Menstrual Man, Bitch.

If you’re livin’ with a lady, then you know there’s nothing worse

Than that one week of the month when she gets the fuckin’ CURSE

No matter what you say, there will always be a fight

For that week (and more) you’re wrong, I mean, ladies, am I right?

So don’t bother with affection, you’re just wasting all your doting

Cuz we’d rather be alone with our Chipotle, gas, and bloating

And though I do want that burrito, I’m not trying to brag

But I really don’t get moody when I’m on the fuckin’ RAG

Now, please don’t be mistaken, thinkin’ that’s so advantageous

Because lately I’m convinced that menstrual symptoms are contagious

I have lots of detailed evidence, I’m sharing just a kernel

I’MMMA publish all this shit in the New England fuckin’ JOURNAL

It’s a medical wonder, but to you I will confess:

That when I get my ladies, my man gets the PMS

I think the estrogen just floats around and does a little switchy

I get the zits and bloating and my husband GETS THE BITCHY

Don’t get me wrong, he is a dude, all manly and testicular

But on that one week he’s stubborn and he’s so crazily particular

He’s perfect all the other weeks, with hardly any flaws

So I’ll put up with all this shit UNTIL WE MENOPAUSE

I could tell so many stories cuz the instances are ample

But here is just the latest–I’M ‘BOUT TO GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE:

Last weekend we went out of town to see our good friends marry

Our flight was Friday evening when the traffic can be hairy

We planned to cab it straight from work which was already quite darin’

But we couldn’t miss this wedding MAZEL TOV TO BEN AND ARYN

So Friday morning when he left for work, my guy knew he’d been meaning

To drop of his enormous load of dirty damn dry cleaning

‘Twas seven in the morning and of course he had supposed

That the cleaners would be open, but bitch, they were fuckin’ closed

Hong’s Cleaners is his favorite, whether April, June, or March

He goes there all year long because he LOVES THE WAY THEY STARCH

He passed by 5 other stores because their starch is “reprehensible”

So he brought that shit to work, he’s a doctor AND SO SENSIBLE

So the patients that were crying that their cancer really hurts

Were prob’ly thrilled to see their doctor AND HIS FUCKIN’ DIRTY SHIRTS

I should mention we’ve no laundry bag, so don’t misunderstand, NO

He had his shirts all free and loose: DRY CLEANING COMMANDO

But of course he came up with a plan, never once forgetting

That he wasn’t going home that night, but flying to a wedding

He’d hop right in a cab, we had a flight and we would catch it

He’d meet me with his dry cleaning and like a WIFE I’d fetch it

I drop it with my doorman who’s all, “Someone come and getting it??”

I yell back, “YEP,” jump in the cab, already regretting it

I say, “Let’s call the cleaners, not leave shirts there in obscurity”

And he’s like, “NO! WE HAVE TO WAIT ‘TIL WE GET THROUGH SECURITY”

I sigh, “OK” and didn’t say, “THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE”

Cuz all these years have taught me YOU CAN’T REASON WITH THE MENSE

Now the best thing you can do is get a menstrual one some grub

Like the baller that I am I got us in the DELTA CLUB

At this point PMS was really getting kinda scary

So I go straight to the bar and get my man a bloody mary

When your man has PMS and he starts to get real colicky

Get him something spicy, pickled, and REAL alcoholicky

I snuck away to call the cleaners and I left my guy alone

(With 3 packets of Nutella and some HUMMUS IN A CONE)

So I go look up the number thinking Google’d be of help

But I couldn’t find Hong’s Cleaners there, NOT EVEN ON YELP

Nervously I searched and searched and then to my surpriser

HONG TEAM CLEANERS! THANK YOU SO MUCH, TRIP ADVISOR!

The guy answers the phone and I can’t understand a word

English isn’t his first language IT’S HIS MOTHA FUCKIN’ THIRD

I say my last name and address maybe six or seven times

I’d repeat what he yelled back but THERE AIN’T NO WAY THAT IT RHYMES

We go back and forth for minutes and now both of us are yelling

Who’d be picking up our clothes? There really was no way of telling

The chances it’d be Hong you’d think are looking rather slim, huh?

But otherwise he would have brought his LAUNDRY TO A SIMCHA

I look back at my guy who was three bloody marys deep

We stepped aboard the plane and went to MOTHAFUCKIN’ SLEEP

We had a lovely weekend, danced and drank the wine of Bacchus

We celebrated Ben and Aryn, OMG you guys, SUCH NACHES

We got back home that Sunday, took the bus from LGA

And we walked home from the bus stop and passed Hong along the way

They are always closed on Sundays, but my eye did catch their awning

And my jaw dropped to the ground (but I pretended I was yawning)

Their phone number was on it, though the digits were quite small

I knew that wasn’t who I called–UM LIKE NOT EVEN AT ALL

The shirts weren’t at my building, so who had them was a mystery

But I would crack this case, THANK YOU IPHONE CALLER HISTORY

I snuck on my computer and I got the fuckin’ hookup

Hong “TEAM” Cleaners, THANK YOU REVERSE FUCKIN’ LOOKUP

Now as far as my guy knew, there were no problems all along

And I’ll never ever tell him that I got the WRONG HONG

Within two fucking blocks how many Hongs could there be?

Well bitch, I learned the hard way that the answer here is THREE

I tracked the cleaning down and the next day went and got it

I took the plastic off and swiftly placed it in the closet

And he never had to know about this tiny little hiccup

And I went back to his Hong and signed his ass up for FREE PICK-UP

He got dressed today and said, “This starch is weird”, OH?? IS IT?!

I just told him to back off because AUNT FLO IS HERE TO VISIT.

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Purim, Bitch.

If you see some Jews in costumes don’t scream, “Dear, they’re gonna rob us!”

It’s a Jewish holiday, and bitch, I don’t mean that it’s Shabbos

You may not know don’t know the story, ‘specially if you vote Santorum

So that’s why I am here today to tell y’all ’bout PURIM

The story all began with the ancient Persian King

Celebrating with his bros and simply doin’ his king thing

When he called upon his wife, the hottie Queen named Vashti

To parade around in front of them–ABSOLUTELY NASHTY

Ladies, am I right? She’s a queen and not a hoe

But shit got crazy awkward after my girl Vash said NO

So the king asked his advisors what they thought that he should do

(Achashverosh needs some help with a decision or two)

If they were Jew advisors then they would have fined and billed her

But Jewish guys they weren’t, and bitch, they MOTHA FUCKIN’ KILLED HER

So they’re all, “So that happened…moving on…end scene”

But Achashverosh be like, “Dudes, I GOTSTA FIND ANOTHER QUEEN”

There were just so many ladies, so like how they gonna pluck her?

So they did it in a contest, LIKE THE BACHELOR MOTHA FUCKER

So now lil’ Jewish Esther’s out there with her uncle Mo

Who thinks she could be Queen and he encouraged her to go

He told her not to say she’s Jewish, and the secret never leaked

(Thank G-d she was an orphan CUZ HER MOTHER WOULDA FREAKED)

And of all the many ladies from which Achashverosh chose

Little Jewish Esther got the FUCKING FINAL ROSE

Now he doesn’t know she’s Jewish here at this point now, however

This rose ceremony was the MOST DRAMATIC EVER

Mordechai, meanwhile, stayed real close nearby the palace

And warned Esther of an evil plot and saved the king from malice

His helpful advice really saved that king’s life

And the king is like, “Remind me to say thank you to him, WIFE”

Then the king made a bad move when he decided he’d be namin’

To the job of chief advisor this motherfucker HAMAN

This dude despised the Jews, he’d kill you if you had a bagel

(And gets approved more easily than former SENATOR CHUCK HAGEL)

Haman comes across our friend, or dear little Mordechai

And demanded he bow down, like he was pledging Sigma Chi

Mordechai’s like, “…no” and when Haman heard this news

He’s all, “Bitch I’m gonna kill you and kill ALL Y’ALL JEWS”

Haman told the king his plan and all his nasty visions

And the king is like, “Sounds good! Because I cannot make decisions!”

Haman builds Mo’s gallows where he plans to hang and yank him

King’s like, “That dude who saved me! I totes forgot to thank him!”

So the king asks his dude Haman, “Tell me, what’s a good reward?”

Haman’s like, “The nicest horse and robe that your ass can afford”

Haman thought it’d be for him, thinking he would do the riding

But as I said before, the king just NEEDED HELP DECIDING

At the banquet that night, Esther gave her big reveal

She told the king she was a Jew, sensibly, over a meal

He heard of Haman’s plan and so he sent him to be hanged

He gave Mordechai his prize, and he and Esther prolly banged

And now we read their story in our dear old Megillah

And we scream at Haman’s (AHHHHHHHH) name cuz he a CRAZY EYE KILLA

And we all dress up in costumes and sing some Purim tunes

And we Jews turned Haman’s (AHHHHHHHHH) hat into a COOKIE FILLED WITH PRUNES

And then you’re supposed to drink until you lose all of your clarity

And nosh that fuckin’ ‘taschen (prune ones help irregularity)

So put down that Sunday Times, you’ve had enough of the sequester

And molesters, and investors, and go hang out with Queen Esther

Y’all can dress as a queen–no matter if you’re straight or gay men

I go to my own drum and dress as Vashti or as Ham-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

And there you have it, PURIM! From your favorite rappin’ blogger

So now go and shake that thang (AND BY “THAT THANG” I MEAN YOUR GROGGER)

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A Confession, Bitch.

Yo, I’ve got a confession you can add to your roster

No, I’m not “single,” sorry, Jodie frickin’ Foster

And the rumors aren’t true, sorry those who were hopin’

Though I have mad flow, I ain’t RAP BLOOD DOPIN’

But it’s time I come out and be reals witch alla you

WHEW, here it goes, OK, I HAD THE FUCKIN’ FLU

When it comes to making friends, I know this news ain’t advantageous

So I waited weeks to tell ya so I’m not at all contagious

I cannot believe I got it, since I’m such a germaphobie

But I had all of these symptoms (POP THIS SHIT UP ON ADOBE)

I always wash my hands, and got a flu shot as well

Bitch, I married a doctor simply for the free Purell

I’ll explain how it went down so that you can all avert it

This is how I got the flu, I NOW WILL PUBLIC HEALTH ALERT IT

It was just a normal night, I was feelin’ good and perky

On the phone with my mom, mackin’ on some TURKEY JERKY

My ma’s all, “Whachu eating?” And I’m like, “Jerkey, of course”

STOP JUDGING ME, MOM, “IT’S A GOOD LEAN PROTEIN SOURCE”

“Well, you sound a little sick,” my mother had to denote

“I just have turkey jerky ALL UP IN MY THROAT”

I tried to clear it out and then let out a cough,

“It’s the motha fuckin’ jerky! UGH MOM, BACK OFF”

She’s like, “I’m gonna hang up, but you’re sounding rather fluish”

And I’m like, “I’MMA HANG UP, YOU SOUNDIN’ MOTHERLY AND JEWISH”

So I put down the phone, took a breath and regrouped

And I turn on CNN “HEY SEXY LIL’ SANJAY GUPT

He was talkin’ bout the flu and said, “The symptoms come on quickly”

And all of the sudden, bitch, I started feelin’ sickly

My body got real shaky and my muscles started achin’

I looked like Liam Neeson’s daughter’s friend in fuckin’ TAKEN

(the original, BUT PROBABLY TAKEN 2 TOO, BITCH)

My temperature clocked in at a hundred and TWO

BITCH I MOTHAFUCKIN’ HAD THE FUCKIN’ MOTHAFUCKIN’ FLU

I spent the next week in a little fetal tuck

It wasn’t the jerky, my ma was right, motha FUCK

And the rest of the week, this was pretty much my story

I spend entire days in my bed with Roma Torre

All the comics would make jokes about the flu and when they went, “So you’ve heard about this flu?”

I would eek out a “REPRESENT”

I had an awesome dream my bestie was Maria Shriver

And I dreamt they gave a talk show to that host guy from Survivor

I spent five days in bed and was all sweaty and dirty

I looked just like the tortured guy in ZERO DARK THIRTY

Most people’s flus went longer, but my symptoms started slowin’

That’s because I had a flu shot, THANK YOU DOCTOR BARRY COHEN

So the moral of the story is, it just ain’t worth the plight

Wash your hands, get a flu shot, and your mother’s always right

Although, I will admit, I felt relaxed and kinda thin

And probably the trendiest that I’ve ever been

And even though I lost a week and was feeling really shitty

I think we can agree that I looked real frickin’ pretty.

photo-21

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Holiday Recap, Bitch.

‘Twas the holiday season, so I took a little breather

For New Years and for Christmas, (even though I’m no believer)

So everybody clap your hands and maybe shake a titty

And I’ll tell you ’bout my holidays RIGHT HERE IN NEW YORK CITY

The greatest city in the world, at the best of the year

Christmas day’s my favorite when I spend it UP IN HERE

I made some coffee in my Chemex which I bought at Sur La Table

And hopped aboard the train to see LES FUCKIN’ MISERABLES

The only tickets I could get required us to travel down

DON’T UNDERESTIMATE HOW MANY JEWS LIVE HERE UPTOWN

Now, this is real embarrassing, I am quite ashamed to tout

I had never seen the show, I never knew what it’s about

I know, I know, I’m sorry, on Yom Kippur I’ll repent

But for now, I saw the movie, SO I’LL TELL YOU HOW IT WENT

Jean Valjean stole what must’ve been some really damn good bread

Fantine becomes a whore because of her enormous head

She sings and cries real hard and it’s emotionally draining

And she let the cameraman fulfill his endoscopic training

I thought I heard a sheep with Parkinson’s, but that was just Cosette

And I felt bad for Eponine, so single, and so wet

The rebels fought on mounds of furniture, just asking for an injury

While Marius was hiding that he’s really rich and gingery

Javert falls real far to the water down below

And I kinda didn’t mind, I couldn’t listen to him CROWe

They all die and wave a flag and sing a big ol’ song

You should go, but bring a catheter, it’s eighteen hours long

And so we left the movie and the streets were calm and placid

And we made our way to Chinatown and each popped an antacid

As Jewish folk, we’re prone to acid reflux damn disease

And we’re also prone on Christmas day to eat some DAMN CHINESE

I thought we’d go downtown and celebrate Chinese ethnicity

So we went to Spicy Village, bitch, I’m all ’bout authenticity

We got the big hot pot of chicken from a waitress who was toneless

But it freaked my Jew boy out cuz HE PREFERS HIS CHICKEN BONELESS

Which brings me to the new year, bitch, you just would not believe

What it’s like to be in NYC on NEW YEARS FUCKIN’ EVE

You’ll pay a ton at shitty restaurants, fixed menus and bad food

Bitch, I wouldn’t pay that much for Daniel fuckin’ BOULUD

You could pay a ton for parties and before the bubbly’s popped

You’re surrounded by obnoxious kids whose own balls haven’t dropped

And you kiss someone at midnight cuz you think that sounds like fun

And you start the new year off with herpes simplex TYPE ONE

We totally were gonna go to a crazy rager

But my husband is a doctor, it’d be hard to hear his pager

So we stayed in our apartment, locked the deadbolt on the door

And we had our favorite new years, which I really do adore

We order tons of shitty tacos, the worst we can obtain

And pair them with a bottle of fantastic-ass champagne

And we eat and drink and get into a gassy drunken stupor

And watch some Kathy Griffin and a giggly Andy Cooper

I find the best of holidays are drama-free and braless

And spent with the one I the love most–these holidays were flawless

So there you have my full recap, from Christmas to the ball

And a very happy new year from Jap Rapper to y’all.

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Party Foul, Bitch.

Ho Ho Ho, bitch! ‘Tis the fuckin’ season

To throw a fuckin’ party for just any rhyme or reason

Time to take a vacay (or pretend and wear some bronzer)

And light all of the lights for Jesus, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaar

But before you head out and party with your friends or firms

I feel I need to teach you to spread CHEER and not your GERMS

I’ve rapped to you before ’bout how to keep from getting sick

But there’s one germy threat happ’nin’ at parties IN PARTIC

Now I’m not a fan of parties, though I know most of you are

I’d rather eat Chinese and watch The View on DVR

But I always end up going cuz I’m not a fuckin’ flake

I go to spread the joy, but bitch, I mostly go for CAKE

Actually I prob’ly should be slightly more specific

I could do without the cake itself, but FROSTING IS TERRIFIC

Open bars are nice, but bitch, ain’t nothing more enticing

Than a fuckin’ slice of cake with a WHOLE SHIT-TON OF ICING

And my husband won’t eat frosting! NOPE! The cake part’s all he eats

That’s why we got married, bitch, ECONOMY OF TREATS

He know’s all he’s got do if he wants to get some nookie

Is to let me make a bitch out of a BLACK & WHITE COOKIE (only the white side, duh)

And so I’m here to tell you all something that really makes me scowl

My number one all time biggest fuckin’ party foul

It’s an issue that dates back to when I was a lil’ child

When the coolest girl in school had this birthday that was wild

At that roller skating rink with the disco lights for Thriller

The coolest kids in school were there, the GOODIE BAGS WERE KILLER

And then her mom brought out the cake–it was white with chocolate drizzle

There was tons of fuckin’ frosting, bitch, this cake was off the HIZZLE

And her mom cut her the first piece, which of course I thought was fine

Do I really need to tell you who was fucking next in line?

And then the most horrific thing I had seen in my young life

Her mothafuckin’ mom LICKED the MOTHAFUCKIN’ KNIFE!

She put the knife back in the cake and my eyes were wide with horror

She cut me off a piece and my jaw dropped on the FLOORER

I watched her do it ever time, licking all that fucking frosting

And I simply couldn’t eat the cake, THAT SHIT WAS DISGOSTING

Which brings us to last week when I was faced with this aGAIN

Now I’m all adult and shit, toasting my champagne

When all of the sudden I got real enthusiastic

When they brought out a cake that looked FUCKING FANTASTIC

This cake looked so amazing, it looked like an utter dream

With tons of salted caramel fuckin’ buttercream

The bartender began to cut amidst my great emotion

And all of the sudden things just went into slow motion

He wiped the knife off on his hand and of course my gaze did linger

As he slowly sucked the frosting off of EVERY FUCKING FINGER

It was like a fucking crime, I shoulda called the dang police

As he went and stuck those hands in every motherfuckin’ piece

Pensively I took my slice, and perhaps it was the booze

But I knew cake was something that was just too good to lose

And that shit was so damn good, you guys, I swear I’d give fellatio

To the baker who decided on that frosting to cake ratio

And I’m glad I stretched my bounds a bit, this Hanukkah I grew

But this entire fuckin’ week I’ve had the mothafuckin’ flu

So simply to avoid this very tragic party foul

I urge you to use protection, wipe your knife off on a towel

And that girl whose mom was gross, well, she turned out kinda groovy

You can all see her this Christmas starring in that Les Miz movie

(Totally kidding, it wasn’t Anne Hathaway. But it would be crazy if it was, right?)

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Potty Politics

Yo I’ve got a bone that I’ve gotsta pick with you

Sometimes I complain, you see, because I am a Jew

And when something annoys me, or stresses me out it

Occurs to me to write a fuckin’ Jewey rap about it

So I came to you today with a well-defined mission

To make things better in the bathroom when we’re agoing public pishin’

Now this shit is for serious, a really major gripe

When people tinkle on the seat and they don’t even care to WIPE

And that’s what I’ll discuss today, with you I’ll share my views

But what irks me even more is what I’m seein’ on the news

BUT I decided long ago I wouldn’t make this blog political

So I won’t rap about that, cuz this bitch ain’t hypocritical

So hereby I’ll return to the aforementioned matter

About all these people peein’ and not cleanin’ EXCESS SPLATTER

When you choose your public bathroom stall, before you’ve peed or shitted

Once you turn that little lock you’re fuckin’ FULL TOILET COMMITTED

Whatever splatter’s on the seat, no matter just how insurmountable

Is left for you to clean up or you will be held accountable

So let’s say you have this guy, cleanin’ up for those before him

Cuz any droplets left behind, he’s now RESPONSIBLE FOR ‘EM

So he’s gotta make a mitt with the whole damn roll of paper

And clean up for the toilet seat’s LEGITIMATE RAPER

And though the problem may be worse than he could ever ascertain

He grits his teeth, gets to work, and never thinks to complain

And he chose that stall even though he really had a hunch

That the guy who went before him had CHIPOTLE FOR LUNCH

Any thought of backing down? This dude would certainly nix it

There is a problem in this stall and he DEVOTES HIS LIFE TO FIX IT

And still you have these folks outside always so quickly criticizing

Before he even took that stall they were politicizing

And what really blows my mind is that they even have the gall

To overlook the things he’s gotten done while locked inside that stall

In his efforts to clean up he’s saved American cars

And given healthcare to the people who have PREEXISTING SARS

And let’s say he may not always be the very best DEBATA

But he fuckin’ decimated mothafuckin’ AL-QAEDA

He let soldiers serve us proudly, whether they be straight or gay

And doesn’t plan to make amendments that would TAKE FOLKS’ RIGHTS AWAY

Still the others really think that they can clean up all that wiz

They’ve got a five-point plan to do it, but WON’T TELL YOU WHAT IT IS

But they’ll sneer and point their fingers and just never will confess

That they’re proposing the same shit that got us INTO THIS MESS

They have this puppet speaking for them and he’s sounding like a clown

Saying there will be less mess if we go back and TRICKLE DOWN?

And still they want us to believe that they could better represent

All of our bathrooms (‘CEPT FORTY-SEVEN PERCENT)

And they’re flopping back and forth on every mothafuckin’ issue

While they guy in there is down to his last square of toilet tissue

Therefore in the world of bathrooms we now have this great divide

Of those who work to clean things up and those who blame and hide

I know neither side is perfect, but at least one guy is trying

Instead of simply pandering and frankly FLAT-OUT LYING

Now just to clarify that you’re in no need of correction

I’m talkin’ about BATHROOMS here, not of no damn election

We all need our public toilets so we have to do our parts

They’re there for our emergencies and ghost poops (those are farts)

And now’s the time to exercise that very basic right

And support the ones who you best think will help us to win this fight

Any effort set to block your voice I simply do abhor

Just as much as I hate a LACKLUSTER METAPHOR

So go pull up your pants and wipe your lil’ booty

And make sure your voice is heard because now that’s what I call DUTY

That’s what this land is all about, the core of our foundation

So wipe the fuckin’ seat and let’s clean up our uriNATION

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High School, Bitch.

I know you’ll be real shocked, based on just how cool I am

That in high school being popular, wasn’t quite my jam

I never smoked cigarettes, I was scared of emphysema

I didn’t drink till college when I passed out from one ZIMA

I wore Doc Martens and huge glasses cuz I couldn’t see real far

The Stephen Schwartz pic in my locker didn’t make me populer–lar

If two popular kids were talkin’ bout a wild party

I’d ask, “Lippa or LaChiusa?” and they’d think I was retardy

I didn’t re’lize to be cool it would really help to flaunt your

Assets other than your Jewish hair and your orthodonture

So I knew my only chance to be even slightly cool

Would come my sophomore of high school on our CHOIR TRIP FOOL

The only glimmer of hope throughout my dark awkward phase

Was in our choir trip to Disney WHAT UP MAGIC MUSIC DAYS

I wasn’t good at being slutty, I could never go commando

But I knew that I could make some friends when we were in Orlando

There I’d finally be free from the cruel high school brutality

And score some friends at Disney with my WINNING PERSONALITY

We’d be free to be ourselves, I thought, without drugs or booze

And I’d make friends in choir with my fellow ALTO TWOS

On our first day in Orlando, we thought we would embark

On a choir, band, and orchestra trip to a water park

A water park in Disney? My public school just wouldn’t hear it

So our rickety old bus drove to a water park NEAR IT

There were only two slides, because this place was fuckin’ janky

The water was cold and a LITTLE BIT STANKY

I thought this could be my chance to show them I was fun and clever

And we’d be BFFFFs (BEST FUCKIN’ FRIENDS FOR FUCKIN’ EVER)

So all the other kids rushed to the family raft ride

No one dared go near The Bomb, a frightening vertical slide

Then I thought to myself, I was done with high school slavery

Maybe I could win some friends with some chutzpah (Jewish bravery)

This was so outside my comfort zone, that water was contagious

But I decided it was time for me to do something courageous

So I boldly broke away and walked straight toward The Bomb

They all saw me and saluted like I was on my way to Nam

The entire group was watching me, standing at attention

As I grasped the rusty railing and I started my ascension

My heart was pounding quickly at the top of the ladder

I could feel it in my chest, and a little in my bladder

Every eye was on me, just to see me do my duty

They started chanting my name! Like I was mother fuckin’ RUDY

I lay down and crossed my arms and I laid back my head

And I said the HaMotzi, BITCH, THE JEWISH PRAYER FOR BREAD

And then I was on my way, it was rather histrionic

My life flashed before my eyes and I received my first colonic

And I finally got down to the pool at the bottom

I envisioned my new friends and the crazy way I got ’em

I proudly stood up, overcome with such emotion

And the rest of the world started moving in slow motion

It was like a lucid dream, or whatever that thing’s called

Where there’s 80’s music and I’m  MOLLY FUCKIN’ RINGWALD

I threw my arms up in the air, I was filled with such elation

I turned to the crowd to receive my celebration

High school would be better now, with friends, and boys and kissing

But I stood there in the water and knew there was something missing

A heavy silence filled the air, you could have heard a pin drop

Soon I realized what was missing, bitch, MY MOTHAFUCKIN TOP

It was floating in the wading pool, right there in the middle

I sank down under water and I maybe peed a little

No thread of popularity ever did transpire

And now all of my bikinis, I make sure, have underwire

They missed out on a great kid, so they’re all a buncha suckers

And they sure missed out cuz now my tits are huge, mothafuckas

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Bagels, Bitch.

YO every Sunday morning all we Jews go on a mission

Like Tevye told Lazar Wolf, “THIS SHIT IS OUR TRADITION”

You jump right out of bed (where you are practicing your kagels)

And you get your ass in line to get some MOTHA FUCKIN’ BAGELS

I don’t want no fancy shit, NO THANKS, BAREFOOT CONTESSA

I used to go to H&H but now I go to ESS-A

And fellas, if you want a bitch, before you go and pork her

Take her out for bagels, see if she’s a true New Yorker

You don’t need no background check, no need to check her references

All you need to know is in her FUCKIN’ BAGEL PREFERENCES

Yo don’t want a bitch who goes and orders a dozen

They’ll be bad in 3 hours, eat them HOT NOW, COUSIN

She’ll tell you she’ll just freeze ’em when she gives her big-ass order

Back the fuck away, you’ve found a FUCKIN’ BAGEL HOARDER

If she likes a lot of seeds, I’m talkin’ sesame or poppy

And gets ’em all up in her teeth, then you can bet that bitch is sloppy

You know she’ll be a downer with some deep, depressing ballad

If she orders MOTHAFUCKIN’ WHITEFISH MOTHAFUCKIN’ SALAD

Girls are fun and quirky if they order pumpernickel

She’ll be easy if she gets herself a BIG FULL SOUR PICKLE

Beware of cinnamon raisin, if you know what I mean

They may be real hot but they’re like, SO under eighteen

She’s real Jewey if she asks them, “Can you scoop it out please??”

Yeah, bitch, you’ll get real skinny once you fill that shit with CHEESE

If you wanna bag a shiksa, then you know that you’ll be safe

If she gets bacon on that bagel–LEMME HEAR YA SAY TRAIF

And a bitch who gets a flagel will be sure to take good care of ya

She maximizes overall POTENTIAL SCHMEARING AREA

A bitch who really knows the perfect schmear-to-bagel ratio

In my informal study, tends to give the best fellatio

She knows to spread it evenly, across the whole diameter

She even knows to rap it out in I-AM-BIC PENTAMETER (or really more heptameter…if she’s really awesome)

I can always tell a guy who had a bagel bitch come ova

To me, the smell of love is wholewheat everything and NOVA

And for some extra credit, after you go make your nookie

Forget the cigarette and have a BLACK AND WHITE COOKIE

So why are you still home? Go get some bitches up in here

Get your ass some bagels with some MOTHAFUCKIN SCHMEAR

word.

My View, Bitch.

Yo recently we moved, I’m not sure if you knew

From our first New York apartment with a stunning river view

And we quickly learned our view of New York living was quite slanted

Cuz we took that river view of ours TOTALLY FOR GRANTED

Sure it’s nice to see the sun as if it’s rising just for you

And to watch the boats sail by in the East River, oh so blue brown

But we fell into a habit there, it hardly is a crime

Bitch, we were MOTHA FUCKIN NAKED ALL THE MOTHA FUCKIN TIME

I would wake up every morning, watch the sunrise in euphoria

Nobody could see me (‘cept for sections of Astoria)

I’d drink a cup of coffee and I’d even shake a titty

That was my morning ritual GOOD MORNING NEW YORK CITAAYY

The nearest building was a hospital which hardly was in sight

There was a SLIGHT chance they could see me if my light was on at night

But the chances were so small, that I’d kinda just ignore it

If a patient caught a glimpse of me, no one  was worse off for it

I pretended like that hospital that sorta was in view

Was the one Macaulay Culkin helped in Home Alone PART TWO

I had no turtle doves to give them, but I always was undressed

So every Christmas I’d be sure to flash my DUNCAN’S TOY CHEST

I have a decent rack, and I’m not saying it to gloat

If the sick folks saw, I was FULFILLING MY MITZVOT

Now our new place is real nice and great, please don’t get me wrong

But don’t it always seem to go? (Like in that Joni Mitchell song)

When we are naked and we look out on what used to be the water

Now there’s a family staring back, a mom and dad, a son and daughter

The dad saw me the first time, I wasn’t sure how to behave

I thought, I hadn’t met them yet, I might as well just wave

The nanny and the girl saw my guy and were offended

Old habits do die hard, (let’s say that pun was not intended)

They were sitting at the table doing homework–long division

But she got a bonus lesson plan on Jewish circumcision

The mother saw me once, and she ran away quite frantic

She had never seen a chest that was so Jewishly gigantic

I am trying to improve, but now and then I’m found

So my newest plan of action is to drop right to the ground

There’s nowhere else to hide in that lapse of self control

So I make like a fire drill and  STOP DROP AND ROLL

For them it’s better than a river view, Hudson River’s septic

It’s more fun to watch their neighbor who’s a NUDIST EPILEPTIC

But just the other day, bitch, I think I learned my lesson

When I saw the dad across the way, openly undressin’

And from that point on, I changed my ways, I don’t need no adjustin’

Cuz bitch, I tell you, what I saw was really damn DISGUSTIN’

So I may not have my river view, that chapter sadly ends

But I have my ugly naked guy, LIKE MONICA ON FRIENDS

He’s clothed right now, and he just waved, he caught the look I shot him

Little does he know, I’m fuckin’ naked on the bottom

word.

Bingo, Bitch.

Yo my father always thought it was kinda pathetic

That he raised two healthy kids and neither one was real althetic

My dad played soccer and baseball and he really kicked some ass

But my allergies act up when I get close to FRESH CUT GRASS

I thought the basketball team in junior high would be my mission

But I was only 4 feet tall and called the tryout my AUDITION

I was bound and determined, even if it took forever

To make my daddy proud and find a sporting endeavor

And in college I had finally found the end to my search

Yes, I found all of the answers down at the LOCAL CHURCH

You’re like, “A church? But you are Jewish! Bitch, this must be some mistake”

See, my friend’s boyfriend volunteered there, so they gave us all free cake

Then they rolled out all these tables and the gaming had begun

I had finally found my sport IT WAS BINGO TIME, SON

Before I knew what hit me, I was well into the game

Everyone was 90 but this shiznit was INSANE

It all happened very quickly, when they called 065

“HOLY FUCK BINGOOO” I’d never felt so damn ALIVE

They came and verified my card and I was feelin’ fuckin’ baller

I won the bingo game–what what–THIRTY DOLLAR

I took my money and I left and I shouted, “GEE THANKS!”

To bad-ass ladies outside smoking with their OXYGEN TANKS

So while other kids did keg stands and some Jägerbombs and shot-skis

I spent my college Fridays with my bingo cards and tschotskes

See the old pros all brought rabbit feet and crosses for good luck

I brought a pic of Steven Sondheim and some SKITTLES, MOTHA FUCK

I went to church every Friday like a good Jew girl on Shabbos

Otherwise I’d sit at home and listen to LES MISERABLES

So I’d gamble and eat cake that was free for my consumption

And I’d make my daddy proud, THANK YOU CHURCH OF THE ASSUMPTION

When I moved into the city, though, things weren’t quite the same

Where could a little Jew girl find a friendly Christian game?

So I gave up on my quest and I finally said shalom

And volunteered to call some games down at the Jewish nursing home

They couldn’t hear a thing, but they were really so enthralled

Everybody shouting BINGO at each number that I called

I was charming and so funny and they pooped their pants with laughter

When I would call B4 everyone would yell, “AND AFTER!”

So of course for every ball, I’d come up with some witty line

“The doctor has good news if your tumor is…” (everybody) “B9!”

Sometimes it was too much, and they got a little hyper

Each time that someone won, they would need a brand new diaper

So the other night I tried my luck with some younger cats

When I went to bingo night downtown at Tortilla Flats

I was back in the game! Instead of cake, we had fajitas

And instead of pics of Sondheim I had TONS OF MARGARITAS

I had a lot of fun, but things still were not the same

Cuz all of these young bitches don’t know how to PLAY THE GAME

This girl thought she had bingo so she called it loudly BUT

It was a false alarm, CUZ THAT GIRL’S A STUPID SLUT

This other girl called bingo WHEN SHE STILL NEEDED TWO MORE!

NO YOU DON’T HAVE BINGO, BITCH, YOU STUPID STUPID WHORE

The people I was with were great, but still none of us won

But I have to tell ya, bitch, it was a lot of fuckin’ fun

So although it ain’t the sport my dad had hoped upon his kin

Margaritas with old friends, in my book, always is a win

So go and play some bingo kids, I hope you fill a line

And be sure to think of me next time you get O69

word.