ARY DEVICE

But today I’ll come right out, you don’t need no fuckin’ hintin’

I’ll just say it, OH EM GEE, you guys, I MET BILL FUCKIN’ CLINTON

I just had left the gym, didn’t shower, I just went

I’m all, “Who is gonna see me? Not my FAVORITE PRESIDENT!”

I rocked my Uggs and puffy coat, Lululemon up my crotch

There was funeral traffic, REST IN PEACE TO MAYOR KOCH

So I’m waiting for the bus, just three stops, but that’s just fine

I GOTSTA USE MY MONTHLY ON THE M79

The bus stops right outside this fancy vegan restaurant

But on this afternoon three Escalades were PARKED OUT FRAUUNT

I had eaten there before, I found it gimmicky and faddish

I ordered ravioli, bitch, they made it outta RADDISH

I don’t know about y’all, but when I order ravioli

I don’t like to go home starving and eat MIDNIGHT GUACAMOLE

But after he left office and left Hills to deal with Putin

Billy boy went vegan and he cut down on his GLUTEN

So I’m standing with this Asian woman and her little son

When a guy jumps out the Escalade and then another one

They walk up to the restaurant and open up the door

And then the thing happened THAT I TOLD YOU BOUT BEFORE

BILL CLINTON emerged, bitch, the whole damn world stopped turning

It coulda been my lack of shower, but my underparts were burning

He walked right out the door and the scene played in slow motion

There was just so much to say and I was filled with such emotion

This man was good for everyone, small business and big firms

Our country saw such surplus when Bill Clinton served his terms

He led us from a dark place to unheralded prosperity

He gives hope and with his intellect, he always sheds such clarity

He’s sensible and wise and he always sticks to facts

(He’s a vegan silver fox and he could play me like a sax)

I thought of all these things and I stayed calm with all my might

When before he reached his car, he turned slightly to the right

With security around to make sure no one had a bomb

He walked right to the bus stop, UP TO ME AND ASIAN MOM

I looked into his eyes, like a sea of baby blue

And I melted to a puddle of a little rapping Jew

He extended his hand, with the secret service flanking him

I didn’t know what I should do, so I thought I’d stick to spanking him thanking him

He shook my hand, said, “Nice to meet you,” so gentle and so kind

When all my English words quickly left my little mind

I couldn’t feel my face, I could hardly even hear

So I just smiled with my whole face, bitch, from ear to shining ear

He then shook Asian Mom’s hand and her son’s hand in the middle

And he nodded back at grinning me (I maybe peed a little)

And shaking hands with him, by proxy, probably would mean

That I shook hands with the President of 20damn16

He climbed into his car, and he went along his way

And I thought a lot about the words I never got to say

I just met the greatest leader that our lives may ever know

And THANK YOU, CROSSTOWN BUS, for always being so damn slow

And thank you, Mr. President, I never will forget you

And let’s lay off Lewinsky, folks, cuz Monica, I get you

word.

Holiday Recap, Bitch.

‘Twas the holiday season, so I took a little breather

For New Years and for Christmas, (even though I’m no believer)

So everybody clap your hands and maybe shake a titty

And I’ll tell you ’bout my holidays RIGHT HERE IN NEW YORK CITY

The greatest city in the world, at the best of the year

Christmas day’s my favorite when I spend it UP IN HERE

I made some coffee in my Chemex which I bought at Sur La Table

And hopped aboard the train to see LES FUCKIN’ MISERABLES

The only tickets I could get required us to travel down

DON’T UNDERESTIMATE HOW MANY JEWS LIVE HERE UPTOWN

Now, this is real embarrassing, I am quite ashamed to tout

I had never seen the show, I never knew what it’s about

I know, I know, I’m sorry, on Yom Kippur I’ll repent

But for now, I saw the movie, SO I’LL TELL YOU HOW IT WENT

Jean Valjean stole what must’ve been some really damn good bread

Fantine becomes a whore because of her enormous head

She sings and cries real hard and it’s emotionally draining

And she let the cameraman fulfill his endoscopic training

I thought I heard a sheep with Parkinson’s, but that was just Cosette

And I felt bad for Eponine, so single, and so wet

The rebels fought on mounds of furniture, just asking for an injury

While Marius was hiding that he’s really rich and gingery

Javert falls real far to the water down below

And I kinda didn’t mind, I couldn’t listen to him CROWe

They all die and wave a flag and sing a big ol’ song

You should go, but bring a catheter, it’s eighteen hours long

And so we left the movie and the streets were calm and placid

And we made our way to Chinatown and each popped an antacid

As Jewish folk, we’re prone to acid reflux damn disease

And we’re also prone on Christmas day to eat some DAMN CHINESE

I thought we’d go downtown and celebrate Chinese ethnicity

So we went to Spicy Village, bitch, I’m all ’bout authenticity

We got the big hot pot of chicken from a waitress who was toneless

But it freaked my Jew boy out cuz HE PREFERS HIS CHICKEN BONELESS

Which brings me to the new year, bitch, you just would not believe

What it’s like to be in NYC on NEW YEARS FUCKIN’ EVE

You’ll pay a ton at shitty restaurants, fixed menus and bad food

Bitch, I wouldn’t pay that much for Daniel fuckin’ BOULUD

You could pay a ton for parties and before the bubbly’s popped

You’re surrounded by obnoxious kids whose own balls haven’t dropped

And you kiss someone at midnight cuz you think that sounds like fun

And you start the new year off with herpes simplex TYPE ONE

We totally were gonna go to a crazy rager

But my husband is a doctor, it’d be hard to hear his pager

So we stayed in our apartment, locked the deadbolt on the door

And we had our favorite new years, which I really do adore

We order tons of shitty tacos, the worst we can obtain

And pair them with a bottle of fantastic-ass champagne

And we eat and drink and get into a gassy drunken stupor

And watch some Kathy Griffin and a giggly Andy Cooper

I find the best of holidays are drama-free and braless

And spent with the one I the love most–these holidays were flawless

So there you have my full recap, from Christmas to the ball

And a very happy new year from Jap Rapper to y’all.

word.

Bagels, Bitch.

YO every Sunday morning all we Jews go on a mission

Like Tevye told Lazar Wolf, “THIS SHIT IS OUR TRADITION”

You jump right out of bed (where you are practicing your kagels)

And you get your ass in line to get some MOTHA FUCKIN’ BAGELS

I don’t want no fancy shit, NO THANKS, BAREFOOT CONTESSA

I used to go to H&H but now I go to ESS-A

And fellas, if you want a bitch, before you go and pork her

Take her out for bagels, see if she’s a true New Yorker

You don’t need no background check, no need to check her references

All you need to know is in her FUCKIN’ BAGEL PREFERENCES

Yo don’t want a bitch who goes and orders a dozen

They’ll be bad in 3 hours, eat them HOT NOW, COUSIN

She’ll tell you she’ll just freeze ’em when she gives her big-ass order

Back the fuck away, you’ve found a FUCKIN’ BAGEL HOARDER

If she likes a lot of seeds, I’m talkin’ sesame or poppy

And gets ’em all up in her teeth, then you can bet that bitch is sloppy

You know she’ll be a downer with some deep, depressing ballad

If she orders MOTHAFUCKIN’ WHITEFISH MOTHAFUCKIN’ SALAD

Girls are fun and quirky if they order pumpernickel

She’ll be easy if she gets herself a BIG FULL SOUR PICKLE

Beware of cinnamon raisin, if you know what I mean

They may be real hot but they’re like, SO under eighteen

She’s real Jewey if she asks them, “Can you scoop it out please??”

Yeah, bitch, you’ll get real skinny once you fill that shit with CHEESE

If you wanna bag a shiksa, then you know that you’ll be safe

If she gets bacon on that bagel–LEMME HEAR YA SAY TRAIF

And a bitch who gets a flagel will be sure to take good care of ya

She maximizes overall POTENTIAL SCHMEARING AREA

A bitch who really knows the perfect schmear-to-bagel ratio

In my informal study, tends to give the best fellatio

She knows to spread it evenly, across the whole diameter

She even knows to rap it out in I-AM-BIC PENTAMETER (or really more heptameter…if she’s really awesome)

I can always tell a guy who had a bagel bitch come ova

To me, the smell of love is wholewheat everything and NOVA

And for some extra credit, after you go make your nookie

Forget the cigarette and have a BLACK AND WHITE COOKIE

So why are you still home? Go get some bitches up in here

Get your ass some bagels with some MOTHAFUCKIN SCHMEAR

word.

My View, Bitch.

Yo recently we moved, I’m not sure if you knew

From our first New York apartment with a stunning river view

And we quickly learned our view of New York living was quite slanted

Cuz we took that river view of ours TOTALLY FOR GRANTED

Sure it’s nice to see the sun as if it’s rising just for you

And to watch the boats sail by in the East River, oh so blue brown

But we fell into a habit there, it hardly is a crime

Bitch, we were MOTHA FUCKIN NAKED ALL THE MOTHA FUCKIN TIME

I would wake up every morning, watch the sunrise in euphoria

Nobody could see me (‘cept for sections of Astoria)

I’d drink a cup of coffee and I’d even shake a titty

That was my morning ritual GOOD MORNING NEW YORK CITAAYY

The nearest building was a hospital which hardly was in sight

There was a SLIGHT chance they could see me if my light was on at night

But the chances were so small, that I’d kinda just ignore it

If a patient caught a glimpse of me, no one  was worse off for it

I pretended like that hospital that sorta was in view

Was the one Macaulay Culkin helped in Home Alone PART TWO

I had no turtle doves to give them, but I always was undressed

So every Christmas I’d be sure to flash my DUNCAN’S TOY CHEST

I have a decent rack, and I’m not saying it to gloat

If the sick folks saw, I was FULFILLING MY MITZVOT

Now our new place is real nice and great, please don’t get me wrong

But don’t it always seem to go? (Like in that Joni Mitchell song)

When we are naked and we look out on what used to be the water

Now there’s a family staring back, a mom and dad, a son and daughter

The dad saw me the first time, I wasn’t sure how to behave

I thought, I hadn’t met them yet, I might as well just wave

The nanny and the girl saw my guy and were offended

Old habits do die hard, (let’s say that pun was not intended)

They were sitting at the table doing homework–long division

But she got a bonus lesson plan on Jewish circumcision

The mother saw me once, and she ran away quite frantic

She had never seen a chest that was so Jewishly gigantic

I am trying to improve, but now and then I’m found

So my newest plan of action is to drop right to the ground

There’s nowhere else to hide in that lapse of self control

So I make like a fire drill and  STOP DROP AND ROLL

For them it’s better than a river view, Hudson River’s septic

It’s more fun to watch their neighbor who’s a NUDIST EPILEPTIC

But just the other day, bitch, I think I learned my lesson

When I saw the dad across the way, openly undressin’

And from that point on, I changed my ways, I don’t need no adjustin’

Cuz bitch, I tell you, what I saw was really damn DISGUSTIN’

So I may not have my river view, that chapter sadly ends

But I have my ugly naked guy, LIKE MONICA ON FRIENDS

He’s clothed right now, and he just waved, he caught the look I shot him

Little does he know, I’m fuckin’ naked on the bottom

word.

Bingo, Bitch.

Yo my father always thought it was kinda pathetic

That he raised two healthy kids and neither one was real althetic

My dad played soccer and baseball and he really kicked some ass

But my allergies act up when I get close to FRESH CUT GRASS

I thought the basketball team in junior high would be my mission

But I was only 4 feet tall and called the tryout my AUDITION

I was bound and determined, even if it took forever

To make my daddy proud and find a sporting endeavor

And in college I had finally found the end to my search

Yes, I found all of the answers down at the LOCAL CHURCH

You’re like, “A church? But you are Jewish! Bitch, this must be some mistake”

See, my friend’s boyfriend volunteered there, so they gave us all free cake

Then they rolled out all these tables and the gaming had begun

I had finally found my sport IT WAS BINGO TIME, SON

Before I knew what hit me, I was well into the game

Everyone was 90 but this shiznit was INSANE

It all happened very quickly, when they called 065

“HOLY FUCK BINGOOO” I’d never felt so damn ALIVE

They came and verified my card and I was feelin’ fuckin’ baller

I won the bingo game–what what–THIRTY DOLLAR

I took my money and I left and I shouted, “GEE THANKS!”

To bad-ass ladies outside smoking with their OXYGEN TANKS

So while other kids did keg stands and some Jägerbombs and shot-skis

I spent my college Fridays with my bingo cards and tschotskes

See the old pros all brought rabbit feet and crosses for good luck

I brought a pic of Steven Sondheim and some SKITTLES, MOTHA FUCK

I went to church every Friday like a good Jew girl on Shabbos

Otherwise I’d sit at home and listen to LES MISERABLES

So I’d gamble and eat cake that was free for my consumption

And I’d make my daddy proud, THANK YOU CHURCH OF THE ASSUMPTION

When I moved into the city, though, things weren’t quite the same

Where could a little Jew girl find a friendly Christian game?

So I gave up on my quest and I finally said shalom

And volunteered to call some games down at the Jewish nursing home

They couldn’t hear a thing, but they were really so enthralled

Everybody shouting BINGO at each number that I called

I was charming and so funny and they pooped their pants with laughter

When I would call B4 everyone would yell, “AND AFTER!”

So of course for every ball, I’d come up with some witty line

“The doctor has good news if your tumor is…” (everybody) “B9!”

Sometimes it was too much, and they got a little hyper

Each time that someone won, they would need a brand new diaper

So the other night I tried my luck with some younger cats

When I went to bingo night downtown at Tortilla Flats

I was back in the game! Instead of cake, we had fajitas

And instead of pics of Sondheim I had TONS OF MARGARITAS

I had a lot of fun, but things still were not the same

Cuz all of these young bitches don’t know how to PLAY THE GAME

This girl thought she had bingo so she called it loudly BUT

It was a false alarm, CUZ THAT GIRL’S A STUPID SLUT

This other girl called bingo WHEN SHE STILL NEEDED TWO MORE!

NO YOU DON’T HAVE BINGO, BITCH, YOU STUPID STUPID WHORE

The people I was with were great, but still none of us won

But I have to tell ya, bitch, it was a lot of fuckin’ fun

So although it ain’t the sport my dad had hoped upon his kin

Margaritas with old friends, in my book, always is a win

So go and play some bingo kids, I hope you fill a line

And be sure to think of me next time you get O69

word.

Soda, Bitch.

Yo I’ve thought a lot about it y’all and I am not a fan

Of lil’ Mayor Bloomberg’s motha fuckin’ SODA BAN

I was all about the trans fat rules but now he goes and pounces

On my right to drink a big-ass drink OVER 16 OUNCES

You don’t realize, Mr. Mayor, but you’re really overthrowin’

This Jewey girl’s experience of movie theatre goin’

You’d know that this proposal is not even worth debating

If you knew the role big soda plays in my movie rating

See, the first thing that I do when I see a movie, sister

Is I go and buy a huge-ass drink–A FUCKIN’ DOUBLE-FISTER

I start sippin’ when the movie starts and by the end I know

Whether or not to say this film’s a MUST GO

See, the quality of film is indirectly correlated

To the number of times that I got up and urinated

And I thusly have developed my own movie rating system

You want a few examples? YEAH, YOU GOT IT, BITCH!  I’LL LIST EM:

I never left to pee even though I sat there grunting

When I watched a young Matt Damon mop the floors in Good Will Hunting

Sometimes films are long, but I have my ways to deal

I spent The King’s Speech sitting on my fuckin’ heel

The Departed was amazing so I needed some finagling

I sat glued to my seat simply practicing my kageling

At the remake of King Kong I both peed and took a poo

I peed twice and called my grandma during Transformers PART TWO

I didn’t leave at Up or at Toy Story 3

I simply sat there weeping and just cryin’ out my pee

I made it through the whole damn thing when I saw Inception

But I think I might have dreamt I had a BLADDER INFECTION

So basically, Bloomie, all this nonsense has to stop

This is the USA where we’re free to drink our pop

Put your focus somewhere else, Mike, perhaps on something fiscal

While my Diet Coke and bladder help make me the next Gene Siskel

Wait, hold up, this just in, HOLD THE PHONE, BITCH BE QUIET

This ban is just for REGULAR??? I’m a Jew girl, I DRINK DIET

Y’all are drinking regular? OMG THAT’S GROSS AND LAME

Instead you should be healthy: SUPERSIZE YOUR ASPARTAME

Bloomberg wants to help, he isn’t trying to defeat us

Or we’ll all be Wilford Brimleys dealing with our diabeetus

I gots to go see Magic Mike, I bet I’ll pee before it ends

I’ll skip the Diet Coke and stick to Twizzlers and Depends

word.