Category Archives: Rap

Fo Shore, Bitch.

Yo I am an artist which means I like ART

Things that are moving and poignant and smart

Ballets and operas are simply sublime

Bitch, I often weekEND at the FRICKIN’ GUGGENHEIM

When I listen to Mozart, I may shed a tear

Like I do when I hear these three words: CABS ARE HERE

Yes there’s one form of art I can’t help but adore

Thanks to a masterpiece that is called JERSEY SHORE

Yes nothing transforms me and takes me more places

Than seeing all eight of their drunk orangey faces

Ronny and Sam seem better this season

Vinny and Jwoww are voices of reason

The house works much better without Angelina

Though she may have a mustache, I am kinda likin’ Deena

Jionni gets mad when Snook’s drunk and fallin’

He just don’t understand that she’s simply MEAT BALLIN’

When they got back to Jersey, they had to go tanning

Pauly was paler than DAKOTA FRICKIN’ FANNING

They gym and they laundry and they get fresh as hell

That’s pure Jersey style, bitch, G.T.L.

Then they head out Karma, it’s bound to get rioty

Snooki gets punched and Vin gets anxiety

Pauly leaves early, cuz he wants to get laid

And he don’t realize he’s brought home a GRENADE

Mike picks up a chick and her palate’s kinda cleft

But he doesn’t mind cuz she’s DTF

Then he sends her away after smooshin’ the Sitch

She’s got a situation now it’s called CROTCH ITCH

And I sit and I watch without any shame

Though every episode’s kinda the same

They romp around Jersey, they’re treated like ballers

And we give them attention and millions of dollars

But there isn’t much art starring Shia LeBeouf

There are many more wonders inside Snooki’s poof

So when you’re lookin’ for something artistic and neato

Turn on MTV and check out a guido

word.

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Nudity, Bitch.

YO I gots a problem to tell you about

It occurs at the gym when I finish working out

Now when I’m at the gym, kids, I follow the laws

I  put my shit in a locker and wear MULTIPLE bras

I handle myself with poise and with grace

And don’t scatter Lululemon ALL OVA the place

So after I’m done, I gots to go to my locker

And each time I do, son,  I am in for a SHOCKER

The NAKEDEST OLD LADY that you ever saw

Stands right there at my locker, no underwear, no bra

She gets right up there close to me, I know this will be trouble

Bitch, when you are nude you need a BIGGER SPACIAL BUBBLE

I gesture at a towel, suggesting she should try it

But she’s all, “Oh no thank you, dear,” she’d rather just AIR DRY IT

I need to get away, so I go get myself some tissues

And I think to myself, I’ve got major naked issues

Yeah, nudity’s always been a problem for me

It dates back to overnight camp at the CLEVELAND JCC

Of course we were in bunks, everything was done tribunally

Even when we showered, bitch, we just showered all communally

When I came home at the end, my was like, “What reeks?”

Cuz I didn’t take my swimsuit off for SIX ENTIRE WEEKS

We had to shower all together, so I wore it for protection

Yes instead of bein naked, bitch, I risked a YEAST INFECTION

So fast forward to this locker room, she’s naked, right? You got that

And each and every time this crazy bitch just wants to chat

We talk about the spinning class, complain about the weather

We end up spending 10 or 15 minutes there together

My eyes just dart around cuz I’m tryin not to stare

At her wrinkly old bosoms, just floppin in the air

She’s older than Miss Daisy was, when Morgan Freeman drove her

And the worst of it occurs when this bitch turns and bends right over

To compensate I cover up myself in twenty towels

Cuz she’s still there all naked and I’m staring up her bowels

So it’s more than just the nudity, and how this bitch displays it

It’s just that she has a welcome and she NAKED OVERSTAYS IT

So I gather my belongings cuz I gots to be escaping

And I notice that by 70, folks stop their LADYSCAPING

I go to walk away and I hang my head in sorrow

So the nudity is over, well, at least until tomorrow

I zip my jacket all the way, putting on my hood

And I just can’t help but think that that bitch looked real fuckin good

So I guess I’ll just get over it, although it may be yucky

If I look like her at 70, I’ll be real fuckin lucky

I got back to my apartment and I made myself some food

And I wrote this little rap, and I did it in the nude

word.

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