Monthly Archives: November 2012

Thanksgiving, Bitch.

Yo I gots a secret I gotta reveal

I never told nobody this, I don’t know how they gonna feel

Let me first make clear, I don’t want any misgivings

I MOTHAFUCKIN’ LOVE ME MOTHAFUCKIN’ THANKSGIVINGS (yeah, ALL of them)

I love that dang parade with that monkey made of sock

And I’ve got a thing for pilgrims, bitch, they MAKE MY PLYMOUTH ROCK

But the one thing that might leave you just  LITTLE BIT murky

BITCH I fuckin’ HATE fuckinmothafuckin’ TURKEY

Not not to get all Freudian, a rapper never should

But I think my turkey loathing dates back to my childhood

See my Jewish mother loved me quite a mothafuckin’ bunch

And to ensure I got my protein packed me turkey for lunch

At first I didn’t mind, I’d just unpack my lunch and chew it

But as Jewish mothers often do, mine tends to overdo it

The turkey grew and grew to make sure that I was fed

All the sudden that dang sandwich was as big as my damn head

I was just a little girl, did she really think I’d eat a

Fuckin’ half a pound of turkey stuffed into a MINI PITA?

Kids would watch me eat it every day for years and years

And I’d be all covered in turkey smell and mustard (and some tears)

I tried to tell my mother that the turkey was for rookies

Why couldn’t she be cool and pack me SNACKWELL FUCKIN’ COOKIES?

But I’d lug around that turkey really looking like a fool

And that’s the reason why I wasn’t popular in school (and this, and maybe this)

So when I sit down at Thanksgiving I say, “Mmmm this turkey’s GREAT!”

But little do they know I ain’t got NONE upon my plate

All throughout the years I’ve gotten really good at bluffing

So that nobody would know I eat ENTIRE PLATES OF STUFFING

I see that bowl of stuffing and my lil eyeball twinkles

It’s my second favorite food group, next, of course, to RAINBOW SPRINKLES

My favorite kind of stuffing? Now, that’s up to some debate

But I love so many kinds, so bitch, I DON’T DISCRIMINATE

I once had a cornbread kind thanks to that Al Roker fella

And I tasted chestnut stuffing, LOVE FREE SAMPLES, CITARELLA

But my favorite’s challah stuffing, bitch, that always is a hit

I’m telling you I’d take a bath ALL UP IN THAT SHIT

My mom-in-law’s is so good, may require 5-star Yelping

NO I DO NOT MIND IF I TAKE  A SEVENTH ANOTHER HELPING

My guy and I, we love to eat, but today our tastes get clashy

He loves his Thanksgiving food real mothafuckin’ trashy

The whole rest of the year he loves the Michelin man

But he won’t eat cranberries that aren’t shaped just like the can

And he loves to fill his plate with that nasty greenish slop

He loves that green bean casserole FRENCH’S ONIONS ON THE TOP

But man, I’m thankful for him, and for my dad and brother

And I’m really fuckin’ thankful for my turkey lovin’ mother

Who always really cared ’bout the nutrition that I got

If you measured love in turkey, then she sure loves me a lot

So go and eat your dishes, I hope you do adore ’em

And eat them with your loved ones and tell them you’re thankful for ’em

And thanks to all of you who read my silly little words

Now I’ve gots to eat my stuffing–bitch, that turkey’s for the birds

 Gobble.

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Potty Politics

Yo I’ve got a bone that I’ve gotsta pick with you

Sometimes I complain, you see, because I am a Jew

And when something annoys me, or stresses me out it

Occurs to me to write a fuckin’ Jewey rap about it

So I came to you today with a well-defined mission

To make things better in the bathroom when we’re agoing public pishin’

Now this shit is for serious, a really major gripe

When people tinkle on the seat and they don’t even care to WIPE

And that’s what I’ll discuss today, with you I’ll share my views

But what irks me even more is what I’m seein’ on the news

BUT I decided long ago I wouldn’t make this blog political

So I won’t rap about that, cuz this bitch ain’t hypocritical

So hereby I’ll return to the aforementioned matter

About all these people peein’ and not cleanin’ EXCESS SPLATTER

When you choose your public bathroom stall, before you’ve peed or shitted

Once you turn that little lock you’re fuckin’ FULL TOILET COMMITTED

Whatever splatter’s on the seat, no matter just how insurmountable

Is left for you to clean up or you will be held accountable

So let’s say you have this guy, cleanin’ up for those before him

Cuz any droplets left behind, he’s now RESPONSIBLE FOR ‘EM

So he’s gotta make a mitt with the whole damn roll of paper

And clean up for the toilet seat’s LEGITIMATE RAPER

And though the problem may be worse than he could ever ascertain

He grits his teeth, gets to work, and never thinks to complain

And he chose that stall even though he really had a hunch

That the guy who went before him had CHIPOTLE FOR LUNCH

Any thought of backing down? This dude would certainly nix it

There is a problem in this stall and he DEVOTES HIS LIFE TO FIX IT

And still you have these folks outside always so quickly criticizing

Before he even took that stall they were politicizing

And what really blows my mind is that they even have the gall

To overlook the things he’s gotten done while locked inside that stall

In his efforts to clean up he’s saved American cars

And given healthcare to the people who have PREEXISTING SARS

And let’s say he may not always be the very best DEBATA

But he fuckin’ decimated mothafuckin’ AL-QAEDA

He let soldiers serve us proudly, whether they be straight or gay

And doesn’t plan to make amendments that would TAKE FOLKS’ RIGHTS AWAY

Still the others really think that they can clean up all that wiz

They’ve got a five-point plan to do it, but WON’T TELL YOU WHAT IT IS

But they’ll sneer and point their fingers and just never will confess

That they’re proposing the same shit that got us INTO THIS MESS

They have this puppet speaking for them and he’s sounding like a clown

Saying there will be less mess if we go back and TRICKLE DOWN?

And still they want us to believe that they could better represent

All of our bathrooms (‘CEPT FORTY-SEVEN PERCENT)

And they’re flopping back and forth on every mothafuckin’ issue

While they guy in there is down to his last square of toilet tissue

Therefore in the world of bathrooms we now have this great divide

Of those who work to clean things up and those who blame and hide

I know neither side is perfect, but at least one guy is trying

Instead of simply pandering and frankly FLAT-OUT LYING

Now just to clarify that you’re in no need of correction

I’m talkin’ about BATHROOMS here, not of no damn election

We all need our public toilets so we have to do our parts

They’re there for our emergencies and ghost poops (those are farts)

And now’s the time to exercise that very basic right

And support the ones who you best think will help us to win this fight

Any effort set to block your voice I simply do abhor

Just as much as I hate a LACKLUSTER METAPHOR

So go pull up your pants and wipe your lil’ booty

And make sure your voice is heard because now that’s what I call DUTY

That’s what this land is all about, the core of our foundation

So wipe the fuckin’ seat and let’s clean up our uriNATION

word.

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