Gobble Gobble, Bitch

Yo yo gobble gobble and break out that stuffin’

Cuz it’s time for Thanksgiving and BITCH, I ain’t bluffin’

So bake them pumpkin pies and go deep fry your geese

(Do we really need to wonder why America’s obese?)

So go to the store, cuz you’ll need a pair of  Spanx

And think of all the reasons that you have for sayin THANKS

As I sit down this year to my Thanksgiving turkey

I am thankful for the homeless guy who says my tits are perky

I give thanks to firefighters, they’re so big and brave and burly

I am thankful for my husband, he’s so Jewey AND SO CURLY

I am thankful for my mother, she’s so perfectly insane

I am thankful for the laughter brought to me by HERMAN CAIN

And I’m thankful for the memory of Governor Rick Perry

I am thankful for New York and and that my friends can finally marry

I am thankful for cheap manicures within a minute’s walk

And that they don’t speak no English so that I don’t have to talk

I give thanks to Lactaid milk for not giving me the runs

I give thanks to Roma Torre and to WEATHER on the ONES

I give thanks to kick-ass actors who stick it out as waiters

I am thankful that my neighbor never holds the elevators

(because I’m a feminist?…asshole)

I am thankful for Real Housewives, I love those crazy hoes

I give thanks to spicy hummus THAT I BUY FROM TRADER JOE’S

I am thankful when the Mexicans sing on my subway ride

I am thankful for huge salads with the dressing ON THE SIDE

I give thanks for Andy Cooper with his sexy baby blues

And that the Mayflower brought his people instead of mine, the Jews

(Cuz, like, can you imagine how much food there would be then?? oy.)

I give thanks to gynocologists for givin me my paps

 I give thanks to every one of you who reads my silly raps

So go enjoy your families, don’t bicker, fight, or mock

And if you are not thankful you can suck a Plymouth cock.

gobble.

Halloween, Bitch.

Yo yo yo it’s that time of year

When a little eight-year-old dressed as Golda Meir

Comes and knocks on my door and I fill her sack with suckers

Yo trick-or-treat, Bitch, it’s HALLOWEEN MOTHAFUCKAS

Halloween’s fun for the young and old

But as a kid in Ohio, it was mothafuckin’ cold

And as a damper on things for me and my brother

We had to wear our jackets, THANKS A LOT JEWISH MOTHER

This shit pissed me off cuz I couldn’t even gloat

‘Bout the kick-ass costume that was covered by my coat

And I’d look at my mom in pure disbelief

And I’d say “Fine bitch, I’ll wear that jacket UNDERNEAF”

While other girls dressed as sluts, and the boys as the deceased

I was happy to be warm and dressed UP AS THE OBESED

And at least all my neighbors were able to tell

I was the best fat Sally fuckin’ JESSE RAPHAEL

Now for the kids in NYC, these problems simply don’t exist

They just go through their halls to the apartments on their list

And they don’t need their coats and they look so much leaner

I give them candy and smile.

They can suck my Halloweener.

word.

Yom Kippur, Bitch

Yo yo yo, it’s Yom Kippur, bitch

If you don’t know that, you’re a sucker

I’m stuck in shul, repenting like a fool

And I am one HUNGRY MOTHA FUCKA

I wish that a fairy would bring me some Pinkberry

Or a peanut butter cone from Tasti-D

I’d give my left titty for just a LITTLE BITTY

Of a breadstick from the Cheesecake Factory

Bitch, today I won’t be pleasant even if you bring me presents

I apologize if Im bein’ rude

So stay away while I daven cuz you won’t get any lovin

Nothin comes between this Jew girl and her food

word.

Rosh Hashanah, Bitch

YO YO YO didn’t you remember?

It’s the Jewish new year at the end of September

Well, sometimes it’s later and sometimes it’s sooner

Ya never know, bitch, CUZ THIS CALENDAR IS LUNAR

(boom boom chick wikka wikka what waaat)

All the Jews in the land with all of their money

Will get their freak on with some apples and honey

And then get in their cars and shout to their chauffers

“Bitch, take me to shul, so I can listen to some shofers!”

(tekiah tekiah…gadolAH)

So tonight if you’re thinkin of doin the nasty

With a freaky Jewish girl with a good rhinoplasty

Don’t tell her you’ll call and then screw her ova

Just wish her yasher koach and a big l’shana tova

Happy new year.

bitch.