Tag Archives: Judaism
Equality, Bitch.
So I’m riding on the subway with my fellow Jews & goys
And sitting right across I see these gorgeous little boys
They were riding on the 6 train with this chick who was their nanny
(No, not cuz they’re Hispanic and this chick is Pakistani)
I heard her tellin’ someone she’s a nanny and a bassist
I didn’t make assumptions, bitch, I AIN’T NO NANNY RACIST
They were playing nice and quietly with little cars and boats
And dressed up so adorably in MATCHING MONCLER COATS
They were munching on some healthy snacks, a little veggie crudo
They looked like tiny 4-year-old MEMBERS OF MENUDO
As I looked into their gorgeous eyes and perfect dimpled grins
I whispered, “Motherfucker. THOSE ARE RICKY MARTIN’S TWINS.”
Bitch, I’m well-versed in celeb kids (I once saw Bronx Mowgli Wentz)
And Ricky Martin’s on the East Side SO THE 6 TRAIN WOULD MAKE SENSE!
Of course I kept real quiet (didn’t wanna seem a dork)
Bitch, that’s just how you roll when YOU ARE FUCKIN’ FROM NEW YORK
(Well, I’m actually from Cleveland, but I’m sayin’ that’s how I WOULD in fact roll, if I was actually from New York) (bitch)
And speaking of New York, there is no place I’d rather be
Than where these two boys and their dads can be a fuckin’ family
I looked right at these happy kids, how nicely they were seated
And I thought about some news of late and got real fuckin’ heated
I promised long ago I wouldn’t make this blog political
But this shit isn’t politics–BITCH, I ain’t hypocritical
Keeping anyone from marrying just really gets me fumin’
I told ya, it ain’ politics, it’s simply fuckin’ HUMAN
Folks comparing beastiality to people who are gay!?!?
If anyone’s unfit to parent it’s the ones who think that way
Politicians cheering Chick-fil-a, all in the name of God?
And what if Track or Trig were gay?? Or (more likely)Todd?
The best thing we can give this world, so far and above
Is to let us all live equally and openly with love
I left train and smiled at Matteo and his brother (Valentino. duh.)
Who on earth would keep their dads from fuckin’ marrying each other?
Bitch, I fucking love my husband, our bond is crazy thick
I’d SO marry him again, even if he were a chick
Love is simply love, gay or straight, New York or Boca
And for two people in love to wed? That vida sure ain’t loca
I walked home and I thought about how much I find it bothering
How anyone could question love and question loving fathering
NPH and David Burtka, Ellen, Portia, Cam & Mitch?
If anyone keeps them from marrying, I’ll fuckin’ choke a bitch
I got home and went online for just a little decompression
And I wrote this lil’ rap for you in true PASSIVE AGGRESSION
And I Google Image searched a pic of Ricky and his tots
And I found one from that very day! I’M LIKE GONNA PLOTZ
He was walking through an airport, kids in hand and standing tall
And I zoomed in on the boys AND THEY WEREN’T WHO I SAW AT ALL
They were acting like his kids, one on each leg so tightly latching
BUT IT JUST CAN’T BE SO! THEIR JACKETS AREN’T EVEN MATCHING
They had no designer clothes and no Evita paraphernalia
And they weren’t on the 6 train–THEY WERE FUCKING IN AUSTRALIA
So my boys weren’t Ricky Martin’s kids, as far as I can tell
But I’m sure they have gay dads–they just were dressed too fucking well
No matter who their parents are, why not let them wed?
I logged onto my Facebook, seems we all be seeing red
Other people’s love is good, please don’t be a hater
Don’t be a Scalia, be a Kagan or RUTH BADER
Let’s keep our fingers crossed that we will see the end of DOMA
And see some FAB new registries at Williams and Sonoma
And let’s all teach our kids to love, they hear what we’re impartin’
Do it for the greater good (and for Ricky Martin)
Word.
Marriage, Bitch.
With Delaware there’s now eleven states in our great nation
To have legalized gay marriage, bitch, that’s cause for celeBRATION
And when it comes to marriage, I am TOTES the expert source
I’ve been married five whole years, so like, DUH OF COURSE
Now that so many more of us can enter wedded bliss
I’m ’bout to give y’all some insight BETTA LISTEN UP TO THIS
Now, I really love my husband, bitch, I’ve said it many times
We’re committed to each other (COUGH COUGH LeAnn COUGH COUGH Rimes)
But marriage is complex and really nobody explores
All the things be happenin’ behind closed married doors
So before y’all get hitched and go become co-haBITable
There are many things ’bout which you should make sure you’re compatTITible
Today I’m here to tell you ’bout just one point of contention
That has lately caused some stress on our here marital convention
See there’s one thing that my husband likes a VERY certain way
Whereas I prefer it sloppily and sometimes twice a day
I initiate and get it done most of the time, however,
He would rather do it rigidly and frankly, HARDLY EVER
Now, Im not intent to scare you or cause feelings of foreboding
But before you wed, you GOTSTA talk about DISHWASHER LOADING
This is a sad sad problem, kids, so go and grab your tissues
And thank y’all for listenin’ to my WHITE GIRL JEWISH ISSUES
This has long been a problem in our real humble abode
Though I get away with my way, almost every fuckin’ load
The only time is sucks is when my guy catches a glimpse
He thinks he’s the big daddy of DISHWASHER LOADING PIMPS
And he kinda is an expert on the loading of it since
He’s never EVER lived without one (he’s a pretty pretty prince)
We’re equals in our marriage, so bitch, I don’t let him rule me
But when he sees my sloppy loading he can’t help but try to school me
His arrangement of the forks is always much better than mine
“You have to separate them so they’re CLEAN BETWEEN EACH TINE”
(That’s what the spikes on a fork are called. BITCH)
I put the glasses on the prongs and he’s all, “NO! They’re there to NESTLE”
“And tupperware goes on the top OR ELSE YOU’LL WARP THE VESSEL”
He tries to be real tender as he flips over the knives
“Honey, you don’t realize this is endangering our lives” (they’re butter knives)
“And only put as many glasses in as the tray can take,
Overcrowding and vibrations gonna cause that shit to BREAK”
“AND separate the plates, it’s REALLY BAD when they are stacking”
BITCH, you know what’s REALLY BAD? FUCKIN’hydroFRICKINGfracking
But I always get the job done when I do it my own way
He’s like the mean coach from The Mighty Ducks and BITCH, I’M COACH BOMBAY
And truth be told, the tips he has are really kinda great
But he hasn’t loaded up that shit since TWO THOUSAND AND EIGHT
And he’s so smart it blows my mind, he never stops to think
How those dishes all get clean when he just leaves them in the SINK
There are famous sloppy loaders, take Korean rapper Psy or
Perhaps Elena Kagan or SONIA SOTOMAYOR
Ok, I made that up, but you get what I mean
If a tree falls in a forest, THEN THAT SHIT’S STILL FUCKIN’ CLEAN
But when he redoes all my loading and tells me that’s horrible
I can’t help but to smile cuz his OCD’s adorable
And each time we end up laughing, every time a little louder
As he tells me why the tablets are much better than the powder
So even with this issue, this problem SO domestic
Being married to your best friend bitch, really is majestic
I’ll go put away the dishes now, no reason to protest
There’s only two glasses to put away (cuz bitch, I broke the rest)
word.
Equality, Bitch.
So I’m riding on the subway with my fellow Jews & goys
And sitting right across I see these gorgeous little boys
They were riding on the 6 train with this chick who was their nanny
(No, not cuz they’re Hispanic and this chick is Pakistani)
I heard her tellin’ someone she’s a nanny and a bassist
I didn’t make assumptions, bitch, I AIN’T NO NANNY RACIST
They were playing nice and quietly with little cars and boats
And dressed up so adorably in MATCHING MONCLER COATS
They were munching on some healthy snacks, a little veggie crudo
They looked like tiny 4-year-old MEMBERS OF MENUDO
As I looked into their gorgeous eyes and perfect dimpled grins
I whispered, “Motherfucker. THOSE ARE RICKY MARTIN’S TWINS.”
Bitch, I’m well-versed in celeb kids (I once saw Bronx Mowgli Wentz)
And Ricky Martin’s on the East Side SO THE 6 TRAIN WOULD MAKE SENSE!
Of course I kept real quiet (didn’t wanna seem a dork)
Bitch, that’s just how you roll when YOU ARE FUCKIN’ FROM NEW YORK
(Well, I’m actually from Cleveland, but I’m sayin’ that’s how I WOULD in fact roll, if I was actually from New York) (bitch)
And speaking of New York, there is no place I’d rather be
Than where these two boys and their dads can be a fuckin’ family
I looked right at these happy kids, how nicely they were seated
And I thought about some news of late and got real fuckin’ heated
I promised long ago I wouldn’t make this blog political
But this shit isn’t politics–BITCH, I ain’t hypocritical
Keeping anyone from marrying just really gets me fumin’
I told ya, it ain’ politics, it’s simply fuckin’ HUMAN
Folks comparing beastiality to people who are gay!?!?
If anyone’s unfit to parent it’s the ones who think that way
Politicians cheering Chick-fil-a, all in the name of God?
And what if Track or Trig were gay?? Or (more likely)Todd?
The best thing we can give this world, so far and above
Is to let us all live equally and openly with love
I left train and smiled at Matteo and his brother (Valentino. duh.)
Who on earth would keep their dads from fuckin’ marrying each other?
Bitch, I fucking love my husband, our bond is crazy thick
I’d SO marry him again, even if he were a chick
Love is simply love, gay or straight, New York or Boca
And for two people in love to wed? That vida sure ain’t loca
I walked home and I thought about how much I find it bothering
How anyone could question love and question loving fathering
NPH and David Burtka, Ellen, Portia, Cam & Mitch?
If anyone keeps them from marrying, I’ll fuckin’ choke a bitch
I got home and went online for just a little decompression
And I wrote this lil’ rap for you in true PASSIVE AGGRESSION
And I Google Image searched a pic of Ricky and his tots
And I found one from that very day! I’M LIKE GONNA PLOTZ
He was walking through an airport, kids in hand and standing tall
And I zoomed in on the boys AND THEY WEREN’T WHO I SAW AT ALL
They were acting like his kids, one on each leg so tightly latching
BUT IT JUST CAN’T BE SO! THEIR JACKETS AREN’T EVEN MATCHING
They had no designer clothes and no Evita paraphernalia
And they weren’t on the 6 train–THEY WERE FUCKING IN AUSTRALIA
So my boys weren’t Ricky Martin’s kids, as far as I can tell
But I’m sure they have gay dads–they just were dressed too fucking well
No matter who their parents are, why not let them wed?
I logged onto my Facebook, seems we all be seeing red
Other people’s love is good, please don’t be a hater
Don’t be a Scalia, be a Kagan or RUTH BADER
Let’s keep our fingers crossed that we will see the end of DOMA
And see some FAB new registries at Williams and Sonoma
And let’s all teach our kids to love, they hear what we’re impartin’
Do it for the greater good (and for Ricky Martin)
Word.
Menstrual Man, Bitch.
If you’re livin’ with a lady, then you know there’s nothing worse
Than that one week of the month when she gets the fuckin’ CURSE
No matter what you say, there will always be a fight
For that week (and more) you’re wrong, I mean, ladies, am I right?
So don’t bother with affection, you’re just wasting all your doting
Cuz we’d rather be alone with our Chipotle, gas, and bloating
And though I do want that burrito, I’m not trying to brag
But I really don’t get moody when I’m on the fuckin’ RAG
Now, please don’t be mistaken, thinkin’ that’s so advantageous
Because lately I’m convinced that menstrual symptoms are contagious
I have lots of detailed evidence, I’m sharing just a kernel
I’MMMA publish all this shit in the New England fuckin’ JOURNAL
It’s a medical wonder, but to you I will confess:
That when I get my ladies, my man gets the PMS
I think the estrogen just floats around and does a little switchy
I get the zits and bloating and my husband GETS THE BITCHY
Don’t get me wrong, he is a dude, all manly and testicular
But on that one week he’s stubborn and he’s so crazily particular
He’s perfect all the other weeks, with hardly any flaws
So I’ll put up with all this shit UNTIL WE MENOPAUSE
I could tell so many stories cuz the instances are ample
But here is just the latest–I’M ‘BOUT TO GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE:
Last weekend we went out of town to see our good friends marry
Our flight was Friday evening when the traffic can be hairy
We planned to cab it straight from work which was already quite darin’
But we couldn’t miss this wedding MAZEL TOV TO BEN AND ARYN
So Friday morning when he left for work, my guy knew he’d been meaning
To drop of his enormous load of dirty damn dry cleaning
‘Twas seven in the morning and of course he had supposed
That the cleaners would be open, but bitch, they were fuckin’ closed
Hong’s Cleaners is his favorite, whether April, June, or March
He goes there all year long because he LOVES THE WAY THEY STARCH
He passed by 5 other stores because their starch is “reprehensible”
So he brought that shit to work, he’s a doctor AND SO SENSIBLE
So the patients that were crying that their cancer really hurts
Were prob’ly thrilled to see their doctor AND HIS FUCKIN’ DIRTY SHIRTS
I should mention we’ve no laundry bag, so don’t misunderstand, NO
He had his shirts all free and loose: DRY CLEANING COMMANDO
But of course he came up with a plan, never once forgetting
That he wasn’t going home that night, but flying to a wedding
He’d hop right in a cab, we had a flight and we would catch it
He’d meet me with his dry cleaning and like a WIFE I’d fetch it
I drop it with my doorman who’s all, “Someone come and getting it??”
I yell back, “YEP,” jump in the cab, already regretting it
I say, “Let’s call the cleaners, not leave shirts there in obscurity”
And he’s like, “NO! WE HAVE TO WAIT ‘TIL WE GET THROUGH SECURITY”
I sigh, “OK” and didn’t say, “THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE”
Cuz all these years have taught me YOU CAN’T REASON WITH THE MENSE
Now the best thing you can do is get a menstrual one some grub
Like the baller that I am I got us in the DELTA CLUB
At this point PMS was really getting kinda scary
So I go straight to the bar and get my man a bloody mary
When your man has PMS and he starts to get real colicky
Get him something spicy, pickled, and REAL alcoholicky
I snuck away to call the cleaners and I left my guy alone
(With 3 packets of Nutella and some HUMMUS IN A CONE)
So I go look up the number thinking Google’d be of help
But I couldn’t find Hong’s Cleaners there, NOT EVEN ON YELP
Nervously I searched and searched and then to my surpriser
HONG TEAM CLEANERS! THANK YOU SO MUCH, TRIP ADVISOR!
The guy answers the phone and I can’t understand a word
English isn’t his first language IT’S HIS MOTHA FUCKIN’ THIRD
I say my last name and address maybe six or seven times
I’d repeat what he yelled back but THERE AIN’T NO WAY THAT IT RHYMES
We go back and forth for minutes and now both of us are yelling
Who’d be picking up our clothes? There really was no way of telling
The chances it’d be Hong you’d think are looking rather slim, huh?
But otherwise he would have brought his LAUNDRY TO A SIMCHA
I look back at my guy who was three bloody marys deep
We stepped aboard the plane and went to MOTHAFUCKIN’ SLEEP
We had a lovely weekend, danced and drank the wine of Bacchus
We celebrated Ben and Aryn, OMG you guys, SUCH NACHES
We got back home that Sunday, took the bus from LGA
And we walked home from the bus stop and passed Hong along the way
They are always closed on Sundays, but my eye did catch their awning
And my jaw dropped to the ground (but I pretended I was yawning)
Their phone number was on it, though the digits were quite small
I knew that wasn’t who I called–UM LIKE NOT EVEN AT ALL
The shirts weren’t at my building, so who had them was a mystery
But I would crack this case, THANK YOU IPHONE CALLER HISTORY
I snuck on my computer and I got the fuckin’ hookup
Hong “TEAM” Cleaners, THANK YOU REVERSE FUCKIN’ LOOKUP
Now as far as my guy knew, there were no problems all along
And I’ll never ever tell him that I got the WRONG HONG
Within two fucking blocks how many Hongs could there be?
Well bitch, I learned the hard way that the answer here is THREE
I tracked the cleaning down and the next day went and got it
I took the plastic off and swiftly placed it in the closet
And he never had to know about this tiny little hiccup
And I went back to his Hong and signed his ass up for FREE PICK-UP
He got dressed today and said, “This starch is weird”, OH?? IS IT?!
I just told him to back off because AUNT FLO IS HERE TO VISIT.
word.
Purim, Bitch.
If you see some Jews in costumes don’t scream, “Dear, they’re gonna rob us!”
It’s a Jewish holiday, and bitch, I don’t mean that it’s Shabbos
You may not know don’t know the story, ‘specially if you vote Santorum
So that’s why I am here today to tell y’all ’bout PURIM
The story all began with the ancient Persian King
Celebrating with his bros and simply doin’ his king thing
When he called upon his wife, the hottie Queen named Vashti
To parade around in front of them–ABSOLUTELY NASHTY
Ladies, am I right? She’s a queen and not a hoe
But shit got crazy awkward after my girl Vash said NO
So the king asked his advisors what they thought that he should do
(Achashverosh needs some help with a decision or two)
If they were Jew advisors then they would have fined and billed her
But Jewish guys they weren’t, and bitch, they MOTHA FUCKIN’ KILLED HER
So they’re all, “So that happened…moving on…end scene”
But Achashverosh be like, “Dudes, I GOTSTA FIND ANOTHER QUEEN”
There were just so many ladies, so like how they gonna pluck her?
So they did it in a contest, LIKE THE BACHELOR MOTHA FUCKER
So now lil’ Jewish Esther’s out there with her uncle Mo
Who thinks she could be Queen and he encouraged her to go
He told her not to say she’s Jewish, and the secret never leaked
(Thank G-d she was an orphan CUZ HER MOTHER WOULDA FREAKED)
And of all the many ladies from which Achashverosh chose
Little Jewish Esther got the FUCKING FINAL ROSE
Now he doesn’t know she’s Jewish here at this point now, however
This rose ceremony was the MOST DRAMATIC EVER
Mordechai, meanwhile, stayed real close nearby the palace
And warned Esther of an evil plot and saved the king from malice
His helpful advice really saved that king’s life
And the king is like, “Remind me to say thank you to him, WIFE”
Then the king made a bad move when he decided he’d be namin’
To the job of chief advisor this motherfucker HAMAN
This dude despised the Jews, he’d kill you if you had a bagel
(And gets approved more easily than former SENATOR CHUCK HAGEL)
Haman comes across our friend, or dear little Mordechai
And demanded he bow down, like he was pledging Sigma Chi
Mordechai’s like, “…no” and when Haman heard this news
He’s all, “Bitch I’m gonna kill you and kill ALL Y’ALL JEWS”
Haman told the king his plan and all his nasty visions
And the king is like, “Sounds good! Because I cannot make decisions!”
Haman builds Mo’s gallows where he plans to hang and yank him
King’s like, “That dude who saved me! I totes forgot to thank him!”
So the king asks his dude Haman, “Tell me, what’s a good reward?”
Haman’s like, “The nicest horse and robe that your ass can afford”
Haman thought it’d be for him, thinking he would do the riding
But as I said before, the king just NEEDED HELP DECIDING
At the banquet that night, Esther gave her big reveal
She told the king she was a Jew, sensibly, over a meal
He heard of Haman’s plan and so he sent him to be hanged
He gave Mordechai his prize, and he and Esther prolly banged
And now we read their story in our dear old Megillah
And we scream at Haman’s (AHHHHHHHH) name cuz he a CRAZY EYE KILLA
And we all dress up in costumes and sing some Purim tunes
And we Jews turned Haman’s (AHHHHHHHHH) hat into a COOKIE FILLED WITH PRUNES
And then you’re supposed to drink until you lose all of your clarity
And nosh that fuckin’ ‘taschen (prune ones help irregularity)
So put down that Sunday Times, you’ve had enough of the sequester
And molesters, and investors, and go hang out with Queen Esther
Y’all can dress as a queen–no matter if you’re straight or gay men
I go to my own drum and dress as Vashti or as Ham-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
And there you have it, PURIM! From your favorite rappin’ blogger
So now go and shake that thang (AND BY “THAT THANG” I MEAN YOUR GROGGER)
word.
Holiday Recap, Bitch.
‘Twas the holiday season, so I took a little breather
For New Years and for Christmas, (even though I’m no believer)
So everybody clap your hands and maybe shake a titty
And I’ll tell you ’bout my holidays RIGHT HERE IN NEW YORK CITY
The greatest city in the world, at the best of the year
Christmas day’s my favorite when I spend it UP IN HERE
I made some coffee in my Chemex which I bought at Sur La Table
And hopped aboard the train to see LES FUCKIN’ MISERABLES
The only tickets I could get required us to travel down
DON’T UNDERESTIMATE HOW MANY JEWS LIVE HERE UPTOWN
Now, this is real embarrassing, I am quite ashamed to tout
I had never seen the show, I never knew what it’s about
I know, I know, I’m sorry, on Yom Kippur I’ll repent
But for now, I saw the movie, SO I’LL TELL YOU HOW IT WENT
Jean Valjean stole what must’ve been some really damn good bread
Fantine becomes a whore because of her enormous head
She sings and cries real hard and it’s emotionally draining
And she let the cameraman fulfill his endoscopic training
I thought I heard a sheep with Parkinson’s, but that was just Cosette
And I felt bad for Eponine, so single, and so wet
The rebels fought on mounds of furniture, just asking for an injury
While Marius was hiding that he’s really rich and gingery
Javert falls real far to the water down below
And I kinda didn’t mind, I couldn’t listen to him CROWe
They all die and wave a flag and sing a big ol’ song
You should go, but bring a catheter, it’s eighteen hours long
And so we left the movie and the streets were calm and placid
And we made our way to Chinatown and each popped an antacid
As Jewish folk, we’re prone to acid reflux damn disease
And we’re also prone on Christmas day to eat some DAMN CHINESE
I thought we’d go downtown and celebrate Chinese ethnicity
So we went to Spicy Village, bitch, I’m all ’bout authenticity
We got the big hot pot of chicken from a waitress who was toneless
But it freaked my Jew boy out cuz HE PREFERS HIS CHICKEN BONELESS
Which brings me to the new year, bitch, you just would not believe
What it’s like to be in NYC on NEW YEARS FUCKIN’ EVE
You’ll pay a ton at shitty restaurants, fixed menus and bad food
Bitch, I wouldn’t pay that much for Daniel fuckin’ BOULUD
You could pay a ton for parties and before the bubbly’s popped
You’re surrounded by obnoxious kids whose own balls haven’t dropped
And you kiss someone at midnight cuz you think that sounds like fun
And you start the new year off with herpes simplex TYPE ONE
We totally were gonna go to a crazy rager
But my husband is a doctor, it’d be hard to hear his pager
So we stayed in our apartment, locked the deadbolt on the door
And we had our favorite new years, which I really do adore
We order tons of shitty tacos, the worst we can obtain
And pair them with a bottle of fantastic-ass champagne
And we eat and drink and get into a gassy drunken stupor
And watch some Kathy Griffin and a giggly Andy Cooper
I find the best of holidays are drama-free and braless
And spent with the one I the love most–these holidays were flawless
So there you have my full recap, from Christmas to the ball
And a very happy new year from Jap Rapper to y’all.
word.
Party Foul, Bitch.
Ho Ho Ho, bitch! ‘Tis the fuckin’ season
To throw a fuckin’ party for just any rhyme or reason
Time to take a vacay (or pretend and wear some bronzer)
And light all of the lights for Jesus, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaar
But before you head out and party with your friends or firms
I feel I need to teach you to spread CHEER and not your GERMS
I’ve rapped to you before ’bout how to keep from getting sick
But there’s one germy threat happ’nin’ at parties IN PARTIC
Now I’m not a fan of parties, though I know most of you are
I’d rather eat Chinese and watch The View on DVR
But I always end up going cuz I’m not a fuckin’ flake
I go to spread the joy, but bitch, I mostly go for CAKE
Actually I prob’ly should be slightly more specific
I could do without the cake itself, but FROSTING IS TERRIFIC
Open bars are nice, but bitch, ain’t nothing more enticing
Than a fuckin’ slice of cake with a WHOLE SHIT-TON OF ICING
And my husband won’t eat frosting! NOPE! The cake part’s all he eats
That’s why we got married, bitch, ECONOMY OF TREATS
He know’s all he’s got do if he wants to get some nookie
Is to let me make a bitch out of a BLACK & WHITE COOKIE (only the white side, duh)
And so I’m here to tell you all something that really makes me scowl
My number one all time biggest fuckin’ party foul
It’s an issue that dates back to when I was a lil’ child
When the coolest girl in school had this birthday that was wild
At that roller skating rink with the disco lights for Thriller
The coolest kids in school were there, the GOODIE BAGS WERE KILLER
And then her mom brought out the cake–it was white with chocolate drizzle
There was tons of fuckin’ frosting, bitch, this cake was off the HIZZLE
And her mom cut her the first piece, which of course I thought was fine
Do I really need to tell you who was fucking next in line?
And then the most horrific thing I had seen in my young life
Her mothafuckin’ mom LICKED the MOTHAFUCKIN’ KNIFE!
She put the knife back in the cake and my eyes were wide with horror
She cut me off a piece and my jaw dropped on the FLOORER
I watched her do it ever time, licking all that fucking frosting
And I simply couldn’t eat the cake, THAT SHIT WAS DISGOSTING
Which brings us to last week when I was faced with this aGAIN
Now I’m all adult and shit, toasting my champagne
When all of the sudden I got real enthusiastic
When they brought out a cake that looked FUCKING FANTASTIC
This cake looked so amazing, it looked like an utter dream
With tons of salted caramel fuckin’ buttercream
The bartender began to cut amidst my great emotion
And all of the sudden things just went into slow motion
He wiped the knife off on his hand and of course my gaze did linger
As he slowly sucked the frosting off of EVERY FUCKING FINGER
It was like a fucking crime, I shoulda called the dang police
As he went and stuck those hands in every motherfuckin’ piece
Pensively I took my slice, and perhaps it was the booze
But I knew cake was something that was just too good to lose
And that shit was so damn good, you guys, I swear I’d give fellatio
To the baker who decided on that frosting to cake ratio
And I’m glad I stretched my bounds a bit, this Hanukkah I grew
But this entire fuckin’ week I’ve had the mothafuckin’ flu
So simply to avoid this very tragic party foul
I urge you to use protection, wipe your knife off on a towel
And that girl whose mom was gross, well, she turned out kinda groovy
You can all see her this Christmas starring in that Les Miz movie
(Totally kidding, it wasn’t Anne Hathaway. But it would be crazy if it was, right?)
word.
Jap Rap 