Movie Date, Bitch.

I went on a date with my husband, yo

We wanted to stay in, but I told that fucker NO

We’re not staying home like a bunch of married suckers

There’s only one thing to do: MUPPET MOVIE MOTHA FUCKAS

So we set out on our date, and we’re lookin’ pretty posh

And we stop at Dylan’s Candy Bar cuz this bitch needs a NOSH

Five dollas for Twizzlers at the theatre is a curse

So I get my own shit and I STUFF IT IN MY PURSE

Dylan’s is real crowded–those sticky kids all verminy

But mama needs some CANDY CORN and gummy bears from Germany

I look over at my husband and I’m sure he’s getting randy

Watching me knock over kids to buy a pound of candy

We continue on our movie date, I can’t wait to begin it

My purse won’t even close because there’s SO MUCH CANDY IN IT

$12 for a ticket, bitch, that really is an oucher

But you can count on me to bring my LIVING SOCIAL VOUCHER

Going to the movies, bitch, can really make you broke

But $5 won’t keep me from a GIGANTIC DIET COKE

So we sit down to our movie date all ready to get jiggy

Cuz there ain’t nothing sexier than Kermie and Miss Piggy

This lady sitting next to me is talking on her phone

I wanna punch her face, but I just leave the bitch alone

If I wasn’t on this date I’d prob’ly poke her in the eye

When all of the sudden I hear a baby start to cry

I look to my left thinking someone must be joking

And I see a fucking baby, ok, now I’ll start eye pokin’

Now I really love babies, but this shit is uncanny

Either don’t come to the movies, or just get yoself a NANNY

Then I see a flash–I look up at the light fixtures,

But bitch, hold the phone, there’s a FELLA TAKIN PICTURES

He whispers “Smile! Say cheese!” and his daughter starts to squeal

And he starts flashin’ away–THIS SHIT CANNOT BE FO REAL

I grab my husband’s leg and I cough into my sleeve


Infants and flash photos, bitch now that should be illegal

‘Specially at films with Fozzie Bear and Jason Segel

Now, I’m a good moviegoer unlike all of these fools

I don’t add my own soundtrack, bitch, I all follow the rules

I was gonna say something, but I ain’t no complainer

I pitch in and throw my trash in the SPECIFIED CONTAINER

I walk out of the movie thinkin’ what a fuckin’ joke

(and I gots to stop and tinkle cuz of ALL THAT DIET COKE)

We start the long walk home and I gather up my pride

That’s what I get for seein’ movies on the UPPA EAST SOOIIDE

I’ll see the film again, and I’ll concentrate for real

(but now I gotsta wait for a LIVING SOClAL DEAL)

And for our next date, to avoid this same result

We’ll maybe see something that’s a little more adult

Perhaps we’ll see a porno, my husband’d prolly love it

I guess that would be funny–I’ll take a picture of it


Love, Bitch.

Yo, flowers and chocolates and really good food

Are just some of the things that put folks in the mood

Some look at porn whenever they’re able

Or watch Robin Byrd (cuz it’s on basic cable)

Some get turned on when they meet girls at bars

Or buy blow up dolls, like that real girl with Lars

Now I love my husband, he knows I adore him

Cuz I know exactly the thing that does it for him

And if you’re good, I’ll tell you my tip

Nothing turns a man on like a GOOD COSTCO TRIP

At only 5’7 he feels like the Hulk

When my man is able to buy his shit in bulk

Shampoo, paper towels, 3 flip cam recorders

My apartment looks like it’s a scene out of HOARDERS

We’ve got 35 yogurts with fruit on the bottom

100 super tampons? OH BITCH, you BET I got ’em

Got a liter of Gold Bond for when your balls itch

Don’t cut me for samples, cuz like, I will choke a bitch

My guy’s got a swagger unmatched by Don Draper

With 84 rolls of 3-ply toilet paper

(that’s like 252 1-ply rolls, BITCH)

So whenever my man is feelin’ real beddish

I gladly give in to his WILD Costco fetish

Please heed my advice, I find it applies

Especially well to like, ALL JEWISH GUYS

So forget the champagne and the horse-drawn carriage

And head up to Costco,

Hells yeah, bitch, that’s marriage.