Learn the Trade, Bitch.

Yo New York City is that kind of a town

With lots of places to go when you feel like gettin’ down

They’ve got lounges and bars and clubs with bottle service

But slutty girls and sparklers make me ITCHY and NERVOUS

The drinks there are expensive and the bathrooms always dirty

I prefer somewhere clean and much more Hawaiian shirty

So when I wanna hang with my bitches and hoes

I grab my canvas bags and I head to TRADER JOE’S

I walk in the door and I get the party started

There’s no bouncer, but a GREETER and he gets me SHOPPING CARTED

I get on my way and I tell my husband SEE YAS

Cuz mama’s gotta get some fuckin’ whole wheat tortillas

The guy stocking yogurt is kinda a putz

I’ll come back and get it later and I’ll stock up on some NUTS

Then this little Jew girl really thinks she’s seein’ Jesus

When I get to the wall of AFFORDABLE CHEESES

Then the snack food aisle makes all the bitches horny

I get peanut butter pretzels and all CRAZY KETTLE CORNEY

There’s shampoo for your hair, for your feet they’ve got pumice

But the real shiznit is that HORSERADISH HUMMUS

Yogurt! There you are! I will come and I will get you!

Don’t you DARE think for a second that I’d ever forget you

I get all the new items cuz I love me some change

Then get a dozen eggs WHAT WHAT FREE RANGE

The fun doesn’t stop even when I’m in line

A pound of dark chocolate for A DOLLAR NINETY-NINE

And so I wait my turn and I’m admiring my load

And they ring their little bells


We get up to the front and I jump and celebrate

And they wave the little flag and tell me LINE 28

We go to check out, the guy scans my chicken patty

And my husband rolls his eyes cuz this dude’s OVERLY CHATTY

He talks about each item and it kinda takes forever

But I don’t mind a bit, thank you, TRADER JOE’S TREVOR

The bill is so cheap and my husband is stoked

Bitch, I need a cigarette and I ain’t NEVA even smoked

So we got enough food to fill an auditorium

Bitch I’m never goin’ back to fuckin’ Food Emporium


Eggs, Bitch.

Yo very few things can make your lady feel finer

Than an all-inclusive breakfast at your favorite local diner

You’ll know you’re gettin lucky when you see her start to smile

When she reads, “Two Eggs” what what “ANY STYLE”

But before you even think of gettin into her legs,

You can learn a lot about a bitch from how she takes her eggs

If she wants them over hard, then she’s gonna be a bore

On the flip side, over easy means you’ve got yourself a whore

Scrambled chicks are crazy, I suggest you run and hide up

And she’s got daddy issues if she wants them sunny-side up

If your lady orders egg whites, for an extra buck or twoish

Then that bitch has high cholesterol, well that or she’s just Jewish

But the hottest girls of all, they don’t want Tiffany or Coach,

What really turns them on is when a MAN KNOWS HOW TO POACH

And what could make a Jew boy feel more sexually alive

Than to cook the eggs at home and save himself 4.95?

So as an early gift for Chanukah, to help you get your freak on

Here’s the step-by-step to get your egg poachin’ technique on

First thing you gots to do is put some water in a pot

Heat it just below a simmer, YOU DON’T WANT IT BOILIN’ HOT

I add a touch of vinegar, that’s up to some debates

But I really fuckin’ love it cuz that SHIT COAGULATES

You gently stir the water with a spatula or spoon

You make a lil’ whirlpool and your bitch will start to swoon

Then simply pour the egg into the center of the well

I crack that shit beforehand, I don’t want no bits of SHELL

3-4 minutes is the time that you should budget

Let it cook real nice until you’re just able to nudge it

Then you carefully remove it with a spoon that’s nice and slotted

(Girls get really horny when their arteries are clotted)

Drain it on a paper towel and then go ahead and serve it

And then go and get your nookie–you poached it, you deserve it

So next time you feel freaky, no need to flirt or beg

Just grab your favorite lady and then poach that bitch an egg


(poaching method adapted from Smitten Kitchen)