Valentine’s Day, Bitch.

YO it’s fuckin’ February I ain’t Punxsutawney Phillin’

6 more weeks of winter, bitch, that groundhog he BE ILLIN’

(I be illin’ too, so you ain’t hearin’ my inflection


AND all this homophobia–it gets me all emoshi

So I cannot watch The Bachelor or STRAIGHT PEOPLE IN SOCHI

This ain’t no time for hatred, go and coz beneath your covers

Cuz it’s Februrary, bitch, and it’s for MOTHER FUCKIN’ LOVERS

It’s the time to get real lucky (like with peens or like, vagines)

Cuz it’s fuckin’ mother fuckin’ FRIGGIN FUCKIN’ VALENTINE’S

There ain’t no better gal to teach you how to ante up your whorin’

Than a girl like me who’s Jewish, married, old and HELLA BORIN’

I’ve been married nearly six years which is nearly more than five

And I gots to tell ya, bitch, my man can keep some shit ALIVE

And he can get inside my pants just by showing that he cares

Which is hard to do this vortex CUZ I WEAR ELEVEN PAIRS

But he recently did something that just fuckin’ blew my roof

So listen up boys, I’m bouts to give y’all the TROOF

Before you plan something extravagant, a dinner or a trip

Like a prom date might have said, “I’m bouts to give you just a tip”

Use your head and not your wallet, don’t go spend a huge amount

Like a Jewish guy would say, “Bitch, it’s the little things that count”

So my man did something for me, and I do not mean to gloat

But I’m helping you by giving you this SEXY ANECDOTE:

So I’s at the gynecologist, it’s that time of the year

And like every other Jewish girl, YOU KNOW I LOVE A SCHMEAR

The doctor’s nice enough, but I can’t help but awkward chatter


While her hand is on my titty and my bladder

I’ll get a special 16 handles and I’ll get like, ALL the syrups 

As my very special treat when I get out of these damn stirrups…

I do find this all romantic, bitch you better believe

But I drop that gown so fast cuz bitch, I cannot wait to leave

I go to pay my copay which, like, always feels so dirty

That they feel me up so quickly, I’s sposta pay them $30?!

I waddle past this preggers chick, “My copay–can’t forget!”

And the secretary’s all like, “Honey child, you all set”

“No no no, I have to pay–if there’s a change I’m not aware of it.”

“You’re good”

And I’m like, “WHA?”

“Your man stopped by, and he took care of it

And I am just like, “WHAAA???” Like, my whole head was in a whirl

And I couldn’t form a word until I finally muttered,


And I kinda got chocked up, and I know it sounds so dumb

Secretary’s like, “I know…”

Pregnant chick is like, “Ummhummmm”

It caught me there off guard, I didn’t think that that would happen

When I set out to get myself some mother fuckin’ PAPPIN’

I just was not expecting that, not even in the slightest

He’s like a white night and like…he’s ACTUALLY the whitest!

You can show your love in many ways–sorry I’m a sap

Through a copay for a pap or via Jewey little rap

I guess that there’s a chance for romance every day of the year

Whether Valentine’s Day or just your ANNUAL SCHMEAR

But there are lot’s of other ways for you to show off your affection

Don’t Valentine down at the gyn–(unless you gave her some infection)

Just go ahead and tell the folks you love that that you well, love them

Whether friends, or loves, or family, let them know you’re thinking of them

And it’s thinking of each other that just makes it all so sweet

(And maybe chocolate and some dinner..cuz like… bitches gotsta eat)

Don’t take love for granted, always nourish what you got

Sometimes it’s the tiny things that really mean a lot

Happy Valentine’s Day, and before you go begin it

Just think OUTSIDE the box–or well actually, think in it


Yo yo yo bitch welcome to my turf

It’s the greatest time of year


Let’s all raise a glass, clap your hands, and shake a titty


Yo yo yo bitch, I’m sure that you’ve heard

That for Thanksgiving this year, you better get a KOSHER bird

Everybody knows this, even Jamie Foxx and Vivica

I’m sure by now you’ve heard it’s fuckin’ mother fuck THANKSGIVUKKAH READ MO, YO!


It’s summer and you think I’m gonna rap ’bout somethin’ lotional

Today’s a little different, y’all, forgive me if I’m ‘motional

Let’s take a little breather, slow it down and maybe park it

Put away your kale from your co-op hipster market

Let’s gather like it’s Pesach, all my sisters and my brothers

While I tell you why this night is so much DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHERS

So let’s all listen up, just relax or take a pill

And I’ll tell y’all the story cuz this shit ’bout to get RIL

Ten years ago today, in his junior year of college

Was a Jewey little pre-med who was fillin’ up with knowledge

(And frat parties and beer, but like, he was young and bonery

and KINDA maybe KINDA SORTA just a LITTLE stonery)

And while the other kids at Michigan sang “Hail to the VIC”

He was singin, “HAELLL, you guys, I feel kinda SICK”

He went and got some blood tests and was soon faced with the answer

And headed to the hospital with motherfucking cancer

When you go off to college, you might worry ’bout bulimia

And OBVIOUSLY herpes, but for real y’all, LEUKEMIA?

He did chemo, radiation, and the outcome still looked narrow

The kid needed a transplant of like, ALL of his bone marrow

He comes from this great family, they’re there for one another

And luckily he found a match in his little brother

(On a side note, join the donor list, PREACH THAT, Doctor Oz,

It’s tough to match minorities like blacks and ASHKENAZ)

In the midst of this he met a girl, which might sound real alarming

He may have been all bald and sick but WORKED it, and was charming

They chatted on IM (You remember that? I’m old…)

And she was super awesome, or like, that’s what I am told

They counted down his quarantine, the hurdles and the hoops

Their first kiss sent him to the hospital–can I get an OOPS?

So she asked him how long it would be till he’s out of the wood?

And he said 10 years post-transplant would be like, REALLY REALLY good

Ten years seemed like forever, so they just went on with life

They finished school, started careers, and then the girl became his wife

If you measure life in love LIKE RENT, then they had lots of wealth

And were thankful every day, for each other, and their health

And the boy became a cancer doc, yea, that deserves some clapping

The girl became an actress and she dabbles in Jew rapping

And though you can’t say ten whole years ever goes by fast

The day they waited for so long is finally here at last

I’m jappy rappy, never sappy, but these years have been a whirl

I’m so grateful for this guy, and I’m so lucky I’m his girl

If the cheesiness ain’t too much yet, well, now I’m ’bout to ruin it

Know where he’s at work today? The bone marrow transplant unit

He says fate can gently guide you, but sometimes it’s a firm push

And he’s one hell of a doctor, and has one hell of a tush

I try not to rap too personal, I usually berate it

But when life gives you a gift like this, you have to celebrate it

Life is full of ups and downs, it comes with hope and doubt

And there’s times when you should have your cake and blow your candles out

Happy 10 years, my sweet love, you took cancer and you beat it

Today’s the day you’ll have your cake and motherfuckin’ eat it

So let’s all celebrate today, even just a sliver

Cuz I have got a cake I’ve waited ten years to deliver


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