Valentine’s Day, Bitch.

YO it’s fuckin’ February I ain’t Punxsutawney Phillin’

6 more weeks of winter, bitch, that groundhog he BE ILLIN’

(I be illin’ too, so you ain’t hearin’ my inflection

I got a–WHAT WHAT–RESPIRATORY INFECTION)

AND all this homophobia–it gets me all emoshi

So I cannot watch The Bachelor or STRAIGHT PEOPLE IN SOCHI

This ain’t no time for hatred, go and coz beneath your covers

Cuz it’s Februrary, bitch, and it’s for MOTHER FUCKIN’ LOVERS

It’s the time to get real lucky (like with peens or like, vagines)

Cuz it’s fuckin’ mother fuckin’ FRIGGIN FUCKIN’ VALENTINE’S

There ain’t no better gal to teach you how to ante up your whorin’

Than a girl like me who’s Jewish, married, old and HELLA BORIN’

I’ve been married nearly six years which is nearly more than five

And I gots to tell ya, bitch, my man can keep some shit ALIVE

And he can get inside my pants just by showing that he cares

Which is hard to do this vortex CUZ I WEAR ELEVEN PAIRS

But he recently did something that just fuckin’ blew my roof

So listen up boys, I’m bouts to give y’all the TROOF

Before you plan something extravagant, a dinner or a trip

Like a prom date might have said, “I’m bouts to give you just a tip”

Use your head and not your wallet, don’t go spend a huge amount

Like a Jewish guy would say, “Bitch, it’s the little things that count”

So my man did something for me, and I do not mean to gloat

But I’m helping you by giving you this SEXY ANECDOTE:

So I’s at the gynecologist, it’s that time of the year

And like every other Jewish girl, YOU KNOW I LOVE A SCHMEAR

The doctor’s nice enough, but I can’t help but awkward chatter

“…POLAR VORTEX!”

While her hand is on my titty and my bladder

I’ll get a special 16 handles and I’ll get like, ALL the syrups 

As my very special treat when I get out of these damn stirrups…

I do find this all romantic, bitch you better believe

But I drop that gown so fast cuz bitch, I cannot wait to leave

I go to pay my copay which, like, always feels so dirty

That they feel me up so quickly, I’s sposta pay them $30?!

I waddle past this preggers chick, “My copay–can’t forget!”

And the secretary’s all like, “Honey child, you all set”

“No no no, I have to pay–if there’s a change I’m not aware of it.”

“You’re good”

And I’m like, “WHA?”

“Your man stopped by, and he took care of it

And I am just like, “WHAAA???” Like, my whole head was in a whirl

And I couldn’t form a word until I finally muttered,

“GUUURLLL”

And I kinda got chocked up, and I know it sounds so dumb

Secretary’s like, “I know…”

Pregnant chick is like, “Ummhummmm”

It caught me there off guard, I didn’t think that that would happen

When I set out to get myself some mother fuckin’ PAPPIN’

I just was not expecting that, not even in the slightest

He’s like a white night and like…he’s ACTUALLY the whitest!

You can show your love in many ways–sorry I’m a sap

Through a copay for a pap or via Jewey little rap

I guess that there’s a chance for romance every day of the year

Whether Valentine’s Day or just your ANNUAL SCHMEAR

But there are lot’s of other ways for you to show off your affection

Don’t Valentine down at the gyn–(unless you gave her some infection)

Just go ahead and tell the folks you love that that you well, love them

Whether friends, or loves, or family, let them know you’re thinking of them

And it’s thinking of each other that just makes it all so sweet

(And maybe chocolate and some dinner..cuz like… bitches gotsta eat)

Don’t take love for granted, always nourish what you got

Sometimes it’s the tiny things that really mean a lot

Happy Valentine’s Day, and before you go begin it

Just think OUTSIDE the box–or well actually, think in it

 Word.

Yo yo yo bitch welcome to my turf

It’s the greatest time of year

IN THE GREATEST PLACE ON EARF

Let’s all raise a glass, clap your hands, and shake a titty

IT’S NEW YEAR’S FUCKIN’ EVE right here in NEW YORK FUCKIN CITAAYYY READ MO, YO!

Yo yo yo bitch, I’m sure that you’ve heard

That for Thanksgiving this year, you better get a KOSHER bird

Everybody knows this, even Jamie Foxx and Vivica

I’m sure by now you’ve heard it’s fuckin’ mother fuck THANKSGIVUKKAH READ MO, YO!