Category Archives: Holidays
Purim, Bitch.
If you see some Jews in costumes don’t scream, “Dear, they’re gonna rob us!”
It’s a Jewish holiday, and bitch, I don’t mean that it’s Shabbos
You may not know don’t know the story, ‘specially if you vote Santorum
So that’s why I am here today to tell y’all ’bout PURIM
The story all began with the ancient Persian King
Celebrating with his bros and simply doin’ his king thing
When he called upon his wife, the hottie Queen named Vashti
To parade around in front of them–ABSOLUTELY NASHTY
Ladies, am I right? She’s a queen and not a hoe
But shit got crazy awkward after my girl Vash said NO
So the king asked his advisors what they thought that he should do
(Achashverosh needs some help with a decision or two)
If they were Jew advisors then they would have fined and billed her
But Jewish guys they weren’t, and bitch, they MOTHA FUCKIN’ KILLED HER
So they’re all, “So that happened…moving on…end scene”
But Achashverosh be like, “Dudes, I GOTSTA FIND ANOTHER QUEEN”
There were just so many ladies, so like how they gonna pluck her?
So they did it in a contest, LIKE THE BACHELOR MOTHA FUCKER
So now lil’ Jewish Esther’s out there with her uncle Mo
Who thinks she could be Queen and he encouraged her to go
He told her not to say she’s Jewish, and the secret never leaked
(Thank G-d she was an orphan CUZ HER MOTHER WOULDA FREAKED)
And of all the many ladies from which Achashverosh chose
Little Jewish Esther got the FUCKING FINAL ROSE
Now he doesn’t know she’s Jewish here at this point now, however
This rose ceremony was the MOST DRAMATIC EVER
Mordechai, meanwhile, stayed real close nearby the palace
And warned Esther of an evil plot and saved the king from malice
His helpful advice really saved that king’s life
And the king is like, “Remind me to say thank you to him, WIFE”
Then the king made a bad move when he decided he’d be namin’
To the job of chief advisor this motherfucker HAMAN
This dude despised the Jews, he’d kill you if you had a bagel
(And gets approved more easily than former SENATOR CHUCK HAGEL)
Haman comes across our friend, or dear little Mordechai
And demanded he bow down, like he was pledging Sigma Chi
Mordechai’s like, “…no” and when Haman heard this news
He’s all, “Bitch I’m gonna kill you and kill ALL Y’ALL JEWS”
Haman told the king his plan and all his nasty visions
And the king is like, “Sounds good! Because I cannot make decisions!”
Haman builds Mo’s gallows where he plans to hang and yank him
King’s like, “That dude who saved me! I totes forgot to thank him!”
So the king asks his dude Haman, “Tell me, what’s a good reward?”
Haman’s like, “The nicest horse and robe that your ass can afford”
Haman thought it’d be for him, thinking he would do the riding
But as I said before, the king just NEEDED HELP DECIDING
At the banquet that night, Esther gave her big reveal
She told the king she was a Jew, sensibly, over a meal
He heard of Haman’s plan and so he sent him to be hanged
He gave Mordechai his prize, and he and Esther prolly banged
And now we read their story in our dear old Megillah
And we scream at Haman’s (AHHHHHHHH) name cuz he a CRAZY EYE KILLA
And we all dress up in costumes and sing some Purim tunes
And we Jews turned Haman’s (AHHHHHHHHH) hat into a COOKIE FILLED WITH PRUNES
And then you’re supposed to drink until you lose all of your clarity
And nosh that fuckin’ ‘taschen (prune ones help irregularity)
So put down that Sunday Times, you’ve had enough of the sequester
And molesters, and investors, and go hang out with Queen Esther
Y’all can dress as a queen–no matter if you’re straight or gay men
I go to my own drum and dress as Vashti or as Ham-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
And there you have it, PURIM! From your favorite rappin’ blogger
So now go and shake that thang (AND BY “THAT THANG” I MEAN YOUR GROGGER)
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Holiday Recap, Bitch.
‘Twas the holiday season, so I took a little breather
For New Years and for Christmas, (even though I’m no believer)
So everybody clap your hands and maybe shake a titty
And I’ll tell you ’bout my holidays RIGHT HERE IN NEW YORK CITY
The greatest city in the world, at the best of the year
Christmas day’s my favorite when I spend it UP IN HERE
I made some coffee in my Chemex which I bought at Sur La Table
And hopped aboard the train to see LES FUCKIN’ MISERABLES
The only tickets I could get required us to travel down
DON’T UNDERESTIMATE HOW MANY JEWS LIVE HERE UPTOWN
Now, this is real embarrassing, I am quite ashamed to tout
I had never seen the show, I never knew what it’s about
I know, I know, I’m sorry, on Yom Kippur I’ll repent
But for now, I saw the movie, SO I’LL TELL YOU HOW IT WENT
Jean Valjean stole what must’ve been some really damn good bread
Fantine becomes a whore because of her enormous head
She sings and cries real hard and it’s emotionally draining
And she let the cameraman fulfill his endoscopic training
I thought I heard a sheep with Parkinson’s, but that was just Cosette
And I felt bad for Eponine, so single, and so wet
The rebels fought on mounds of furniture, just asking for an injury
While Marius was hiding that he’s really rich and gingery
Javert falls real far to the water down below
And I kinda didn’t mind, I couldn’t listen to him CROWe
They all die and wave a flag and sing a big ol’ song
You should go, but bring a catheter, it’s eighteen hours long
And so we left the movie and the streets were calm and placid
And we made our way to Chinatown and each popped an antacid
As Jewish folk, we’re prone to acid reflux damn disease
And we’re also prone on Christmas day to eat some DAMN CHINESE
I thought we’d go downtown and celebrate Chinese ethnicity
So we went to Spicy Village, bitch, I’m all ’bout authenticity
We got the big hot pot of chicken from a waitress who was toneless
But it freaked my Jew boy out cuz HE PREFERS HIS CHICKEN BONELESS
Which brings me to the new year, bitch, you just would not believe
What it’s like to be in NYC on NEW YEARS FUCKIN’ EVE
You’ll pay a ton at shitty restaurants, fixed menus and bad food
Bitch, I wouldn’t pay that much for Daniel fuckin’ BOULUD
You could pay a ton for parties and before the bubbly’s popped
You’re surrounded by obnoxious kids whose own balls haven’t dropped
And you kiss someone at midnight cuz you think that sounds like fun
And you start the new year off with herpes simplex TYPE ONE
We totally were gonna go to a crazy rager
But my husband is a doctor, it’d be hard to hear his pager
So we stayed in our apartment, locked the deadbolt on the door
And we had our favorite new years, which I really do adore
We order tons of shitty tacos, the worst we can obtain
And pair them with a bottle of fantastic-ass champagne
And we eat and drink and get into a gassy drunken stupor
And watch some Kathy Griffin and a giggly Andy Cooper
I find the best of holidays are drama-free and braless
And spent with the one I the love most–these holidays were flawless
So there you have my full recap, from Christmas to the ball
And a very happy new year from Jap Rapper to y’all.
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Party Foul, Bitch.
Ho Ho Ho, bitch! ‘Tis the fuckin’ season
To throw a fuckin’ party for just any rhyme or reason
Time to take a vacay (or pretend and wear some bronzer)
And light all of the lights for Jesus, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaar
But before you head out and party with your friends or firms
I feel I need to teach you to spread CHEER and not your GERMS
I’ve rapped to you before ’bout how to keep from getting sick
But there’s one germy threat happ’nin’ at parties IN PARTIC
Now I’m not a fan of parties, though I know most of you are
I’d rather eat Chinese and watch The View on DVR
But I always end up going cuz I’m not a fuckin’ flake
I go to spread the joy, but bitch, I mostly go for CAKE
Actually I prob’ly should be slightly more specific
I could do without the cake itself, but FROSTING IS TERRIFIC
Open bars are nice, but bitch, ain’t nothing more enticing
Than a fuckin’ slice of cake with a WHOLE SHIT-TON OF ICING
And my husband won’t eat frosting! NOPE! The cake part’s all he eats
That’s why we got married, bitch, ECONOMY OF TREATS
He know’s all he’s got do if he wants to get some nookie
Is to let me make a bitch out of a BLACK & WHITE COOKIE (only the white side, duh)
And so I’m here to tell you all something that really makes me scowl
My number one all time biggest fuckin’ party foul
It’s an issue that dates back to when I was a lil’ child
When the coolest girl in school had this birthday that was wild
At that roller skating rink with the disco lights for Thriller
The coolest kids in school were there, the GOODIE BAGS WERE KILLER
And then her mom brought out the cake–it was white with chocolate drizzle
There was tons of fuckin’ frosting, bitch, this cake was off the HIZZLE
And her mom cut her the first piece, which of course I thought was fine
Do I really need to tell you who was fucking next in line?
And then the most horrific thing I had seen in my young life
Her mothafuckin’ mom LICKED the MOTHAFUCKIN’ KNIFE!
She put the knife back in the cake and my eyes were wide with horror
She cut me off a piece and my jaw dropped on the FLOORER
I watched her do it ever time, licking all that fucking frosting
And I simply couldn’t eat the cake, THAT SHIT WAS DISGOSTING
Which brings us to last week when I was faced with this aGAIN
Now I’m all adult and shit, toasting my champagne
When all of the sudden I got real enthusiastic
When they brought out a cake that looked FUCKING FANTASTIC
This cake looked so amazing, it looked like an utter dream
With tons of salted caramel fuckin’ buttercream
The bartender began to cut amidst my great emotion
And all of the sudden things just went into slow motion
He wiped the knife off on his hand and of course my gaze did linger
As he slowly sucked the frosting off of EVERY FUCKING FINGER
It was like a fucking crime, I shoulda called the dang police
As he went and stuck those hands in every motherfuckin’ piece
Pensively I took my slice, and perhaps it was the booze
But I knew cake was something that was just too good to lose
And that shit was so damn good, you guys, I swear I’d give fellatio
To the baker who decided on that frosting to cake ratio
And I’m glad I stretched my bounds a bit, this Hanukkah I grew
But this entire fuckin’ week I’ve had the mothafuckin’ flu
So simply to avoid this very tragic party foul
I urge you to use protection, wipe your knife off on a towel
And that girl whose mom was gross, well, she turned out kinda groovy
You can all see her this Christmas starring in that Les Miz movie
(Totally kidding, it wasn’t Anne Hathaway. But it would be crazy if it was, right?)
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Thanksgiving, Bitch.
Yo I gots a secret I gotta reveal
I never told nobody this, I don’t know how they gonna feel
Let me first make clear, I don’t want any misgivings
I MOTHAFUCKIN’ LOVE ME MOTHAFUCKIN’ THANKSGIVINGS (yeah, ALL of them)
I love that dang parade with that monkey made of sock
And I’ve got a thing for pilgrims, bitch, they MAKE MY PLYMOUTH ROCK
But the one thing that might leave you just LITTLE BIT murky
BITCH I fuckin’ HATE fuckinmothafuckin’ TURKEY
Not not to get all Freudian, a rapper never should
But I think my turkey loathing dates back to my childhood
See my Jewish mother loved me quite a mothafuckin’ bunch
And to ensure I got my protein packed me turkey for lunch
At first I didn’t mind, I’d just unpack my lunch and chew it
But as Jewish mothers often do, mine tends to overdo it
The turkey grew and grew to make sure that I was fed
All the sudden that dang sandwich was as big as my damn head
I was just a little girl, did she really think I’d eat a
Fuckin’ half a pound of turkey stuffed into a MINI PITA?
Kids would watch me eat it every day for years and years
And I’d be all covered in turkey smell and mustard (and some tears)
I tried to tell my mother that the turkey was for rookies
Why couldn’t she be cool and pack me SNACKWELL FUCKIN’ COOKIES?
But I’d lug around that turkey really looking like a fool
And that’s the reason why I wasn’t popular in school (and this, and maybe this)
So when I sit down at Thanksgiving I say, “Mmmm this turkey’s GREAT!”
But little do they know I ain’t got NONE upon my plate
All throughout the years I’ve gotten really good at bluffing
So that nobody would know I eat ENTIRE PLATES OF STUFFING
I see that bowl of stuffing and my lil eyeball twinkles
It’s my second favorite food group, next, of course, to RAINBOW SPRINKLES
My favorite kind of stuffing? Now, that’s up to some debate
But I love so many kinds, so bitch, I DON’T DISCRIMINATE
I once had a cornbread kind thanks to that Al Roker fella
And I tasted chestnut stuffing, LOVE FREE SAMPLES, CITARELLA
But my favorite’s challah stuffing, bitch, that always is a hit
I’m telling you I’d take a bath ALL UP IN THAT SHIT
My mom-in-law’s is so good, may require 5-star Yelping
NO I DO NOT MIND IF I TAKE A SEVENTH ANOTHER HELPING
My guy and I, we love to eat, but today our tastes get clashy
He loves his Thanksgiving food real mothafuckin’ trashy
The whole rest of the year he loves the Michelin man
But he won’t eat cranberries that aren’t shaped just like the can
And he loves to fill his plate with that nasty greenish slop
He loves that green bean casserole FRENCH’S ONIONS ON THE TOP
But man, I’m thankful for him, and for my dad and brother
And I’m really fuckin’ thankful for my turkey lovin’ mother
Who always really cared ’bout the nutrition that I got
If you measured love in turkey, then she sure loves me a lot
So go and eat your dishes, I hope you do adore ’em
And eat them with your loved ones and tell them you’re thankful for ’em
And thanks to all of you who read my silly little words
Now I’ve gots to eat my stuffing–bitch, that turkey’s for the birds
Gobble.
Hot Toys, Bitch.
Yo, every now and then my husband works the night shift
It gets lonely up in here, a girl could use a little lift
So what do ladies do when they’re left without their boys?
Bitches this is when you gotsta go and get yourself some TOYS
And my favorite toy of all is one handsome little devil
He is sleek and stainless steel and I call him my Breville
Yes, when I am all alone and I need a little lovin’
I ain’t gotta look much further than my fuckin’ TOASTER OVEN
Ladies, when you are in need of a little affection
Why not give yourself the added perk of cooking with CONVECTION?
I guess my Foreman will do when I need a grilling fix
I use my KitchenAid when I am just too lazy to mix
That immersion wand’s the shit when I’m whipping heavy cream
And I stay hydrated now, thanks to my SODA STREAM
But as I look my appliances and all of their utilities
The toaster oven always wins with its ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES
It does ANYTHING I WANT when I plug it in the socket
Bitch, if I swung that way it would make me a HOT POCKET
When you defrost things in the microwave, they’re chewy–IT’S UPSETTING
The toaster oven makes things perfectly–THANK YOU FROZEN SETTING
When food is gross and soggy, bitch, I really do abhor it
I’m so happy with my Breville- GLAD I REGISTERED FOR IT!
You can cook a small roast in there if you really wanna
That’s where I made my kugel–when?–ON FUCKIN’ ROSH HASHANAH!
And for all those sleepless nights when you’re sad and all alone
There’s a special pizza setting and a CUSTOM PIZZA STONE
If you have a chicken breast and a little olive oil
Just set it and forget it, LET THE BREVILLE DO THE BROIL
Keep your leftovers, it reheats them for you later
You can make a tiny brisket for a TINY PESACH SEDER
It has infinite potential just for you to uncork
Just ask Sonja Morgan–from Real Housewives of NEW YORK
It makes me tons of food and it stops when I say when
Yeah, I like my toaster ovens, bitch, just like I like my men (Jewish)
So of course I miss my husband, cuz I do love him the most
I’ll think about him later, cuz now mama needs some TOAST
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Passover, Bitch.
Easter is upon us, bitch, and as you might suspect
I ain’t out celebratin’ Jesus bein’ RESURRECT
While all you kids are mackin’ on your Peeps and chocolate eggs
I’ll eat some mandel bread at home and shavin’ my JEWISH LEGS
While you don your Lilly Pulitzer and patent leather shoes
I will celebrate a different day with my fellow Jews
It’s a very special holiday, can you tell me which?
Toss that bread out the window cuz IT’S PASSOVER, BITCH!
So for the next week you bet yo ass I am goin’ to be
One of them bitches who’s all, “UMMMM…Is this gluten-free?”
So gather all around, all my sisters and brothers,
And I’ll tell you why this night is so much DIFFERENT THAN THE OTHERS
We tell the tale of our escape from the Pharaoh and some haters
We still eat and still complain but we call these dinners SEDERS
Our people fled from Egypt thanks to locusts and some frogs
So that their greatgreatgreatgreat granddaughter could write some RAPPING BLOGS
And Pharoah had some boils and noone could diagnose it
Cuz the Jewish doctors LEFT and now we laugh and eat CHAROSET
They had to flee the land with just the matzo on their backs
Bitch, you know those were my ancestors, WE ALWAYS CARRY SNACKS
It was one long-ass journey, through the desert they were roamin’
And as we read about it someone hides the afikomen
And the kids all run to find it, hopin’ they will be the winner
Leave it to us Jews to MAKE SOME MONEY DURING DINNER
And the Jews escaped to freedom and were filled with such elation
So we celebrate with matzo and a week of constipation
And we laugh and eat and every year the brisket gets much chewier
So it kinda is like other nights, but better, and much Jewier
So no matter what you celebrate, please enjoy your day-ach
And if you see a Jew, you wish that bitch a CHAG SAMEACH.
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Hanukkah, Bitch.
While Santa hits the skies to deliver gifts with Blitzen
My people are in Boca, complaining that they’re schvitzin’
And they’re slappin on some lotion, cuz their eczema, it itches
Yes, even though it’s Christmas, it’s still HANUKKAH, BITCHES!
So set aside your presents, step away from them trees
And celebrate for Judah and the fuckin’ Maccabees
Because without them Maccabees, we would all be pagan
And there would be no Hanukkah for Judge ELENA KAGAN
All because these Jewish boys defeated Greeks and Syrians
So their children could be doctors up at New York Presbyterian
They had one night of oil, they were running out of luck,
But it burned for eight whole nights and Judah’s all like, “HOLY FUCK”
So while you get that egg nog, and youre fillin’ up your cup
I’ll grab my menorah and I’ll LIGHT THAT FUCKER UP
And then I’ll spin a dreidel and I’ll win some gelt, it’s funny–
Leave it to us Jews to make our chocolate look like money
So don’t give me no fruitcake, I assure you I will toss it
Just give this bitch a latke and I’ll fuckin’ APPLESAUCE IT
Go open up your presents, I hope they are insane
I’ll be at the movies and then eating some lo mein
I wish a Happy Hanukkah to all you girls and boys
And of course a Merry Christmas goes out to all you goys
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Jap Rap 