Category Archives: Sex

I Met Bill Clinton, Bitch.

Yo I write the little raps, y’all, and oftentimes I feel

I gots to trick you all and pull this fuckin’ big reveal

Like that time I made you think I was using toys for lovin’

When really I was rappin’ bout my BREVILLE TOASTER OVEN

Or just last rap I said I had this big thing to confess

And it was that I had flu, (but fo reals I was a mess)

I think some misdirection sometimes is a little nice

Bitch, I love me some red herring LIT-ER-ARY DEVICE

But today I’ll come right out, you don’t need no fuckin’ hintin’

I’ll just say it, OH EM GEE, you guys, I MET BILL FUCKIN’ CLINTON

I just had left the gym, didn’t shower, I just went

I’m all, “Who is gonna see me? Not my FAVORITE PRESIDENT!”

I rocked my Uggs and puffy coat, Lululemon up my crotch

There was funeral traffic, REST IN PEACE TO MAYOR KOCH

So I’m waiting for the bus, just three stops, but that’s just fine

I GOTSTA USE MY MONTHLY ON THE M79

The bus stops right outside this fancy vegan restaurant

But on this afternoon three Escalades were PARKED OUT FRAUUNT

I had eaten there before, I found it gimmicky and faddish

I ordered ravioli, bitch, they made it outta RADDISH

I don’t know about y’all, but when I order ravioli

I don’t like to go home starving and eat MIDNIGHT GUACAMOLE

But after he left office and left Hills to deal with Putin

Billy boy went vegan and he cut down on his GLUTEN

So I’m standing with this Asian woman and her little son

When a guy jumps out the Escalade and then another one

They walk up to the restaurant and open up the door

And then the thing happened THAT I TOLD YOU BOUT BEFORE

BILL CLINTON emerged, bitch, the whole damn world stopped turning

It coulda been my lack of shower, but my underparts were burning

He walked right out the door and the scene played in slow motion

There was just so much to say and I was filled with such emotion

This man was good for everyone, small business and big firms

Our country saw such surplus when Bill Clinton served his terms

He led us from a dark place to unheralded prosperity

He gives hope and with his intellect, he always sheds such clarity

He’s sensible and wise and he always sticks to facts

(He’s a vegan silver fox and he could play me like a sax)

I thought of all these things and I stayed calm with all my might

When before he reached his car, he turned slightly to the right

With security around to make sure no one had a bomb

He walked right to the bus stop, UP TO ME AND ASIAN MOM

I looked into his eyes, like a sea of baby blue

And I melted to a puddle of a little rapping Jew

He extended his hand, with the secret service flanking him

I didn’t know what I should do, so I thought I’d stick to spanking him thanking him

He shook my hand, said, “Nice to meet you,” so gentle and so kind

When all my English words quickly left my little mind

I couldn’t feel my face, I could hardly even hear

So I just smiled with my whole face, bitch, from ear to shining ear

He then shook Asian Mom’s hand and her son’s hand in the middle

And he nodded back at grinning me (I maybe peed a little)

And shaking hands with him, by proxy, probably would mean

That I shook hands with the President of 20damn16

He climbed into his car, and he went along his way

And I thought a lot about the words I never got to say

I just met the greatest leader that our lives may ever know

And THANK YOU, CROSSTOWN BUS, for always being so damn slow

And thank you, Mr. President, I never will forget you

And let’s lay off Lewinsky, folks, cuz Monica, I get you

word.

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Party Foul, Bitch.

Ho Ho Ho, bitch! ‘Tis the fuckin’ season

To throw a fuckin’ party for just any rhyme or reason

Time to take a vacay (or pretend and wear some bronzer)

And light all of the lights for Jesus, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaar

But before you head out and party with your friends or firms

I feel I need to teach you to spread CHEER and not your GERMS

I’ve rapped to you before ’bout how to keep from getting sick

But there’s one germy threat happ’nin’ at parties IN PARTIC

Now I’m not a fan of parties, though I know most of you are

I’d rather eat Chinese and watch The View on DVR

But I always end up going cuz I’m not a fuckin’ flake

I go to spread the joy, but bitch, I mostly go for CAKE

Actually I prob’ly should be slightly more specific

I could do without the cake itself, but FROSTING IS TERRIFIC

Open bars are nice, but bitch, ain’t nothing more enticing

Than a fuckin’ slice of cake with a WHOLE SHIT-TON OF ICING

And my husband won’t eat frosting! NOPE! The cake part’s all he eats

That’s why we got married, bitch, ECONOMY OF TREATS

He know’s all he’s got do if he wants to get some nookie

Is to let me make a bitch out of a BLACK & WHITE COOKIE (only the white side, duh)

And so I’m here to tell you all something that really makes me scowl

My number one all time biggest fuckin’ party foul

It’s an issue that dates back to when I was a lil’ child

When the coolest girl in school had this birthday that was wild

At that roller skating rink with the disco lights for Thriller

The coolest kids in school were there, the GOODIE BAGS WERE KILLER

And then her mom brought out the cake–it was white with chocolate drizzle

There was tons of fuckin’ frosting, bitch, this cake was off the HIZZLE

And her mom cut her the first piece, which of course I thought was fine

Do I really need to tell you who was fucking next in line?

And then the most horrific thing I had seen in my young life

Her mothafuckin’ mom LICKED the MOTHAFUCKIN’ KNIFE!

She put the knife back in the cake and my eyes were wide with horror

She cut me off a piece and my jaw dropped on the FLOORER

I watched her do it ever time, licking all that fucking frosting

And I simply couldn’t eat the cake, THAT SHIT WAS DISGOSTING

Which brings us to last week when I was faced with this aGAIN

Now I’m all adult and shit, toasting my champagne

When all of the sudden I got real enthusiastic

When they brought out a cake that looked FUCKING FANTASTIC

This cake looked so amazing, it looked like an utter dream

With tons of salted caramel fuckin’ buttercream

The bartender began to cut amidst my great emotion

And all of the sudden things just went into slow motion

He wiped the knife off on his hand and of course my gaze did linger

As he slowly sucked the frosting off of EVERY FUCKING FINGER

It was like a fucking crime, I shoulda called the dang police

As he went and stuck those hands in every motherfuckin’ piece

Pensively I took my slice, and perhaps it was the booze

But I knew cake was something that was just too good to lose

And that shit was so damn good, you guys, I swear I’d give fellatio

To the baker who decided on that frosting to cake ratio

And I’m glad I stretched my bounds a bit, this Hanukkah I grew

But this entire fuckin’ week I’ve had the mothafuckin’ flu

So simply to avoid this very tragic party foul

I urge you to use protection, wipe your knife off on a towel

And that girl whose mom was gross, well, she turned out kinda groovy

You can all see her this Christmas starring in that Les Miz movie

(Totally kidding, it wasn’t Anne Hathaway. But it would be crazy if it was, right?)

word.

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Harvest, Bitch.

There’s a chill in the air and it’s feelin’ pretty nice

And when you go into a Starbucks yous be gettin’ pumpkin spice

So break out that padded vest, put away them seersuckers

It’s my favorite time of year, IT’S THE HARVEST MOTHAFUCKAS

Time to go jump in the leaves and time to follow me on twitter

Time to pick some apples and then eat a frickin’ fritter

And boys, it’s time you find a bitch to take under your covers

Cuz I’m telling you, you heard it here, THE HARVEST IS FOR LOVERS

And to get yourself a lady you need tips, well boys, I got ’em

If you follow my instructions you will get some tail this autumn

The secret to make sure that you will get some harvest lovin’

It be right under your nose, right in your MOTHAFUCKIN’ OVEN

You don’t need no sexy music, you don’t need no water bed

All you need to know is how to make a PUMPKIN BREAD

Now if baking freaks you out and you normally eschew it

Don’t worry, mothafucka, I’MMA TEACH YOU HOW TO DO IT

First you take a cup a sugar, cream it with a stick of butter

Give your bitch a little wink and then her heart will go aflutter

Add a teaspoon of vanilla and two eggs and stir it well

(Maybe crack the eggs beforehand YOU DON’T WANT NO BITS OF SHELL)

In a different bowl add flour, like a whole cup and a half

(And verify your bitch is clean of STDs or STAPH)

Add a half teaspoon of salt and one teaspoon baking soda

And to get her in the mood just turn on Kathy Lee and Hoda

Mix all that shit together and then soon she’ll know what’s up

When to that you add some pumpkin ONE ENTIRE FUCKIN’ CUP

Now for my big secret that’ll really make her scream

To that you add a half a cup of fuckin’ SOUR CREAM

SOUR CREAM? You may ask? BITCH YOU CRAZY, MAKE NO SENSE!

But you betta believe–it makes that loaf so MOIST AND DENSE

Sour cream and pumpkin is a combo that’s climactic

It’s creamy and it’s tangy from the acid that’s all LACTIC

Now she’ll really want you but you gots to tell her “IN A MIN”

Cuz you gots to add a teaspoon of some fuckin’ cinnamon

And you make you lady wait, even though by now she’s beggin’

You need a half a teaspoon–you be gettin NUTEGGIN

And one last thing to make sure you be gettin in her hips

Stir in some fuckin’ semi-sweet CHOCOLATE FUCKIN CHIPS

Pour it in a loaf pan that you’ve parchmented or greased

Bake at 350 for an hour, brotha, YOURE A FUCKIN’ BEAST

Then go and get your freak on and a pumpkiny aroma

Will wake you up like Folgers from your fall post-coital coma

And I promise you there’s no way that that chick was even faking

Though I cannot guarantee she didn’t use you for your your baking

And if you think baking’s girly work, best for a maid or elf

I’ve got a BINDER FULL OF WOMEN telling you to fuck yourself

So go and get your bake on, don’t you think of hesitating

(This works especially well if she is fat or menstruating)

And when all is said and done you can go cuddle up beside her

And instead of cigarettes cool off with pumpkin bread and cider

word.

(recipe adapted from http://www.food.com/recipe/sour-cream-pumpkin-bread-157475)

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Bagels, Bitch.

YO every Sunday morning all we Jews go on a mission

Like Tevye told Lazar Wolf, “THIS SHIT IS OUR TRADITION”

You jump right out of bed (where you are practicing your kagels)

And you get your ass in line to get some MOTHA FUCKIN’ BAGELS

I don’t want no fancy shit, NO THANKS, BAREFOOT CONTESSA

I used to go to H&H but now I go to ESS-A

And fellas, if you want a bitch, before you go and pork her

Take her out for bagels, see if she’s a true New Yorker

You don’t need no background check, no need to check her references

All you need to know is in her FUCKIN’ BAGEL PREFERENCES

Yo don’t want a bitch who goes and orders a dozen

They’ll be bad in 3 hours, eat them HOT NOW, COUSIN

She’ll tell you she’ll just freeze ’em when she gives her big-ass order

Back the fuck away, you’ve found a FUCKIN’ BAGEL HOARDER

If she likes a lot of seeds, I’m talkin’ sesame or poppy

And gets ’em all up in her teeth, then you can bet that bitch is sloppy

You know she’ll be a downer with some deep, depressing ballad

If she orders MOTHAFUCKIN’ WHITEFISH MOTHAFUCKIN’ SALAD

Girls are fun and quirky if they order pumpernickel

She’ll be easy if she gets herself a BIG FULL SOUR PICKLE

Beware of cinnamon raisin, if you know what I mean

They may be real hot but they’re like, SO under eighteen

She’s real Jewey if she asks them, “Can you scoop it out please??”

Yeah, bitch, you’ll get real skinny once you fill that shit with CHEESE

If you wanna bag a shiksa, then you know that you’ll be safe

If she gets bacon on that bagel–LEMME HEAR YA SAY TRAIF

And a bitch who gets a flagel will be sure to take good care of ya

She maximizes overall POTENTIAL SCHMEARING AREA

A bitch who really knows the perfect schmear-to-bagel ratio

In my informal study, tends to give the best fellatio

She knows to spread it evenly, across the whole diameter

She even knows to rap it out in I-AM-BIC PENTAMETER (or really more heptameter…if she’s really awesome)

I can always tell a guy who had a bagel bitch come ova

To me, the smell of love is wholewheat everything and NOVA

And for some extra credit, after you go make your nookie

Forget the cigarette and have a BLACK AND WHITE COOKIE

So why are you still home? Go get some bitches up in here

Get your ass some bagels with some MOTHAFUCKIN SCHMEAR

word.

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My View, Bitch.

Yo recently we moved, I’m not sure if you knew

From our first New York apartment with a stunning river view

And we quickly learned our view of New York living was quite slanted

Cuz we took that river view of ours TOTALLY FOR GRANTED

Sure it’s nice to see the sun as if it’s rising just for you

And to watch the boats sail by in the East River, oh so blue brown

But we fell into a habit there, it hardly is a crime

Bitch, we were MOTHA FUCKIN NAKED ALL THE MOTHA FUCKIN TIME

I would wake up every morning, watch the sunrise in euphoria

Nobody could see me (‘cept for sections of Astoria)

I’d drink a cup of coffee and I’d even shake a titty

That was my morning ritual GOOD MORNING NEW YORK CITAAYY

The nearest building was a hospital which hardly was in sight

There was a SLIGHT chance they could see me if my light was on at night

But the chances were so small, that I’d kinda just ignore it

If a patient caught a glimpse of me, no one  was worse off for it

I pretended like that hospital that sorta was in view

Was the one Macaulay Culkin helped in Home Alone PART TWO

I had no turtle doves to give them, but I always was undressed

So every Christmas I’d be sure to flash my DUNCAN’S TOY CHEST

I have a decent rack, and I’m not saying it to gloat

If the sick folks saw, I was FULFILLING MY MITZVOT

Now our new place is real nice and great, please don’t get me wrong

But don’t it always seem to go? (Like in that Joni Mitchell song)

When we are naked and we look out on what used to be the water

Now there’s a family staring back, a mom and dad, a son and daughter

The dad saw me the first time, I wasn’t sure how to behave

I thought, I hadn’t met them yet, I might as well just wave

The nanny and the girl saw my guy and were offended

Old habits do die hard, (let’s say that pun was not intended)

They were sitting at the table doing homework–long division

But she got a bonus lesson plan on Jewish circumcision

The mother saw me once, and she ran away quite frantic

She had never seen a chest that was so Jewishly gigantic

I am trying to improve, but now and then I’m found

So my newest plan of action is to drop right to the ground

There’s nowhere else to hide in that lapse of self control

So I make like a fire drill and  STOP DROP AND ROLL

For them it’s better than a river view, Hudson River’s septic

It’s more fun to watch their neighbor who’s a NUDIST EPILEPTIC

But just the other day, bitch, I think I learned my lesson

When I saw the dad across the way, openly undressin’

And from that point on, I changed my ways, I don’t need no adjustin’

Cuz bitch, I tell you, what I saw was really damn DISGUSTIN’

So I may not have my river view, that chapter sadly ends

But I have my ugly naked guy, LIKE MONICA ON FRIENDS

He’s clothed right now, and he just waved, he caught the look I shot him

Little does he know, I’m fuckin’ naked on the bottom

word.

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My Sweetie, Bitch.

Yo just last week was our anniversary

And marriage, let me say, is everything I’d hoped it’d be

We’re partners and lovers, a team and best friends

We watch The Bachelorette and fall asleep before it ENDS

These past four years have truly been nothing short of heaven

He does wake up before me cuz he has to work at seven

And every day I wake up knowing just what I’ll encounter

When I walk into the kitchen and I look upon the counter

Although he leaves so quietly and doesn’t make a racket

HE NEVER FUCKIN’ THROWS AWAY HIS MOTHER FUCKIN’ SPLENDA PACKET

Ya see, we love our coffee maker, like I can’t even express-o

A morning ain’t a morning til this bitch has her Nespresso

He always makes his cappuccino from the comfort of our home

He knows just how to sweeten it and not disturb his FOAM

Two thirds of a Splenda, and he stirs in gingerly

I’M DOWN WITH OCD, YEAH YOU KNOW ME

He drinks his morning java and he cleans up the machine

He puts on that little stethoscope and flees the fuckin’ scene

So then I wake up about an hour or so later

And see some yellow on the counter next to the ‘frigerator

Believe it or not, he’s a doctor, not a trucker

BUT HE NEVER THROWS AWAY THAT SPLENDA PACKET MOTHA FUCKER

The trash can’s right below, it don’t require you to think

(We Jews all keep our garbage cans underneath the sink)

Now my husband is real brilliant, this fact I must admit

He not only is a doctor, but does RESEARCH AND SHIT

If you have a question, you can bet he’ll have an answer

I bet him a B.J. that he’ll probably cure cancer

There is nary a disease that he cannot diagnose

BUT HE CANNOT THROW AWAY THAT MOTHA FUCKIN’ SUCRALOSE

This problem used to take place only in our house

Cuz who would clean your Splenda up other than your spouse?

But the other day we stopped to get an iced coffee or two

At this little shop by us that does a mean COLD BREW

I knew he wouldn’t do it there, so I just took sip

But I turned around and saw that he had left out JUST THE TIP

Just the TIP of the Splenda, yeah–word to your mom

Just the TIP? It’s a coffee shop–not the fuckin’ PROM

It’s like my smart sexy man has this crazy presumption

That the world needs to keep tabs on his Splenda consumption

He can’t believe he does this cuz he’s usually so neat

And he always says he’s sorry cuz he’s NAT-U-RALLY SWEET

And he goes to hold my hand, and I feel his wedding ring

In these past four years of marriage, bitch, I wouldn’t change a thing

He says he’ll try to change next time, but really I don’t care

Cuz that little yellow packet lets me know that he was there

We just went out for coffee at this little cafe

He said, “Don’t you even worry, I know what you’re gonna say”

“It’s our fifth year of marriage now, so Baby, let’s begin it”

And he walked right by the garbage and he threw his Splenda in it on itImageword.

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Camping, Bitch.

Yo once upon a time I was young and in love

We was just like peas and carrots, just like OJ and his GLOVE

But oftentimes love just gets you stupid and naive

You agree to do some shit that you wouldn’t BELIEVE

So of course my little heart filled with joy and such elation

When my guy described what would be our “romantic vacation”

So although this bitch was bloated with full pre-menstrual cramping

I joyfully agreed to go mothafuckin CAMPING

Now, believe me when I tell you just how nice he made it sound

All alone in the wild without anyone around

He’s all, “Just pack up some bikinis and some shorts and a few tanks”

And I really kinda dug it–NO NEED FOR HEELS OR SPANX

So we packed up the car and drove to Canada’s border

Which took an hour to cross cuz we were stuck behind a HOARDER

Then out of the blue, it kinda started to drizzle

Then the skies opened up and that rain was off the HIZZLE

He was totally unfazed and all, “Don’t worry! It’ll pass!”

So we bought a box of wine (cuz the parks allow NO GLASS)

We pull up to the parking lot, the rain has yet to stop

And I smile with my sunscreen and my little white tank top

So we drive and buy some sweatshirts just to cover up my titties

(Jewish boobs fare better when they’re placed in major cities)

So we set off to our campsite, this entire time he knew

To get to our site took two hours by CANOE

So I tried to row my paddles, simply trying to be dutiful

Through the rain and thunder I screamed, “BABY THIS IS BEAUTIFUL!”

We finally reached land and I needed a massage

I thought we were all done, NU UH, we still had to PORTAGE

That didn’t sound so bad HA! actually instead

That means you go on a hike with the canoe on your dang HEAD

We finally get to the site, and I thought I’d get some tongue

But no, we had to search the site to check for BEAR DUNG

He decided that the site was gonna be just fine

So he went to pitch the tent and I drank the box of wine

There was nothing but rain for as far as we could see

This was nothing like “glamping” on REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC

Those bitches had a cabin and each had her cell pho-en

And I ain’t under contract with Bravo’s Andy Co-hen

So I waited in the tent, soaking wet from head to toe

I hadn’t peed all day, I was TOO AFRAID TO GO

I knew how to do it, but it still was kinda divey

I was scared I’d wipe my chach with the wrong kind of BLUE IVY

So whereas I thought this trip would bring us sexual elation

Instead I was wet and drunk and faced with CAMPING CONSTIPATION

I heard a rustle and I screamed, I thought a bear had come to greet us

But instead it was my cold wet guy, he had made fajitas

We snuggled up and went to bed, too cold to get real frisky

I stayed awake and watched for bears–sleeping was TOO RISKY

So our camping night that should have been filled with such romance

Turned into one where every sound made me crap my pants

In the morning my guy hung a little hammock that he found

I jumped on in and flipped it and we both fell on the ground

And for a moment we were happy, though I may have been obtuse

Cuz as soon as we stood up I squealed, “HOLY FUCK! A MOOSE!”

“Just be quiet,” my guy said, “You don’t wanna scare him off”

But he was just a yard away so I took pictures with a scoff

Then it ran away, my guy sighed and made a tinkle

I guess a moose can kill a bitch, THANKS A LOT, BULLWINKLE

The rain looked like it’d come again, we thought we might as well

Gather all our shit and get our asses a hotel

So we packed up all our stuff, the tent and the canoe

And I pretended to paddle for an hour or two

I took a look around us, just the water and the green

It was the most gorgeous place that I ever had seen

The rain kept pelting down, thunder roaring from above

I looked back at my guy and thought, Fuck. I am in love.

So although I’d sooner go to yoga class to get my zen

When it comes camping, well, for him, I’d do it all again

Nearly moosed and hypothermic, but at least we were together

So, yeah, I’d try again, but I would check the fucking weather.

word.

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Hot Toys, Bitch.

Yo, every now and then my husband works the night shift

It gets lonely up in here, a girl could use a little lift

So what do ladies do when they’re left without their boys?

Bitches this is when you gotsta go and get yourself some TOYS

And my favorite toy of all is one handsome little devil

He is sleek and stainless steel and I call him my Breville

Yes, when I am all alone and I need a little lovin’

I ain’t gotta look much further than my fuckin’ TOASTER OVEN

Ladies, when you are in need of a little affection

Why not give yourself the added perk of cooking with CONVECTION?

I guess my Foreman will do when I need a grilling fix

I use my KitchenAid when I am just too lazy to mix

That immersion wand’s the shit when I’m whipping heavy cream

And I stay hydrated now, thanks to my SODA STREAM

But as I look my appliances and all of their utilities

The toaster oven always wins with its ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES

It does ANYTHING I WANT when I plug it in the socket

Bitch, if I swung that way it would make me a HOT POCKET

When you defrost things in the microwave, they’re chewy–IT’S UPSETTING

The toaster oven makes things perfectly–THANK YOU FROZEN SETTING

When food is gross and soggy, bitch, I really do abhor it

I’m so happy with my Breville- GLAD I REGISTERED FOR IT!

You can cook a small roast in there if you really wanna

That’s where I made my kugel–when?–ON FUCKIN’ ROSH HASHANAH!

And for all those sleepless nights when you’re sad and all alone

There’s a special pizza setting and a CUSTOM PIZZA STONE

If you have a chicken breast and a little olive oil

Just set it and forget it, LET THE BREVILLE DO THE BROIL

Keep your leftovers, it reheats them for you later

You can make a tiny brisket for a TINY PESACH SEDER

It has infinite potential just for you to uncork

Just ask Sonja Morgan–from Real Housewives of NEW YORK

It makes me tons of food and it stops when I say when

Yeah, I like my toaster ovens, bitch,  just like I like my men (Jewish)

So of course I miss my husband, cuz I do love him the most

I’ll think about him later, cuz now mama needs some TOAST

word.

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