Tag Archives: Comedy

Potty Politics

Yo I’ve got a bone that I’ve gotsta pick with you

Sometimes I complain, you see, because I am a Jew

And when something annoys me, or stresses me out it

Occurs to me to write a fuckin’ Jewey rap about it

So I came to you today with a well-defined mission

To make things better in the bathroom when we’re agoing public pishin’

Now this shit is for serious, a really major gripe

When people tinkle on the seat and they don’t even care to WIPE

And that’s what I’ll discuss today, with you I’ll share my views

But what irks me even more is what I’m seein’ on the news

BUT I decided long ago I wouldn’t make this blog political

So I won’t rap about that, cuz this bitch ain’t hypocritical

So hereby I’ll return to the aforementioned matter

About all these people peein’ and not cleanin’ EXCESS SPLATTER

When you choose your public bathroom stall, before you’ve peed or shitted

Once you turn that little lock you’re fuckin’ FULL TOILET COMMITTED

Whatever splatter’s on the seat, no matter just how insurmountable

Is left for you to clean up or you will be held accountable

So let’s say you have this guy, cleanin’ up for those before him

Cuz any droplets left behind, he’s now RESPONSIBLE FOR ‘EM

So he’s gotta make a mitt with the whole damn roll of paper

And clean up for the toilet seat’s LEGITIMATE RAPER

And though the problem may be worse than he could ever ascertain

He grits his teeth, gets to work, and never thinks to complain

And he chose that stall even though he really had a hunch

That the guy who went before him had CHIPOTLE FOR LUNCH

Any thought of backing down? This dude would certainly nix it

There is a problem in this stall and he DEVOTES HIS LIFE TO FIX IT

And still you have these folks outside always so quickly criticizing

Before he even took that stall they were politicizing

And what really blows my mind is that they even have the gall

To overlook the things he’s gotten done while locked inside that stall

In his efforts to clean up he’s saved American cars

And given healthcare to the people who have PREEXISTING SARS

And let’s say he may not always be the very best DEBATA

But he fuckin’ decimated mothafuckin’ AL-QAEDA

He let soldiers serve us proudly, whether they be straight or gay

And doesn’t plan to make amendments that would TAKE FOLKS’ RIGHTS AWAY

Still the others really think that they can clean up all that wiz

They’ve got a five-point plan to do it, but WON’T TELL YOU WHAT IT IS

But they’ll sneer and point their fingers and just never will confess

That they’re proposing the same shit that got us INTO THIS MESS

They have this puppet speaking for them and he’s sounding like a clown

Saying there will be less mess if we go back and TRICKLE DOWN?

And still they want us to believe that they could better represent

All of our bathrooms (‘CEPT FORTY-SEVEN PERCENT)

And they’re flopping back and forth on every mothafuckin’ issue

While they guy in there is down to his last square of toilet tissue

Therefore in the world of bathrooms we now have this great divide

Of those who work to clean things up and those who blame and hide

I know neither side is perfect, but at least one guy is trying

Instead of simply pandering and frankly FLAT-OUT LYING

Now just to clarify that you’re in no need of correction

I’m talkin’ about BATHROOMS here, not of no damn election

We all need our public toilets so we have to do our parts

They’re there for our emergencies and ghost poops (those are farts)

And now’s the time to exercise that very basic right

And support the ones who you best think will help us to win this fight

Any effort set to block your voice I simply do abhor

Just as much as I hate a LACKLUSTER METAPHOR

So go pull up your pants and wipe your lil’ booty

And make sure your voice is heard because now that’s what I call DUTY

That’s what this land is all about, the core of our foundation

So wipe the fuckin’ seat and let’s clean up our uriNATION

word.

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Harvest, Bitch.

There’s a chill in the air and it’s feelin’ pretty nice

And when you go into a Starbucks yous be gettin’ pumpkin spice

So break out that padded vest, put away them seersuckers

It’s my favorite time of year, IT’S THE HARVEST MOTHAFUCKAS

Time to go jump in the leaves and time to follow me on twitter

Time to pick some apples and then eat a frickin’ fritter

And boys, it’s time you find a bitch to take under your covers

Cuz I’m telling you, you heard it here, THE HARVEST IS FOR LOVERS

And to get yourself a lady you need tips, well boys, I got ’em

If you follow my instructions you will get some tail this autumn

The secret to make sure that you will get some harvest lovin’

It be right under your nose, right in your MOTHAFUCKIN’ OVEN

You don’t need no sexy music, you don’t need no water bed

All you need to know is how to make a PUMPKIN BREAD

Now if baking freaks you out and you normally eschew it

Don’t worry, mothafucka, I’MMA TEACH YOU HOW TO DO IT

First you take a cup a sugar, cream it with a stick of butter

Give your bitch a little wink and then her heart will go aflutter

Add a teaspoon of vanilla and two eggs and stir it well

(Maybe crack the eggs beforehand YOU DON’T WANT NO BITS OF SHELL)

In a different bowl add flour, like a whole cup and a half

(And verify your bitch is clean of STDs or STAPH)

Add a half teaspoon of salt and one teaspoon baking soda

And to get her in the mood just turn on Kathy Lee and Hoda

Mix all that shit together and then soon she’ll know what’s up

When to that you add some pumpkin ONE ENTIRE FUCKIN’ CUP

Now for my big secret that’ll really make her scream

To that you add a half a cup of fuckin’ SOUR CREAM

SOUR CREAM? You may ask? BITCH YOU CRAZY, MAKE NO SENSE!

But you betta believe–it makes that loaf so MOIST AND DENSE

Sour cream and pumpkin is a combo that’s climactic

It’s creamy and it’s tangy from the acid that’s all LACTIC

Now she’ll really want you but you gots to tell her “IN A MIN”

Cuz you gots to add a teaspoon of some fuckin’ cinnamon

And you make you lady wait, even though by now she’s beggin’

You need a half a teaspoon–you be gettin NUTEGGIN

And one last thing to make sure you be gettin in her hips

Stir in some fuckin’ semi-sweet CHOCOLATE FUCKIN CHIPS

Pour it in a loaf pan that you’ve parchmented or greased

Bake at 350 for an hour, brotha, YOURE A FUCKIN’ BEAST

Then go and get your freak on and a pumpkiny aroma

Will wake you up like Folgers from your fall post-coital coma

And I promise you there’s no way that that chick was even faking

Though I cannot guarantee she didn’t use you for your your baking

And if you think baking’s girly work, best for a maid or elf

I’ve got a BINDER FULL OF WOMEN telling you to fuck yourself

So go and get your bake on, don’t you think of hesitating

(This works especially well if she is fat or menstruating)

And when all is said and done you can go cuddle up beside her

And instead of cigarettes cool off with pumpkin bread and cider

word.

(recipe adapted from http://www.food.com/recipe/sour-cream-pumpkin-bread-157475)

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High School, Bitch.

I know you’ll be real shocked, based on just how cool I am

That in high school being popular, wasn’t quite my jam

I never smoked cigarettes, I was scared of emphysema

I didn’t drink till college when I passed out from one ZIMA

I wore Doc Martens and huge glasses cuz I couldn’t see real far

The Stephen Schwartz pic in my locker didn’t make me populer–lar

If two popular kids were talkin’ bout a wild party

I’d ask, “Lippa or LaChiusa?” and they’d think I was retardy

I didn’t re’lize to be cool it would really help to flaunt your

Assets other than your Jewish hair and your orthodonture

So I knew my only chance to be even slightly cool

Would come my sophomore of high school on our CHOIR TRIP FOOL

The only glimmer of hope throughout my dark awkward phase

Was in our choir trip to Disney WHAT UP MAGIC MUSIC DAYS

I wasn’t good at being slutty, I could never go commando

But I knew that I could make some friends when we were in Orlando

There I’d finally be free from the cruel high school brutality

And score some friends at Disney with my WINNING PERSONALITY

We’d be free to be ourselves, I thought, without drugs or booze

And I’d make friends in choir with my fellow ALTO TWOS

On our first day in Orlando, we thought we would embark

On a choir, band, and orchestra trip to a water park

A water park in Disney? My public school just wouldn’t hear it

So our rickety old bus drove to a water park NEAR IT

There were only two slides, because this place was fuckin’ janky

The water was cold and a LITTLE BIT STANKY

I thought this could be my chance to show them I was fun and clever

And we’d be BFFFFs (BEST FUCKIN’ FRIENDS FOR FUCKIN’ EVER)

So all the other kids rushed to the family raft ride

No one dared go near The Bomb, a frightening vertical slide

Then I thought to myself, I was done with high school slavery

Maybe I could win some friends with some chutzpah (Jewish bravery)

This was so outside my comfort zone, that water was contagious

But I decided it was time for me to do something courageous

So I boldly broke away and walked straight toward The Bomb

They all saw me and saluted like I was on my way to Nam

The entire group was watching me, standing at attention

As I grasped the rusty railing and I started my ascension

My heart was pounding quickly at the top of the ladder

I could feel it in my chest, and a little in my bladder

Every eye was on me, just to see me do my duty

They started chanting my name! Like I was mother fuckin’ RUDY

I lay down and crossed my arms and I laid back my head

And I said the HaMotzi, BITCH, THE JEWISH PRAYER FOR BREAD

And then I was on my way, it was rather histrionic

My life flashed before my eyes and I received my first colonic

And I finally got down to the pool at the bottom

I envisioned my new friends and the crazy way I got ’em

I proudly stood up, overcome with such emotion

And the rest of the world started moving in slow motion

It was like a lucid dream, or whatever that thing’s called

Where there’s 80’s music and I’m  MOLLY FUCKIN’ RINGWALD

I threw my arms up in the air, I was filled with such elation

I turned to the crowd to receive my celebration

High school would be better now, with friends, and boys and kissing

But I stood there in the water and knew there was something missing

A heavy silence filled the air, you could have heard a pin drop

Soon I realized what was missing, bitch, MY MOTHAFUCKIN TOP

It was floating in the wading pool, right there in the middle

I sank down under water and I maybe peed a little

No thread of popularity ever did transpire

And now all of my bikinis, I make sure, have underwire

They missed out on a great kid, so they’re all a buncha suckers

And they sure missed out cuz now my tits are huge, mothafuckas

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1 Comment

Bingo, Bitch.

Yo my father always thought it was kinda pathetic

That he raised two healthy kids and neither one was real althetic

My dad played soccer and baseball and he really kicked some ass

But my allergies act up when I get close to FRESH CUT GRASS

I thought the basketball team in junior high would be my mission

But I was only 4 feet tall and called the tryout my AUDITION

I was bound and determined, even if it took forever

To make my daddy proud and find a sporting endeavor

And in college I had finally found the end to my search

Yes, I found all of the answers down at the LOCAL CHURCH

You’re like, “A church? But you are Jewish! Bitch, this must be some mistake”

See, my friend’s boyfriend volunteered there, so they gave us all free cake

Then they rolled out all these tables and the gaming had begun

I had finally found my sport IT WAS BINGO TIME, SON

Before I knew what hit me, I was well into the game

Everyone was 90 but this shiznit was INSANE

It all happened very quickly, when they called 065

“HOLY FUCK BINGOOO” I’d never felt so damn ALIVE

They came and verified my card and I was feelin’ fuckin’ baller

I won the bingo game–what what–THIRTY DOLLAR

I took my money and I left and I shouted, “GEE THANKS!”

To bad-ass ladies outside smoking with their OXYGEN TANKS

So while other kids did keg stands and some Jägerbombs and shot-skis

I spent my college Fridays with my bingo cards and tschotskes

See the old pros all brought rabbit feet and crosses for good luck

I brought a pic of Steven Sondheim and some SKITTLES, MOTHA FUCK

I went to church every Friday like a good Jew girl on Shabbos

Otherwise I’d sit at home and listen to LES MISERABLES

So I’d gamble and eat cake that was free for my consumption

And I’d make my daddy proud, THANK YOU CHURCH OF THE ASSUMPTION

When I moved into the city, though, things weren’t quite the same

Where could a little Jew girl find a friendly Christian game?

So I gave up on my quest and I finally said shalom

And volunteered to call some games down at the Jewish nursing home

They couldn’t hear a thing, but they were really so enthralled

Everybody shouting BINGO at each number that I called

I was charming and so funny and they pooped their pants with laughter

When I would call B4 everyone would yell, “AND AFTER!”

So of course for every ball, I’d come up with some witty line

“The doctor has good news if your tumor is…” (everybody) “B9!”

Sometimes it was too much, and they got a little hyper

Each time that someone won, they would need a brand new diaper

So the other night I tried my luck with some younger cats

When I went to bingo night downtown at Tortilla Flats

I was back in the game! Instead of cake, we had fajitas

And instead of pics of Sondheim I had TONS OF MARGARITAS

I had a lot of fun, but things still were not the same

Cuz all of these young bitches don’t know how to PLAY THE GAME

This girl thought she had bingo so she called it loudly BUT

It was a false alarm, CUZ THAT GIRL’S A STUPID SLUT

This other girl called bingo WHEN SHE STILL NEEDED TWO MORE!

NO YOU DON’T HAVE BINGO, BITCH, YOU STUPID STUPID WHORE

The people I was with were great, but still none of us won

But I have to tell ya, bitch, it was a lot of fuckin’ fun

So although it ain’t the sport my dad had hoped upon his kin

Margaritas with old friends, in my book, always is a win

So go and play some bingo kids, I hope you fill a line

And be sure to think of me next time you get O69

word.

1 Comment

Soda, Bitch.

Yo I’ve thought a lot about it y’all and I am not a fan

Of lil’ Mayor Bloomberg’s motha fuckin’ SODA BAN

I was all about the trans fat rules but now he goes and pounces

On my right to drink a big-ass drink OVER 16 OUNCES

You don’t realize, Mr. Mayor, but you’re really overthrowin’

This Jewey girl’s experience of movie theatre goin’

You’d know that this proposal is not even worth debating

If you knew the role big soda plays in my movie rating

See, the first thing that I do when I see a movie, sister

Is I go and buy a huge-ass drink–A FUCKIN’ DOUBLE-FISTER

I start sippin’ when the movie starts and by the end I know

Whether or not to say this film’s a MUST GO

See, the quality of film is indirectly correlated

To the number of times that I got up and urinated

And I thusly have developed my own movie rating system

You want a few examples? YEAH, YOU GOT IT, BITCH!  I’LL LIST EM:

I never left to pee even though I sat there grunting

When I watched a young Matt Damon mop the floors in Good Will Hunting

Sometimes films are long, but I have my ways to deal

I spent The King’s Speech sitting on my fuckin’ heel

The Departed was amazing so I needed some finagling

I sat glued to my seat simply practicing my kageling

At the remake of King Kong I both peed and took a poo

I peed twice and called my grandma during Transformers PART TWO

I didn’t leave at Up or at Toy Story 3

I simply sat there weeping and just cryin’ out my pee

I made it through the whole damn thing when I saw Inception

But I think I might have dreamt I had a BLADDER INFECTION

So basically, Bloomie, all this nonsense has to stop

This is the USA where we’re free to drink our pop

Put your focus somewhere else, Mike, perhaps on something fiscal

While my Diet Coke and bladder help make me the next Gene Siskel

Wait, hold up, this just in, HOLD THE PHONE, BITCH BE QUIET

This ban is just for REGULAR??? I’m a Jew girl, I DRINK DIET

Y’all are drinking regular? OMG THAT’S GROSS AND LAME

Instead you should be healthy: SUPERSIZE YOUR ASPARTAME

Bloomberg wants to help, he isn’t trying to defeat us

Or we’ll all be Wilford Brimleys dealing with our diabeetus

I gots to go see Magic Mike, I bet I’ll pee before it ends

I’ll skip the Diet Coke and stick to Twizzlers and Depends

word.

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Pizza, Bitch.

Yo I moved to New York from the good ol’ Midwest

Why did I move? Cuz it’s the MOTHA FUCKIN’ BEST

Sure Ohio’s less expensive, more charming, and much greener

New York has more pollution and is Jewier and meaner

I’ll always love Ohio, Cleveland’s really fuckin’ great

But I gotsta say my mind is in an EMPIRE STATE

Bitch, I loves what Jay-Z and Alicia be dishin’

Even with their quite improper USE OF A PREPOSITION

I defend it to my family like, “People here aren’t rude!”

And plus, if nothing else, I love New York for the food

Cuz frankly I don’t need you to be all cute and nice

When I go into a pizza joint to feed my face a slice

But just the other night I had a pizza run go bad

I won’t mention where I was cuz STANTON PIZZA WOULD BE MAD

127 Stanton is the more precise address

We stopped in because my husband has male-onset PMS

So once a month I feed him all the food I have on hand

And I give him the remote to watch THE NOTEBOOK ON DEMAND

I know him so well that by the way he was behaving

I would gladly give in to his late-night pizza craving

So we walk into the joint and I can’t believe my eyes

So many fuckin’ beautiful fuckin’ PIZZA PIES

The pepperoni look delicious, they’re all juicy and big

But I’m all good and Jewey so I DO NOT EAT THE PIG

At the the time it seemed too girly to just get a slice of veggie

I was tired and sweaty with a HUGE SPANX WEDGIE

My husband decides that he thinks he’s gonna getta

Slice of the fresh lookin’ one THAT IS THEIR BRUSCHETTA

So the dude cuts a slice for my very handsome fella

And I think I’m leaning toward the one with fresh mozzarella

But he cuts my guys bruschetta and that shit looks good as hell

So I’m like, “Actually, I’m gonna please have one of those as well”

And the dude shoots me this sneer that’s sayin’, “Really? are you shitting me?”

And I laugh cuz he’s just playin’, right? He’s gotta be kidding me

So I’m all like, “Whoops, sorry!” still thinking that he’s toying

He barks, “CUTTING SEPARATE SLICES IS JUST REALLY DAMN ANNOYING”

He was yellin’ pretty sternly which was givin’ me the shakes

Which resulted in my pouring all of the RED PEPPER FLAKES

So we ate our pizza quietly and left right at the end

We headed down the street and then we bumped into a friend

We all were early for a party right there on Stanton Street

She’s like, “You guys know somewhere close where I can grab a bite to eat?”

I tell her ’bout the pizza place and say the guy was vicious

But the more I talk about it, man, THAT PIZZA WAS DELICIOUS

So the three of us walk in and the guy’s about to plotz

This time I’d play it safe and simply order GARLIC KNOTS

Garlic knots are friendly! I love eatin’ ’em and smellin’ ’em

And then he yells at me again, “I HATE MAKIN’ ‘EM AND SELLIN’ ‘EM”

I have no clue what’s going on, I am really at a loss

And he mockingly turns to me as asks, “You want some sauce?”

BITCH, OF COURSE I WANT SAUCE! So I mutter, “Yes please”

But I wasn’t gonna push and ask for PARMESAN CHEESE

The next customer comes in that this dude’s about to serve

He says, “I hate it when people ask for sauce, WHAT NERVE”

I just cannot pick up on these social cues he’s handin’

I feel awkward and Aspergery like fuckin’ TEMPLE GRANDIN

I wanted to tell someone–like the pizza paparazzi

SOMETHING MUST BE DONE ABOUT THE FUCKIN’ GARLIC NAZI

Bullying is bad, but I couldn’t let it fester

This was a pizza joint, bitch, not a school bus in Rochester

So I take a big deep breath and I try not to get mad

And those fuckin’ garlic knots were like, the best I’d ever had

I loved the pizza and the knots, every bite, I couldn’t help it

I wanted to go home and fucking FIVE STAR YELP IT

So I wrote a good review, I know, I couldn’t be much dorkier

Getting yelled at with great pizza, bitch, it don’t get much New Yorkier

And I left him a good tip and now attention has been paid

All in this concrete jungle, OF WHICH DREAMS ARE MADE

word.
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In Charge, Bitch.

When I was a kid, I was prolly six or seven

My mama said three words to me that sounded just like heaven

At only three feet tall I was feelin’ rather large

When my ma turned to my bro and me and told me, “You’re in charge”

She was going to our neighbor’s house for only ’bout an hour

But bitch, I was in charge, and I felt a sense of power

‘Twas the very first time she had left us home alone

She left a list of numbers on the fridge right by the phone

I shouldn’t need to use them, that was really the main goal

But if I Windexed my bro again I’d call POISON CONTROL

So she kissed us both goodbye and then I grabbed the damn remote

“I’m in charge,” I told my brother, “that means you don’t get a vote”

“We are gonna watch some Snick, so don’t even try to switch”

When you’re in charge, motha fuckas, then your BROTHER IS YOUR BITCH

“Head into the kitchen and go get your sis a snack,

And then we’ll watch the FUCKIN’ SECRET WORLD OF ALEX MACK”

So we’re sittin’ watchin’ Snick with some salsa and some chips

When unbeknownst to me my little finger kinda slips

And before I could do anything to stop the commotion

The chip tumbles to the floor in fuckin’ SALSA SLOW MOTION

I shoulda used some napkins or some towels just to tarp it

But instead I dropped the salsa on my parents’ NEW WHITE CAPET

I wanted to scream but I couldn’t be so manic

I was in charge, motha fucka, so I COULDN’T INDUCE PANIC

“WE HAVE TO STAY CALM” I assured to my little brother

So I grabbed to contact list and I CALLED MY GRANDMOTHER

“You know how to get a stain out?” and she told me, “You bet!

Your mom will clean it up, but until then, just keep it wet”

So I hung up the phone and I had no other choice

But to keep this damn stain wet, THANKS A MILLION GRANDMA JOYCE

I thought to call my mom, but then I though, well fuck it

I would show her I’m responsible, so I went and got a bucket

I filled it up with water in the little bathroom sink

But I knew I could do better, THINK, ALY, THINK!

I’m not sure why but next I screamed, “LET’S TAKE OFF ALL OUR CLOTHES”

And I ran out in the back and lugged inside the GARDEN HOSE

“KEEP HOSING DOWN THE STAIN” I yelled “AND DON’T YOU EVER STOP”

And I ran to and from the bathroom pouring buckets on top

We were goin for an hour, my brother’s finger got a blister

“KEEP THAT HOSE GOIN, BITCH, LISTEN TO YOUR SISTER”

My mom came home an hour later to her precious son and daughter

Screaming fully naked in a foot of standing water

She turned her glance to me and asked me why I didn’t call her

For a salsa stain the size of fuckin’ silver dollar

As the days passed and the floor began to dry

The floor swelled into a mountain that, like me, was three feet high

And therefore, thanks to me, my parents got a den replacement

And cuz the water went below they also got a BRAND NEW BASEMENT

And I see my mom’s new carpeting, and when I look upon it

I get a sense of pride because there AIN’T NO SALSA ON IT

So many years have passed and I have moved on with my life

I watch Alex Mack on Mad Men, bitch, she plays KEN COSGROVE’S WIFE

I’m in charge all the time, and get undressed when home alone

And I drop shit all the time, bitch, I’m still ACCIDENT PRONE

But when I drop some salsa now, no one groans or growls

I’ve got hardwood floors, bitch, and a ton of paper towels

word.

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My Sweetie, Bitch.

Yo just last week was our anniversary

And marriage, let me say, is everything I’d hoped it’d be

We’re partners and lovers, a team and best friends

We watch The Bachelorette and fall asleep before it ENDS

These past four years have truly been nothing short of heaven

He does wake up before me cuz he has to work at seven

And every day I wake up knowing just what I’ll encounter

When I walk into the kitchen and I look upon the counter

Although he leaves so quietly and doesn’t make a racket

HE NEVER FUCKIN’ THROWS AWAY HIS MOTHER FUCKIN’ SPLENDA PACKET

Ya see, we love our coffee maker, like I can’t even express-o

A morning ain’t a morning til this bitch has her Nespresso

He always makes his cappuccino from the comfort of our home

He knows just how to sweeten it and not disturb his FOAM

Two thirds of a Splenda, and he stirs in gingerly

I’M DOWN WITH OCD, YEAH YOU KNOW ME

He drinks his morning java and he cleans up the machine

He puts on that little stethoscope and flees the fuckin’ scene

So then I wake up about an hour or so later

And see some yellow on the counter next to the ‘frigerator

Believe it or not, he’s a doctor, not a trucker

BUT HE NEVER THROWS AWAY THAT SPLENDA PACKET MOTHA FUCKER

The trash can’s right below, it don’t require you to think

(We Jews all keep our garbage cans underneath the sink)

Now my husband is real brilliant, this fact I must admit

He not only is a doctor, but does RESEARCH AND SHIT

If you have a question, you can bet he’ll have an answer

I bet him a B.J. that he’ll probably cure cancer

There is nary a disease that he cannot diagnose

BUT HE CANNOT THROW AWAY THAT MOTHA FUCKIN’ SUCRALOSE

This problem used to take place only in our house

Cuz who would clean your Splenda up other than your spouse?

But the other day we stopped to get an iced coffee or two

At this little shop by us that does a mean COLD BREW

I knew he wouldn’t do it there, so I just took sip

But I turned around and saw that he had left out JUST THE TIP

Just the TIP of the Splenda, yeah–word to your mom

Just the TIP? It’s a coffee shop–not the fuckin’ PROM

It’s like my smart sexy man has this crazy presumption

That the world needs to keep tabs on his Splenda consumption

He can’t believe he does this cuz he’s usually so neat

And he always says he’s sorry cuz he’s NAT-U-RALLY SWEET

And he goes to hold my hand, and I feel his wedding ring

In these past four years of marriage, bitch, I wouldn’t change a thing

He says he’ll try to change next time, but really I don’t care

Cuz that little yellow packet lets me know that he was there

We just went out for coffee at this little cafe

He said, “Don’t you even worry, I know what you’re gonna say”

“It’s our fifth year of marriage now, so Baby, let’s begin it”

And he walked right by the garbage and he threw his Splenda in it on itImageword.

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