Category Archives: Jew Rap

Bitch Eatin’ Fish on the Bus

By now you know that I really can’t deal

When I get on the train and a bitch pulls out a meal

You’re just askin’ for your food to get gross and germy

When you eat in on a train that’s all MUCOUSY AND SPERMY

Since I rapped about it last I thought this problem would reverse

But on the contrary, bitch, it just GOT MUCH WORSE

Perhaps I wasn’t clear, and you didn’t realize

That when you’re on the bus my same philosophy applies

So I’m sittin’ on the bus about to send my mom a text

And you never will believe what HAPPENED TO ME NEXT

This crazy-ass bitch, yo I can’t even explain ‘er

Stepped on to the bus with a styrofoam container

She sat right next to me and my eyes opened wide

Cuz I knew I  wasn’t gonna like WHATEVER WAS INSIDE

She reached into a sack that I thought contained some pencils

But much to my dismay, she pulled out PLASTIC-ASS UTENSILS

And then the situation went from orange to red alert

When she took out a napkin and she TUCKED IT IN HER SHIRT

She opened up the box and in my pants I made a pish

YES, right there on the bus this bitch was eatin’ a FISH

Like The Sandlot kid dreamt of the Great Bambino

I was livin a nightmare, with a BUS BRANZINO

The bus quickly filled with its stanky aroma

A lady in the back fell into a coma

A smell like that just worsens and lingers

And she’s all smackin’ her lips and like, lickin’ her fingers

A guy in the front held his face with a rag

While the rest of the bus just started to gag

Babies were cryin’, ladies makin’ a fuss

That’s the shit we’s gots to deal with on the CROSSTOWN BUS

This bitch just kept on eatin’, like she didn’t even think

That this bus smelled worse than one in the STINK

I couldn’t even breathe, there was nowhere to hide

Somehow I had to get to the UPPA WEST SIIIIEED

I needed to get out so I pressed the exit taping

I gots to get a way from this FISH NOSE RAPING

So I got off the bus, and I regained my power

And I walked across town, and it took me an hour

Now, I know that you may think that I should quit my bitchin’

This is New York City, we ain’t got no eat-in kitchen

But eating on the bus, folks, is simply abhorous

Especially something that’s so smelly and porous

The MTA is dirty, the seats will give you crabs

So leave the food at home. I should start to take more cabs.

word.

4 Comments

Gobble Gobble, Bitch

Yo yo gobble gobble and break out that stuffin’

Cuz it’s time for Thanksgiving and BITCH, I ain’t bluffin’

So bake them pumpkin pies and go deep fry your geese

(Do we really need to wonder why America’s obese?)

So go to the store, cuz you’ll need a pair of  Spanx

And think of all the reasons that you have for sayin THANKS

As I sit down this year to my Thanksgiving turkey

I am thankful for the homeless guy who says my tits are perky

I give thanks to firefighters, they’re so big and brave and burly

I am thankful for my husband, he’s so Jewey AND SO CURLY

I am thankful for my mother, she’s so perfectly insane

I am thankful for the laughter brought to me by HERMAN CAIN

And I’m thankful for the memory of Governor Rick Perry

I am thankful for New York and and that my friends can finally marry

I am thankful for cheap manicures within a minute’s walk

And that they don’t speak no English so that I don’t have to talk

I give thanks to Lactaid milk for not giving me the runs

I give thanks to Roma Torre and to WEATHER on the ONES

I give thanks to kick-ass actors who stick it out as waiters

I am thankful that my neighbor never holds the elevators

(because I’m a feminist?…asshole)

I am thankful for Real Housewives, I love those crazy hoes

I give thanks to spicy hummus THAT I BUY FROM TRADER JOE’S

I am thankful when the Mexicans sing on my subway ride

I am thankful for huge salads with the dressing ON THE SIDE

I give thanks to gynocologists for givin me my paps

 I give thanks to every one of you who reads my silly raps

So go enjoy your families, don’t bicker, fight, or mock

And if you are not thankful you can suck a Plymouth cock.

gobble.

1 Comment

Love, Bitch.

Yo, flowers and chocolates and really good food

Are just some of the things that put folks in the mood

Some look at porn whenever they’re able

Or watch Robin Byrd (cuz it’s on basic cable)

Some get turned on when they meet girls at bars

Or buy blow up dolls, like that real girl with Lars

Now I love my husband, he knows I adore him

Cuz I know exactly the thing that does it for him

And if you’re good, I’ll tell you my tip

Nothing turns a man on like a GOOD COSTCO TRIP

At only 5’7 he feels like the Hulk

When my man is able to buy his shit in bulk

Shampoo, paper towels, 3 flip cam recorders

My apartment looks like it’s a scene out of HOARDERS

We’ve got 35 yogurts with fruit on the bottom

100 super tampons? OH BITCH, you BET I got ’em

Got a liter of Gold Bond for when your balls itch

Don’t cut me for samples, cuz like, I will choke a bitch

My guy’s got a swagger unmatched by Don Draper

With 84 rolls of 3-ply toilet paper

(that’s like 252 1-ply rolls, BITCH)

So whenever my man is feelin’ real beddish

I gladly give in to his WILD Costco fetish

Please heed my advice, I find it applies

Especially well to like, ALL JEWISH GUYS

So forget the champagne and the horse-drawn carriage

And head up to Costco,

Hells yeah, bitch, that’s marriage.

word.

1 Comment

It’s the Marathon, Bitch.

Yo yo yo it’s the marathon, bitch, coming up First Ave

Have YOU ever run a marathon? You know it, bitch, I have

OMG I’m kidding, OH GUUURL, you must be crazy

I prefer my Sundays with a big-ass side of lazy

On Sundays I eat tons of brunch, retire to my bedding

And catch up with my DVR and Kim’s Fairytale Wedding

I thought I would go out to eat, and then I though, forget it

That’s why we have delivery, I don’t GOTSTA walk and get it

Now of course I’ll watch the runners, cheer them on as they are trotting

But let’s be real, I really go for some good celeb spotting

Last year the Today Show ran, Meredith and Al Roker

And Katie Holmes looked like she was ’bout to have a stroker

Apolo Anton Ohno will join this year’s running crew

Andy Baldwin from The Bachelor’s runnin’ 26.2

Richard Blais will run today with cute Ethan from Survivor

Christy Turlington will try, but they may have to revive her

AC Slater trained real hard, his abs could not look finer

He will run the race today with the Chilean miner

So if you are a runner, I’ll cheer you on like I’m supposedta

I’ll be watching with my coffee mug (it’s really a mimosa)

word.

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Halloween, Bitch.

Yo yo yo it’s that time of year

When a little eight-year-old dressed as Golda Meir

Comes and knocks on my door and I fill her sack with suckers

Yo trick-or-treat, Bitch, it’s HALLOWEEN MOTHAFUCKAS

Halloween’s fun for the young and old

But as a kid in Ohio, it was mothafuckin’ cold

And as a damper on things for me and my brother

We had to wear our jackets, THANKS A LOT JEWISH MOTHER

This shit pissed me off cuz I couldn’t even gloat

‘Bout the kick-ass costume that was covered by my coat

And I’d look at my mom in pure disbelief

And I’d say “Fine bitch, I’ll wear that jacket UNDERNEAF”

While other girls dressed as sluts, and the boys as the deceased

I was happy to be warm and dressed UP AS THE OBESED

And at least all my neighbors were able to tell

I was the best fat Sally fuckin’ JESSE RAPHAEL

Now for the kids in NYC, these problems simply don’t exist

They just go through their halls to the apartments on their list

And they don’t need their coats and they look so much leaner

I give them candy and smile.

They can suck my Halloweener.

word.

1 Comment

Bitch in Spinning Class

Yo I gots to tell you what I just saw

This bitch in my spinning class not wearin’ a bra

Now, that bitch is crazy, I didn’t wanna meet her

All bouncin’ around in her WHITE WIFE BEATER

Her chest wasn’t flat, NO, it was QUITE feminine

But bitch you betta go and do some Lululemonin’

Cuz I see enough when we’re dow at the lockers

And in class I don’t gots to be starin’ at your knockers

When I’m on a climb I don’t need to see your titties

This ain’t Ithaca, bitch, this is NEW YORK CITY

So go and buy a bra and but those bosoms on a shelf

If I wanna see some tits, I got a fine-ass pair myself

word.

2 Comments

Bitch Eatin’ Yogurt on the Train

Bitch eatin’ yogurt on the train

WHAT UP BITCH, are you insane?

I kept my mouth shut cuz I don’t like bein’ rude

But the MTA is not the place to EAT YO OPEN FOOD

Now I love eatin’ yogurt, bitch, please don’t get me wrong

In the comfort of my home, in the comfort of my thong

I like Dannon and Yoplait and Fage to boot

Activia tastes good but it REALLY MAKES ME TOOT

Those ones with cookie crumbs? HEAALLLS yeah bitch, I got ’em

I gots all those mother fuckers with the FRUIT on the BOTTOM

But when you’re on the subway, bitch you bet you betta toss it

This ain’t no LIRR on its way to Syosset

People here are crazy, drunk and on narcotics

And you’re just chillin’ there with your PRO-BI-OTICS

People coughin’ and sneezin’, they probably have SARS

Bitch, that’s just how we roll on the NQRs

Now I’m glad that you like yogurt, it aids in digestion

But when you ride the train, bitch, it’s just out of the question.

word.

2 Comments

Yom Kippur, Bitch

Yo yo yo, it’s Yom Kippur, bitch

If you don’t know that, you’re a sucker

I’m stuck in shul, repenting like a fool

And I am one HUNGRY MOTHA FUCKA

I wish that a fairy would bring me some Pinkberry

Or a peanut butter cone from Tasti-D

I’d give my left titty for just a LITTLE BITTY

Of a breadstick from the Cheesecake Factory

Bitch, today I won’t be pleasant even if you bring me presents

I apologize if Im bein’ rude

So stay away while I daven cuz you won’t get any lovin

Nothin comes between this Jew girl and her food

word.

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Rosh Hashanah, Bitch

YO YO YO didn’t you remember?

It’s the Jewish new year at the end of September

Well, sometimes it’s later and sometimes it’s sooner

Ya never know, bitch, CUZ THIS CALENDAR IS LUNAR

(boom boom chick wikka wikka what waaat)

All the Jews in the land with all of their money

Will get their freak on with some apples and honey

And then get in their cars and shout to their chauffers

“Bitch, take me to shul, so I can listen to some shofers!”

(tekiah tekiah…gadolAH)

So tonight if you’re thinkin of doin the nasty

With a freaky Jewish girl with a good rhinoplasty

Don’t tell her you’ll call and then screw her ova

Just wish her yasher koach and a big l’shana tova

Happy new year.

bitch.

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