Yo my father always thought it was kinda pathetic
That he raised two healthy kids and neither one was real althetic
My dad played soccer and baseball and he really kicked some ass
But my allergies act up when I get close to FRESH CUT GRASS
I thought the basketball team in junior high would be my mission
But I was only 4 feet tall and called the tryout my AUDITION
I was bound and determined, even if it took forever
To make my daddy proud and find a sporting endeavor
And in college I had finally found the end to my search
Yes, I found all of the answers down at the LOCAL CHURCH
You’re like, “A church? But you are Jewish! Bitch, this must be some mistake”
See, my friend’s boyfriend volunteered there, so they gave us all free cake
Then they rolled out all these tables and the gaming had begun
I had finally found my sport IT WAS BINGO TIME, SON
Before I knew what hit me, I was well into the game
Everyone was 90 but this shiznit was INSANE
It all happened very quickly, when they called 065
“HOLY FUCK BINGOOO” I’d never felt so damn ALIVE
They came and verified my card and I was feelin’ fuckin’ baller
I won the bingo game–what what–THIRTY DOLLAR
I took my money and I left and I shouted, “GEE THANKS!”
To bad-ass ladies outside smoking with their OXYGEN TANKS
So while other kids did keg stands and some Jägerbombs and shot-skis
I spent my college Fridays with my bingo cards and tschotskes
See the old pros all brought rabbit feet and crosses for good luck
I brought a pic of Steven Sondheim and some SKITTLES, MOTHA FUCK
I went to church every Friday like a good Jew girl on Shabbos
Otherwise I’d sit at home and listen to LES MISERABLES
So I’d gamble and eat cake that was free for my consumption
And I’d make my daddy proud, THANK YOU CHURCH OF THE ASSUMPTION
When I moved into the city, though, things weren’t quite the same
Where could a little Jew girl find a friendly Christian game?
So I gave up on my quest and I finally said shalom
And volunteered to call some games down at the Jewish nursing home
They couldn’t hear a thing, but they were really so enthralled
Everybody shouting BINGO at each number that I called
I was charming and so funny and they pooped their pants with laughter
When I would call B4 everyone would yell, “AND AFTER!”
So of course for every ball, I’d come up with some witty line
“The doctor has good news if your tumor is…” (everybody) “B9!”
Sometimes it was too much, and they got a little hyper
Each time that someone won, they would need a brand new diaper
So the other night I tried my luck with some younger cats
When I went to bingo night downtown at Tortilla Flats
I was back in the game! Instead of cake, we had fajitas
And instead of pics of Sondheim I had TONS OF MARGARITAS
I had a lot of fun, but things still were not the same
Cuz all of these young bitches don’t know how to PLAY THE GAME
This girl thought she had bingo so she called it loudly BUT
It was a false alarm, CUZ THAT GIRL’S A STUPID SLUT
This other girl called bingo WHEN SHE STILL NEEDED TWO MORE!
NO YOU DON’T HAVE BINGO, BITCH, YOU STUPID STUPID WHORE
The people I was with were great, but still none of us won
But I have to tell ya, bitch, it was a lot of fuckin’ fun
So although it ain’t the sport my dad had hoped upon his kin
Margaritas with old friends, in my book, always is a win
So go and play some bingo kids, I hope you fill a line
And be sure to think of me next time you get O69
word.