Category Archives: Judaism

Movie Date, Bitch.

I went on a date with my husband, yo

We wanted to stay in, but I told that fucker NO

We’re not staying home like a bunch of married suckers

There’s only one thing to do: MUPPET MOVIE MOTHA FUCKAS

So we set out on our date, and we’re lookin’ pretty posh

And we stop at Dylan’s Candy Bar cuz this bitch needs a NOSH

Five dollas for Twizzlers at the theatre is a curse

So I get my own shit and I STUFF IT IN MY PURSE

Dylan’s is real crowded–those sticky kids all verminy

But mama needs some CANDY CORN and gummy bears from Germany

I look over at my husband and I’m sure he’s getting randy

Watching me knock over kids to buy a pound of candy

We continue on our movie date, I can’t wait to begin it

My purse won’t even close because there’s SO MUCH CANDY IN IT

$12 for a ticket, bitch, that really is an oucher

But you can count on me to bring my LIVING SOCIAL VOUCHER

Going to the movies, bitch, can really make you broke

But $5 won’t keep me from a GIGANTIC DIET COKE

So we sit down to our movie date all ready to get jiggy

Cuz there ain’t nothing sexier than Kermie and Miss Piggy

This lady sitting next to me is talking on her phone

I wanna punch her face, but I just leave the bitch alone

If I wasn’t on this date I’d prob’ly poke her in the eye

When all of the sudden I hear a baby start to cry

I look to my left thinking someone must be joking

And I see a fucking baby, ok, now I’ll start eye pokin’

Now I really love babies, but this shit is uncanny

Either don’t come to the movies, or just get yoself a NANNY

Then I see a flash–I look up at the light fixtures,

But bitch, hold the phone, there’s a FELLA TAKIN PICTURES

He whispers “Smile! Say cheese!” and his daughter starts to squeal

And he starts flashin’ away–THIS SHIT CANNOT BE FO REAL

I grab my husband’s leg and I cough into my sleeve

PICTURES IN THE PICTURES, bitch, do you even BELIEVE?

Infants and flash photos, bitch now that should be illegal

‘Specially at films with Fozzie Bear and Jason Segel

Now, I’m a good moviegoer unlike all of these fools

I don’t add my own soundtrack, bitch, I all follow the rules

I was gonna say something, but I ain’t no complainer

I pitch in and throw my trash in the SPECIFIED CONTAINER

I walk out of the movie thinkin’ what a fuckin’ joke

(and I gots to stop and tinkle cuz of ALL THAT DIET COKE)

We start the long walk home and I gather up my pride

That’s what I get for seein’ movies on the UPPA EAST SOOIIDE

I’ll see the film again, and I’ll concentrate for real

(but now I gotsta wait for a LIVING SOClAL DEAL)

And for our next date, to avoid this same result

We’ll maybe see something that’s a little more adult

Perhaps we’ll see a porno, my husband’d prolly love it

I guess that would be funny–I’ll take a picture of it

word.

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Hanukkah, Bitch.

While Santa hits the skies to deliver gifts with Blitzen

My people are in Boca, complaining that they’re schvitzin’

And they’re slappin on some lotion, cuz their eczema, it itches

Yes, even though it’s Christmas, it’s still HANUKKAH, BITCHES!

So set aside your presents, step away from them trees

And celebrate for Judah and the fuckin’ Maccabees

Because without them Maccabees, we would all be pagan

And there would be no Hanukkah for Judge ELENA KAGAN

All because these Jewish boys defeated Greeks and Syrians

So their children could be doctors up at New York Presbyterian

They had one night of oil, they were running out of luck,

But it burned for eight whole nights and Judah’s all like, “HOLY FUCK”

So while you get that egg nog, and youre fillin’ up your cup

I’ll grab my menorah and I’ll LIGHT THAT FUCKER UP

And then I’ll spin a dreidel and I’ll win some gelt, it’s funny–

Leave it to us Jews to make our chocolate look like money

So don’t give me no fruitcake, I assure you I will toss it

Just give this bitch a latke and I’ll fuckin’ APPLESAUCE IT

Go open up your presents, I hope they are insane

I’ll be at the movies and then eating some lo mein

I wish a Happy Hanukkah to all you girls and boys

And of course a Merry Christmas goes out to all you goys

word.

4 Comments

Eggs, Bitch.

Yo very few things can make your lady feel finer

Than an all-inclusive breakfast at your favorite local diner

You’ll know you’re gettin lucky when you see her start to smile

When she reads, “Two Eggs” what what “ANY STYLE”

But before you even think of gettin into her legs,

You can learn a lot about a bitch from how she takes her eggs

If she wants them over hard, then she’s gonna be a bore

On the flip side, over easy means you’ve got yourself a whore

Scrambled chicks are crazy, I suggest you run and hide up

And she’s got daddy issues if she wants them sunny-side up

If your lady orders egg whites, for an extra buck or twoish

Then that bitch has high cholesterol, well that or she’s just Jewish

But the hottest girls of all, they don’t want Tiffany or Coach,

What really turns them on is when a MAN KNOWS HOW TO POACH

And what could make a Jew boy feel more sexually alive

Than to cook the eggs at home and save himself 4.95?

So as an early gift for Chanukah, to help you get your freak on

Here’s the step-by-step to get your egg poachin’ technique on

First thing you gots to do is put some water in a pot

Heat it just below a simmer, YOU DON’T WANT IT BOILIN’ HOT

I add a touch of vinegar, that’s up to some debates

But I really fuckin’ love it cuz that SHIT COAGULATES

You gently stir the water with a spatula or spoon

You make a lil’ whirlpool and your bitch will start to swoon

Then simply pour the egg into the center of the well

I crack that shit beforehand, I don’t want no bits of SHELL

3-4 minutes is the time that you should budget

Let it cook real nice until you’re just able to nudge it

Then you carefully remove it with a spoon that’s nice and slotted

(Girls get really horny when their arteries are clotted)

Drain it on a paper towel and then go ahead and serve it

And then go and get your nookie–you poached it, you deserve it

So next time you feel freaky, no need to flirt or beg

Just grab your favorite lady and then poach that bitch an egg

Word.

(poaching method adapted from Smitten Kitchen)

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Yom Kippur, Bitch

Yo yo yo, it’s Yom Kippur, bitch

If you don’t know that, you’re a sucker

I’m stuck in shul, repenting like a fool

And I am one HUNGRY MOTHA FUCKA

I wish that a fairy would bring me some Pinkberry

Or a peanut butter cone from Tasti-D

I’d give my left titty for just a LITTLE BITTY

Of a breadstick from the Cheesecake Factory

Bitch, today I won’t be pleasant even if you bring me presents

I apologize if Im bein’ rude

So stay away while I daven cuz you won’t get any lovin

Nothin comes between this Jew girl and her food

word.

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Rosh Hashanah, Bitch

YO YO YO didn’t you remember?

It’s the Jewish new year at the end of September

Well, sometimes it’s later and sometimes it’s sooner

Ya never know, bitch, CUZ THIS CALENDAR IS LUNAR

(boom boom chick wikka wikka what waaat)

All the Jews in the land with all of their money

Will get their freak on with some apples and honey

And then get in their cars and shout to their chauffers

“Bitch, take me to shul, so I can listen to some shofers!”

(tekiah tekiah…gadolAH)

So tonight if you’re thinkin of doin the nasty

With a freaky Jewish girl with a good rhinoplasty

Don’t tell her you’ll call and then screw her ova

Just wish her yasher koach and a big l’shana tova

Happy new year.

bitch.

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