Bingo, Bitch.

Yo my father always thought it was kinda pathetic

That he raised two healthy kids and neither one was real althetic

My dad played soccer and baseball and he really kicked some ass

But my allergies act up when I get close to FRESH CUT GRASS

I thought the basketball team in junior high would be my mission

But I was only 4 feet tall and called the tryout my AUDITION

I was bound and determined, even if it took forever

To make my daddy proud and find a sporting endeavor

And in college I had finally found the end to my search

Yes, I found all of the answers down at the LOCAL CHURCH

You’re like, “A church? But you are Jewish! Bitch, this must be some mistake”

See, my friend’s boyfriend volunteered there, so they gave us all free cake

Then they rolled out all these tables and the gaming had begun

I had finally found my sport IT WAS BINGO TIME, SON

Before I knew what hit me, I was well into the game

Everyone was 90 but this shiznit was INSANE

It all happened very quickly, when they called 065

“HOLY FUCK BINGOOO” I’d never felt so damn ALIVE

They came and verified my card and I was feelin’ fuckin’ baller

I won the bingo game–what what–THIRTY DOLLAR

I took my money and I left and I shouted, “GEE THANKS!”

To bad-ass ladies outside smoking with their OXYGEN TANKS

So while other kids did keg stands and some Jägerbombs and shot-skis

I spent my college Fridays with my bingo cards and tschotskes

See the old pros all brought rabbit feet and crosses for good luck

I brought a pic of Steven Sondheim and some SKITTLES, MOTHA FUCK

I went to church every Friday like a good Jew girl on Shabbos

Otherwise I’d sit at home and listen to LES MISERABLES

So I’d gamble and eat cake that was free for my consumption

And I’d make my daddy proud, THANK YOU CHURCH OF THE ASSUMPTION

When I moved into the city, though, things weren’t quite the same

Where could a little Jew girl find a friendly Christian game?

So I gave up on my quest and I finally said shalom

And volunteered to call some games down at the Jewish nursing home

They couldn’t hear a thing, but they were really so enthralled

Everybody shouting BINGO at each number that I called

I was charming and so funny and they pooped their pants with laughter

When I would call B4 everyone would yell, “AND AFTER!”

So of course for every ball, I’d come up with some witty line

“The doctor has good news if your tumor is…” (everybody) “B9!”

Sometimes it was too much, and they got a little hyper

Each time that someone won, they would need a brand new diaper

So the other night I tried my luck with some younger cats

When I went to bingo night downtown at Tortilla Flats

I was back in the game! Instead of cake, we had fajitas

And instead of pics of Sondheim I had TONS OF MARGARITAS

I had a lot of fun, but things still were not the same

Cuz all of these young bitches don’t know how to PLAY THE GAME

This girl thought she had bingo so she called it loudly BUT

It was a false alarm, CUZ THAT GIRL’S A STUPID SLUT

This other girl called bingo WHEN SHE STILL NEEDED TWO MORE!

NO YOU DON’T HAVE BINGO, BITCH, YOU STUPID STUPID WHORE

The people I was with were great, but still none of us won

But I have to tell ya, bitch, it was a lot of fuckin’ fun

So although it ain’t the sport my dad had hoped upon his kin

Margaritas with old friends, in my book, always is a win

So go and play some bingo kids, I hope you fill a line

And be sure to think of me next time you get O69

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Soda, Bitch.

Yo I’ve thought a lot about it y’all and I am not a fan

Of lil’ Mayor Bloomberg’s motha fuckin’ SODA BAN

I was all about the trans fat rules but now he goes and pounces

On my right to drink a big-ass drink OVER 16 OUNCES

You don’t realize, Mr. Mayor, but you’re really overthrowin’

This Jewey girl’s experience of movie theatre goin’

You’d know that this proposal is not even worth debating

If you knew the role big soda plays in my movie rating

See, the first thing that I do when I see a movie, sister

Is I go and buy a huge-ass drink–A FUCKIN’ DOUBLE-FISTER

I start sippin’ when the movie starts and by the end I know

Whether or not to say this film’s a MUST GO

See, the quality of film is indirectly correlated

To the number of times that I got up and urinated

And I thusly have developed my own movie rating system

You want a few examples? YEAH, YOU GOT IT, BITCH!  I’LL LIST EM:

I never left to pee even though I sat there grunting

When I watched a young Matt Damon mop the floors in Good Will Hunting

Sometimes films are long, but I have my ways to deal

I spent The King’s Speech sitting on my fuckin’ heel

The Departed was amazing so I needed some finagling

I sat glued to my seat simply practicing my kageling

At the remake of King Kong I both peed and took a poo

I peed twice and called my grandma during Transformers PART TWO

I didn’t leave at Up or at Toy Story 3

I simply sat there weeping and just cryin’ out my pee

I made it through the whole damn thing when I saw Inception

But I think I might have dreamt I had a BLADDER INFECTION

So basically, Bloomie, all this nonsense has to stop

This is the USA where we’re free to drink our pop

Put your focus somewhere else, Mike, perhaps on something fiscal

While my Diet Coke and bladder help make me the next Gene Siskel

Wait, hold up, this just in, HOLD THE PHONE, BITCH BE QUIET

This ban is just for REGULAR??? I’m a Jew girl, I DRINK DIET

Y’all are drinking regular? OMG THAT’S GROSS AND LAME

Instead you should be healthy: SUPERSIZE YOUR ASPARTAME

Bloomberg wants to help, he isn’t trying to defeat us

Or we’ll all be Wilford Brimleys dealing with our diabeetus

I gots to go see Magic Mike, I bet I’ll pee before it ends

I’ll skip the Diet Coke and stick to Twizzlers and Depends

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Pizza, Bitch.

Yo I moved to New York from the good ol’ Midwest

Why did I move? Cuz it’s the MOTHA FUCKIN’ BEST

Sure Ohio’s less expensive, more charming, and much greener

New York has more pollution and is Jewier and meaner

I’ll always love Ohio, Cleveland’s really fuckin’ great

But I gotsta say my mind is in an EMPIRE STATE

Bitch, I loves what Jay-Z and Alicia be dishin’

Even with their quite improper USE OF A PREPOSITION

I defend it to my family like, “People here aren’t rude!”

And plus, if nothing else, I love New York for the food

Cuz frankly I don’t need you to be all cute and nice

When I go into a pizza joint to feed my face a slice

But just the other night I had a pizza run go bad

I won’t mention where I was cuz STANTON PIZZA WOULD BE MAD

127 Stanton is the more precise address

We stopped in because my husband has male-onset PMS

So once a month I feed him all the food I have on hand

And I give him the remote to watch THE NOTEBOOK ON DEMAND

I know him so well that by the way he was behaving

I would gladly give in to his late-night pizza craving

So we walk into the joint and I can’t believe my eyes

So many fuckin’ beautiful fuckin’ PIZZA PIES

The pepperoni look delicious, they’re all juicy and big

But I’m all good and Jewey so I DO NOT EAT THE PIG

At the the time it seemed too girly to just get a slice of veggie

I was tired and sweaty with a HUGE SPANX WEDGIE

My husband decides that he thinks he’s gonna getta

Slice of the fresh lookin’ one THAT IS THEIR BRUSCHETTA

So the dude cuts a slice for my very handsome fella

And I think I’m leaning toward the one with fresh mozzarella

But he cuts my guys bruschetta and that shit looks good as hell

So I’m like, “Actually, I’m gonna please have one of those as well”

And the dude shoots me this sneer that’s sayin’, “Really? are you shitting me?”

And I laugh cuz he’s just playin’, right? He’s gotta be kidding me

So I’m all like, “Whoops, sorry!” still thinking that he’s toying

He barks, “CUTTING SEPARATE SLICES IS JUST REALLY DAMN ANNOYING”

He was yellin’ pretty sternly which was givin’ me the shakes

Which resulted in my pouring all of the RED PEPPER FLAKES

So we ate our pizza quietly and left right at the end

We headed down the street and then we bumped into a friend

We all were early for a party right there on Stanton Street

She’s like, “You guys know somewhere close where I can grab a bite to eat?”

I tell her ’bout the pizza place and say the guy was vicious

But the more I talk about it, man, THAT PIZZA WAS DELICIOUS

So the three of us walk in and the guy’s about to plotz

This time I’d play it safe and simply order GARLIC KNOTS

Garlic knots are friendly! I love eatin’ ’em and smellin’ ’em

And then he yells at me again, “I HATE MAKIN’ ‘EM AND SELLIN’ ‘EM”

I have no clue what’s going on, I am really at a loss

And he mockingly turns to me as asks, “You want some sauce?”

BITCH, OF COURSE I WANT SAUCE! So I mutter, “Yes please”

But I wasn’t gonna push and ask for PARMESAN CHEESE

The next customer comes in that this dude’s about to serve

He says, “I hate it when people ask for sauce, WHAT NERVE”

I just cannot pick up on these social cues he’s handin’

I feel awkward and Aspergery like fuckin’ TEMPLE GRANDIN

I wanted to tell someone–like the pizza paparazzi

SOMETHING MUST BE DONE ABOUT THE FUCKIN’ GARLIC NAZI

Bullying is bad, but I couldn’t let it fester

This was a pizza joint, bitch, not a school bus in Rochester

So I take a big deep breath and I try not to get mad

And those fuckin’ garlic knots were like, the best I’d ever had

I loved the pizza and the knots, every bite, I couldn’t help it

I wanted to go home and fucking FIVE STAR YELP IT

So I wrote a good review, I know, I couldn’t be much dorkier

Getting yelled at with great pizza, bitch, it don’t get much New Yorkier

And I left him a good tip and now attention has been paid

All in this concrete jungle, OF WHICH DREAMS ARE MADE

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My Sweetie, Bitch.

Yo just last week was our anniversary

And marriage, let me say, is everything I’d hoped it’d be

We’re partners and lovers, a team and best friends

We watch The Bachelorette and fall asleep before it ENDS

These past four years have truly been nothing short of heaven

He does wake up before me cuz he has to work at seven

And every day I wake up knowing just what I’ll encounter

When I walk into the kitchen and I look upon the counter

Although he leaves so quietly and doesn’t make a racket

HE NEVER FUCKIN’ THROWS AWAY HIS MOTHER FUCKIN’ SPLENDA PACKET

Ya see, we love our coffee maker, like I can’t even express-o

A morning ain’t a morning til this bitch has her Nespresso

He always makes his cappuccino from the comfort of our home

He knows just how to sweeten it and not disturb his FOAM

Two thirds of a Splenda, and he stirs in gingerly

I’M DOWN WITH OCD, YEAH YOU KNOW ME

He drinks his morning java and he cleans up the machine

He puts on that little stethoscope and flees the fuckin’ scene

So then I wake up about an hour or so later

And see some yellow on the counter next to the ‘frigerator

Believe it or not, he’s a doctor, not a trucker

BUT HE NEVER THROWS AWAY THAT SPLENDA PACKET MOTHA FUCKER

The trash can’s right below, it don’t require you to think

(We Jews all keep our garbage cans underneath the sink)

Now my husband is real brilliant, this fact I must admit

He not only is a doctor, but does RESEARCH AND SHIT

If you have a question, you can bet he’ll have an answer

I bet him a B.J. that he’ll probably cure cancer

There is nary a disease that he cannot diagnose

BUT HE CANNOT THROW AWAY THAT MOTHA FUCKIN’ SUCRALOSE

This problem used to take place only in our house

Cuz who would clean your Splenda up other than your spouse?

But the other day we stopped to get an iced coffee or two

At this little shop by us that does a mean COLD BREW

I knew he wouldn’t do it there, so I just took sip

But I turned around and saw that he had left out JUST THE TIP

Just the TIP of the Splenda, yeah–word to your mom

Just the TIP? It’s a coffee shop–not the fuckin’ PROM

It’s like my smart sexy man has this crazy presumption

That the world needs to keep tabs on his Splenda consumption

He can’t believe he does this cuz he’s usually so neat

And he always says he’s sorry cuz he’s NAT-U-RALLY SWEET

And he goes to hold my hand, and I feel his wedding ring

In these past four years of marriage, bitch, I wouldn’t change a thing

He says he’ll try to change next time, but really I don’t care

Cuz that little yellow packet lets me know that he was there

We just went out for coffee at this little cafe

He said, “Don’t you even worry, I know what you’re gonna say”

“It’s our fifth year of marriage now, so Baby, let’s begin it”

And he walked right by the garbage and he threw his Splenda in it on itImageword.

Hot Toys, Bitch.

Yo, every now and then my husband works the night shift

It gets lonely up in here, a girl could use a little lift

So what do ladies do when they’re left without their boys?

Bitches this is when you gotsta go and get yourself some TOYS

And my favorite toy of all is one handsome little devil

He is sleek and stainless steel and I call him my Breville

Yes, when I am all alone and I need a little lovin’

I ain’t gotta look much further than my fuckin’ TOASTER OVEN

Ladies, when you are in need of a little affection

Why not give yourself the added perk of cooking with CONVECTION?

I guess my Foreman will do when I need a grilling fix

I use my KitchenAid when I am just too lazy to mix

That immersion wand’s the shit when I’m whipping heavy cream

And I stay hydrated now, thanks to my SODA STREAM

But as I look my appliances and all of their utilities

The toaster oven always wins with its ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES

It does ANYTHING I WANT when I plug it in the socket

Bitch, if I swung that way it would make me a HOT POCKET

When you defrost things in the microwave, they’re chewy–IT’S UPSETTING

The toaster oven makes things perfectly–THANK YOU FROZEN SETTING

When food is gross and soggy, bitch, I really do abhor it

I’m so happy with my Breville- GLAD I REGISTERED FOR IT!

You can cook a small roast in there if you really wanna

That’s where I made my kugel–when?–ON FUCKIN’ ROSH HASHANAH!

And for all those sleepless nights when you’re sad and all alone

There’s a special pizza setting and a CUSTOM PIZZA STONE

If you have a chicken breast and a little olive oil

Just set it and forget it, LET THE BREVILLE DO THE BROIL

Keep your leftovers, it reheats them for you later

You can make a tiny brisket for a TINY PESACH SEDER

It has infinite potential just for you to uncork

Just ask Sonja Morgan–from Real Housewives of NEW YORK

It makes me tons of food and it stops when I say when

Yeah, I like my toaster ovens, bitch,  just like I like my men (Jewish)

So of course I miss my husband, cuz I do love him the most

I’ll think about him later, cuz now mama needs some TOAST

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Allergies, Bitch.

Yo you’re sneezy and itchy, and I’ll tell you all the reason

It’s that time of year, bitch, that’s right, IT’S ALLERGY SEASON

Now, I’m kinda an expert, cuz of course I get them too

Bitch, allergies are part of what it means to be a JEW

So I feel like it’s my duty just to lay you out some terms

‘Bout how yous gots to be responsible with your fuckin’ GERMS

I can’t tell you how often I be yellin’ BITCH PLEASE

When y’all don’t cover up when you motha fuckin’ SNEEZE

You should be prepared, it shouldn’t come as a surprise

Lee Goldberg’s AccuWeather forecast says when pollen levels RISE

Ever since the Civil War, both the Rebels and the Yankees

Took a break from slaves and killing to catch sneezes in their HANKIES

You bet drinking and schtuppin’ dont’ be stoppin Don Draper

From catchin’ his damn sexy snot in some TISSUE PAPER

We’ve got new guidelines now, bitch, you know what I mean

This ain’t the nineteen hundreds, this two thousand and THIRTEEN

So if you don’t have a kleenex, bitch, don’t act all naive

Simply sneeze in your elbow–yeah girl– in your UPPER SLEEVE

Gone are the days of sneezin’ in your fuckin’ hand

That’s how cholera spread throughout MANY A LAND

Yes, your nasty-ass cough could wipe out the whole nation

Either that or put a damper on my POST-PASSOVER VACATION

You bet the girl on the plane wasn’t havin’ much fun

When a dude coughed and gave her herpes simplex TYPE ONE

And I heard about a chick who sneezed and touched the subway bars

Then the whole fuckin N train got mother fuckin’ SARS

And another time a mom snotted on her kid’s strolla

And all them kids in playgroup ended up gettin’ EBOLA

You betta believe it, all these stories are true

And the way we stop the germs, bitch, it begins with YOU

So sneeze in your sleeve, and then wash your hands real well

And then marry a doctor, simply for the FREE PURELL

And now you know when you feel your nose itch

Take care of your germs, or else I will choke a bitch

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Passover, Bitch.

Easter is upon us, bitch, and as you might suspect

I ain’t out celebratin’ Jesus bein’ RESURRECT

While all you kids are mackin’ on your Peeps and chocolate eggs

I’ll eat some mandel bread at home and shavin’ my JEWISH LEGS

While you don your Lilly Pulitzer and patent leather shoes

I will celebrate a different day with my fellow Jews

It’s a very special holiday, can you tell me which?

Toss that bread out the window cuz IT’S PASSOVER, BITCH!

So for the next week you bet yo ass I am goin’ to be

One of them bitches who’s all, “UMMMM…Is this gluten-free?”

So gather all around, all my sisters and brothers,

And I’ll tell you why this night is so much DIFFERENT THAN THE OTHERS

We tell the tale of our escape from the Pharaoh and some haters

We still eat and still complain but we call these dinners SEDERS

Our people fled from Egypt thanks to locusts and some frogs

So that their greatgreatgreatgreat granddaughter could write some RAPPING BLOGS

And Pharoah had some boils and noone could diagnose it

Cuz the Jewish doctors LEFT and now we laugh and eat CHAROSET

They had to flee the land with just the matzo on their backs

Bitch, you know those were my ancestors, WE ALWAYS CARRY SNACKS

It was one long-ass journey, through the desert they were roamin’

And as we read about it someone hides the afikomen

And the kids all run to find it, hopin’ they will be the winner

Leave it to us Jews to MAKE SOME MONEY DURING DINNER

And the Jews escaped to freedom and were filled with such elation

So we celebrate with matzo and a week of constipation

And we laugh and eat and every year the brisket gets much chewier

So it kinda is like other nights, but better, and much Jewier

So no matter what you celebrate, please enjoy your day-ach

And if you see a Jew, you wish that bitch a CHAG SAMEACH.

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